Just devastated

[pumpkinmoon1]

I have been with my boyfriend for six months. Minor issues about time spent together and effort (or lack of) seemingly put into the relationship from his side. Major issues being that we wanted different things, I want to get married one day and have a child, he doesn't. Another major issues is him alluding to the fact that he was not over his ex after being apart for over 10 years.

We met and clicked, it was great. He told me that he had 'relationships' in the last 10 years, but kept it casual, was always upfront about lettig them know this and the fact that it wasn't going to go anywhere. I should have ran away then, but I stayed. Why? Because he said I was different and he wanted more. He wanted to be exclusive after 2 weeks or datng and soon after wated to label us as in a proper relationship. He did a good job of making me feel wanted and speicla and 'different'. But time went on and things played on my mind.

At 6 months, I still had not met his family. He neevr really told anyone about me unless they found out of their own accord eg saw us together.

Last weekend was a turning point. We were laying in bed talking on a Sunday morning, and he said that he had to go, he always did this on a Sunday. He said that he had to take a keyboard to his parents for his neice as she was having lessons and wanted to practice. So I was a little dissaponted. Not about the fact that he had to deliver the keyboard, but about the fact that I was just sick and tired of being left alone every Sunday afternoon when we could have been doing things as a couple like most normal people. So he thought that I thought he was making excuses to leave. He asked me if I wanted to go with him. This was a first. I thought that we were actually moving forward. I asked him what he meant and said that I bet his parents didn't even know he had a gf, and he said 'nope', but I could wait in the car. I was gutted. Gutted that after 6 months, I wasn't importaant enough to even be mentioned.

Fast forward to this weekend. Sunday again, we wake up and he says he has to go soon. To pick p a TV with his dad and watched the football and rugby AGAIN. I was calm and said that we need to have a talk about this Sunday afternoon stuff and that it would just be nice to do syuff as a couple on weekends. He mentioned the times he saw me in the week (Tuesday and Thursday evenings for about 4 hours each) and I said I understood that but we can't really do anything in the week as we have work the next day, and weekends are better. He then said that maybe hes just not a good boyfried, and that he isn't relationship material. I told him that he could be if he wanted to be.

He then said that maybe because he has been single so long he is jst stuck in his ways and he's used to doing what he wanted. I really can't remember what was said next but we got to talking about the 'casual' relationships he had in the last 10 years becasue he said that the longest they lasted would be about 3 months. I asked who would end them and he said he would for the most part. I asked why and he said that when he tells me I will probably not want to see him again. What I heard next killed me and I am beginning to shake even as I type this. He said that as he was still living in the past as far as his ex of over 10 years was concerned and always had the hope that they would get back together so when she would contact him out of the blue, he would go meet her and that would be how these relationshps ended. He then went onto say that he should have been more honest with me and that he was still in love with his ex, head over heels in love in fact. So I said that he basically fed me a load of bullshit all these months and despite claiming to 'like' me more than these casuals and that I was different to him, he afforded them more decency as he was up front with them. He said this wasnt the case. I asked if he had been texting her behind my back. He said he hadn't but text her at Christmas and New Year but she didn't reply. I asked him if she was with someone and he said she was. I asked him how he knew but he wouldn't tell me. I asked him if she was married (she's 12 years older than him so 52), he didn't say no, but just repeated she is with someone. SO I think she is married and I think she was when she was with him because he absolutely refuses to talk about it. He said that he wouldn't get into her personal life because she has done nothing wrong, so yes, I definitely think she is married. I asked how they broke up but he wouldn't tell me, he knows my views on people who cheat.

So then he said that I'm sure you have a question in your mind. I asked what he meant by this a little while after. He said I was hoping to avoid that, but went on to say that I probably have the question that if she were to text him now while he's still in a relationship with me, would he go meet her, and then he said he would. As if heaving that he was still head over heels in love with her wasn't enough.

Before he left, he started crying and begged me to let him come back later to talk. I couldn't even answer him but hugged him when I could see the tears dripping from his face. He said that he didn't want to lose me but said he knows how stupid that must sound to me. He text me a little later and came back. I couldn't even speak or look at him. He brought cans of alcohol with him which he sometiems does as we usually have a can or two in front of the TV. He asked if I wanted one and I said I didn't, but said he could have one if he wanted, so he did. Then he sat on the sofa next to me put his hand on my leg in an affectionate way and proceeded to make small talk about what was on TV as IF NOTHING HAD HAPPENED?

We didn't talk. I was so so upset and we just hugged for hours and cried. He said that I was so beautiful and could have any man I wanted but I ended up with a fucking idiot like him. He said he was so so sorry and that he was a massive dick for all of this and that it is all his fault. I cried that much and got so worked up I made myself sick. We eneded up falling asleep. I was exhausted from crying all day and not being able to eat anything.

We woke up and he had to leave as he had work the next morning. He usually comes over on a Tuesday and before he left he was hugging me and asked to come over Tuesday but he would understand if I didn't want to see him. I couldn't answer. Eventually I said that it's not like I don't want to see him, then he finsihed the sentence and said, but you think might be best not to and I agreed. He told me to think about it and to let him know. He hugged me again by the door before leaving and said that I mean so much to him. It did not help to hear such things, it just hurt more. When he got home he text me as he usually does and said that he was back home,and that he hopes I sleep well an that he wished he could be with me and cuddle me in his arms all night. I replied and told him that I hoped he sleeps well. He then text me this morning saying, 'Morning beautiful girl. Hope you slept well and that you're feeling ok today. I'm still feeling a bit tired and could do with going back to bed'. I haven't answered. I don't know how to respond to that. How a I meant to feel ok today? I have had barely any sleep. I haven't eaten. I am still in my pajamas, I had to take the day off work because I just couldn't face it. How does he expect me to feel ok? Does he not remember what he said to me yesterday? I know he doesn't want this to be over, but how could he think I could possibly stay with him? How could I let him come here Tuesday (like usual) and just be able to carry on? I'll be perfectly honest, I don't want it over either but I really have no choice. Even if he cheated on me, they may somehow be a way around that, but there is no way around the fact that he is still in love with his ex, and after 10 years+ that is never going to change. How can someone still be in love with someone when they broke up that long ago? nd wich someone they haven't seen for over two years.

I don't know how to proceed. I am a total mess.

[Cleensheetsandbedding]

Hi op, yeah he sounds really messed up but really you should be asking yourself why you just didn't six months cultivating something with a man who continuously shown you he wasn't serious.

After your post where you said your weight dropped to six stone and you stared at a wall for four months - maybe you should have had councilling to why you had such an extreme reaction and clearly your dick head radar isn't working properly.

Don't focus on why this bloke did this - focus on why you allowed it.

Take time to help yourself op

[var123]

To all those who are saying that the non-introducing thing is a red flag, maybe you are right. However, it was only a red flag in the sense that it was a warning of a potential problem not that it was a clear signal that there was a major flaw.

DH kept me a secret for the first 6 months of our relationship. I think some of his friends knew he had a GF but I met no one. We've been together for nearly 20 years now. I know now that he wasn't hiding anything from me. He just did it because everyone was settled already in a relationship and they were all asking him over and over when he was going to find someone. So, when he met me he wanted time to be sure that I was going to be long term before he started introducing me around.

Come to think of it, DB, who also didn't meet his future wife until his 30s, also kept having met her to himself for about six months until he was sure that he'd found the one. He just didn't want to have to talk about breakups etc with all of us who'd been happily settled for years.

Saying all that though, I didn't like it at the time when DH did it to me. I did wonder why. So, I can understand how the OP feels.

OP - If you still have that text hanging over you. Or you still haven't worked out what to do with his stuff. The answer is do whatever feels best for you so that when you look back 5 years later you feel like its a completely closed chapter and you don't regret saying/ doing / not saying / not doing anything. But do bring it to an end asap.

[Oysterbabe]

Why did you persist with this guy when you want marriage and kids? It should have ended right there. I think you need to work on your self esteem and realise that you deserve so much more.

[pinkcan]

Op you poor thing.

As you have pointed out yourself, there are so many things that are not right here. Problems at this early stage will multiply.

He sounds like he wants comfort from you, using you like a sort of hot water bottle in bed. And Companionship - someone to watch TV with. He isn't actually in love with you, you are nice. This is his problem and you need to not let it mess up your life. Get rid right away and make sure not to let him waste any more of your life

[tingon]

As a previous poster pointed out, you could well become very desirable to him if you dump him and at 34 you do not want to be wasting any more time on this idiot, time that could be better spent meeting someone who also wants a family.

Please be very careful if he suddenly starts offering you the things you really want.

[tingon]

This is probably totally unrelated, but causing a problem just before Valentine's Day can sometimes mean that there is someone else in their life that they want to keep that particular day free for. Then a week later they're back wanting to see you again, be careful OP, what he tells you about himself isn't backed up by anyone else and he's obviously compartmentalised his life.

[tkndnv]

I was in your boyfriend's position. Still hugely attached to my ex not after 10 years though . If he'd called I came running and lived in hope we'd get back together. I dated other people and was always up front with them, telling them how much I loved my ex. In my mind that made it OK because they knew where they stood. However now I can see it was a really shitty thing to do and I hurt some people in the process.

I think I was just so hung up on my ex I couldn't see the wood for the trees. I am not excusing your boyfriend's behaviour, and you have every right to feel devastated, but I do understand it.

[var123]

pumpkinmoon1 has not replied since 7pm last night. Unfortunately, for her, I think she may have gone back to the BF.

Worse, though is that if she has, i am certain she'll be back, and the next time she'll really be kicking herself and in a much worse emotional state than she was yesterday.

[pumpkinmoon1]

heavysabre - A lot of that does sound a lot like him. I am not sure what she did to him. He has said that he was the one who screwed it up and that he didn't treat her well enough. He didn't play sport, but was obsessed with the football to the point where he would watch it almost every weekend if it was on TV. I had many conversations with him about this. He would rather watch that than spend any quality time with me on weekdends really.

[PeppermintPasty]

When I read it I thought he was testing you out, doing a number on you OP, to see how far he could push you. It really reeks to me of that, -upsetting you so greatly, melodrama, tears, telling you he's an idiot, bigging you up whilst simultaneously telling you (in effect) that you'll never match up to this ex.

Basically, I summarise it as him wanting you on a string with minimal effort from him, and this is the first chapter in his doing that. That's how it comes across to me. Not a nice man. You deserve better.

[pumpkinmoon1]

bjrce - Thanks for that. It does seem to feel that way. Basically made me feel nowhere near good enough to ever even match up - although I know he found it difficult to get the words out. It wasn't so much that he said he was still head over heels in love with her, it was the bit that came next, where he said that if she text him and he was still with me, he would basically go running and drop me in a fucking heartbeat. That has been the most difficult thing to hear in all of this, but on the flip side, I am glad he said it, because those are the words I cling to when I feel weak. Yesterday he really ramped up the nicey nice on the text messaging, calling me his beautiful girl and pet namesz that we used, putting kisses on vertain messages when he would only put one on a goodnight message in the past. Last night he was trying to make small talk asking me what I was watching on TV, telling me what he was watching, and when I wasn't really engaging him, he said, 'I'm missing you little one'. That's another thing he would call me.

I love this bit of your message bjrce - What kind of an ejjit pines for someone after 10years, still texting her at Xmas and new year ( not getting a reply, funny that!)
Then whines on about it to the new gf.
He's either not right in the head, an arsehole or not v bright. Or perhaps all of the above.
Do yourself a favour op and dump him promptly. I guarantee it won't take you 6 months to get over him. --- You're right. What sort of IDIOT would spend 10+ years pining after someone who doesn't fucking want him? It's completely ridiculous. I don't think he can be right in the head. How could he think after telling me that he would fucking drop me like a hot potato if she came running, that I would carry on in this relationship. The way he is carrying on, it doesn't seem that in his mind, he has completely obliterated what I thought was a real, proper relationship for the last 6 months. It seems more likely that he doesn't realise the enormity of this and the pain he has caused me because in his mind, it has never been a real relationship. Hope that makes sense.

[pumpkinmoon1]

I definitely didn't go back to him last night. I just had to lay down in the end because I was exhausted.

I remember talking to him Sunday morning, about the fact that he said I was different to the casuals after him saying he should have been more honest. I told him that he was up front with them but was not with me. I asked why he told them it wasn't going to go anywhere and that he didn't want anything serious yeta, he told me basically the exact opposite. His answer was, he wanted it to work out with me. What the hell does that mean? Work out? Doesn't work out mean staying with someone and spending your life with them? And how the hell in his mind could he have wanted it to work out when he knew damn well he was still in love with her? Maybe he thought he could, and thought it could be different. Maybe he tried but in the end his feelings for her just wouldn't go and he just couldn't do it.

[pumpkinmoon1]

peppermintpasty - At times it did feel like he was trying to push me to end it by being a crap boyfriend, or at the least push me to see how much he could get away with.

[var123]

He's not in love with her, OP. That's simply impossible. He's simply obsessed with the idea of her which is not the same thing.

I don't know if you thought that you were in love with him. But, now that you know him a whole lot better than you did last week, you no longer think you love him, do you?

So, like someone said upthread, just be glad that its only 6 months that you wasted on him. Its time to move on.

Being on your own is better than being in that sort of pseudo-relationship and there are decent, normal men out there who want to marry and have children. So, if that's what you want too, then you need to start looking because you will never have it with him (he's too screwed up to manage a normal relationship, as you now know).

[pumpkinmoon1]

That's more what I think too. It's become an obsession. To love someone I think you have to be with them, spend time with them bla bla bla. If she came back to him, I doub't it would work out. They may have had brief meetings over the last 10 years, but in 10 years people change. They might not even get on now if they were to get back together.

I don't know if I loved him, I know that sounds silly because people say that when you love somoene you just know. I think I could have, but never really allowed myself to get that far emotionally, I think this was subconscious on my part. I know I could have though, and I would have by now if he was as invested in the relationship as I was and there wasn't someone else on his mind all the time. He has definitely gone down in my estimations. I thought he was wonderful, honest, caring the lot. Little did I know I was being taken for a mug. He was the first person in a very long time that I actually wanted to be with and had those sorts of feelings for.

[pumpkinmoon1]

That was confusing me too. He didn't say he loved me, just always used to say that he liked me a lot. When it started approaching 6 months thic also started playing on my mind. Most people in relationships wout have said it by the 6 month mark surely.

[Cleensheetsandbedding]

pumkin if you didn't love him why are you so devastated?

I think you deep down you knew he wasn't going to feel the same about you and you still allowed yourself to be taken along for the ride. It's that that needs looking at not why this guy is tied up with ghosts of his past.

Are you going to draw a line under this and move forward? (With out him)

[pumpkinmoon1]

I suppose I wouldn't be this devastated if I didn't. There were many times when I was sure I did. Maybe I was just kidding myself that I didn't. I would have done absolutely anything for him yet rather than have me, he not only prefer to have someone else, but rather have something that he can't even have.

[var123]

It sounds like you are in love with the idea of being in a long term relationship, and you just made him the focus of that. There's nothing wrong with wanting to do that of course - its natural and a normal part of most people's lives, but it does seem to frighten a lot of men off if you spell it out up front (I am sure you didn't)

You need to just forget about trying to solve him. His behaviour is irrational, so no amount of thinking about it will make it rational. You'll just drive yourself crazy looking for meaning where there is none!

The OW is just that - another woman. He doesn't mean that much to her, maybe she wasn't married and just wasn't bothered about being in a relationship. Maybe he came on too strong and it turned her off?? Whatever the reason that they broke up, however flawed he is, all that counts is that you know what you want and you get yourself into a frame of mind that you are ready for it.

To put it bluntly, neurotic and needy will not get you a man who wants to stay with you for the rest of his life and be the father of your children. At best it will attract another user

[lostinmiddlemarch]

FWIW, I don't think it sounds like you actually loved him. Felt attached, growing towards love - yes.

[pumpkinmoon1]

I certainly haven't displayed any neurotic behaviour. I think I just couldn't/wouldn't allow myself to actually feel it.

He just can't be real. He asked me how I was this morning. Instead of skirting around it and not answering the question, I told him I was just sad. He has just replied telling me about his day and how hectic it has been...and then said, I'm really sorry you feel sad, you shouldn't have to feel down because of me.

Then in his next text, he asked to come down later? is he right in the head?

[Livingforlove]

Well he obviously wants to carry on as before. It suits him to have you where he wants you. And he doesn't have to feel guilty any more as he has told you the truth about her.

[pumpkinmoon1]

It seems that way. What do I say? I can't be horrible and just tell him to fuck off but I need to tell him no.

[Cleensheetsandbedding]

You could be horrible - you have every right to be, but if you don't want to don't.

All you need to say is 'this isn't working for me, please don't contact me again'

Then ignore any begging or attempts to reel you back in.

You really need to work on you right now. Don't feel sorry for this guy. He would drop you like a hot potato if his ex turned her head.

Your worth more than someone's second choice or fill in.