Just devastated

[pumpkinmoon1]

I have been with my boyfriend for six months. Minor issues about time spent together and effort (or lack of) seemingly put into the relationship from his side. Major issues being that we wanted different things, I want to get married one day and have a child, he doesn't. Another major issues is him alluding to the fact that he was not over his ex after being apart for over 10 years.

We met and clicked, it was great. He told me that he had 'relationships' in the last 10 years, but kept it casual, was always upfront about lettig them know this and the fact that it wasn't going to go anywhere. I should have ran away then, but I stayed. Why? Because he said I was different and he wanted more. He wanted to be exclusive after 2 weeks or datng and soon after wated to label us as in a proper relationship. He did a good job of making me feel wanted and speicla and 'different'. But time went on and things played on my mind.

At 6 months, I still had not met his family. He neevr really told anyone about me unless they found out of their own accord eg saw us together.

Last weekend was a turning point. We were laying in bed talking on a Sunday morning, and he said that he had to go, he always did this on a Sunday. He said that he had to take a keyboard to his parents for his neice as she was having lessons and wanted to practice. So I was a little dissaponted. Not about the fact that he had to deliver the keyboard, but about the fact that I was just sick and tired of being left alone every Sunday afternoon when we could have been doing things as a couple like most normal people. So he thought that I thought he was making excuses to leave. He asked me if I wanted to go with him. This was a first. I thought that we were actually moving forward. I asked him what he meant and said that I bet his parents didn't even know he had a gf, and he said 'nope', but I could wait in the car. I was gutted. Gutted that after 6 months, I wasn't importaant enough to even be mentioned.

Fast forward to this weekend. Sunday again, we wake up and he says he has to go soon. To pick p a TV with his dad and watched the football and rugby AGAIN. I was calm and said that we need to have a talk about this Sunday afternoon stuff and that it would just be nice to do syuff as a couple on weekends. He mentioned the times he saw me in the week (Tuesday and Thursday evenings for about 4 hours each) and I said I understood that but we can't really do anything in the week as we have work the next day, and weekends are better. He then said that maybe hes just not a good boyfried, and that he isn't relationship material. I told him that he could be if he wanted to be.

He then said that maybe because he has been single so long he is jst stuck in his ways and he's used to doing what he wanted. I really can't remember what was said next but we got to talking about the 'casual' relationships he had in the last 10 years becasue he said that the longest they lasted would be about 3 months. I asked who would end them and he said he would for the most part. I asked why and he said that when he tells me I will probably not want to see him again. What I heard next killed me and I am beginning to shake even as I type this. He said that as he was still living in the past as far as his ex of over 10 years was concerned and always had the hope that they would get back together so when she would contact him out of the blue, he would go meet her and that would be how these relationshps ended. He then went onto say that he should have been more honest with me and that he was still in love with his ex, head over heels in love in fact. So I said that he basically fed me a load of bullshit all these months and despite claiming to 'like' me more than these casuals and that I was different to him, he afforded them more decency as he was up front with them. He said this wasnt the case. I asked if he had been texting her behind my back. He said he hadn't but text her at Christmas and New Year but she didn't reply. I asked him if she was with someone and he said she was. I asked him how he knew but he wouldn't tell me. I asked him if she was married (she's 12 years older than him so 52), he didn't say no, but just repeated she is with someone. SO I think she is married and I think she was when she was with him because he absolutely refuses to talk about it. He said that he wouldn't get into her personal life because she has done nothing wrong, so yes, I definitely think she is married. I asked how they broke up but he wouldn't tell me, he knows my views on people who cheat.

So then he said that I'm sure you have a question in your mind. I asked what he meant by this a little while after. He said I was hoping to avoid that, but went on to say that I probably have the question that if she were to text him now while he's still in a relationship with me, would he go meet her, and then he said he would. As if heaving that he was still head over heels in love with her wasn't enough.

Before he left, he started crying and begged me to let him come back later to talk. I couldn't even answer him but hugged him when I could see the tears dripping from his face. He said that he didn't want to lose me but said he knows how stupid that must sound to me. He text me a little later and came back. I couldn't even speak or look at him. He brought cans of alcohol with him which he sometiems does as we usually have a can or two in front of the TV. He asked if I wanted one and I said I didn't, but said he could have one if he wanted, so he did. Then he sat on the sofa next to me put his hand on my leg in an affectionate way and proceeded to make small talk about what was on TV as IF NOTHING HAD HAPPENED?

We didn't talk. I was so so upset and we just hugged for hours and cried. He said that I was so beautiful and could have any man I wanted but I ended up with a fucking idiot like him. He said he was so so sorry and that he was a massive dick for all of this and that it is all his fault. I cried that much and got so worked up I made myself sick. We eneded up falling asleep. I was exhausted from crying all day and not being able to eat anything.

We woke up and he had to leave as he had work the next morning. He usually comes over on a Tuesday and before he left he was hugging me and asked to come over Tuesday but he would understand if I didn't want to see him. I couldn't answer. Eventually I said that it's not like I don't want to see him, then he finsihed the sentence and said, but you think might be best not to and I agreed. He told me to think about it and to let him know. He hugged me again by the door before leaving and said that I mean so much to him. It did not help to hear such things, it just hurt more. When he got home he text me as he usually does and said that he was back home,and that he hopes I sleep well an that he wished he could be with me and cuddle me in his arms all night. I replied and told him that I hoped he sleeps well. He then text me this morning saying, 'Morning beautiful girl. Hope you slept well and that you're feeling ok today. I'm still feeling a bit tired and could do with going back to bed'. I haven't answered. I don't know how to respond to that. How a I meant to feel ok today? I have had barely any sleep. I haven't eaten. I am still in my pajamas, I had to take the day off work because I just couldn't face it. How does he expect me to feel ok? Does he not remember what he said to me yesterday? I know he doesn't want this to be over, but how could he think I could possibly stay with him? How could I let him come here Tuesday (like usual) and just be able to carry on? I'll be perfectly honest, I don't want it over either but I really have no choice. Even if he cheated on me, they may somehow be a way around that, but there is no way around the fact that he is still in love with his ex, and after 10 years+ that is never going to change. How can someone still be in love with someone when they broke up that long ago? nd wich someone they haven't seen for over two years.

I don't know how to proceed. I am a total mess.

[Livingforlove]

Why are you being so nice and thoughtful when he has just told you he prefers someone else to you?

[lavenderhoney]

Can he come over later? He's got more front than I would have believed possible. Nothing wrong with his ego then.

No - because of you let him come over and sleep with him and all his promises he will fuck off for good in the morning. What a chancer.

[pumpkinmoon1]

He said on Sundy night that I could cream and shout and him and call him all the names under the sun, and then picked my hand up and pretended to hit himself in the face with it.

Even if I let him come over, I wouldn't sleep with him. The thought of that makes me feel sick and used.

I just need a way to put it so I can tell him no. I know that if he comes over it will just be a repeat of Sunday night and I will be back at square one again when he leaves later.

[lavenderhoney]

He's lining you up to be his FWB.

Unless that's what you want- and I sincerely hope not- ignore him, and move on. Get busy. Hes told you - which unless he's deeply stupid, what does he think would happen? You'd say " oh, ok, please continue to keep me a secret and fuck with my head? I love that about a guy" honestly - he's trying to make it seem as though you're the bad guy now. Or you need to " fight" for him and make it work. Yawn. Start dating again.

[Guiltypleasures001]

Op this guys a head fuck

He knows what he's doing, he's just saying whatever is in his head at any one time, and it all comes out as verbal diarrhoea. He has no filter it's like he can't stop himself from being over honest, but then can't compute that he has hurt you deeply, to him it's just words.

I seriously do believe he is mentally not the full ticket, there's no empathy of any depth I'de love to know what his relational history is, to be honest I think he is a fantasist.

I doubt he will believe what you say about leave me alone, he's not really tuned in to what's being said to him, he lives in his own bubble I think he has serious problems and they are not yours to fix.

He's on a fixed script, I think your not the first to be on his merry go round, sadly you won't be the last either.

Only when you love yourself, can you show someone else how to love you too.

[pumpkinmoon1]

Well yeah, however he has labelled it, that's what I have bene for the past 6 months effectively, because it was never going to go anywhere, unfotunately he was the only one who knew this. He told me eventually, but it was 6 months too late. I couldn't ever do this to someone. He must have known how much I thought of him. I told him all the time. And after what he told me, trying to keep me around is trying to keep me as a fwb or at best in a casual relationship that isn't going to ever go anywhere whether he realises what he is doing or not.

[Guiltypleasures001]

Delete and block, threaten police for harassment if he persists.

[Cleensheetsandbedding]

pumkin you really need to stop being a push over. You clearly have very low self esteem and this guy is counting on that.

He has been fucking you for six months all the time wanting it to be his ex. What kind of mug does he think you are? And why are you allowing him to do this??

Just say 'NO' and turn your phone off.

[pumpkinmoon1]

I am not the first Guiltypleasures. He has told me he has had casual relationships in the last 10 years and now why they ended, because of his ex. And despite telling me that things were different with me and leading me to really believe they were, the same exact thing has happened. So it seems I'm just one in a long string of women he has left behind hurt in the dust.

[pumpkinmoon1]

I told him not to come over. He said that he understood and that he was so sorry, and that I mean so much to him and that I don't deserve any of this.

[expatinscotland]

Don't let him come over. He is using you as a convenient hole. You're 36 and you want marriage and kids. I hate to tell you this, but time is not on your side (for every tale of someone who met and had kids in their late 30s and 40s, there are several more who were unable to) and certainly not to be wasting it with an immature, mind-fucking user like this. How would you feel if you were my age, 45, and that ship had sailed and you looked back and realised you wasted time with twats like this? When I got to be 31, I stopped wasting time with gits like this. Within a year, I was married and pregnant.

You have to stop the pattern to get anywhere. You don't even have to do it face to face. You owe this guy nothing. He uses you.

'No, I don't deserve this. I want different things in life and this is wasting my time. So you need to leave me alone, entirely, for good. This is goodbye.'

This guy is forty and behaving like boyfriends I had when I was 18.

[var123]

You don't need to be horrible but you do need to say no.

Try this: imagine its August. You haven't heard from him for months. You've been on a few dates and you've got your confidence back. Then he calls asking how you are and suggesting he comes over to pick up where he left off.

What would you say? You don't hate him but you think he's got a bit of a cheek and wouldn't dream of going back there so you calmly say no, you aren't interested. Sorry. Hope you have a nice life.

If you mentally move on, or just pretend to yourself that you have, then replies this week will be easy. They don't have to be aggressive, just assertive and said in such a way that you aren't waiting to see how he reacts because you just don't care.

[var123]

........and I don't deserve any of this.

Well he got that bit right! So, take some responsibility and don't let him do it to you.

[expatinscotland]

That's just classic, too, he's sorry, you don't deserve this, you mean so much to him.

He's been reading this script for years. He's very practiced at it. The ol' unrequited love BS. Right up there with married men who no longer sleep with their wives, who don't understand them, they've grown apart.

Yawn. This guy is a tattered old book.

[var123]

(oh and they loathe it when you move on whilst you are still supposed to be grieving for the loss that is them. )
Right now, you are supposed to be torn in two, crying half the time, angst ridden over his every word, whilst he plays the romantic hero whose heart was broken by another woman and so can never truly give himself to you. Failing that you could play the wronged woman whilst he is the honourable man whose heart belongs to another etc., etc.
What you aren't supposed to do is emotionally close the door and treat him like you're surprised to find that he's still hanging around and secretly hoping that he gives up and leaves v. soon as there's a film you want to watch on the TV and you've got a busy week planned.

[expatinscotland]

'(oh and they loathe it when you move on whilst you are still supposed to be grieving for the loss that is them. )'

THIS! With bells on. I had one of these. He simply could not risk his heart again after his divorce. Blah blah blah. I cut him loose.

The night before I left my home country for the UK, my flat all cleared out, everything sold, he turned up at my door. 'Can't believe you're actually doing this.' 'Yep. I am. Have to get up early for my flight.' 'I wish you all the best. I hope you get all you hoped for.' 'Oh, I certainly will. I'm giving this a year, see what turns up and then going to have a child with a gay couple, hopefully two or more if they want it while time is still on my side.' 'I'll be thinking of you.' 'That's very kind of you. Well, as I said, I have to get up early tomorrow. I'd better turn in. Bye, now.'

I had a couple of doozies after him, but they only lasted a couple of weeks. No more players and mind fuckers.

[pumpkinmoon1]

Thanks all for those messages, they have really helped. I know it's only a small thing but when he asked me on Sunday before he left if he would be able to come down today and told me to think about it, I was leaning toward no but was in two minds. I am glad I found the strength to say no. Yes, I am that much os a fucking sap.

He text again and said... 'I forgot it's pancake day today. Wish I could wrap my arms and the blanket around you like a big cosy pancake, as I would try cooking you one but I don't know how :/ Sorry for rambling I just wish I could make everything better and don't really know what to talk about x'

Funny thing is, when I read this message, I thought he for sure would not be texting me thinking of ways to make me feel better and be wondering what to talk about with me and wishing he could wrap me up if she had text him yesterday asking for him back! He would be FUCKING GONE without a second thought for me or my wellbeing!

[expatinscotland]

'I forgot it's pancake day today. Wish I could wrap my arms and the blanket around you like a big cosy pancake, as I would try cooking you one but I don't know how :/ Sorry for rambling I just wish I could make everything better and don't really know what to talk about x' '

Oh, please! Can't cook a pancake. Diddums. My 7-year-old son, who has autism, poured the relevant amount of water into a bottle of mix we picked up in Tesco, shook it up, added a knob of butter to a pan and made a fucking pancake. This guy is 40.

He doesn't want to make anything better. He wants to keep you sweet to continue all this silly drama.

Again, this is easy. You don't even need to do face-to-face.

'You are right. I don't deserve this. I want marriage and kids, so it's time for me to move on. I'm sure you understand. Best of luck to you in the future. Goodbye.'

[expatinscotland]

You need to start getting angry at how this person uses you. I did and it was like, 'Wow. Fuck off already.' I was actually embarrassed with myself for having wasted so much time.

[Quinoa20]

I am so sorry, I wasted too much time on someone similar. 6 years on and I am happily married, he's still wallowing in his self pity pit.

Stay strop lovely as you can do so much better and I get your hatred for this older woman.

[Quinoa20]

Oh and do start deflecting some of that hatred on him too, how dare he have wasted your time like this? :(

[pumpkinmoon1]

expatinscotland - Thanks for tha, that has given me some hope. How did you do this? Were you straight up with whoever you met and told them what you wanted? eg, marriage and kids? I am 34 but still not leaving a great deal of time. My one relief in this is that I am no longer wasting that time. I am trying to focus on that.

Var123 - I like what you said about imagining it's August. That's what I should do. I am looking forward to the spring when the weather is better and I can go out walking my dog all over. Something he rarely did with me because the football was on and he just had to watch it.

How do I treat him like I am surprised he is still hanging around?

[pumpkinmoon1]

I'm glad you got out of ir Quinoa and are happily married now. I'm also thankful that you get why I am frustrated with her. I know it's not her fault, done nothing to me bla bla bla but I still feel that way sometimes.

[expatinscotland]

Well, what changed most was that my bullshit/player radar was far better after I started dropping people like this guy. I'd start seeing someone and get a pretty good feel for them just by what they tell you. Interestingly, you'll find people who don't want marriage and kids are quite forthcoming with that early on. And those who want to just be 'casual', that's pretty obvious early on, too.

You can get the full-on ones, and be really careful of those, too, and really? Just let your gut be your guide. I read a good book, not about dating but about people and life, called The Gift of Fear, and it was really refreshing.

And you don't treat him like you are surprised. If you cannot just text him, 'This isn't working for me, later,' or something similar then you just stop responding to him so much. He texts, just leave it until YOU feel like texting back. He texts again, just turn the phone off or ignore.

But start to get angry, I really hope you do, because this guy is a classic player.

Believe me, plenty of us have had men who read from the same page. It's a script.

[expatinscotland]

Now is the time to stop wasting time on people like this and start spending it on you and what YOU want. I starting thinking, 'Gah, what I want is pretty basic. It's not at all out of the ordinary or asking too much.' And it isn't.