A FWB - gone badly wrong

[homagetosewage]

Ten years ago I was in a 'FWB' relationship. I wanted more, he was younger than me and for this reason - he didn't commit. I 'fell in love' with him - whatever that means. I realised this was all wrong, moved away - met an amazing guy - and we now have a beautiful little girl together. I love my family and care for them deeply.

I have always wanted to 'let go' of the FWB. But he emails me from time to time. I reply - I feel compelled to reply. I think about him on a daily basis. What is wrong with me? I feel like I did the right thing - and for all the right reasons. But the strength of emotions I feel for my FWB are like nothing I have ever experienced.

How do I destroy these feelings - and why the hell does he still contact me? I know the answer is 'block him' - but I can't do that. I would never contact him, but it's the compulsion to reply that I can't stop. Help.

Really struggling not to post:-

Grow. Up.

Oops. Too late....

Of course you can block him. You are choosing not to. Be honest with yourself.

The reason he contacts you is his will one day hope to hear you are single again so he can have sex with you again. I doubt there is anything deeper going on than keeping you on the hook for sex at some point.

It sounds as though you are about to let this old fuck buddy ruin your family. I'd be having a serious think about my priorities.

So do you mind me asking the content of these emails? Are they friendly or sexual or a mix of both.

If you got this guy what do you think life would be like? Would you happier with him or are you just putting him on a pedestal?

And in response to the question of whether men would move heaven and earth to be with someone they loved.....they would .

A few years ago I had a bf I was very much in love with and he me. I noted though that he was territorial with his "me" time. He had lots of time where he played a sport and wouldn't give it up for me. I was ok with that to a certain extent but after nearly a year of dating to be told again you cant see your bf because on the weekend as he is playing tennis all weekend then hanging out with his friends, it wears your patience thin.

Then his family owned him. He was always involved with some family drama or other, still involved in all his parents and siblings lives. They honestly couldnt piss without each other.

He was also career focused and whilst with me, achieved a career goal he had wanted to achieve for many years. He was so proud.

But he broke my heart, dumped me for apparently nothing but then I found out a long time later he had cheated on me.

Well let me tell you, his new gf was moving away some 200 miles away for a new job. They must have had a long distance relationship for a while. I wondered how that was going to work as he had a career in the city he always wanted, his life, his family, etc.

Out of morbid curiosity, I looked up his LinkedIn recently. He has only gone and given it all up. For her. He's moved to be with her. He's given up his city job and what he is doing now is not anywhere near as good. He's also left behind his family and friends.

Do you know how that made me feel? The man who wouldn't be prized away from his hobby, his family, etc to prioritise me and he's given up everything he has to be with her, even his hard earned career.

Men DO move mountains when they want to be with someone.

If you both have partners and children, what are you getting out of this?

hollieberry

That was a great post.

The idea that a man will move mountains to be with a woman he is in love with is utter tripe.

100% agree. What if the man is in love with a woman who is already married? What is he going to do? Take out a contract?

Also plenty of people even if they are deeply in love and are "sure" this person is right for them, fear ultimate rejection so would never even start the mountain moving project - as they would be paralysed by fear.

FFS. It is romantic nonsense.

This has burgeoning emotional affair written all over it. In fact it, already is one.

Look at the facts. You are in a LTR and have a child. So does he. He has now moved into your area and you and your partners were in the same venue and your kids nearly played together. I think you were excited by his proximity. Did your partner or his partner know about this proximity? No, it's a secret game between you and your FB. Not good.

I have four things to say.

1. What kind of a man who has a wife/partner and child still keeps in touch with his old fuck buddy? Doesn't say much about him. And you're doing it too.

1. He wasn't interested when you are available. He is only interested when nether of you are available

1. Yes You CAN cut contact. You are simply refusing to.

1. You are massively underestimating how hurtful your DP would find this if you opened up to him.

Come back in a few years time when you left your partner for the fuck buddy and the fuck buddy wasn't interested in anything long term again. Keep him in your past. Be grateful for the memories, smile at them now and then, and then relegate him to your past. Cut him off. Nothing to see here.

Either cut contact completely or leave your dh/dp to be with this man.
The fact that you don't want to cut contact speaks volumes about how you regard your family compared to this man
The only way to sort your feelings is to cut contact. Stop picking at the scab or it will fail to heal....

'Sometimes they do, yes.

But that is dependent on them:

a) falling in love at a time they were single and available
b) falling in love at a time they actually wanted to be in love
c) not having any emotional issues or major baggage in the way
d) feeling ready for such a big commitment

Plenty of people, women and men alike have fallen in love and deeply cared for another person but just not been able to do it. They have been too young, too stupid, too close to a recent divorce, already with someone else. Or even just feeling like they just aren't ready. Many things can get in the way of such things.'

And you know what? that's okay, so long as it doesn't have a negative or destructive effect on other people's lives. Realising that you can't commit is fine. Knowing that and wilfully continuing a FWB scenario or lingering in someone's life knowing that you can't give them what they want is utterly utterly selfish and indefensibly weak behaviour.

If this man truly loved you, he would leave you alone because he knows he can't give you what you want. This romantic idea of the 'great love' is fine, as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else. This does.

I know this whole thing hurts so much, but you are not Burton and Taylor. You are two ordinary people with lives and partners and children who risk screwing things up on an apocalyptic level.

Please go and get some counselling - you need someone to help you untangle why you feel so strongly and only then will you be able to move forward.

I wish you well

Thank you all, I am really touched by so many of these posts. Silverfox, I watched your film clip - and your words are very wise. I've read and cried a lot.

I actually think counselling may be the answer. I feel incredibly confused, but all your answers have helped.

We approach every situation differently in our lives.

A man could meet a woman at 25. Fall in love. Want to be with her but let fear / life circumstances or timing cause him to "let her go"

Same man 10 years later faced with the same scenario might move mountains.

He didn't love her more than the first woman. He just was ready to make the effort.

As women and humans we do ourselves no favours talking and thinking in these platitudes which cause us to feel "less than".

Someone committing or not is partly down yo how much they like you / fancy you and enjoy being with you and partly down to a million other things.

Timing
Their state of mind
Their confidence
Whether they are looking for a relationship

It's more realistic to see it like that.

Of course they make MORE effort for a woman they value and desire more...but valuing and desiring a woman does not mystically transform every man into Romeo.

The point is simply to find someone who makes you happy, wants to be with you and is in the right place of life / emotional state to want to be / be able to be a good partner.

Thinking of it like that is healthier.

All this bull shit we are fed as women does us no good at all!!!

How many of us met soneone at 21 we could have loved and been happy with if we'd met instead at 35 when we had our shit together?

Men are just like us.

Im perfect
Insecure at times
Make bad decisions at times
Shy of lifelong commitments
Discovering who they are as life goes on

It's not alays a case of them meeting soneone worth committing to and mahicall transforming "for her". Although sometimes it is. Sometimes the way they treat you says more about them than it does us.

Sorry for all the typos. Stupid phone

Hollie, I'm loving your posts. Thoughtful, gentle, understanding. I need you to be my counsellor! You are not dismissive and look at things from both points of view.

Hollie, I'm loving your posts. Thoughtful, gentle, understanding.

+1 to that.

It's just I went through beating myself up over it.

At the end of the day if a man / woman doesn't want a relationship you can blow rainbow bubbles out of your arse and it won't make a difference.

Does no good to tell yourself you're not good enough, does it??

Of course you are. Just mismatched with that person

And now you are making me giggle. You sound like an utter gem, and whoever you settle down with will be a very lucky man.

I've blocked him. I feel free and a huge sense of relief. You are right - it's things like putting the Christmas tree up together, looking after each other when we are ill, the joy we share when our daughter reads her book, the fact that he accepts all my annoying habits and he has seen them all. I chose a wonderful, wonderful father and an incredible man. That's love.

Yay, Homage
You're beautiful after all.

(Rushes out of office to chase Mrs Fox around the kitchen table and give her a kiss).

Very, very wise OP. You have done incredibly well to make the right decision when you were dealing with some difficult feelings.

Well done to you OP

It was undoubtably the right decision!! Both 10 years ago and today.

If I were you, I'd move forward knowing you picked the better man.

You guys are awesome. Music helps me - a lot. Someone singing about a situation I relate to. The song and video are pretty extreme here - but - for some reason - it helps :

You have feelings, he doesn't. Move on. You're emotionally cheating on your partner as it is.