Just devastated

[pumpkinmoon1]

I have been with my boyfriend for six months. Minor issues about time spent together and effort (or lack of) seemingly put into the relationship from his side. Major issues being that we wanted different things, I want to get married one day and have a child, he doesn't. Another major issues is him alluding to the fact that he was not over his ex after being apart for over 10 years.

We met and clicked, it was great. He told me that he had 'relationships' in the last 10 years, but kept it casual, was always upfront about lettig them know this and the fact that it wasn't going to go anywhere. I should have ran away then, but I stayed. Why? Because he said I was different and he wanted more. He wanted to be exclusive after 2 weeks or datng and soon after wated to label us as in a proper relationship. He did a good job of making me feel wanted and speicla and 'different'. But time went on and things played on my mind.

At 6 months, I still had not met his family. He neevr really told anyone about me unless they found out of their own accord eg saw us together.

Last weekend was a turning point. We were laying in bed talking on a Sunday morning, and he said that he had to go, he always did this on a Sunday. He said that he had to take a keyboard to his parents for his neice as she was having lessons and wanted to practice. So I was a little dissaponted. Not about the fact that he had to deliver the keyboard, but about the fact that I was just sick and tired of being left alone every Sunday afternoon when we could have been doing things as a couple like most normal people. So he thought that I thought he was making excuses to leave. He asked me if I wanted to go with him. This was a first. I thought that we were actually moving forward. I asked him what he meant and said that I bet his parents didn't even know he had a gf, and he said 'nope', but I could wait in the car. I was gutted. Gutted that after 6 months, I wasn't importaant enough to even be mentioned.

Fast forward to this weekend. Sunday again, we wake up and he says he has to go soon. To pick p a TV with his dad and watched the football and rugby AGAIN. I was calm and said that we need to have a talk about this Sunday afternoon stuff and that it would just be nice to do syuff as a couple on weekends. He mentioned the times he saw me in the week (Tuesday and Thursday evenings for about 4 hours each) and I said I understood that but we can't really do anything in the week as we have work the next day, and weekends are better. He then said that maybe hes just not a good boyfried, and that he isn't relationship material. I told him that he could be if he wanted to be.

He then said that maybe because he has been single so long he is jst stuck in his ways and he's used to doing what he wanted. I really can't remember what was said next but we got to talking about the 'casual' relationships he had in the last 10 years becasue he said that the longest they lasted would be about 3 months. I asked who would end them and he said he would for the most part. I asked why and he said that when he tells me I will probably not want to see him again. What I heard next killed me and I am beginning to shake even as I type this. He said that as he was still living in the past as far as his ex of over 10 years was concerned and always had the hope that they would get back together so when she would contact him out of the blue, he would go meet her and that would be how these relationshps ended. He then went onto say that he should have been more honest with me and that he was still in love with his ex, head over heels in love in fact. So I said that he basically fed me a load of bullshit all these months and despite claiming to 'like' me more than these casuals and that I was different to him, he afforded them more decency as he was up front with them. He said this wasnt the case. I asked if he had been texting her behind my back. He said he hadn't but text her at Christmas and New Year but she didn't reply. I asked him if she was with someone and he said she was. I asked him how he knew but he wouldn't tell me. I asked him if she was married (she's 12 years older than him so 52), he didn't say no, but just repeated she is with someone. SO I think she is married and I think she was when she was with him because he absolutely refuses to talk about it. He said that he wouldn't get into her personal life because she has done nothing wrong, so yes, I definitely think she is married. I asked how they broke up but he wouldn't tell me, he knows my views on people who cheat.

So then he said that I'm sure you have a question in your mind. I asked what he meant by this a little while after. He said I was hoping to avoid that, but went on to say that I probably have the question that if she were to text him now while he's still in a relationship with me, would he go meet her, and then he said he would. As if heaving that he was still head over heels in love with her wasn't enough.

Before he left, he started crying and begged me to let him come back later to talk. I couldn't even answer him but hugged him when I could see the tears dripping from his face. He said that he didn't want to lose me but said he knows how stupid that must sound to me. He text me a little later and came back. I couldn't even speak or look at him. He brought cans of alcohol with him which he sometiems does as we usually have a can or two in front of the TV. He asked if I wanted one and I said I didn't, but said he could have one if he wanted, so he did. Then he sat on the sofa next to me put his hand on my leg in an affectionate way and proceeded to make small talk about what was on TV as IF NOTHING HAD HAPPENED?

We didn't talk. I was so so upset and we just hugged for hours and cried. He said that I was so beautiful and could have any man I wanted but I ended up with a fucking idiot like him. He said he was so so sorry and that he was a massive dick for all of this and that it is all his fault. I cried that much and got so worked up I made myself sick. We eneded up falling asleep. I was exhausted from crying all day and not being able to eat anything.

We woke up and he had to leave as he had work the next morning. He usually comes over on a Tuesday and before he left he was hugging me and asked to come over Tuesday but he would understand if I didn't want to see him. I couldn't answer. Eventually I said that it's not like I don't want to see him, then he finsihed the sentence and said, but you think might be best not to and I agreed. He told me to think about it and to let him know. He hugged me again by the door before leaving and said that I mean so much to him. It did not help to hear such things, it just hurt more. When he got home he text me as he usually does and said that he was back home,and that he hopes I sleep well an that he wished he could be with me and cuddle me in his arms all night. I replied and told him that I hoped he sleeps well. He then text me this morning saying, 'Morning beautiful girl. Hope you slept well and that you're feeling ok today. I'm still feeling a bit tired and could do with going back to bed'. I haven't answered. I don't know how to respond to that. How a I meant to feel ok today? I have had barely any sleep. I haven't eaten. I am still in my pajamas, I had to take the day off work because I just couldn't face it. How does he expect me to feel ok? Does he not remember what he said to me yesterday? I know he doesn't want this to be over, but how could he think I could possibly stay with him? How could I let him come here Tuesday (like usual) and just be able to carry on? I'll be perfectly honest, I don't want it over either but I really have no choice. Even if he cheated on me, they may somehow be a way around that, but there is no way around the fact that he is still in love with his ex, and after 10 years+ that is never going to change. How can someone still be in love with someone when they broke up that long ago? nd wich someone they haven't seen for over two years.

I don't know how to proceed. I am a total mess.

Give us a time and date when you will tell him its over.
If you don't know then say "don't know".

Will you block him on your phone: yes / no / maybe / don't know (pick one).

Or don't give it to us, but give it to yourself and stick to it.

Exactly!! No-one on here wants to know what he looks like, or how he gave you shit, his other women, your other men , and how he promised you shit. We are here to help you move on. And by the sounds of it, you haven't and aren't willing to.

I totally get why others are saying they don't want to hear about this ridiculous man. We want the OP to get what we all do - that he is a monumental waste of space who deserves no more contemplation, no more brain exertion, no more oxygen.

It's been a mega-brief relationship and it's only been a pseudo relationship on his terms (which are Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturday nights; yes to pancakes and washing my shirts but no to meeting my mum).

But the OP obviously needs this dissection of everything to move forward and get over it. I'd rather she vented here than turning back to him for answers.

OP - I'm very worried that despite everything he did and everything he said that you put up with it all. That you imagined a future with this waste of space who treated you with such disdain.

Please try to give yourself more credit, to value yourself more and to have far higher expectations of a boyfriend. You set the bar waaaay too low with the result that you remained in a frankly absurd 'relationship' with a man who couldn't care less about you apart from to inflate his ego.

Love yourself, respect yourself - and you will find a man who will do the same.

Now bin this idiot with no more delay, block him and MOVE ON.

pumpkinmoon1 - tell us about your DM (if its not too painful). Was she level headed? You felt it was wrong to be asked to demean yourself whilst she was ill. What would she say now do you think if she could send you a message? Would she be disappointed or pleased that you are getting rid?

My DF died whilst I was in a relationship with someone that I now realise was a narcissist. Everyone could see that there was something wrong with him. I could too but it never seemed like the right moment to end it - basically I was always scared of the pain that would come when the BF had gone. There was always an excuse to not do it now, a reason to hope that things would change, even when he laughed in my face about how worthless I was. It was obvious to everyone else that I was wrong about how he'd change, but I kep hoping against hope.

So, DF was extremely ill, then it was terminal and then he died all the time watching me on a path to screwing up my life over someone DF thought was not worth a minute of my life.

Then a year later, I finally got driven to ending the relationship. And it was hard going for a while. But after that, i adjusted my standards for myself and how I let others treat me. In any situation, as a test, I would ask myself what Dad would have said, knowing that he only wanted the best for me. Slowly, I learned to respect myself with the surprising result that the decent men started to be interested (and my career took off and I made some great friends etc., etc.)

I will stick my oar in again. So sorry to hear that var for you. I was with my horrible ex when my beloved dad just dropped dead. He was only 61. Post mortem inconclusive. But oh how I regret the day that I allowed that piece of work a) in the family party at my dad's funeral and b) let him 'pop out' to see a job during the wake aka go and get beer as clearly he was drinking the wine provided far too freely...
I regret all of that. And am just happy that I am with someone completely different. So, OP, stop going on about him, none of us care. We just care that you are actually going to move on to a happier and healthier life!

I wonder if he's turned up?

I think we should let the OP rant on about him.. she's getting it all out of her system on here rather than engaging with him (hopefully)

Pumpkin when ive split up with someone who is more into me than them, it can feel mean and it's a natural instinct to text to make sure they're OK

But just once

Then I'd leave them alone. Because to keep texting would also be mean and quite vain

He will go away if you tell him to and block him. There's no reason to text or meet

Please do this or he will think he can just string you along more. Perhaps a bit like this ex of his?

I also think it's good to for the OP to offload on here. I think it's helping her. Perhaps in the longer term if not right now.

Yes I think so too, it's all the things you'd say to your friend isn't it.

Pumpkin think of us all as your girlfriends sitting round at yours drinking wine and agreeing what a twat he is. Then you need to do something about him. Then, more importantly you could do with a counsellor to help you see you are important and don't need this kind of man in your life

Thanks all. I haven't been ignoring you all I actually went to my friends for a cup of coffee and a chat. Not long got home. It does help getting it all out. Originally I thought that when it was all over I would just send him an email to give him a piece of my mind because how dare he do this to people over and over, but I probably won't. If I ever get the change to speak to him the future though, I'm going to tell him what a prick I think he is! I didn't allow him over. He text back and said he understood. I think I posted the message upthread. I didn't respond then when I was at my friends he sent another sayingThere's a program on bbc 2 about cats and dogs, and whether they really love us. Thought you might be interested, it seems pretty good. I didn't respond. I'm all tucked up in bed now and going to work tomorrow! I will answer all the messages tomorrow. I know I'm a pain in the arse but I really appreciate all of the advice. Thanks for telling me about your dad var, and I am sorry for your loss. I will answer specifically tomorrow xx

Goodnight pumpkin, well done for being so brave xxxx

Thanks all for being nice about my Dad. It was a very long time ago though (he was middle aged when he died). The only reason I told the story was to try to encourage Pumpkin to challenge herself to stand tall and to set herself a benchmark against which she can decide whether something is acceptable or not.

Also, I happen to know exactly what it is to be sucked into a relationship, know its not right, but have such little self-confidence that you fear climbing out, so you minimise and normalise until you completely lose sight of what's unacceptable.

Pumpkin, I was with than man for five years. You've only been with your BF for 6 months. All i can say, is that each year it gets progressively to get away. You lose all sense of yourself and find yourself trying to please someone who will never allow you to please him for more than a moment. Its a really odd thing, they don't like you that much, the more ground you give , the more they despise you but they are beyond furious if you stand up to them. They don't want you but they want to have ownership of you.

You are in luck that you have reached a point where deep down you know he's gone too far. You have a moment of clarity (I think) where you know you need to leave him. I had similar moments and yet I stayed, which made for miserable years and a difficult breakup. Honestly, it will never be as easy again as it is today. Leave him today before he hurts you again tomorrow and then you feel too wounded to have the strength to end it.

var - Beautiful post (0:7:26) with which I fully agree. Took me 14 yrs so you did way better than me. The horrors entailed magnify and multiply with every damnable year, for sure! So sorry about your father.

Fgs he really wants to keep you dangling doesn't he?

If he had an ounce of decency he'd leave you alone.

Fgs he really wants to keep you dangling doesn't he?

I thought it was more a case of the opposit too. The OP hasn't told him it's over.

How are you pumpkin have you managed to ignore today??

Have you ended it today, pumpkinmoon1? Or heard from him again?

Hello all.

Well I went to work today and it wasn't too bad. I am sure I can pull off a whole week next week.

Var - My mother would have told me to get rid of him. She was a strong woman and didn't take any shit, no matter how hurt she was, she would never show it. I am glad I didn't text him in the early days telling him how devastated I was. The best he got from me was that I was just sad, and I suppose that's ok as it was the truth. I have actually thought about my mother in all of this and tried to imagine her encouraging me to give him the boot. Oddly, the other night, I felt really strong, and thought to myself that maybe it's coming from her, I know that sounds silly.

I started laying the groundwork today in work letting people know that it was over. One of my friends at work was talking to me. I didn't tell her much, all I told her was the football, rugby stuff and the fact that he didn't really bother to put me before sport even. She thought that was enough and said I deserved better. I am actually embarrassed to tell anyone in real life what he said to me on Sunday so nobody knows apart from the people on here. Your father sounds like a wonderful man xx

He text me this morning saying that he hoped work goes well, he understands that I don't know what to say to him and he just hopes that he is ot making things worse by texting. That was half 9 this morning. It's funny that he can text that early, when in the weeks previous he wouldn't bother contacting me until sometimes he finsihed work. Guess he just couldn't be bothered. I didn't reply all day, until I finsihed to say that yes I was back in work and it was good.

I am not feeling too strong tonight, maybe because it is starting to really sink in. It's the anger that carries you through in the beginning, maybe the shock too, but I don't feel too great at the moment.

Hang on in there, don't think of him.Start making plans for your brilliant future.

Thanks HazelBite. I am. I try to envisage what I want and realise that I would never have had that with him, and how lovely it will be if/when I actually find it.

You need to tell him. Right now its like that awful period between the death and the funeral. Whilst funerals can be awful, you just won't start to feel better until they are over.

You are right. And I have started thinking about it, and about what I want my last message to say. I am formulating it. I feel I need to say SOMETHING. The fear of not hearing from him again is fading, as the way things are tight now is starting to look a lot worse than just cutting him off. I bet he won't message tonight now that he is at his weekly gathering with his mates for his FRIDAY night. No I'm not sad about that, it's making me feel better.

Can I equire as to what your situation is now var?