this is from the books I have that I read to get over my own similar guy. He carried a flame for the phantom ex for five years, and then eventually they DID get back together and he didn't even like her /fancy her at all and they ended up having a holiday together and not even having sex. I think she was just an excuse not to commit to anyone!
As kids, when we experience rejection and/or emotional pain, we often shut down. We learn not to rely on others as a coping mechanism. After being hurt in our earliest relationships, we fear being hurt again. We are reluctant to take another chance on being loved.
They are the folks that "close the door" which often inspires their partners to "knock harder" on the door they have closed. Once this has happened, the Avoidant can interpret their partner's escalation as excessive neediness, thus justifying their withdrawal and completely miss the point that their withdrawal is the point of origin. They also often miss the point that their Anxious partner’s distress is completely understandable and that it’s true: they have stepped away from the connection in an important emotional way.
How things progress with an avoidant
Whilst s/he will convince himself of the benefits of being single, s/he wants love; we all do. A Love Avoidant often comes on strong in the beginning of relationship. But, the part of him that is deathly afraid kicks in sooner or later and after that he/she will create distance in the relationship using “deactivating strategies” which are designed to shut things down before s/he finds himself too close to you. The most common deactivating strategies seen in avoidant people are:
• Saying (or thinking) “I’m not ready for a relationship” or "I can only offer you a casual relationship"
• After idealising their partner at first, they will now begin focusing on small imperfections: the way s/ he talks, dresses, eats, or (fill in the blank); creating reasons in their mind why the relationship is wrong for them and allowing it to get in the way of their romantic feelings.
• Flirting with others or perhaps more—a hurtful way to introduce insecurity into the relationship, perhaps even infidelity
• Pulling away when things are going well (e.g., not calling for several days after an intimate date).
• “Checking out mentally” from conversations of any significance.
• Keeping secrets and leaving things foggy—to maintain feelings of independence.
• Avoiding physical closeness—e.g., not wanting to share the same bed or loss of sex drive
• Compulsively focussing on seeking enjoyment outside of the relationship, for example becoming very busy with other activities and focussing attention and time elsewhere
• Stressing boundaries on their time and space that make intimacy difficult – for example refusing to make advance plans or introducing rules to make time together difficult such as a lot of "plans" at the weekends
• Not sharing thoughts or feelings in order to avoid getting closer to their partner
• Seeking casual sex as a way of fulfilling their physical needs whilst avoiding having to care about someone
• Disregarding the feelings of their partner and making their partner out to be “sensitive”, “overreacting”, or “needy” when confronted
• Missing their partner when they are apart, but feeling a need to escape when they get too close
• Idealising a past relationship, so this safely assures they do not have to deal with their current relationship. They convince themselves they missed out on love with some “perfect” ex or that their current partner is not right for them. This way true love and intimacy are always just out of reach.
• Sending mixed signals and being very on an off to constantly keep their partner confused by being very intimate at times and then acting like they just met you.
• Keeping you out of their life by not introducing you to friends or family or coming up with reasons why you can't stay at his / her place.
This helps them manage the anxiety they are in denial about. Ultimately, this strategy leads to conflict and disconnection. Evading intimacy and getting too close emotionally is the name of the game for a love avoidant. The closer you try to get to your partner- their response is not to reciprocate, but to distance and run.
They are emotionally like a turtle that repeatedly pulls into his/her rigid shell when one attempts to get too close and connect emotionally. You may get occasional glimpses of his/her real self, openness, or vulnerability-- only to see them retreat once again behind their walls.
The avoidant attempts to limit his level of exposure to partners by withholding. In big and small ways, avoidants let you know that you are low on their priority list, and your inner emotional state is your problem—when you are with one, you are really still alone, in an attachment sense. By doing this they subconsciously limit the threat that being intimate with someone else causes them to feel.
For most people, relationships are fairly easy things. They come as naturally to life as breathing or making a meal. For some, however, relationships are not so easy. In fact, they present such a challenge to the individual, that a person can be said to have relationship anxiety, a fear of relationships, or suffer from “commitment phobia.”
The ways to spot someone with commitment phobia are:
- They usually have a history of being single. There is often an excuse that they haven’t met the right woman, or they justify their history by saying they still have plenty of time to settle down as they can have children at any age. A favourite line is "someday".
- They want a relationship but they also want freedom and space so they are often attracted to long distance relationships and busy independent women or women outside of their age bracket.
- They are fast to move in on a woman they are attracted to, and they pursue ardently until they win the woman over.
- They tend to limit the amount of time they spend with the women and treat her as a low priority.
- Severe commitment phobics avoid events or outings that may include the woman's family or friends.
- They like to feel in control and create time frames that suit them, often treating the woman like a puppet on a string.
- A commitment phobic won’t allow the relationship to grow and they have no intentions of ever doing so.
- They may withdraw sexually and blame it on work fatigue, or illness, or anything else that they can think of.
- They can have a history of unavailability and inaccessibility .They can be hard to contact, and they are often unpredictable when it comes to returning phone calls. They can even avoid answering calls completely.
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They are evasive and secretive about where they are and what they are doing to create space.
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They hate planning ahead because that means commitments.
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They often choose to travel a lot for work, to play a lot of sport, or be involved in many projects to create distance.
The most common reasons for this are the abusive, hurtful, unexpected and threatening treatment that was lashed onto him during his early years. This caused him to feel out of control. As an unconscious defence/survival mechanism, he blocks, avoids or pushes away the opportunity to experience a genuine loving relationship because he did not experience this when he was younger, and does not know HOW to feel safe and feel deep love at the same time.
my point is...I am willing to bet cold, hard cash that his commtiment phobia predated the phantom ex and that he is just bull shitting himself that she is the reason he can't be with anyone else. That's rubbish! He is just a man who can't love - and yes - they do exist and only extensie therapy and a strong desire to change can do anything about it. Don't take it personally and move on. He will never, ever change and it has nothing to do with you
