Just devastated

[pumpkinmoon1]

I have been with my boyfriend for six months. Minor issues about time spent together and effort (or lack of) seemingly put into the relationship from his side. Major issues being that we wanted different things, I want to get married one day and have a child, he doesn't. Another major issues is him alluding to the fact that he was not over his ex after being apart for over 10 years.

We met and clicked, it was great. He told me that he had 'relationships' in the last 10 years, but kept it casual, was always upfront about lettig them know this and the fact that it wasn't going to go anywhere. I should have ran away then, but I stayed. Why? Because he said I was different and he wanted more. He wanted to be exclusive after 2 weeks or datng and soon after wated to label us as in a proper relationship. He did a good job of making me feel wanted and speicla and 'different'. But time went on and things played on my mind.

At 6 months, I still had not met his family. He neevr really told anyone about me unless they found out of their own accord eg saw us together.

Last weekend was a turning point. We were laying in bed talking on a Sunday morning, and he said that he had to go, he always did this on a Sunday. He said that he had to take a keyboard to his parents for his neice as she was having lessons and wanted to practice. So I was a little dissaponted. Not about the fact that he had to deliver the keyboard, but about the fact that I was just sick and tired of being left alone every Sunday afternoon when we could have been doing things as a couple like most normal people. So he thought that I thought he was making excuses to leave. He asked me if I wanted to go with him. This was a first. I thought that we were actually moving forward. I asked him what he meant and said that I bet his parents didn't even know he had a gf, and he said 'nope', but I could wait in the car. I was gutted. Gutted that after 6 months, I wasn't importaant enough to even be mentioned.

Fast forward to this weekend. Sunday again, we wake up and he says he has to go soon. To pick p a TV with his dad and watched the football and rugby AGAIN. I was calm and said that we need to have a talk about this Sunday afternoon stuff and that it would just be nice to do syuff as a couple on weekends. He mentioned the times he saw me in the week (Tuesday and Thursday evenings for about 4 hours each) and I said I understood that but we can't really do anything in the week as we have work the next day, and weekends are better. He then said that maybe hes just not a good boyfried, and that he isn't relationship material. I told him that he could be if he wanted to be.

He then said that maybe because he has been single so long he is jst stuck in his ways and he's used to doing what he wanted. I really can't remember what was said next but we got to talking about the 'casual' relationships he had in the last 10 years becasue he said that the longest they lasted would be about 3 months. I asked who would end them and he said he would for the most part. I asked why and he said that when he tells me I will probably not want to see him again. What I heard next killed me and I am beginning to shake even as I type this. He said that as he was still living in the past as far as his ex of over 10 years was concerned and always had the hope that they would get back together so when she would contact him out of the blue, he would go meet her and that would be how these relationshps ended. He then went onto say that he should have been more honest with me and that he was still in love with his ex, head over heels in love in fact. So I said that he basically fed me a load of bullshit all these months and despite claiming to 'like' me more than these casuals and that I was different to him, he afforded them more decency as he was up front with them. He said this wasnt the case. I asked if he had been texting her behind my back. He said he hadn't but text her at Christmas and New Year but she didn't reply. I asked him if she was with someone and he said she was. I asked him how he knew but he wouldn't tell me. I asked him if she was married (she's 12 years older than him so 52), he didn't say no, but just repeated she is with someone. SO I think she is married and I think she was when she was with him because he absolutely refuses to talk about it. He said that he wouldn't get into her personal life because she has done nothing wrong, so yes, I definitely think she is married. I asked how they broke up but he wouldn't tell me, he knows my views on people who cheat.

So then he said that I'm sure you have a question in your mind. I asked what he meant by this a little while after. He said I was hoping to avoid that, but went on to say that I probably have the question that if she were to text him now while he's still in a relationship with me, would he go meet her, and then he said he would. As if heaving that he was still head over heels in love with her wasn't enough.

Before he left, he started crying and begged me to let him come back later to talk. I couldn't even answer him but hugged him when I could see the tears dripping from his face. He said that he didn't want to lose me but said he knows how stupid that must sound to me. He text me a little later and came back. I couldn't even speak or look at him. He brought cans of alcohol with him which he sometiems does as we usually have a can or two in front of the TV. He asked if I wanted one and I said I didn't, but said he could have one if he wanted, so he did. Then he sat on the sofa next to me put his hand on my leg in an affectionate way and proceeded to make small talk about what was on TV as IF NOTHING HAD HAPPENED?

We didn't talk. I was so so upset and we just hugged for hours and cried. He said that I was so beautiful and could have any man I wanted but I ended up with a fucking idiot like him. He said he was so so sorry and that he was a massive dick for all of this and that it is all his fault. I cried that much and got so worked up I made myself sick. We eneded up falling asleep. I was exhausted from crying all day and not being able to eat anything.

We woke up and he had to leave as he had work the next morning. He usually comes over on a Tuesday and before he left he was hugging me and asked to come over Tuesday but he would understand if I didn't want to see him. I couldn't answer. Eventually I said that it's not like I don't want to see him, then he finsihed the sentence and said, but you think might be best not to and I agreed. He told me to think about it and to let him know. He hugged me again by the door before leaving and said that I mean so much to him. It did not help to hear such things, it just hurt more. When he got home he text me as he usually does and said that he was back home,and that he hopes I sleep well an that he wished he could be with me and cuddle me in his arms all night. I replied and told him that I hoped he sleeps well. He then text me this morning saying, 'Morning beautiful girl. Hope you slept well and that you're feeling ok today. I'm still feeling a bit tired and could do with going back to bed'. I haven't answered. I don't know how to respond to that. How a I meant to feel ok today? I have had barely any sleep. I haven't eaten. I am still in my pajamas, I had to take the day off work because I just couldn't face it. How does he expect me to feel ok? Does he not remember what he said to me yesterday? I know he doesn't want this to be over, but how could he think I could possibly stay with him? How could I let him come here Tuesday (like usual) and just be able to carry on? I'll be perfectly honest, I don't want it over either but I really have no choice. Even if he cheated on me, they may somehow be a way around that, but there is no way around the fact that he is still in love with his ex, and after 10 years+ that is never going to change. How can someone still be in love with someone when they broke up that long ago? nd wich someone they haven't seen for over two years.

I don't know how to proceed. I am a total mess.

[pumpkinmoon1]

I'll look into that book. I haven't bee responding much to him. I usually just give one sentence anwers after ages of not replying. I feel like I need some questions answered but not sure what they are exactly yet.

[expatinscotland]

Let's hope you realise, any questions you have, he'll have an excuse. There's always an excuse with him. This is a script he's been reading for a long time. All he has to do is press 'play'.

I really hope this need passes and turns to anger. Like Quinoa said, how dare he treat you like this! I have a daughter, and if some guy were treating her like this guy is treating you, I'd want to kick his arse.

[Quinoa20]

*strong not strop but strop is ok too!

Don't worry about explanations - I tore myself up in knots for 6 months still being his email and text buddy (it was a LDR) Then just realised I owed it to myself to move the f on.

[var123]

I think anger is not the emotion to go for! Its like love and hate i.e. two sides of the same coin. You need to go for indifference. Get him out of your head, stop thinking about him. In short, forget about him like he is unimportant because eventually that's exactly what he should be: unimportant.

Surprise... I meant the way you'd be if someone stopped by your desk at work to chat when you barely know them, aren't interested in getting to know them and then your heart sinks as you realise that they want to talk for 30 mins about nothing just because they are bored whilst you eye the huge pile of work you'd rather be getting through.

[Guiltypleasures001]

You might get answers but will they be good enough ?

He's been telling you what and who he is op but your not listening, your caught up in the drama
And trying to create some sort of narrative from his bullshit. It's hard to face up to being sucked in sometimes, it's easier to believe the hype then the truth.

He won't ever make sense lovely, he doesn't know what sense is, hes like a broken record except he needs to change the woman's name now and again.

[pumpkinmoon1]

You're all probably right. I wish I had never met him. I replied to his text to tell him not to worry about thinking of anything to say, that it's not his responsibility to make anything better. He replied to say that it's his fault this happened and that he knows he can't say or do anything to make it any better but he wishes he could.

I do feel angry. It seems he's trying to deliberately make this difficult for me by trying to be nice. I wish he would just be a twat and just say well that's how it is, no you're not good enough for me, never will be so fuck off and find someone else who does actually want to be with you and who does actually think you're good enough for them.

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

Oh, lovey. I had one of those. They're so tedious.

It's to your credit that you don't want to be rude but, really, he doesn't deserve courtesy. Indeed, he'll take that as weakness or wavering. So, if you like, consider "rudeness" (assertiveness isn't, you know!) as kindness to both of you. He's wasting your time and sanity in continuing thus, as well as his dignity.

BTW, there's a Mumsnet piece of wisdom I saw a while back: "You thought he was a decent man. He thought you were a mug. Turns out you were both wrong."

[pumpkinmoon1]

That is a great saying. I should text him that! I do wonder if he will have the gall to ask me if I want to do anything on valentines day. I hope so because I think that will eventually make me flip and tell him to fuck off!

[pumpkinmoon1]

I should want to be rude. I shouldn't even be speaking to the arsehole. I should have dumped all the hollow bought-out-of-obligation Christmas and birthday gifts I bagged up Sunday afternoon on his doorstep by now.

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

What everybody else has been saying: disengage. Stop thinking about what he will think of this or that. Stop caring. I know it's easy to say, but you have to stop engaging.

Nothing - NOTHING - that you say or do will make him change or feel bad or make you feel better or even give you closure. And, after days or weeks (please don't let it be that long!), you'll be kicking yourself for spending any further headspace on him.

Find your inner "Meh".

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

Oh, and don't return his presents. Either keep them (if you want to), or charity shop/eBay them. They're presents, not a family heirloom engagement ring, conditional upon you bring with him. They are also not a gesture he would even recognise in a positive way.

[Quinoa20]

Then do it xx

I can't believe such other men existed til I read this xx

[pumpkinmoon1]

I'm in two minds. I wouldn't want him to view it in a positive way. I just want them out of my sight. I'll probably just end up throwing them out because I guess leaving them there for him is not a nice thing to do. They probably won't bother me when I am through this shit and over him.

I am shocked at the replies from people who have said they had one like him too. I didn't realise this was so common. He has since said that he is glad he can still text me at least even if he can't see me and he is thankful I am still texting him. I uttered a fuck off to my phone when I read that one.

I have been wondering why he said he didn't want to lose me on Sunday when he was in tears when I'm obviously nothing to him, then it dawned on me, without trying to blow my own trumpet but I am probably the best thing he has found in the last 10 fucking years. And what an idiot he was to fuck that off over some fucking fantasy. Sorry about the language but I'm angry.

[TheStoic]

Oh OP, I'm so angry on your behalf! I'm normally calm, composed and hard to rile but those pathetic, whiney, sad face comments like 'I wish I could make it better' or 'I'm so glad I can still text you' would make me want to punch a hole in the wall.

He is LOVING this right now. Seriously, this is his raison d'être. He prefers this dynamic to a normal relationship. He is not sad, he is THRIVING.

Please don't keep feeding him!

[var123]

This is what I think: From his point of view, there are various ways that this can play out.

Option 1: He tells you that he has never got over his ex and you are devastated. He pretends remorse that he can never give you what you want and then he shows what you are missing out on by comforting you through your grief whilst secretly relishing his leading role as the tragic hero with you in the supporting role of broken-hearted fair maiden .

Option 2: He tells you that he has never got over his ex and you are devastated. He offers to comfort you. You end up having sex and falling into a pattern where he spends as much time with you as he feels like but you stop making demands of him to pretend that there could be a future or even just behave like a boyfriend to you. Eventually he gets bored of this and dumps you by saying you deserve so much more so he is setting you free (which means he still gets to play the tragic hero leads but now your supporting role is the woman with low self-esteem who he couldn't help).

Option 3: He tells you that he has never got over his ex and you are devastated for a few days and then you turn into an ugly fishwife. He exits stage still playing the tragic hero whose heart belongs to another but who now knows why you never seemed right for him.

Option 4: (The option that he hasn't factored in). You convince him through your behaviour that you were never as into him as he thought you were. You don't rebound straight into another relationship, you just straighten yourself up and look at him with a little pity for his pathetic-ness before calmly and contently getting on with you life. In doing so, you make him feel unimportant like he's got the supporting role of a pathetic little man.

He'll hate option 4, which is why its the best revenge (IMO!).

[var123]

pumpkinmoon1 - There are loads of commitment-phobes out there. When you meet someone who is 40 and hasn't been in a long term relationship ever, you need to ask yourself if there is maybe a reason for that.

Generalising a bit, but a woman who plans to leave it to 40 to find a man and start a family, is leaving it late and biology may take over. Whereas a man can do this given that his eggs don't age and his body doesn't need to endure the pregnancy.

[expatinscotland]

'I am shocked at the replies from people who have said they had one like him too. I didn't realise this was so common.'

It's very common. They all follow a similar script, too. Just charity shop the pressies. Disengage. Stop responding. Stop feeding him. STOP even considering what he thinks, how he views all this, or his feelings because he doesn't care about you except in what he can get out of you. He isn't worth a second thought. You need to move on with your life.

It's a pity you can't just tell him it's over, it's not working for you, you want marriage and kids and he doesn't so goodbye.

I got to that point, thankfully, before it was too late and just felt nothing when telling the fool that except the inner, 'Get out of my flat.'

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

Pumpkin, I cannot link to a YouTube video (I've tried in the past), but what you need to do is channel Vampire Willow when she says "Bored now".

Indeed, say that in reply to his "at least I can text you" whinge. Or, better, just say "No. You can't."

I agree with PP: he's enjoying this drama almost as much as he enjoyed keeping you on a string. Sure, he doesn't get to shag you anymore (please tell me I'm not wrong about that!!!), but you're still giving him kibbles of attention.

Read //ChumpLady.com - even though the main thrust of her raison d'etre is infidelity, she has a very good handle on the disordered. You'll love "ego kibbles".

And you'll see how pathetically common twerps like your ex are. There's nothing romantically, tragically wrong with the stars in this guy's heaven. He's just a sad-shit little lump of dysfunction. And a boring one at that.

Say it: "Bored now."

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

And nobody minds your language, btw. Testify! Fuck yeah!

[var123]

There's nothing romantically, tragically wrong with the stars in this guy's heaven. He's just a sad-shit little lump of dysfunction. And a boring one at that.

Say it: "Bored now."

^^THIS.

[MagicalMrsMistoffelees]

The reason he doesn't want to 'lose you' is because he needs a reserve!

Yet when she offers him a scrap of attention he'll drop you - and it'll be with a clear conscience too because, after all, he did warn you he loved her and couldn't commit to you!

It's a win-win for him!^^
^^
But the power is in your hands; don't be anybody's reserve!

He's probably fundamentally a nice guy. He probably does like you. But even without this still in love with old girlfriend nonsense he still won't give you what you deserve - a real life together that includes living together, marriage, children, a relationship with his family and friends.

You are 34! So, so young. Certainly young enough to meet a great guy and have a family.

SO - immediately disengage from this man and be grateful you only wasted six months on him!

WHY are you still replying to his text messages?!

WHY is he not deleted and blocked on your phone?

It's like a smoker who 'gives up' but can't help having a one a day, maybe two. It's a false 'giving up'. It only encourages the cravings and makes it harder in the long run.

So make this Day Zero. Tell him not to contact you again then block!

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

WHY is he not deleted and blocked on your phone?

Yes! This too.

I don't know how to block on my phone, and, thankfully, nobody has been this unpleasant in my life lately. But I have had some people in my contacts list who have been renamed "Asshole", Moron", "Git"...

Try it, pumpkin. If you xant blick hid number, at least change his contact name to "40YearsOld&Can'tCook" or something. Something that will make you chuckle and get angry at the same time. Because that's what you need.

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

...can't block his ... #stupidphone

[var123]

Why not rename on your phone as "Coochy Coo". Then at least you'll be able to see what he's doing when he rings or texts.

Coochy Coo: How are you, baby girl?
You: Fine. Busy.
Coochy Coo: I was think about you last night. Wishing I could be with you to look after you.
You: No need, but thanks for the offer.
Coochy Coo: I know how upset you are. If only I could see you to comfort you.
You: Go away.

[pumpkinmoon1]

Var – I am definitely going for option 4. I have no choice but to move on. I’ll put up with a lot of shit, but I won’t put up with being second best. Someone here said, even if I stayed with him, I would be sent into panic mode everytime his phone rang or he got a text message just in case it was her asking for him back. It helps to think of that. I guess now even if I didn’t hear from him from a certain amount of time, I would think that maybe it was to do with her. He has been in ltr’s, but not for 10 years as she was the last one. I don’t know much of his relationship past before her. I assume it started in his early 20’s maybe, as he said that he had joined to train in the SAS but he met someone and could only see her on weekends so he gave it up. Yet another reason I think she was married. Even if he met her at 20, she would have been 32 and quite possibly married.

Expatinscotland – I am getting there. I am getting so fed up of this. At least in my mind I KNOW it’s over. I just need to be ready to tell him that. When that time comes, I am going to take some satisfaction in doing it. I am not sure I would mention the marriage and kids thing to him though. I have never mentioned it to him before so not sure what the point would be. I also don’t want it in any way to make him feel better about what he has done, because he could think, ‘oh well, she would have ended it anyway if she wanted those things so I did her a favour really’.

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer – I have looked for that channel on youtube, did you mean the Willow from Buffy? And no, he definitely isn’t shagging me anymore. He actually told me all this on Sunday AFTER we had been intimate. PUKE! I am going to take a look at that chumplady, I have had a quick look.

MagicMrsMistoffelees – Youre right. He would just drop me. Only reason he is in touch with me now still is because he hasn’t got her.


I forgot to mention earlier in this thread, he actually has her name tattooed on his thigh with two hearts along with his name. VILE. I always hated looking at that. He also has what looked like a poem tattooed around his arm... It's in latin I think. I asked him what it said before but he wouldn't tell me. So last night, I googled one of the words, 'Deliciae'. It brought up a poem in Latin called Catullus 2. It basically means this... “Catullus 2” is written to the pet sparrow of Catullus’ lover, which is usually taken to mean Lesbia, an alias he uses in many of his poems for Clodia (the wife of the eminent Roman statesman, Clodius), with whom he carried on an illicit affair for some time. So I do definitely think she was married and had an affair with him. That just adds to the mystery and obsession for him doesn't it!

Explains why she could only see him on weekends, explains why he won't tell me why and how it ended. I remember about 2 months ago.. We were watching TV and the subject of affairs came up and cheating. I said how much I hated it and how wrong it was and if someone isn't hapy they should just leave. He said it isn't that black and white and basically said there were many reasons why people cheat and they're not bad people. HAHAH. I feel like texting him and saying OH MY GOD, SHE WAS MARRIED AND HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH YOU!!!! GOOD LUCK WITH THAT!