Just devastated

[pumpkinmoon1]

I have been with my boyfriend for six months. Minor issues about time spent together and effort (or lack of) seemingly put into the relationship from his side. Major issues being that we wanted different things, I want to get married one day and have a child, he doesn't. Another major issues is him alluding to the fact that he was not over his ex after being apart for over 10 years.

We met and clicked, it was great. He told me that he had 'relationships' in the last 10 years, but kept it casual, was always upfront about lettig them know this and the fact that it wasn't going to go anywhere. I should have ran away then, but I stayed. Why? Because he said I was different and he wanted more. He wanted to be exclusive after 2 weeks or datng and soon after wated to label us as in a proper relationship. He did a good job of making me feel wanted and speicla and 'different'. But time went on and things played on my mind.

At 6 months, I still had not met his family. He neevr really told anyone about me unless they found out of their own accord eg saw us together.

Last weekend was a turning point. We were laying in bed talking on a Sunday morning, and he said that he had to go, he always did this on a Sunday. He said that he had to take a keyboard to his parents for his neice as she was having lessons and wanted to practice. So I was a little dissaponted. Not about the fact that he had to deliver the keyboard, but about the fact that I was just sick and tired of being left alone every Sunday afternoon when we could have been doing things as a couple like most normal people. So he thought that I thought he was making excuses to leave. He asked me if I wanted to go with him. This was a first. I thought that we were actually moving forward. I asked him what he meant and said that I bet his parents didn't even know he had a gf, and he said 'nope', but I could wait in the car. I was gutted. Gutted that after 6 months, I wasn't importaant enough to even be mentioned.

Fast forward to this weekend. Sunday again, we wake up and he says he has to go soon. To pick p a TV with his dad and watched the football and rugby AGAIN. I was calm and said that we need to have a talk about this Sunday afternoon stuff and that it would just be nice to do syuff as a couple on weekends. He mentioned the times he saw me in the week (Tuesday and Thursday evenings for about 4 hours each) and I said I understood that but we can't really do anything in the week as we have work the next day, and weekends are better. He then said that maybe hes just not a good boyfried, and that he isn't relationship material. I told him that he could be if he wanted to be.

He then said that maybe because he has been single so long he is jst stuck in his ways and he's used to doing what he wanted. I really can't remember what was said next but we got to talking about the 'casual' relationships he had in the last 10 years becasue he said that the longest they lasted would be about 3 months. I asked who would end them and he said he would for the most part. I asked why and he said that when he tells me I will probably not want to see him again. What I heard next killed me and I am beginning to shake even as I type this. He said that as he was still living in the past as far as his ex of over 10 years was concerned and always had the hope that they would get back together so when she would contact him out of the blue, he would go meet her and that would be how these relationshps ended. He then went onto say that he should have been more honest with me and that he was still in love with his ex, head over heels in love in fact. So I said that he basically fed me a load of bullshit all these months and despite claiming to 'like' me more than these casuals and that I was different to him, he afforded them more decency as he was up front with them. He said this wasnt the case. I asked if he had been texting her behind my back. He said he hadn't but text her at Christmas and New Year but she didn't reply. I asked him if she was with someone and he said she was. I asked him how he knew but he wouldn't tell me. I asked him if she was married (she's 12 years older than him so 52), he didn't say no, but just repeated she is with someone. SO I think she is married and I think she was when she was with him because he absolutely refuses to talk about it. He said that he wouldn't get into her personal life because she has done nothing wrong, so yes, I definitely think she is married. I asked how they broke up but he wouldn't tell me, he knows my views on people who cheat.

So then he said that I'm sure you have a question in your mind. I asked what he meant by this a little while after. He said I was hoping to avoid that, but went on to say that I probably have the question that if she were to text him now while he's still in a relationship with me, would he go meet her, and then he said he would. As if heaving that he was still head over heels in love with her wasn't enough.

Before he left, he started crying and begged me to let him come back later to talk. I couldn't even answer him but hugged him when I could see the tears dripping from his face. He said that he didn't want to lose me but said he knows how stupid that must sound to me. He text me a little later and came back. I couldn't even speak or look at him. He brought cans of alcohol with him which he sometiems does as we usually have a can or two in front of the TV. He asked if I wanted one and I said I didn't, but said he could have one if he wanted, so he did. Then he sat on the sofa next to me put his hand on my leg in an affectionate way and proceeded to make small talk about what was on TV as IF NOTHING HAD HAPPENED?

We didn't talk. I was so so upset and we just hugged for hours and cried. He said that I was so beautiful and could have any man I wanted but I ended up with a fucking idiot like him. He said he was so so sorry and that he was a massive dick for all of this and that it is all his fault. I cried that much and got so worked up I made myself sick. We eneded up falling asleep. I was exhausted from crying all day and not being able to eat anything.

We woke up and he had to leave as he had work the next morning. He usually comes over on a Tuesday and before he left he was hugging me and asked to come over Tuesday but he would understand if I didn't want to see him. I couldn't answer. Eventually I said that it's not like I don't want to see him, then he finsihed the sentence and said, but you think might be best not to and I agreed. He told me to think about it and to let him know. He hugged me again by the door before leaving and said that I mean so much to him. It did not help to hear such things, it just hurt more. When he got home he text me as he usually does and said that he was back home,and that he hopes I sleep well an that he wished he could be with me and cuddle me in his arms all night. I replied and told him that I hoped he sleeps well. He then text me this morning saying, 'Morning beautiful girl. Hope you slept well and that you're feeling ok today. I'm still feeling a bit tired and could do with going back to bed'. I haven't answered. I don't know how to respond to that. How a I meant to feel ok today? I have had barely any sleep. I haven't eaten. I am still in my pajamas, I had to take the day off work because I just couldn't face it. How does he expect me to feel ok? Does he not remember what he said to me yesterday? I know he doesn't want this to be over, but how could he think I could possibly stay with him? How could I let him come here Tuesday (like usual) and just be able to carry on? I'll be perfectly honest, I don't want it over either but I really have no choice. Even if he cheated on me, they may somehow be a way around that, but there is no way around the fact that he is still in love with his ex, and after 10 years+ that is never going to change. How can someone still be in love with someone when they broke up that long ago? nd wich someone they haven't seen for over two years.

I don't know how to proceed. I am a total mess.

I know I won't tingon. That's what I have to focus on. I know it was only 6 months, and that's not a long time at all but I really did feel so much for him. I would get butterflies when he pulled up outside. When he was here we would be stuck together like glue, we would even hug for minutes even if he was just popping to the shop. He used to joke that anyone would think he was leaving for war. He never once gave me any reason to believe that he didn't feel the same, it even felt like he did. He must have been quite the actor.

I've also changed his name in my phone to he will drop you for her, head over heels in love with her.

How are you going to do it? Face to face, phone call or text?

I'd suggest, given how hard it has been to get to this point, you send a text.

Tell me, is he a generous and caring friend to others? If you don't know then Do you see him treat people well. (shop assistants, bar staff, or just generally people who are of no use to him)

Yeah he does seem to treat people well in general. Thanks for still being there with me var.

I am toying with two ideas. To send him a text to tell him that this is going around in circles, and he will obviously be needing his jacket soon so let me know when and I will out it outside ready for him to collect a few minutes before he arrives.

My other option... For some reason I need to get some stuff off my chest. So to write him an email telling him what his actions have meant, in the email tell him that it is the end and to let me know about the jacket but I do not want a response from the email. Then send him a text telling him I have sent him an email.

I was so angry and now it just seems harder. And I know I can't be in contact anymore with him. You know, there were times I felt he was being off, I asked him time and time again if everything was OK and he said it was time and time again. Why?

I have a male friend who u have been close friends with for about 12 years. He asked me about him and said that he thinks this friend liked me. I said years ago he did ask be for something more but I wasn't interested as I didn't see him like that at all and I don't. He said that was OK. I asked what he would do if I did or had liked him but not as much as him. He said he would end it if I liked him. So why then did he not give me the option of making that same decision when not only does he like his ex he still loves her!

Is it because he is very insecure and whoever he is with at the time needs to have their attention 100% focused on him even though he doesn't give the same in return?

I also asked him before if when he asked me to be exclusive, what he would have done if I said I didn't want to be exclusive and if I wanted a casual relationship. He said he wouldn't have bothered!

I think he doesn't understand the concept of mutuality in a relationship. He thinks that what he wants is ultra-important not just to himself but to his girlfriend. However, when the other person wants something it's just a bit quaint to observe but not really relevant. "Oh, that's interesting it's as if she has thoughts and feelings, just like me "

He wanted exclusivity but what that meant to him that you devote yourself to him, not each to the other.

The hugs are a bit odd. You weren't even in love with one another and it's a bit like love-bombing which you might briefly do when a relationship has turned very serious but the couple are still a bit starry eyed about each other.

Let's be honest, you don't need to open your heart to him about why it's over and how he made you feel. You maybe want to do it, but you should ask yourself what it will achieve? You might think it will bring closure but I can tell you that there is nothing that he could respond with that will make you feel better.
Write it down on a word document. Edit and re-edit it. But don't send it.

I wouldn't allow yourself to feel sorry for him. I can not see much evidence that he lacks self confidence. From everything you describe i would be inclined to believe that he loves himself very much.

He certainly arranges his life to please himself, and has no problem laying down the law for you whilst being simultaneously extremely protective of his freedom to do as he pleases.

In fact, it is beginning to appear that there are only two things he hasn't been able to get his own way about: getting the OW to wait until she was dismissed and having you in his pocket from tomorrow onwards. It will be interesting to see how desire able you suddenly become once he realises that he doesn't hold all the cards any more.

You'd be a fool to go back to him though. He'd punish you for dumping him and make sure you never felt so in control again. And that's why you shouldn't send that letter; it would give him all the knowledge he needed to know which lies he needs to say to talk you round. Or he will just use it to mock you to his friends under a sort of "she was too needy right from the beginning and look this email proves that I have had a lucky escape."

Was totally going to say the same as var, write the email for yourself, get it out re read why you felt so angry and upset then delete and send a text, the email will mean nothing to him I promise it won't and giving him the sastisfaction of being smug about it please don't! I promise you will not feel better in the long run and it won't make him realise what a cock he has been or suddenly think wow I really did treat pumpkin badly
Text what you put previously short sweet and to the point

I agree with the others, don't send it. He won't understand it, he will twist and misinterpret it. He won't have any response except for the same kind of rubbish he is already spouting. You'll look back and wish you had never sent it, making yourself vulnerable and giving him what he wants - attention and reinforcement of his belief that he must be the focus of your tortured thoughts.

I would write something that you will not send. Maybe write a pretend letter to him, to yourself, or just notes. Like draft one, raw feelings. Draft two, letter to yourself observing that you were upset in the first draft, but now that you know xyz .....about this guy, you can see what was going on and how he manipulated those feelings.

He is just all about himself. So give him what he really deserves. A short, non-tortured text,ending it categorically with no further discussion. No emotion. He'll hate that because he finds your heartbreak flattering, and possibly a way to keep stringing you along. He is out of luck because you know you are worth so much more than that. This break up is you deciding he isn't up to scratch, not you being left bereft. Sure, you are sad to lose the guy you thought you were dating, but the reality of the man, not so much.

If, and I hope not but still, if you give any reasons, do not say 'you hurt me because...', or 'if you hadn't done this things could have been great'. Don,t let him have another miss lonely hearts to add to his list of 'casuals' who adored him but were left heartbroken. Don't be at all positive about him now or in the past, or indicate any emotion now or then. Just frame it as his failings that were always present, the latest stuff was a ridiculous twist, and none of it makes him seem attractive. Your expectations of a partner, his failure to meet them.

Remember that he really can't meet them, not just because he clearly doesn't want to, but because he actually hasn't got it in him anyway. He cares so little about what you want he is prepared to let you waste time on him knowing he'll never give them to you.

Hope you meet someone lovely with nicer, less misogynistic friends, who Includes you in his life, looks after you, wants the things you want, and makes it clear he is going nowhere because the woman he loves is you. I think you will meet that person, especially if you remember that's what you are worth.

As so many people have been saying for 5 pages, a short text ending it, no reason needed, then block and delete. You're the one dragging this out and creating more hurt for yourself.

Which phone have you got? One of us will look up how to block a number on it for you and post the instructions.

If the email is going to read anything like your posts here, I beg you and beg you please don't send it. What will happen is that he will see how hurt and desperate you are, and will use that to get back in while promising you nothing.

I know exactly how you feel because I used to approach relationships in the same all or nothing way. All I did was attract losers to whom the smell of my desperation was as water to a thirsting man. Because they knew that my self-esteem was so fucked I would put up with anything.

So text him to say it is over and he should not contact you again. Then hi thee to the Royal Mail and post him his jacket. You work so I assume you can afford the postage.

Then come back here and indulge yourself over him as much as you want. Just make sure you don't see or text him again. It is the only way you will get over this. Then you need to stop seeing men for at least a year while you get counselling to get to the bottom of why you are so all or nothing in relationships.

Clinging to the familiar just buys you comfort at tomorrow's expense.

Don't send an email, for goodness sake!

Just ignore him.

OP please get rid of this man. You need to be brave and send him a clear message that it's over.

All this angst and stress isn't good for you. Once he's told you can begin to heal. Be strong!!

Send him a text to tell him you've sent him an email? Pmsl are you serious?! I st how desperate do you want to come across?

I've lost patience now. You're determined to make as much a fool of yourself as possible. You're not listening to a word anyone says and despite your protestations you'd take him back - pathetically gratefully - tomorrow. Don't say you wouldn't; you're utterly obsessed with his every thought and action.

*just how desperate.

Goodness me, OP, you're loving this aren't you? The drama of it is just ridiculous.

Why not have a read of the relationships board to see how some women are really suffering?

A bit harsh! We can only play the hands we are dealt, and reality is what's relative to ourselves, not others.

That being said, they are right to tell you to get over this hump fast. There is no reason for, or benefit to be had, in inviting a discussion from him. You will only increase the supposed complexity of a situation that is actually remarkably straight forwards.

You want to break up and not discuss it. Simple as that.

NOOOOO!! Please don't e-mail him!!! You are showing him how much he means to you, that you are thinking of him loads and he will take advantage of it! He will use all the reasons you have written to tell you "yes, I have been x, y, z and you deserve better" as he has been doing every single day. Don't show him that he is that important!! Why are you explaining how you are feeling if it is not for actually WANTING HIM to reply and reclaim you?? He is not worth it!! Let him feel unimportant. NOT out of punishment but so that he will get off your back. Even anger shows a great deal of emotional investment which his ego doesn't deserve.

TEXT & BLOCK.

If you HAVE TO say something in your text just say that you are looking for different things but even this might give him more reasons to keep texting to question it in order to justify himself, like the interrogation you had to endure about your ex/his friend when you were vulnerable. So it's better to say nothing. No more justifications to him when you know absolutely NOTHING about him, have no pictures, are no part of him family. No more bullying and interrogations!!

I guarantee that no poster here has been a trend setter copied by others when they all tell you to not engage and make it as simple as possible by not feeding his drama or replying to his "you are so nice, you deserve better" texts only designed to make you feel sorry for HIM and drag you back to HIM.

Call me selfish, but I wouldn't settle for no validation, be it actual, practical emotional, verbal, physical, call it whatever you want! That's standard and you should demand it (not by him).

Just text him "I'm bored by you, goodbye"

(It is the truth after all)

Did you hear from him yesterday pumpkin? Have you pulled the plug?

I reckon he turned up at her door, red rose between his teeth, and she just melted in his arms.

This has been painful to read, OP please take time out to realise you are worth more than this