Male friend being too clingy

[conversationdiva]

I recently went out for coffee with an old workmate from a couple of years ago. We've always been friendly and stayed in touch through social media and he's been feeling a bit down recently as his long term girlfriend has left him for someone else. I see him as a friend and that's always been very clear but over the past week or so he's been behaving in a way that has worried me.

We met for a catch up in a coffee shop after not seeing each other for a while, and talked about what we'd been up to, we spoke about work, friends, a bit about his past relationship and he mentioned that he sometimes sees my ex partner (they went to primary school together). He asked me in conversation if I was still single or was I seeing anyone and I said truthfully that I'm dating but I'm not in a relationship. I left thinking nothing more of it, just that it had been a nice catch up with an old work friend.

That evening he began sending texts asking me when we could go out again, he texted me his complete availability, his exact work hours etc and I found that a bit strange so I just said I'd contact him later on as I'm busy for the next week or so.

The next day I got a text asking me if I'd like to go to Paris with him because he'd seen that there was a concert there featuring a musician I liked (I'd mentioned I was a fan of the musician during our meeting and he'd obviously remembered.) I said no but at the time, I thought it was really inappropriate.

What followed were several attempts to meet up - him sending texts saying "I know you're busy but if you have any free time at all you can see me!" Him inviting me to his house for pizza and a film, to the cinema, out for a meal and each time I said no as it felt odd, like he was trying to use me as a replacement for his ex girlfriend. I said that he should focus on getting over the breakup and he guilt tripped me - "it's just been nice having someone to speak to, I'm sorry if you feel pestered..."

This week I've been getting texts at 7am or late at night every other day asking me if I want to meet up for another coffee, commenting on things he's seen posted on my social media etc. He went through one of my accounts and 'liked' every single picture of me (and there are only a handful of pictures of me on there, most of them are of scenery or animals or art/music so he would have to had gone through the whole thing to find them.)

Today I've just been ignoring his texts as I don't feel well and he's making me feel uncomfortable. He kept texting things like '???' when I didn't answer his first 2 messages, then switched to WhatsApp asking me to meet him, to which I replied that I'm busy all week and not to contact me. I thought about blocking him on everything but I would feel quite bad doing that and he lives nearby so I would probably still bump into him.

Sometimes I feel that I'm too nice to people and they take advantage. I'm not going to reply to this person again but it's starting to feel like harrassment. I've never given him any signals to 'lead him on' or whatever, I just viewed him as a friend but I feel like the situation is getting out of control.

[goodnightdarthvader1]

With respect to Munatee's otherwise excellent post, don't ring him, text him. You need the written evidence to take to the Police if he continues.

[goodnightdarthvader1]

Manatee's!*

[OTheHugeManatee]

Everyone who's saying 'text back, say x...' I think you're mistaken. This has to be done by phone, really clearly, or even face to face (with witnesses). Texts just give endless room for misinterpretation and wishful thinking.

Phone him up and tell him this has to stop, because you don't want to go out with him. Not now, not in the future. Say it gently, with a smile if you want to, but say it clearly. If he protests, say it again. Tell him this isn't you playing hard to get, this is you not being interested. That way you can be sure he has understood.

It's one of those situations where the phrase 'There's no easy way to say this' comes in useful - it's not apologetic for telling the truth but does at least acknowledge that it might be difficult for him to hear.

[OTheHugeManatee]

That's a fair point darth but it can be followed up with a text so you have evidence.

[Trills]

I enjoyed meeting up with you.
After we met, I thought I would like to meet you again, as friends.
But now you have acted very strangely and scared me, and now I do not want to talk to you at all ever.
I advise you never to do this to anyone ever again.
Goodbye.

[Trills]

You don't just "Not want a relationship with him".

That was your initial position, but now I think it has upgraded to "don't want to see him at all", because he has been weird and scary and upsetting.

He has behaved very badly.

You have no obligations to him.

[ThatsNotMyRabbit]

Trills I still think that leaves room for the bloke to come back with "I'm sorry I scared you! I didn't mean to! Ok I'll be less full on in future !"

I think only "Do not contact me again. If you do I will involve the police" will do now.

[sonjadog]

If I were you, I would do nothing until he contacts you, and then say thanks but you aren't interested in no uncertain terms.

It's Valentine's Day so he sent flowers. It isn't an odd thing to do on VD. They may well have been ordered before he got your message yesterday. He might have thought it was a nice gesture anyway.

I think going to the police would be a major overreaction. Just tell him clearly to back off and that nothing is going to happen. Wait until he contacts you to make it clear that you are not looking for contact with him.

If he doesn't back off, then you can escalate it, but I really don't think you are there yet from anything you have written here.

[Anniegetyourgun]

I'm waiting for someone to come on and say "What is the matter with you all on MN? Someone sends you flowers and you want to call the police? He's just trying to be nice ffs!" Because there's always one.

[sonjadog]

well, apparently it is you....

[MoominPie22]

Just as I predicted........I thought no way would he be able to withstand the temptation of Valentine´s Day! It´s like a red rag to a bull for all the creeps and stalkers out there.

You need to end this today!! Cos it´s gonna move on to full on monitoring of your movements, if it hasn´t already. It´s easy enough to follow a person home to see where they live, after all.

It´s hardly beyond the realms of possibility that he has started actively stalking you is it?

[Anniegetyourgun]

Apparently, but I didn't mean it!

[SolidGoldBrass]

Look, this dick is relying on the fact that women are socialized to be polite, to 'give a nice guy a chance', to take care of men's feelings. You have no need to feel sympathy for him. He is taking no notice of your wishes. What he wants doesn't matter.

He has made you feel intruded on, scared, irritated and stalked. There is no need to soften the blow in any way: just text (or email) to say 'Do not contact me again. Any further attempts at contact will be reported to the police.'

As to the flowers, either bin them or give them to a friend or neighbour or take them to the local old folks' home or something.

[TealLove]

I don't think you should go to the police at this stage nor threaten it, it hasn't got to that level yet. Sending flowers on VD is not a crime.
He's imagined this in his head. You must just ask him not to call or write again, be clear be cocise and it will be fine I'm 100% sure he will back off. I'm not even sure about blocking yet it may make it worse. Just see what he does after you ask him.

[Trills]

ThatsNotMyRabbit even with the "do not want to talk to you at all ever"?

I thought that "at all ever" was pretty clear.

[conversationdiva]

I haven't heard anything from him yet.

I looked up the flowers on the store website they were sent from and they cost £35! That is a ridiculous amount of money to spend on someone who you are not even in any sort of romantic relationship with. I haven't even had that much spent on flowers by previous partners so it's made me feel even more weirded out.

I won't go to the police yet but I will keep it in mind in case anything else happens. When he contacts me again, I will ask him if he sent the flowers and explain how uncomfortable it's made me feel and that I don't want to speak to or see him again. Ever. Blocking does feel harsh but I think that's what it will come to.

[TealLove]

I think he's probably already got the message to be honest.

[liberatedwine]

Or how about simply ignoring his texts/whatspp/facebook messages? He'll see that you've read them and will realise you're not responding and it might just occur to him why. If you block him, he might call round to check you're okay - vanishing from Facebook without an explanation can cause people to become concerned.

If you see him in the street, start an animated phone conversation with someone so you only have to nod at him.

If he still persists, then it's time for 101.

[TealLove]

I honestly think blocking at this stage may make him worse. Just leave it as it is

[goodnightdarthvader1]

I think he's probably already got the message to be honest.

Oh yeah, sure.

"maybe we can talk tomorrow"

[TealLove]

Was that his last message ?
Even after the op text him?

[conversationdiva]

Yes the last message I received from him was last night. After telling him I didn't want to talk to him he said "maybe we can talk tomorrow xxx"

[sonjadog]

Maybe he had hopes that the flowers were well received and you'd change your mind. But your lack or response has hopefully made that clear now. I hope he backs off now and realises he's made a fool of himself.

[loopsylala]

You told him you were dating but not in a relationship and that's when the constant messages started.

He wants friends with benefits.

[conversationdiva]

The thing is loopsylala, I don't think that's it because when I said I was 'dating', I made it clear that I meant that I'd gone on a few dates but hadn't met anyone I had a connection with. I've never been into FWBs or ONS and he knows that. He knew I was with my last partner for years and that I had a rough time when we broke up and wanted time alone so I can't believe he'd even think I was up for a FWB situation. I think he's down after breaking up with his ex and is projecting the feelings he had for her on to me.

The roses are still in the hall in a cardboard box. I would like to give them back to him tbh. I really don't know what was going through his mind when he decided to send them.