Don't know what to do with myself, on the verge of tears :(

[littlejolee]

Sorry in advance if this is a long post. I'm not even sure where to begin.

In the last few days, dp has accused me of lying/ hiding something from him because my libido has tanked and I've been crabby the last month (three weeks of viral bronchitis and nasty heavy painful period). Thursday night he said he had booked the next day off but was in a horrible mood and said that the nice thing he had planned was off.
DS goes to nursery on a Friday afternoon so as he was off we would have had a bit of baby free time. I'm a sahm and he said to me to just carry on with my day as usual. So I tried my best to carry on as normal, despite him still being very cold with me, turning the heating off when I have it on (to dry clothes and keep ds warm). Me and DS usually walk to nursery, so leave at 12 to get there for one giving plenty of time for DS to explore along the way.
Dp said I'll take him on the bus and I said OK I normally leave at half past (meaning whenever we get the bus, like if the weather is awful or he's woken up late from his morning nap, so not a very common occurrence). Dp turns around and questions how often I don't walk because I know when to leave to catch the bus.
So we all catch the bus to nursery and I usually pay them on a Tuesday (DS goes Tuesday and Friday) but had forgotten to last week, still had the money in a separate part of my purse. They said they needed payment for three sessions not two. Dp gets very angry, asks for a breakdown of all payments etc and to have a word with me in private. He then storms off and is livid, basically accused me of stealing the money. He was so angry I was crying in the street. (All I could think was the only time I've seen him this angry he got into a huge fist fight with his sister in front of me and DS in the middle of the night, they were both drunk, he put his around both our throats she called the police and he was arrested, this was just before Christmas. That whole incident put the fear of God into him -or so I thought--)
He tells me to wait where I am and storms off to the bank to get the money for nursery. When he comes back I go to follow him in and he tells me to wait where I am, won't let come into the nursery with him. I say no trying to stand up for myself and he storms away again. Came back a few minutes later and says he thinks I need to go and stay in my mum's for the weekend and sort my head out. I'm still in tears at this point and say fine but I'm taking DS with me to which he replied no.
We go home and I start up the stairs to pack a bag thinking I don't want to stay here right now anyway, I'll call my mum and dad and get DS from nursery etc, all kinds of crazy things going through my head.
Dp tells me to stay downstairs and make us both a drink, he goes through all the paperwork etc and tells me to get on with my day. Again I try my best.
We leave early to pick up DS from nursery because I needed to go shopping for food, and going past all the v day roses dp says don't think you're getting flowers (he's literally never bought me flowers before). I took today off because I was going to take you out for lunch while DS is in nursery and order flowers online for them to arrive on v day but none of that is happening now you've pissed me off.
So we get something for dinner, pick up DS and go home, give him a snack (he has tea in nursery) and put him to bed.
Make our dinner and watch something we've meaning to for a couple of days (lucha underground wrestling, cheesy but good fun). He's in a much nicer mood now and sits next to me on the couch offering to snuggle in so I do because it's comfy.
He headed off to bed and I said I'll be up in a bit as I wasn't ready to go to sleep yet. Dp is asleep when I go up.
He left me to sleep this morning and got up with DS, woke me up around 8 (about. 2 hours later than our usual wake up time). We have a fairly peaceful morning.
Then he asks if I mind if he meets up with his female friend (know each other for years, she has SO) and I said yes that's fine, because I would never stop him seeing his friends. He got a shower, put a smart shirt and pants on, generally tidied himself up quite a bit, polished shoes, aftershave etc, even though he was only going to a pub in the day to have a couple of drinks with his friend (though I do have some probably unfounded reservations about her, she has fancied him in the past, on his birthday he danced with her but not me and it's just the two of them going for a drink now).
He left about an hour ago, DS who is two was distraught as he thought he was going with him and obvs wasn't. I checked his fb and it was him inviting her out. She asked if everything was OK and he said everything is fine just missing people (his bf birthday soon, she thought he would just wait until then to catch up with everyone hence asking if everything was OK)/

I just don't know what to make of the whole situation or what to do with myself tbh.

Funny how they could tell me to leave though without any back up. They were almost contemptuous at times.

The woman has to believe she can leave.

A wee thought - some of them may have been glad to help with any of those. Especially furniture, but possibly right up to protecting you

OP, if this seems irrelevant I apologise. Your circumstances are very sad

making it all about you again Nana?

since op latched onto and pmed the 1 pp who was not telling her to leave for her and her son's sake , then clearly all the other pps are not saying what she wants to read.

"But I do think it is appropriate that someone, somewhere to say LTB when all the signs are there and that is the role of mumsnet." And what if the person in that relationship sees mumsnet as their only outlet? Let's not forget that many abuse victims have been isolated from friends and family and have no support in RL. For some writing down how they feel is the only way they can speak out. It's not as simple as ringing Women's aid in the first instance and having a conversation with a total stranger about how you leave your abusive partner. It's about someone giving you the time of day, the reassurance that what you're going through is not ok, and that there is help out there if and when you are ready to seek it.

Yes I believe that victims should leave abusive relationships. But there is a vast difference between empowering someone to leave and forcing them to do so.

Women in abusive relationships already live in a power imbalance Where they are told what to do, how to think, what to say, and by telling someone in such a relationship that "you must leave and you must do it now*" that power is being switched from the abuser to the well-meaning but misplaced "supporter."

Women need to take control of their own lives, not be told by someone else what they must do when they've already been told what to do for months/years.

It should never be a case of "you have to get out now,". And when the op doesn't "well, the op isn't listening so there's no point being on the thread."

Women need permission to be able to take control over their own lives. They need permission to say "what he's doing to me isn't ok." And then, once they realise that, and TBH by the time they've posted online they're already part way there, then they need to be able to say "it's ok for me not to want to be in this situation. It's ok to look to a future where I don't have to walk on eggshells, it's ok to think about a future where I will be able to post online without having to delete my history because of who might read it, it's ok to imagine a future where I am not thinking about whether he is going to have a violent outburst." And then, "it's ok to start to make plans for that future, the one I can see when I close my eyes and imagine it." And then she can empower herself to make those plans, and ask for the help that she needs to do so, and hopefully we, or anyone else she might turn to for support will give that support, without the judgement or frustration that things aren't moving to their plan or their urgency for her to get out.

Oh ffs, when I rang WA, I was sighed at when I said I couldn't make him leave.

Sure in theory...

I didn't call them again for advice.

The only other time I rang was 10 yrs later, when he'd left, to sob down the phone for 45 mins and garner the strength to then ring my local support centre and confirm my place on the freedom programme. Making that phone call was the hardest thing imaginable.

Incidentally, my story was so similar to others that I was confused with another caller who'd ring frequently.

Being huffed at closed a door. I went on to be utterly isolated to the point of not leaving a foreign flat for over 10 weeks.

We leave when we're ready/able, animosity and haranguing - as has been done to death here - stops the slow rise toward freedom.

It takes on average 2 years for an abuser to reveal themselves, in non scientific research in groups I've attended it takes the same amount of time to leave once the victim has realised they're being abused.

Extreme violence of course short circuits the above time periods.

Agree wholeheartedly Wannabe.

But those who write LTB for some unfathomable reason think that that's enough to empower a vulnerable woman in a violent and often chaotic relationship to pack a bag and walk out of the door.

Where she goes once she's out of that door is inconsequential it would seem.

OP dos you call WA? What did they say?

Nananina seeing as I am actually a child protection social worker i am safe in the knowledge that I am definitely not ignorant about the pressures and workload thanks. You are not a social worker so do stop bleating about how you used to be one in a shite attempt to bolster and give credence to your dangerous rambling.

Its sounding a lot like a children's playground in here.

Absolutely notonyour which is why I'm leaving the thread. There are some very rude, angry people on here. That was a great post Wannabe