DH completely undermined me - how to deal?

[fiestabelle1]

Dd misbehaving at swimming, told several times that if she didnt behave no crisps from cafe afterwards. She continues, so I say right, no crisps. Cue whining going on and on as is her way. She says "ill just ask dad to get them then". I say to Dh dont buy her crisps. He makes a joke of it, cuddles her and then proceeds to buy them for her. Dd then makes a face at me. I was furious...walked out of cafe and bk to car. Dd comes out to car and waves crisps in my face. I am so upaet by this. Dh does little to support me with kids and I feel like an utter fool in front of DD. DH is very big on discipline etc but is actually pretty ineffectual...ie shouty but rarely follows through. Aware this incident is just the final straw but i dont know where to go from here?

Why didn't you just taken the crisp off of her? that's what I don't get. As soon as she started waving them around and pulling faces why wasn't another warning and if continued punishment given?

Anyfucker said it all for me in her first post on this thread.

I have similar issues, although DH has pretty much learnt not to go against what I say now because of undermining; but then I end up undermining him when he makes some ridiculous threat that he can't possibly follow through with, on the most spurious grounds.

For e.g. - DS2 tonight, tired and hangry, wanting his dinner but wanted to climb into his highchair himself (yes we still have one, yes he likes it), which he can't because his head doesn't fit in the gap without moving the tray - so DH tried to lift him in and told him if he didn't stop wriggling he could go to bed without any dinner! Mad thing to say - DS2 needed his dinner to settle down.

I know it doesn't help discipline when I do it either - but DH has no concept of appropriate threats/punishments, he can't possibly follow through on them, and I won't do it - so he either needs to learn appropriate responses, or stop altogether!

Sorry fiesta I meant the smug waving the crisps in your face behaviour is the stuff that would send me over the edge and cancelling the swimming lessons.

To be fair though my hatred of indoor swimming pools is fairly well documented so I might just be projecting How about DH takes her on his own in future?

I would definitely have swiped the crisps back off her. Why just stand there and let them both overrule you?

I would have taken crisps off her too. I would be having a big talk with himself if you don't god love you when the teens start.

If I were you I'd go out this afternoon and leave them to it. Give yourself time to calm down and think. I would be livid too.

I would suggest you provide some sort of belated punishment to your DD, not only for the earlier behaviour, but for the lack of respect she showed you afterwards.

Your husband behaved like an utter idiot. He's helping no-one with such behaviour. He sounds like one of those people that if you talk to him about it, he'll make all the right noises but actually do nothing. I would let him take her on his own in future and let him deal with it.

I would have snatched the crisps off her. Because that is another episode of bad behaviour even if it is related to the first lot. Your DH is an arse. Is he receptive to talking this through and finding a way forward?

I also think it is most telling that your DH felt quite entitled to over rule you, and then watch your DD be incredibly rude to you without intervening, and yet you didn't feel able to react.

Some really useful responses, thank you. In hindsight I have no idea why I didnt step in and take the crisps off her..I was furious, in queue etc...but that would have been the best thing to do. I did just feel like why do I fucking bother...I try so hard to do the right thing in raising them and todayjust felt like it was a massive fingers up from DH andh DH. straight

I thought that too Jes. My ex was like this but I didn't feel able to challenge him because of the vicious scene that would have ensued. I couldn't risk the escalation. What might have happened if you'd stood your ground OP?

Your dd still needs a consequence for waving the crisps in your face. Your dh needs to be the one to see this through. Will that happen do you think?

Thinking about it, OP there is no way my dd would ever have dared to treat me like that. Yet you say that your children respect you because you follow through with sanctions.

I suspect there is an awful lot that they get away with. She is 9 did you say? Old enough to know better and way too young to be that brazen.

I hate that we dont present a united front to the DC, and feel like the majority of parenting is left to me. I struggle to articulate this to him... i usually end up in tears as i get so frustrated...he automatically gets defensive and his deafult us " so you are saying i do notthing with them then" .

Apart from anything else, you say his failings here make you cry - and he doesn't give a shit. Just attacks you by misrepresenting your words, from "you don't do enough with them and aren't consistent" into "you do nothing with them". You know why he does that? He does it because he knows the first is true and he would have to step up and admit blame, while the second isn't, so he can self-righteously argue against it. If he had a leg to stand on he wouldn't need to wave a lie around as a distraction from your actual point. Yet again he is putting his own ego ahead of his children, and being cheerfully willing to fuck you over in the process, even as you cry over what he knows full well he is doing. Lovely.

He's lazy and he is selfish where the kids are concerned, and I suspect the defensiveness is because at some level, he bloody well knows it.

OP, you have a choice. You force this issue, or you accept your kids are going to have a shitty childhood because their father won't man up enough to be a parent. I'm sorry, but that's the reality.

What you do if you force it and nothing changes is a problem for another day. But you do have to draw a line in the sand, IMO, for their sakes even more than your own. Why should you or the kids tolerate this?

These threads piss me off so much. NOT all men are useless fathers; there are plenty who step up just fine. It insults them to pretend otherwise. Why is it that being a bad and/or neglectful mother is seen as evil, but a bad/neglectful father gets a free pass on his laziness and selfishness unless actively abusive.

his reasoning is that he knew i had said she wasnt to have them, but not the rest, i.e. the whining and DD saying she wld just get dad to get them etc.

I think he needs to explain this reasoning. If he knew you had said she wasn't to have the crisps, that should have been the end of the matter, and he should have backed you to the hilt. He seems to be saying "I knew you said dd wasn't to have the crisps, but I assumed you didn't mean it. If I'd known that she was whining and saying she would get me to get them, only then would I assume you did mean it". There's just no logic in it.

Similarly, if he reacts to you talking to him about his parenting by saying "So you're saying I should do nothing with her?" that is equally illogical. By no stretch of the imagination can "Please exercise some consistent discipline and stop letting her get away with bad behaviour" be construed as meaning "Have nothing to do with her."

I agree with sleeponeday's strategy. Your DD and your DH need to know that this is where the rot stops.

Actually, although I agree with previous posters who say your DH is the primary issue, I can see why you are also feeling hurt by your DD. Mine have brought me to tears in the past with naughty or disrespectful behaviour.

Do you know what helped? Instead of hiding my emotions, I cried right in front of them and made it clear that it was their behaviour that had upset me. And then I stopped doing whatever mundane task they expected me to carry out for them next. i.e. getting their dinner or tucking them in. I just told them I don't do those things for people who are unkind to me.

So in your case, I probably would cancel the next swimming lesson. If she can't be bothered to be pleasant in the changing room, then it's not fair for her to expect you to take her.

(I'm evil, so I'd probably apply similar logic to the husband. If he can't be bothered to back you up when you disciplined your child, then I'd find myself unable to be bothered with some of his shit.)

She is 6. I agree they do get away with too much, hence the Convo last night with DH about following through. Its tricky, in the spirit of full disclosure I undermine him , as poster above says he threatens the most ridiculous punishments which he clearly can't implement, so I often step in with something that we CAN actually implement. DD is showing signs of being a madam, so I think she needs a firmer approach than we have been providing but I can't do it on my own. I'm going to sit down with DH and spell it out for him. He needs to step up but I need to as well.

Thank you so much for responses, even the ones that are hard to hear. I'm not a pushover but can see that I need to be stronger on this. If DH isn't willing to step up and make changes then I need to look at the bigger picture.

OP, have you considered both doing a parenting course? I have done one because DS has some additional needs, but tbh it's also really helpful with my toddler. The principles are ones most of us already know, but working them on a day to day basis is a lot harder.

Something really does need to change though, if you cry about how horrendous a team you are with the kids, and he just twists your words to escape responsibility for any of it. That's really troubling.

I would have grabbed the crisps, tipped them over DH's head, gone to the car, and gone home by myself.

But I'm not very good at controlling my temper, my way would've been bad really.

Lol Meeep

As pps have said I would not take her swimming foe the time being and explain why. She is not safe.

I would also have a very frank chat with your H. This sort of inconsequential behaviour will teach your DD to disrespect you both.

She is using him and winding you up. Quite horrible behaviour, needs to be nipped in the bud.

I would also not take the twat (H) anymore on outings.

This behaviour, while hurtful, is not entirely surprising at 6.

I agree that you need to take dh to one side and utterly spell it out.

I would also speak to dd calmly and quietly, but very firmly. Explain how much her original behaviour disappointed you, but the waving of the crisps utterly hurt you, and that you would never like to see that again. Tell her that you should have taken her crisps there and then and binned them, and given her a punishment that really means something, but you were too shocked at the time. Again, that won't happen again either.

For this reason there will be no swimming next week. There will be no treats, classes or activities, if her behaviour doesn't immediately improve there will be a total screen ban too.

Make sure both dd and h know that if either of them defy you in future, there will be a problem

I'm with stable, my first thought is I would have snatched them off her and DH would be taking her swimming I future seen as he thinks he knows best. Yes you child was disrespectful but a child can lead from that, your husband needs to belt up and act like an adult, I would have exploded!