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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH completely undermined me - how to deal?

106 replies

fiestabelle1 · 06/02/2016 12:00

Dd misbehaving at swimming, told several times that if she didnt behave no crisps from cafe afterwards. She continues, so I say right, no crisps. Cue whining going on and on as is her way. She says "ill just ask dad to get them then". I say to Dh dont buy her crisps. He makes a joke of it, cuddles her and then proceeds to buy them for her. Dd then makes a face at me. I was furious...walked out of cafe and bk to car. Dd comes out to car and waves crisps in my face. I am so upaet by this. Dh does little to support me with kids and I feel like an utter fool in front of DD. DH is very big on discipline etc but is actually pretty ineffectual...ie shouty but rarely follows through. Aware this incident is just the final straw but i dont know where to go from here?

OP posts:
SfaOkaySuperFurryAnimals · 06/02/2016 15:56

Learn not lead*

BlondeOnATreadmill · 06/02/2016 16:00

Oh blimey, I would be RAGING, if that happened to me. You set a punishment. DH over rode it. Then she waved crisps in your face! Your DH is showing your DD, that you have no authority. You are going to have to tell him, how serious this is.

BlondeOnATreadmill · 06/02/2016 16:04

Oh, I just read that she is 6! That makes it even worse. When reading your OP, I presumed she was a toddler. A 6 year old behaving like this, is a huge problem, imo.

mybloodykitchen · 06/02/2016 16:18

I agree with pp. It wouldn't be swimming or activities I'd cancel though because those things are actively good for her. I'd be looking at screen time/snacks/pudding.

Hissy · 06/02/2016 16:28

Loved the mental image of a car park full of mumsnetters stampng on packets of crisps in a complete rage... I'm so there!

spudlike1 · 06/02/2016 16:29

Your husband is treating you with very little respect

Hissy · 06/02/2016 16:31

The reason I say about cancelling a number of activities is for dd to understand how much is done for her. Also the power of boredom....

mybloodykitchen · 06/02/2016 16:40

Yeah maybe. I'd be hitting the crisps as the issue though. Not swimming. And IME having a bored child is just asking for behaviour. I wouldn't set her up to fail like that.

She was a madam about crisps = no crisps for a month/term/until she can buy them in a pub :)

Marchate · 06/02/2016 18:05

Had you undermined him, would he be fine with that? I expect not

StableYard · 06/02/2016 18:16

I have found that instead of thing's eg the crisps being a given, that my children behave better if they have to earn it.

So I'd remind them on route to swimming that if they want the crisps they have to do xyz and not abc.

I will remind them again going in the water and out when to get changed.

If they do abc I will warn once that if they carry on they will loose the crisps.

Doesn't always work but I have found this a more positive way for mine

ravenmum · 06/02/2016 19:45

Is there anywhere nearby with parenting courses? Going together to something like that might help get you on the same side and make you more effective.

Original poster
fiestabelle1 · 07/02/2016 09:38

Thank you everyone who has responded. Lots to think about. Once I'd stopped crying yesterday I came downstairs and had strong words with DD. She was very apologetic and although shutting myself away and crying wasn't the most mature response I think its driven home how upset I was. I explained that I was shocked and disappointed in her behaviour and very upset. We were heading out as a family last night so haven't had a huge amount of time to discuss with DH. When I came downstairs he was Humpty withe me as apparently I over reacted by locking myself away. I explained that I was furious, and told him why, and also very upset with both of them re lack of respect. His excuse is that he wasn't aware of the full background i.e. that whilst the initial bad behaviour wasn't that bad, her attitude to being punished, I.e. I'll just get dad to get them for me, was horrible. He has apologised and after seeing how she acted has also spoken to her. I have told him its completely not on, that we need to be consistent with them and that's its unfair to them that we don't back each other up. We are going to sit down with DS and DD a d agree some house rules, so that DH and I have consistent pre agreed idea of what we expect from them, and the DC also know. We will also agree on consequences, i.e. warnings and consequences. I've been concerned for a while re DD and her general attitude and yesterday, whilst horrible has brought things to a head. Thank you again for all the replies.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 07/02/2016 09:45

Well done OP, now make sure you see it through. A good tip for your dh is when he gives a warning, rather than threaten something ridiculous in the heat of the moment, get used to the phrase 'There will be a consequence'

Said slowly, in a low, stern voice, with a steely gaze and emphasis on the word will is usually enough to stop dcs in their tracks and make them think twice. Practice in front of a mirror Grin

The other thing is to tell them you will 'let them know when you're ready' what the consequence will be so that it gives you time to think of something suitable and lets them stew for a bit.

Original poster
fiestabelle1 · 07/02/2016 11:04

Thanks, that's a great idea. It can be hard sometimes to think of something appropriate when you have daily life, brother/sister to take into account etc.DS is fairly straightforward, the loss of screen time pulls him back into line every time. DD is trickier, she won't lose face so even if I know she hates to lose something her attitude will be " I don't care". I've binned a brand new toy previously and she didn't bat an eyelid. We need to find something that will make her take notice. I agree that food as a reward/punishment isn't the best idea...need to give it some thought.

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 07/02/2016 11:14

There's a lot of focus on your daughter here. It doesn't matter what sanctions you agree on if she knows her father will undermine you. Has he agreed to back you up and not undermine you even when he doesn't know the backstory? Because if not you need to be keeping in mind where to draw the boundary wih him. I really hope he is very sorry and will back up his words with actions.

Isetan · 07/02/2016 11:16

Anybody who tried to undermine my ability to parent DD would be in for a very rude awakening, avoiding shit like this is my absolute number one reason for loving single parenthood.

First things first, I would make it very clear to your DD that her gloating was unacceptable. In addition to implementing an alternate sanction to the one she used her dad to circumnavigate, you will implement another, heftier sanction for her gloating.

Secondly, this isn't a parenting crisis it's a marriage crisis of which undermining your ability to parent is a symptom. Your excuses/ rationalisations for his atrocious behaviour suggest that you don't want to face the reality, that this man does not respect you and is willing to damage his children in an effort to undermine you.

This is serious OP, handwringing is neither an effective or an acceptable response because it won't change the very fucked dynamic that your children are being exposed to. It's time to face up to the much bigger problem, that is your marriage.

theclick · 07/02/2016 11:18

I would be fuming and DD needs a good round of discipline. And DH- my God!

Original poster
fiestabelle1 · 07/02/2016 11:25

Kitty, he has agreed he was very much in the wrong, and apologised. I agree though, just words he needs to put what he has said into action. I don't think I've rationalised or made excuses for him, I've said what I know his excuses would be...does mean I accept or agree with them. There are issues within our marriage, you're right, and it can be hard to face up to that. As I've said, yesterday was a wake up call, eye opener for me, and I'm taking steps to work on both discipline with DD and the bigger picture which is DH and his/our parenting of DC. I'm not sure what you mean by handwringing??

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 07/02/2016 11:32

You do not have to take something away. Sanctions can be extra chores, for example. And that is very useful as it also helps to get some jobs done.

TendonQueen · 07/02/2016 12:02

If she's not bothered about things being taken away, I would try not giving her attention, ie when she does something like this, she goes to her room. She may still say 'don't care' but then she doesn't get to lord it up in front of you. If you take that route though you may also want to consider what entertainment is available to her in her room, and whether you want to change that.

Original poster
fiestabelle1 · 07/02/2016 12:10

Thanks, hadn't thought of chores as an option. We do send her to her room, but she isn't overly bothered by that. Thanks again for the replies, much appreciated.

OP posts:
Hissy · 07/02/2016 13:54

fiesta i asked my 10yo ds what he thought and he winced when he thought about how he knew I'd feel if he had have done that to me.

But 6 is a different level of empathy to 10. My son really didn't identify with anything or one if it wasn't directly relating to him. Ok so we've been through a lot and he has developed an amazing sense of self and others, but still, if you deal decisively with this now, it will be resolved and things should improve.

My son also was extremely interested in what my reaction would have been had he done this. He fully expected me to go absolutely red mist. Those crisps would have been gone in an instant. Pulverised possibly by my incandescence alone 😂

Isetan · 07/02/2016 14:24

If you really believe actions speak louder than words, why aren't you insisting he start, by addressing what happened at the swimming pool? At the very least, he needs to apologise to you in front of your DD and you both need to reprimand her for her gloating. It appears your DD was not the only one who escaped the consequences of disrespecting you at the swimming pool.

Why has parenting your children become such a power play and what is it about your relationship with your H that you're not facing up to?

There are lots of different disciplining techniques you can implement but if you don't address your relationship issues with your H, capitalising on the obvious discord between you will always be a huge temptation for your DD.

Original poster
fiestabelle1 · 07/02/2016 14:29

Lol, hissy thanks, that made me smile. From the outside looking in I can totally see what I should have done, taken them away straight away, spoke firmly to DD and then had words with DH in a calm manner. DD and DH know I've been really upset, the moment has passed now, but its been a wake up call for me, and hopefully DH. I've made it clear that we cannot continue and that when we speak later I'll be making it clear that if he doesn't support me, and get on board then that means a re think of our lives in general. I am not minimising this, I'm sure some think I am. I've been vaguely aware for a while re DD and also DH's stand back attitude to parenting but yesterday just crystallised how bad it is. I'm sure things won't change overnight but hopefully things will improve.

OP posts:
AlwaysHopeful1 · 07/02/2016 14:35

I would have taken it away from that little madam and told her to behave. You need to speak to your Dh about how disrespectful he is.

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