Don't know what to do with myself, on the verge of tears :(

[littlejolee]

Sorry in advance if this is a long post. I'm not even sure where to begin.

In the last few days, dp has accused me of lying/ hiding something from him because my libido has tanked and I've been crabby the last month (three weeks of viral bronchitis and nasty heavy painful period). Thursday night he said he had booked the next day off but was in a horrible mood and said that the nice thing he had planned was off.
DS goes to nursery on a Friday afternoon so as he was off we would have had a bit of baby free time. I'm a sahm and he said to me to just carry on with my day as usual. So I tried my best to carry on as normal, despite him still being very cold with me, turning the heating off when I have it on (to dry clothes and keep ds warm). Me and DS usually walk to nursery, so leave at 12 to get there for one giving plenty of time for DS to explore along the way.
Dp said I'll take him on the bus and I said OK I normally leave at half past (meaning whenever we get the bus, like if the weather is awful or he's woken up late from his morning nap, so not a very common occurrence). Dp turns around and questions how often I don't walk because I know when to leave to catch the bus.
So we all catch the bus to nursery and I usually pay them on a Tuesday (DS goes Tuesday and Friday) but had forgotten to last week, still had the money in a separate part of my purse. They said they needed payment for three sessions not two. Dp gets very angry, asks for a breakdown of all payments etc and to have a word with me in private. He then storms off and is livid, basically accused me of stealing the money. He was so angry I was crying in the street. (All I could think was the only time I've seen him this angry he got into a huge fist fight with his sister in front of me and DS in the middle of the night, they were both drunk, he put his around both our throats she called the police and he was arrested, this was just before Christmas. That whole incident put the fear of God into him -or so I thought--)
He tells me to wait where I am and storms off to the bank to get the money for nursery. When he comes back I go to follow him in and he tells me to wait where I am, won't let come into the nursery with him. I say no trying to stand up for myself and he storms away again. Came back a few minutes later and says he thinks I need to go and stay in my mum's for the weekend and sort my head out. I'm still in tears at this point and say fine but I'm taking DS with me to which he replied no.
We go home and I start up the stairs to pack a bag thinking I don't want to stay here right now anyway, I'll call my mum and dad and get DS from nursery etc, all kinds of crazy things going through my head.
Dp tells me to stay downstairs and make us both a drink, he goes through all the paperwork etc and tells me to get on with my day. Again I try my best.
We leave early to pick up DS from nursery because I needed to go shopping for food, and going past all the v day roses dp says don't think you're getting flowers (he's literally never bought me flowers before). I took today off because I was going to take you out for lunch while DS is in nursery and order flowers online for them to arrive on v day but none of that is happening now you've pissed me off.
So we get something for dinner, pick up DS and go home, give him a snack (he has tea in nursery) and put him to bed.
Make our dinner and watch something we've meaning to for a couple of days (lucha underground wrestling, cheesy but good fun). He's in a much nicer mood now and sits next to me on the couch offering to snuggle in so I do because it's comfy.
He headed off to bed and I said I'll be up in a bit as I wasn't ready to go to sleep yet. Dp is asleep when I go up.
He left me to sleep this morning and got up with DS, woke me up around 8 (about. 2 hours later than our usual wake up time). We have a fairly peaceful morning.
Then he asks if I mind if he meets up with his female friend (know each other for years, she has SO) and I said yes that's fine, because I would never stop him seeing his friends. He got a shower, put a smart shirt and pants on, generally tidied himself up quite a bit, polished shoes, aftershave etc, even though he was only going to a pub in the day to have a couple of drinks with his friend (though I do have some probably unfounded reservations about her, she has fancied him in the past, on his birthday he danced with her but not me and it's just the two of them going for a drink now).
He left about an hour ago, DS who is two was distraught as he thought he was going with him and obvs wasn't. I checked his fb and it was him inviting her out. She asked if everything was OK and he said everything is fine just missing people (his bf birthday soon, she thought he would just wait until then to catch up with everyone hence asking if everything was OK)/

I just don't know what to make of the whole situation or what to do with myself tbh.

You need to stop minimising that incident. Stop it right now. It didn't give him a shock, it will happen again. It doesn't matter who he was grabbing for, he shouldn't have been grabbing for anyone. If my DH did that to his sister I would be leaving him, even if he had never hurt me before, because a violent man is a violent man, and his violence isn't choosy.

Get out of this relationship or else your baby could be hurt next. Why he kicked off because his sister was trying to take the baby is ridiculous. He's a controlling bullying twat.

He might have been kind once but now he is a violent abuser. If he tried to strangle your date kne would there have been date two?

Wombofonesown is exactly right. Hands around the throat is the biggest indicator that you are at the highest risk of being murdered.

It's on the list that police and domestic violence professionals ask.

Please listen to ge advice. I know how scary it is believe me, but you need to get the courage together to leave him. I hope you have the support.

You know that lunch you were going to have? The flowers he was going to order? He wasn't going to do any of that. It's control. 'If you had behaved better, see what I was going to do for you? then you went and spoiled it and made me angry'
Run and don't look back

OP clearly loves all the drama though

This is creeping in to every thread like this one and it is infuriating. I have seen it so many times lately.

There are a million reasons why women don't leave abusive men, please do not start reducing it to "loving the drama".

Oh yeah and he's blatantly cheating on you to top it all off. He created all of this argument so he could go out with his bit on the side. There was never any flowers or valentines treats for you.

Please find the strength to value yourself and not waste time. This will escalate and you will waste years of your life.

GET OUT NOW AND GET SUPPORT FROM THOSE THAT TRULY LOVE YOU.

Babyganoush please explain why you said that she loves the drama.

I think that was a really nasty comment but I'd like to know why you would kick someone while they're down.

you clearly are so in love with him you cannot see the damage he is doing to your self esteem and judgement. I really hope social services get involved because you are not putting your child's safety first. You could leave but you choose not to. There are no words.

There have been a lot of threads like this lately and everyone comes on telling the OP to leave and often she doesn't come back on the thread or she says she's ill and she'll "sort it out" when she's better, or something similar. I try to steer clear of LTB (not because it would seem to be the best thing) but because it's fairly obvious that the OP isn't going to do that and no amount of posts telling her she must leave are going to change anything. It does make me wonder why these women post. I can understand them wanting support but all they get is LTB (often coming from different angles) this OP has been told that if she doesn't leave she is just attention seeking. She's also been told "she loves the drama" though posters have taken issue with the poster that made that comment.

I've been insulted and criticised for not joining in the LTB brigade but that doesn't matter. I have asked the OP what support she would want from us if she isn't going to leave and she hasn't answered. I somehow don't think she will be back. I have had OPs PM me because they feel that all they are being told is to LTB and that isn't what they want to do. SO I dunno - I suppose I'm just hoping we can find a way to help these women.

Probably wasting my breath beacuse you are just going to stay and put up with it and continue to put yourself and your child in danger in an emotionally and physically abusing environment but here goes.....

There is nothing OK about this man. He is:
Controlling of your behaviour
Checks up on you
Questions you to catch you out
Accusatory- stealing money
Inflammatory in dealing with things
Emotionally abusive
Physically violent
Aggressive

Leave him now while you can and never ever look back at him.

He treats you like shit. Shows you no respect or love. Everything is on his terms. FFS he punishes you. Get out.

OP your family will already be on the social services radar after the Christmas violence. The nursery will have noticed the aggressive behaviour and will do a report, it's more than their jobs are worth not to.

Your partner is violent, please put your child first and get out.

The way to help any woman reading who may find herself in this or in a similar situation, is to affirm that such behaviour is neither normal nor acceptable and that there is help via Womens Aid or similar.

As previous posters have warned, the violent behaviour described is extremely dangerous.

If my daughter were in such a situation there's no way I'd have allowed her to spend another moment under the same roof. What parent would? What decent human being would leave a woman and child in the same house as anyone who'd grabbed them by the throat?

The really sad thing is how many threads appear on MN. Women who describe something horrific and ask if they're overreacting.

I have no idea who's genuine and who's not these days and there are lots of similar threads, but dear lord, we can't cease posting the right messages of support because it may or might not be real, we have to react to situations described with the right message.

Wow this is awful the way he's treating you absolutely no way would I be hanging around to be treated like that.

Great post Enriquetheringbeqringlizard. The thing is the reason some women ask is because they have grown up with fathers who were violent to themselves and their mothers and siblings etc.
Then they have mothers who minimise and have unsupportive families who say things like "you made your bed, now lie in it". It's all the more confusing and scary when you have no familial support and feel alone.

NanaNina, I get where you are coming from, but you cannot give these women any more hope to cling to, and on previous threads that is what you have done.

It does not matter what support we give the OP, this situation will not be resolved until she leaves this abusive man. Looking at it any other way just gives hope and feeds into the thoughts that he is capable of being the man she wants him to be. That isn't going to happen.

Can't you see that those OP's who have PM'd you are doing so because you are the only poster who is affirming their inner monologue? You think you are supporting, but actually you are just prolonging the hurt and the risk for these women and their children.

Often people post, stop and and NC because the reality of finally kicking in, of their life. It's fucking hard to actually do anything when you're in it.

Personally I posted and was horrified and humiliated by the response of posters, and it took me a v long time whilst NC over a period of time to face the fact my marriage was in shreds and in fact the impartial view of mn posters helped me - it was v hard though.

Telling her she likes the drama is incredbly cruel, IMO.

Op, You have a police report of DV so you might be eligible for legal aid. Can you go to your DM? Don't leave your ds, the fact he has already tried to make you leave and leave your child behind is v worrying.

Call women's aid and try not to behave differently - feign a headache or something to avoid him, you might really lucky though and he fucks off with this ow.

In this situation you don't need to have a talk with him etc. You go, taking your ds. He's dangerous when crossed. Take care and keep posting.

Two drunks fighting over a sick baby?

OP, get this thug out of your lives. It was the wrong thing to do to continue with him.

Thanks Qwertyy.

Some good insights since I posted after reading NanaNina's post.

YY to bad role models and to the fear when reading that other people show your world to be so messed up.

A lot of people post that it's easy to type LTB, which, of course it is, and so much harder to come to the decision and put the wheels in motion. Actually, I doubt many of us underestimate how frightening and how hard it must be, but, we do often see how essential it is to get away from damaging and potentially extremely dangerous situations.

I was very fortunate to be brought up by a DF who instilled a firm sense of self worth and confidence into me. I knew what it was to be loved and to love in return. This carried on for me in my lifelong partnership. It's about respect and treating someone how you want to be treated. I'm absolutely nothing special or out of the ordinary, so if I can achieve this balance, then I think it should be possible for everyone and I really want to get that message across for anyone who's being downtrodden in any way. There is a better and brighter future and lots of people who will help achieve it, regardless of how bad it may seem when the person first reaches out for help.

OP, to be honest I don't understand how you can cuddle up to a man only hours after he treats you like he did at the nursery (I'm referring to your origial post). In my book he'd be outside with his bag packed, not on the sofa cuddling.

You say you don't want to leave, you want him to be caring - yes, and I want the Moon to be of cheese. What I mean is that you have no control over who or what this man is - but caring and loving he is not. You need to get yourself and your DS away from him. As you call him DP I presume you're not married - is he on your DS's birth certificate?

Silly me - thinking I could start a discussion about how to support women who are suffering DV who are not, for whatever reason going to leave the abuser. I should have known it would be an opportunity for someone to have another go at me and here we have LizKeen making all sorts of allegations about me that have no basis in fact.

I have not given women "more hope to cling to" on other threads, absolutely not.

I am astonished that you seem to know the reason why OPs have PMed me and you think it's because I "affirm their inner monologue" - what nonsense. You clearly see yourself as very perceptive but you are not party to PMs between myself and any other poster, and so cannot therefore have any notion of the content of those PMs.

I have worked for Women's Aid since 1979 and have transported countless women and their children to refuges over the years, and worked on a rota basis to support women once they have fled a violent relationship. Maybe that's why I feel insulted when I am accused of such nonsense as "prolonging the hurt and risk to these women." And you think posters piling in to tell the OP to LTB is going to be successful???

Anyway the OP has gone as is usual on these threads.

Do you know on average how many time a woman is assaulted by a violent partner before she reports the offence to the police? No I thought not. Look it up - you'll be surprised.

Just recommend Lundy Bancroft, "Why does he do that."

He gets you to LTB without actually telling you to LTB. If that book doesn't get you to see the light of day, get bloody indignant and get you to LTB I don't know what will.

Best recommendation I've ever seen on Mumsnet. That man should be knighted!

Hope you come back OP and know that you can get support here.

I wish we had an eye roll emoticon.

You cannot claim to want to start a discussion, and then balk at another posters comments because you don't agree with them.

Your work with WA is very commendable, but that does not devalue my opinion or my experiences, of which you know nothing. Pot. Kettle.

IRL your approach is probably very successful, but online, anonymously, as one voice among many, it is damaging.

OP I'm sorry I'm going to speak to everyone else for a minute.

I was one of the many OPs who was told to LTB. I had come on here a few years ago asking if I was overreacting. I wasn't overreacting - like OP I suspected as much hence the thread.

It was pretty terrifying when so many posters all said the same thing: yes it was abuse; no he wouldn't change; my DC were being harmed simply by observing me walk on eggshells; it would only get worse.

The idea of giving up my hopes for the marriage/family I thought I had, as well as the terror of actually having to defy him and leave had made me hope I was being unreasonable.

It took me a few months but I left and stayed away. God knows how long I'd had stayed if it hadn't been for all those LTBs - some voiced quite harshly.

Leaving immediately isn't always the best option. So many women go back to their abusers because it's really bloody hard and if you leave before you're totally convinced it's the right thing, or before you have a solid practical plan and support in place, well, I can see why it could fall apart.

So keep telling OP the truth about the abuse, and keep supporting her to leave when she can. And FFS don't tell her she's loving the drama because she doesn't leave right this instance with no money and a just a clean pair of pants .

OP you've had a pretty stressful couple of days. You've got a lot to think about. Take your time but know that it is abuse and you can leave