DH completely undermined me - how to deal?

[fiestabelle1]

Dd misbehaving at swimming, told several times that if she didnt behave no crisps from cafe afterwards. She continues, so I say right, no crisps. Cue whining going on and on as is her way. She says "ill just ask dad to get them then". I say to Dh dont buy her crisps. He makes a joke of it, cuddles her and then proceeds to buy them for her. Dd then makes a face at me. I was furious...walked out of cafe and bk to car. Dd comes out to car and waves crisps in my face. I am so upaet by this. Dh does little to support me with kids and I feel like an utter fool in front of DD. DH is very big on discipline etc but is actually pretty ineffectual...ie shouty but rarely follows through. Aware this incident is just the final straw but i dont know where to go from here?

Isetan, he has apologised to me, in front of DD and we both spoke to her about her gloating and attitude. Not sure how we have got to this, is the honest answer. I'm thinking about it a lot, and everyone has really helped by asking questions but some I just can't answer. I suppose I feel hugely resentful that the bulk of parenting falls to me. All the " thinking" about it is my responsibility as well and I just feel drained by it all. He can be selfish, and self involved and in a lot of respects wants the good parts of being a parent without being prepared to do the boring, mundane parts. I've become aware recently that I'm therefore becoming more "bad cop" as the discipline bit is left to me.

As long as your H thinks he can placate you with bullshit apologies, this dysfunctional cycle will not only continue but will become more acute the older your DD gets.

Isn't it time to get professional support?

Possibly. I'd like to see how things go over the next few weeks...but if things dont improve its something I will look into.

I have this same problem so often my DH undermining..I try not to let it worry me sometimes I feel it might be the beginning of the end of my relationship but things always calm down with time and then it happens again. I suppose at the end of the day it's only a packet of crisps no need to get so worked up about it (or at least that's what I'd tell myself)

. I suppose I feel hugely resentful that the bulk of parenting falls to me. All the " thinking" about it is my responsibility as well and I just feel drained by it all. He can be selfish, and self involved and in a lot of respects wants the good parts of being a parent without being prepared to do the boring, mundane parts. I've become aware recently that I'm therefore becoming more "bad cop" as the discipline bit is left to me.

And that, right there, is the nub of the problem, I suspect, and why a parenting course you both attend might be very, very helpful. I do most of the "thinking" too, but I have rock solid back up. My own marriage isn't always in perfect shape, but there is no chink (that the kids are aware of) that they can wedge.

Your DH sounds like he richochets from siding with the kids, to being The Big Disciplinarian when fed up with the consequent disrespect. Unsurprising if they then think they'll chance their arm with his being in the mood for some of the former, when you try to apply sanctions.

I think it might be a good idea if you and your DH can agree to always back each other up when parenting decisions are made in front of the kids. If one of you says "no crisps" then thats the decision.
If the other person thinks the decision is too hard/soft, then you can always discuss it later without the kids and then come back with a unified "Mummy/daddy have been thinking about what happened and we have decided that ..."