I have been with my boyfriend for six months. Minor issues about time spent together and effort (or lack of) seemingly put into the relationship from his side. Major issues being that we wanted different things, I want to get married one day and have a child, he doesn't. Another major issues is him alluding to the fact that he was not over his ex after being apart for over 10 years.
We met and clicked, it was great. He told me that he had 'relationships' in the last 10 years, but kept it casual, was always upfront about lettig them know this and the fact that it wasn't going to go anywhere. I should have ran away then, but I stayed. Why? Because he said I was different and he wanted more. He wanted to be exclusive after 2 weeks or datng and soon after wated to label us as in a proper relationship. He did a good job of making me feel wanted and speicla and 'different'. But time went on and things played on my mind.
At 6 months, I still had not met his family. He neevr really told anyone about me unless they found out of their own accord eg saw us together.
Last weekend was a turning point. We were laying in bed talking on a Sunday morning, and he said that he had to go, he always did this on a Sunday. He said that he had to take a keyboard to his parents for his neice as she was having lessons and wanted to practice. So I was a little dissaponted. Not about the fact that he had to deliver the keyboard, but about the fact that I was just sick and tired of being left alone every Sunday afternoon when we could have been doing things as a couple like most normal people. So he thought that I thought he was making excuses to leave. He asked me if I wanted to go with him. This was a first. I thought that we were actually moving forward. I asked him what he meant and said that I bet his parents didn't even know he had a gf, and he said 'nope', but I could wait in the car. I was gutted. Gutted that after 6 months, I wasn't importaant enough to even be mentioned.
Fast forward to this weekend. Sunday again, we wake up and he says he has to go soon. To pick p a TV with his dad and watched the football and rugby AGAIN. I was calm and said that we need to have a talk about this Sunday afternoon stuff and that it would just be nice to do syuff as a couple on weekends. He mentioned the times he saw me in the week (Tuesday and Thursday evenings for about 4 hours each) and I said I understood that but we can't really do anything in the week as we have work the next day, and weekends are better. He then said that maybe hes just not a good boyfried, and that he isn't relationship material. I told him that he could be if he wanted to be.
He then said that maybe because he has been single so long he is jst stuck in his ways and he's used to doing what he wanted. I really can't remember what was said next but we got to talking about the 'casual' relationships he had in the last 10 years becasue he said that the longest they lasted would be about 3 months. I asked who would end them and he said he would for the most part. I asked why and he said that when he tells me I will probably not want to see him again. What I heard next killed me and I am beginning to shake even as I type this. He said that as he was still living in the past as far as his ex of over 10 years was concerned and always had the hope that they would get back together so when she would contact him out of the blue, he would go meet her and that would be how these relationshps ended. He then went onto say that he should have been more honest with me and that he was still in love with his ex, head over heels in love in fact. So I said that he basically fed me a load of bullshit all these months and despite claiming to 'like' me more than these casuals and that I was different to him, he afforded them more decency as he was up front with them. He said this wasnt the case. I asked if he had been texting her behind my back. He said he hadn't but text her at Christmas and New Year but she didn't reply. I asked him if she was with someone and he said she was. I asked him how he knew but he wouldn't tell me. I asked him if she was married (she's 12 years older than him so 52), he didn't say no, but just repeated she is with someone. SO I think she is married and I think she was when she was with him because he absolutely refuses to talk about it. He said that he wouldn't get into her personal life because she has done nothing wrong, so yes, I definitely think she is married. I asked how they broke up but he wouldn't tell me, he knows my views on people who cheat.
So then he said that I'm sure you have a question in your mind. I asked what he meant by this a little while after. He said I was hoping to avoid that, but went on to say that I probably have the question that if she were to text him now while he's still in a relationship with me, would he go meet her, and then he said he would. As if heaving that he was still head over heels in love with her wasn't enough.
Before he left, he started crying and begged me to let him come back later to talk. I couldn't even answer him but hugged him when I could see the tears dripping from his face. He said that he didn't want to lose me but said he knows how stupid that must sound to me. He text me a little later and came back. I couldn't even speak or look at him. He brought cans of alcohol with him which he sometiems does as we usually have a can or two in front of the TV. He asked if I wanted one and I said I didn't, but said he could have one if he wanted, so he did. Then he sat on the sofa next to me put his hand on my leg in an affectionate way and proceeded to make small talk about what was on TV as IF NOTHING HAD HAPPENED?
We didn't talk. I was so so upset and we just hugged for hours and cried. He said that I was so beautiful and could have any man I wanted but I ended up with a fucking idiot like him. He said he was so so sorry and that he was a massive dick for all of this and that it is all his fault. I cried that much and got so worked up I made myself sick. We eneded up falling asleep. I was exhausted from crying all day and not being able to eat anything.
We woke up and he had to leave as he had work the next morning. He usually comes over on a Tuesday and before he left he was hugging me and asked to come over Tuesday but he would understand if I didn't want to see him. I couldn't answer. Eventually I said that it's not like I don't want to see him, then he finsihed the sentence and said, but you think might be best not to and I agreed. He told me to think about it and to let him know. He hugged me again by the door before leaving and said that I mean so much to him. It did not help to hear such things, it just hurt more. When he got home he text me as he usually does and said that he was back home,and that he hopes I sleep well an that he wished he could be with me and cuddle me in his arms all night. I replied and told him that I hoped he sleeps well. He then text me this morning saying, 'Morning beautiful girl. Hope you slept well and that you're feeling ok today. I'm still feeling a bit tired and could do with going back to bed'. I haven't answered. I don't know how to respond to that. How a I meant to feel ok today? I have had barely any sleep. I haven't eaten. I am still in my pajamas, I had to take the day off work because I just couldn't face it. How does he expect me to feel ok? Does he not remember what he said to me yesterday? I know he doesn't want this to be over, but how could he think I could possibly stay with him? How could I let him come here Tuesday (like usual) and just be able to carry on? I'll be perfectly honest, I don't want it over either but I really have no choice. Even if he cheated on me, they may somehow be a way around that, but there is no way around the fact that he is still in love with his ex, and after 10 years+ that is never going to change. How can someone still be in love with someone when they broke up that long ago? nd wich someone they haven't seen for over two years.
I don't know how to proceed. I am a total mess.
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Relationships
Just devastated
pumpkinmoon1 · 08/02/2016 14:29
He sounds really, really not worth it OP. I do wonder if the One That Got Away is serving some sort of purpose in his mind - i.e., thinking he'd like to be with her really means that he never has to consider offering something real to anyone else. Or this is a good way of getting out for him when he gets itchy for the next challenge. It does sound like he's using you, especially the way he tried to sit down in front of the TV and make out that everything was normal. He wants to be with someone but not necessarily offer them anything significant. In any case, it's all screwed up and however nice he is in person, definitely not husband and father material. I really wouldn't let the grass grow under your feet cutting all ties with this one. He's behaved so badly. 
I have had experience of this from both sides. I had a bf who I was with for 2 years, and I finished with him very clearly. Was only 20 something but he was convinced we would get married, have kids and I was always very clear I didn't see that. He would not leave me alone, for years. He called, sent cards, "popped round", he went out with other girls and told them I was hassling him [hmmm] He was a bloody nightmare! I am still convinced if I asked him to go out with me he would. I have no idea what he saw in me 
. I was fairly normal, okay looking, okay personality (I hope) he was just fixated. Poor lad.
Then I went out with someone who I got on great with. Who had an ex who had treated him very very badly, they had been split a couple of years. We got on great together, very lovely man (although also didn't want me to meet his parents) very caring and kind etc etc. Then his ex got wind that he was moving on, called him once and that was it - didn't see him for dust! Literally, I didn't see him again. So from 5 times a week for a few months to a couple of can't make it texts and he stopped answering his phone. They didn't even get back together I don't think, but it was clear he wanted to. Git.
His ex is the least of your worries with this chap. He obviously has some fairly significant issues to work through and I think you should be thanking your lucky stars he hasn't picked you to go through them with him. Even if it does feel shit at the moment.
By the way I met now DH about 3 weeks after the vanishing boyfriend. So that was a good timing!
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this is from the books I have that I read to get over my own similar guy. He carried a flame for the phantom ex for five years, and then eventually they DID get back together and he didn't even like her /fancy her at all and they ended up having a holiday together and not even having sex. I think she was just an excuse not to commit to anyone!
As kids, when we experience rejection and/or emotional pain, we often shut down. We learn not to rely on others as a coping mechanism. After being hurt in our earliest relationships, we fear being hurt again. We are reluctant to take another chance on being loved.
They are the folks that "close the door" which often inspires their partners to "knock harder" on the door they have closed. Once this has happened, the Avoidant can interpret their partner's escalation as excessive neediness, thus justifying their withdrawal and completely miss the point that their withdrawal is the point of origin. They also often miss the point that their Anxious partner’s distress is completely understandable and that it’s true: they have stepped away from the connection in an important emotional way.
How things progress with an avoidant
Whilst s/he will convince himself of the benefits of being single, s/he wants love; we all do. A Love Avoidant often comes on strong in the beginning of relationship. But, the part of him that is deathly afraid kicks in sooner or later and after that he/she will create distance in the relationship using “deactivating strategies” which are designed to shut things down before s/he finds himself too close to you. The most common deactivating strategies seen in avoidant people are:
• Saying (or thinking) “I’m not ready for a relationship” or "I can only offer you a casual relationship"
• After idealising their partner at first, they will now begin focusing on small imperfections: the way s/ he talks, dresses, eats, or (fill in the blank); creating reasons in their mind why the relationship is wrong for them and allowing it to get in the way of their romantic feelings.
• Flirting with others or perhaps more—a hurtful way to introduce insecurity into the relationship, perhaps even infidelity
• Pulling away when things are going well (e.g., not calling for several days after an intimate date).
• “Checking out mentally” from conversations of any significance.
• Keeping secrets and leaving things foggy—to maintain feelings of independence.
• Avoiding physical closeness—e.g., not wanting to share the same bed or loss of sex drive
• Compulsively focussing on seeking enjoyment outside of the relationship, for example becoming very busy with other activities and focussing attention and time elsewhere
• Stressing boundaries on their time and space that make intimacy difficult – for example refusing to make advance plans or introducing rules to make time together difficult such as a lot of "plans" at the weekends
• Not sharing thoughts or feelings in order to avoid getting closer to their partner
• Seeking casual sex as a way of fulfilling their physical needs whilst avoiding having to care about someone
• Disregarding the feelings of their partner and making their partner out to be “sensitive”, “overreacting”, or “needy” when confronted
• Missing their partner when they are apart, but feeling a need to escape when they get too close
• Idealising a past relationship, so this safely assures they do not have to deal with their current relationship. They convince themselves they missed out on love with some “perfect” ex or that their current partner is not right for them. This way true love and intimacy are always just out of reach.
• Sending mixed signals and being very on an off to constantly keep their partner confused by being very intimate at times and then acting like they just met you.
• Keeping you out of their life by not introducing you to friends or family or coming up with reasons why you can't stay at his / her place.
This helps them manage the anxiety they are in denial about. Ultimately, this strategy leads to conflict and disconnection. Evading intimacy and getting too close emotionally is the name of the game for a love avoidant. The closer you try to get to your partner- their response is not to reciprocate, but to distance and run.
They are emotionally like a turtle that repeatedly pulls into his/her rigid shell when one attempts to get too close and connect emotionally. You may get occasional glimpses of his/her real self, openness, or vulnerability-- only to see them retreat once again behind their walls.
The avoidant attempts to limit his level of exposure to partners by withholding. In big and small ways, avoidants let you know that you are low on their priority list, and your inner emotional state is your problem—when you are with one, you are really still alone, in an attachment sense. By doing this they subconsciously limit the threat that being intimate with someone else causes them to feel.
For most people, relationships are fairly easy things. They come as naturally to life as breathing or making a meal. For some, however, relationships are not so easy. In fact, they present such a challenge to the individual, that a person can be said to have relationship anxiety, a fear of relationships, or suffer from “commitment phobia.”
The ways to spot someone with commitment phobia are:
- They usually have a history of being single. There is often an excuse that they haven’t met the right woman, or they justify their history by saying they still have plenty of time to settle down as they can have children at any age. A favourite line is "someday".
- They want a relationship but they also want freedom and space so they are often attracted to long distance relationships and busy independent women or women outside of their age bracket.
- They are fast to move in on a woman they are attracted to, and they pursue ardently until they win the woman over.
- They tend to limit the amount of time they spend with the women and treat her as a low priority.
- Severe commitment phobics avoid events or outings that may include the woman's family or friends.
- They like to feel in control and create time frames that suit them, often treating the woman like a puppet on a string.
- A commitment phobic won’t allow the relationship to grow and they have no intentions of ever doing so.
- They may withdraw sexually and blame it on work fatigue, or illness, or anything else that they can think of.
- They can have a history of unavailability and inaccessibility .They can be hard to contact, and they are often unpredictable when it comes to returning phone calls. They can even avoid answering calls completely.
10. They are evasive and secretive about where they are and what they are doing to create space.
11. They hate planning ahead because that means commitments.
12. They often choose to travel a lot for work, to play a lot of sport, or be involved in many projects to create distance.
The most common reasons for this are the abusive, hurtful, unexpected and threatening treatment that was lashed onto him during his early years. This caused him to feel out of control. As an unconscious defence/survival mechanism, he blocks, avoids or pushes away the opportunity to experience a genuine loving relationship because he did not experience this when he was younger, and does not know HOW to feel safe and feel deep love at the same time.
my point is...I am willing to bet cold, hard cash that his commtiment phobia predated the phantom ex and that he is just bull shitting himself that she is the reason he can't be with anyone else. That's rubbish! He is just a man who can't love - and yes - they do exist and only extensie therapy and a strong desire to change can do anything about it. Don't take it personally and move on. He will never, ever change and it has nothing to do with you
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