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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Male friend being too clingy

143 replies

conversationdiva · 13/02/2016 17:48

I recently went out for coffee with an old workmate from a couple of years ago. We've always been friendly and stayed in touch through social media and he's been feeling a bit down recently as his long term girlfriend has left him for someone else. I see him as a friend and that's always been very clear but over the past week or so he's been behaving in a way that has worried me.

We met for a catch up in a coffee shop after not seeing each other for a while, and talked about what we'd been up to, we spoke about work, friends, a bit about his past relationship and he mentioned that he sometimes sees my ex partner (they went to primary school together). He asked me in conversation if I was still single or was I seeing anyone and I said truthfully that I'm dating but I'm not in a relationship. I left thinking nothing more of it, just that it had been a nice catch up with an old work friend.

That evening he began sending texts asking me when we could go out again, he texted me his complete availability, his exact work hours etc and I found that a bit strange so I just said I'd contact him later on as I'm busy for the next week or so.

The next day I got a text asking me if I'd like to go to Paris with him because he'd seen that there was a concert there featuring a musician I liked (I'd mentioned I was a fan of the musician during our meeting and he'd obviously remembered.) I said no but at the time, I thought it was really inappropriate.

What followed were several attempts to meet up - him sending texts saying "I know you're busy but if you have any free time at all you can see me!" Him inviting me to his house for pizza and a film, to the cinema, out for a meal and each time I said no as it felt odd, like he was trying to use me as a replacement for his ex girlfriend. I said that he should focus on getting over the breakup and he guilt tripped me - "it's just been nice having someone to speak to, I'm sorry if you feel pestered..."

This week I've been getting texts at 7am or late at night every other day asking me if I want to meet up for another coffee, commenting on things he's seen posted on my social media etc. He went through one of my accounts and 'liked' every single picture of me (and there are only a handful of pictures of me on there, most of them are of scenery or animals or art/music so he would have to had gone through the whole thing to find them.)

Today I've just been ignoring his texts as I don't feel well and he's making me feel uncomfortable. He kept texting things like '???' when I didn't answer his first 2 messages, then switched to WhatsApp asking me to meet him, to which I replied that I'm busy all week and not to contact me. I thought about blocking him on everything but I would feel quite bad doing that and he lives nearby so I would probably still bump into him.

Sometimes I feel that I'm too nice to people and they take advantage. I'm not going to reply to this person again but it's starting to feel like harrassment. I've never given him any signals to 'lead him on' or whatever, I just viewed him as a friend but I feel like the situation is getting out of control.

OP posts:
OTheHugeManatee · 15/02/2016 11:52

Well done OP.

TBH I think this guy was more misguided / lacking boundaries than abusive but I'm glad you've set him straight. Hopefully that's an end to it how.

conversationdiva · 15/02/2016 12:18

I still feel awkward, like it was harsh sometimes but then the rational part of my mind kicks in and looks at his behaviour. His last text was very bitter too - he said 'I'm done with you' like it's somehow my fault.

OP posts:
LaContessaDiPlump · 15/02/2016 12:20

Well as he sees it, it's your fault he's feeling this way. You nasty unreasonable woman.

Obviously he's wrong, but you know.......

magoria · 15/02/2016 12:22

See he didn't care about your feelings all the time he was hassling you and refusing to accept your polite leave me alone texts.

As soon as you laid it bluntly on the line it is your fault Hmm

Entitled arse.

So glad his ex got away. Can you imagine him on a young girl she didn't stand a chance!

conversationdiva · 15/02/2016 12:28

Yeah I understand. He's not accepting blame for behaving inappropriately, he thinks he's been lovely and sweet so now it's my fault Hmm so glad I've cut contact!

OP posts:
MoominPie22 · 15/02/2016 12:50

It sounds like he saw u as sm sort of challenge. Someone to pursue and conquer, like it was sm sort of sport! And now he's got the lip on like a petulant child, as if you've lost out somehowConfused bloody loser!
He clearly reckons he's some sort of catch but any self respecting lass with half a brain would run for the hills with behaviour like that. Pillock!!
Now he'll go find some other unsuspecting target for his OTT, obsessive attentions.

TealLove · 15/02/2016 15:56

He will move into the next victim I suspect

Hissy · 15/02/2016 16:18

I'm done with you?

hes angry! How dare he be.

This is ridiculous!

goodnightdarthvader1 · 15/02/2016 18:51

What a tosser. Typical behaviour:

"Alright, darling?"
"Not interested, sorry."
"Bitch, wouldn't fuck you anyway! Get lost!"

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 15/02/2016 19:37

He's headed into Bye Felipe territory Darth Hmm

conversationdiva · 15/02/2016 19:37

Reading back over past messages, it's clear as day that it was always just a friendship and nothing more. Last week, he even said he appreciated me listening to him about his breakup as he "needs all the friends he can get at the moment." FRIENDS being the key word.

Personally, I think he's desperate to find another girlfriend to get back at his ex. They've only been broken up for about 2 months. Before I blocked him, I noticed he'd added a young girl from his workplace (aged no more than about 18/19) on Facebook. His next victim perhaps?!

OP posts:
goodnightdarthvader1 · 15/02/2016 21:12

Sounds likely, both to "show her" and to shore up his self esteem.

SolidGoldBrass · 15/02/2016 21:31

Definitely a woman-hating, inadequate bellend.
If he makes any further attempts at contact, call 101 and let the police know he is stalking and harassing you. It sounds like he could do with a good slap in the form of some copper turning up to warn him off...

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 15/02/2016 21:53

I see OldBollocks got there before me with ByeFelipe. :D

I'm going to get flamed for this, hut I'd be surely tempted to message the 19-20 year old with a full screen shot of jerkface's message history and the number for her nearest Freedom Programme, just in case she's pondering this magnificent catch.

WhoaCadburys · 16/02/2016 15:55

Are you OK, Diva?

conversationdiva · 16/02/2016 17:58

I am OK, thank you.

One of my best friends (who I have told about the situation) has informed me that since I blocked this man, he has been writing self-pitying statuses on Facebook. Things like "sick and tired of feeling sick and tired :(' and 'Feeling so ill, I haven't kept anything down since Sunday afternoon' (around the time I confronted him about the flowers). His friends are replying with things like "I'm so sorry this has happened" and "chin up" etc.

It's made me quite angry because he's obviously told people about this and I can guess the spin he's put on it - probably making me sound ungrateful that he's spent a lot of money on flowers and I've rejected him when he was only trying to be nice. I expect he's left out the stalking/harassment part. I haven't done anything wrong and I don't appreciate him spreading stories around that aren't true.

OP posts:
PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 16/02/2016 18:12

Then feel perfectly free to tell anybody you like what he's done to bring this on himself. Don't keep this stalker's dirty little secret.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 16/02/2016 18:40

Agree with PSE.

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