A FWB - gone badly wrong

[homagetosewage]

Ten years ago I was in a 'FWB' relationship. I wanted more, he was younger than me and for this reason - he didn't commit. I 'fell in love' with him - whatever that means. I realised this was all wrong, moved away - met an amazing guy - and we now have a beautiful little girl together. I love my family and care for them deeply.

I have always wanted to 'let go' of the FWB. But he emails me from time to time. I reply - I feel compelled to reply. I think about him on a daily basis. What is wrong with me? I feel like I did the right thing - and for all the right reasons. But the strength of emotions I feel for my FWB are like nothing I have ever experienced.

How do I destroy these feelings - and why the hell does he still contact me? I know the answer is 'block him' - but I can't do that. I would never contact him, but it's the compulsion to reply that I can't stop. Help.

I'd say address them. Then again, I tend to disagree significantly with many of the knee-jerk responses to affairs (potential or otherwise) on MN.

Ask yourself how you'd feel if your husband was doing what you are. Responding to emails, thinking about someone else every day. Wondering if he'd missed out on something with someone else. I'd be heart broken.

A book recommendation for you, homage:

The Eden Project: In Search Of The Magical Other by James Hollis.

I just think that your priority here needs to be your family and obsessing over this will not help and isn't fair. Block him completely. I have no idea if this will mean that you stop thinking about him completely but it is the right thing to do and I'd expect that these thoughts will fade with time

I find it interesting that you chose not to answer how you would feel if your partner was behaving/feeling as you are.

The key to shutting off is to block him, or change your email so that there is no contact. Seriously. If you have any issues, have them in counselling, not with him. Be fair to your partner.

Gatewalker - I continue to think you are amazing, and will look at your recommendation.

As I said before - I would want my partner to be open about his feelings, and aim to provide an environment where he feels free to express them.
My priority is my family. I can't block, because I can't just 'block' someone who I know so well and care about.

OP: "My priority is my family. I can't block, because I can't just 'block' someone who I know so well and care about"

YES. Your FAMILY is your priority, not this ex-fuckbud. And yes, you can just block him. You're CHOOSING not to.

And I wouldn't be heartbroken if he has thoughts about his 'ex's'.

OK, with thoughts.

What about contact?

Is it the season for FWB/limerence angst? Maybe it's Valentine's Day in the offing bring it out of the woodwork. There are a whole pile of threads like this at the moment Eg.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2562309-Do-I-need-to-end-this-Friends-with-benefits

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2562786-Breaking-the-mental-connection-between

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2561888-For-anyone-else-whos-been-attracted-to-an-emotionally-unavailable-man

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/783339-F-buddy-friend-situation

OP - all of the above threads (but there are a few more around currently and recently) show no good comes of this stuff. Many of them have some good advice on them.

I just don't think you see that what you are doing here is something that would really hurt your partner if he knew about it. block your friend and get some counselling. Naval gazing isn't going to fix anything

Sorry cross posted with you OP. I still think you need to just stop this rather than analyse it

I would not mind about contact either. Sorry. I know we are there for each other and my little girl. I feel very secure with him - even if he had an affair.

Ok. You'd be ok with your partner having these thoughts about his ex and having contact with them. If you are sure he feels the same then there are no problems here. Carry on!
(If, however, you don't think he'd be fine with this then you need to stop.)

It's all a bit self indulgent. I feel really sorry for your partner, poor bugger.

Are you open with your partner? Did you tell him about the relationship you had with fwb? You inform him when he's been in touch, how he is, how you responded?

I agree that you are over-romanticising. I did the same for years with a fwb, always thinking that he was the one who got away. I am more realistic these days and I know that if we were meant to be together we would have been.

It also helped that when I googled him the other day, he was wearing a wedding ring in one pic and looked short, fat and old in the other.

You have to wonder even if you did get together would it work out? Don't jeopardise what you have in your current relationship.

If he's a great guy, and you have this very relaxed open relationship with one another, I'm sure you'd appreciate his advice.

Get your dp to read the emails and ask what his thoughts are maybe.

Thank you for the links, I shall read with interest. We don't have that kind of open relationship, if we did, I wouldn't be posting. Because all of this would be discussed and acceptable.

Over romanticsicing is a fault in someone's character?

So you do accept what you're doing is wrong? You don't feel he is entitled to know what's going on behind his back?

Is self indulgence a fault too?

It is when it's hurting the people you love.

Your choice OP. There are consequences to everything we do.

Put a set of scales in front of you. Imagine on the one side sits your little family and the care for them and the deep love you have. Now imagine on the other side sits your FWB and the care you feel for him and the need to be in his life.

Now, you have to choose one side of the scale. You can take one side only, and when you do, you leave behind the other side to drop. Emotions are heavy, which do you choose?

I don't think you care, of the effect of the rejected side dropping (as it will). You see I think you only care about filling your own soul. I don't think you care as much about your family and this FWB as you suggest. I think you care about you more.

It doesn't always have to be that way. I know in your shoes I have already walked a thousand miles.

You have poor personal boundaries.

You might be very surprised if you sat him down and told dp what you've been doing all these years.

You are not entirely happy in your relationship. That's for sure.

Yy to finding a counsellor to safely explore these feelings and your compulsion to continue being in contact.