A FWB - gone badly wrong

[homagetosewage]

Ten years ago I was in a 'FWB' relationship. I wanted more, he was younger than me and for this reason - he didn't commit. I 'fell in love' with him - whatever that means. I realised this was all wrong, moved away - met an amazing guy - and we now have a beautiful little girl together. I love my family and care for them deeply.

I have always wanted to 'let go' of the FWB. But he emails me from time to time. I reply - I feel compelled to reply. I think about him on a daily basis. What is wrong with me? I feel like I did the right thing - and for all the right reasons. But the strength of emotions I feel for my FWB are like nothing I have ever experienced.

How do I destroy these feelings - and why the hell does he still contact me? I know the answer is 'block him' - but I can't do that. I would never contact him, but it's the compulsion to reply that I can't stop. Help.

Ultimately, I think I do care for myself the most. Doesn't everyone? I care deeply for my partner and family, and for my fwb.

Thinking and pining is not a crime but staying in touch when you know you feel that way is appalling behaviour. It's akin to an emotional affair.

What is appalling?

OP you sound like you are keeping in contact hoping one day he will change his mind and you run off together.
A man will move mountains to be with the woman he loves.
You are just a woman he shagged who occasionally strokes his ego when he's bored.
Believe me you are not be the only woman he contacts out of the blue.

What's with the naive act op? You don't think daydreaming and having a hidden relationship with someone you have feelings for behind your partners back is appalling? Oh sorry I forgot, you don't. But you know he would.

Scary reading this thread.

A month ago I ended a "relationship" that was FWB-esque with a younger man who wouldn't commit.

Still miss him, think about him all the time but made the decision to look for someone ready to commit to me, and I am in the throes of dating lovely men who want to commit to me but my heart is absolutely attached to Mr No Commitment.

So, your post scares the living daylights out of me to be honest. Especially as my exFWB feels as strongly as I do (despite the lack of commitment) and says he feels he will never be able to fully let me go.

So first to say...I don't think you are romanticising. Unless to say you are focussing on the memory of so much passion and such a deep connection that aroused feelings in you that you have never had before and probably will again. I sympathise with that. Who wouldn't remember it?

I am not sure about you, but when my FWB would ring at the door I would race down two flights of stairs and we would fling our arms around each other and almost be crying from how much we'd missed each other and were peaceful and happy to be bac together.

the passion was like nothing either of us had ever known.

but

Can I remind you also of the pain it left me in, when he didn't want to talk about a future, when he did little things to let me know he saw me as temporary and when he would not always be there when I needed him because it was "too close".

So, you know, what I am saying is...God all that passion and wonderful romance is just amazing - but the other stuff actually means more. Like who is going to be there when we face bad days or hard times and who wants to be with us enough that they can overcome their fears and fight for us. Like who changes nappies with us and who makes the choice to be there with and for us.

Those things matter more. And I get how you feel, I really, really, truly do because honestly my heart is absolutely breaking right now and I can't imagine how my longing for him will ever go away (and it makes me even sadder he does too) but I couldn't change his choices.

If he saw and read your thread he would probably cry, because I know he will be sad at the thought that in ten years I will be marrid with a baby with some lovely new partner and that he will be emailing me because he couldn't let go.

It's not romantacising.

I do think sometimes the thundebolt strikes and we meet someone who arouses something magical in us, something hard to describe but something very powerful - but not always does it mean we can live out our lives happily with them.

I am not sure about you, but given the choice, I would choose someone who would be there for me over someone who made my pulse race like that. It's sad to have to make the choice - but you do have to sometimes.

The question you won't ever be able to answr is what sort of husband and father he would have been, how that passion would have weathered the years - but if it's anything like mine has been you probably know it would have never died away.

Life is sad like that sometimes.

But when you speak about your lovely partner and family...I hope you can see the magic in that also. Sometimes we have to live with the lives we could have had, or the life we missed and see that the life we got was the one we were always meant to have.

I hope that helps a little.

I don't think anyone telling you that you are being frothy is going to help you. We feel what we feel.

I don't want to run off, or have a hidden relationship. I think I want to deal with my emotions.

I also don't believe for a minute that a man moves mountains for a woman he loves or that just because he didn't commit he didn't love or care for you or feel as sad as you do.

It's a naive view of the world.

Sometimes you are abslutely just not ready in a million diferrent ways to meet the one you settle down with and PLENTY of men I know, sit there and look back on "the one that got away" and how he wished he'd had the balls or the sense to fight for her when he should have.

Happens every day.

Life isn't a film.

People fuck up.

Men aren't always knights in shining rmous.

Sometimes they are just fucked up kids who have absolutely no idea that they are doing something they are going to regret

Holliebelly, I am in floods of tears.

That has helped so much, I can't thank you enough xx

What holliebelly said x 1000

silverfox had it brilliantly! What a great post.

FFS. He never committed to you. He's just a Penis on legs. You have no connection. You have no relationship. You have no children together. You have no life together.

Give yourself a fucking slap. And soon. The longer this e-mail shit goes on, the more likely your DP is going to rumble you. And if he has anything about him, he could leave you.

(slow typist xposts)

I view him as a person, not a penis on legs. Much as I wouldn't want to be viewed in a similar way.

Sorry if it made you cry.

I just think that sometimes we forget the value in the little everyday things being just as much as those hot passionate times too. I am sure if you were with Mr No Commitment now and in the throes of all that hot passion again you would really miss your DP and the way he holds your hand when you've had a shit day, or the way he gets up for the baby in the night or make you a cup of tea. I think you'd probably (as I do) experience all the passion and connection and then sometimes fall asleep crying because you knew he was just almost there, but not quite enough.

The every day kind of love is more precious, beause it's a choice and it's work and it's a commitment. The other kind of very real too - but remember you had it, and it wasn't enough.

You have nothing to regret here.

You fell in love, and you probably tried hard at the time to get a commitment out of him, and no doubt cried all your tears until you decided to move away beause it was all wrong.

You wanted commitment and a life, and you got a wonderful one.

Your FWB sounds to be still single a decade on, and no doubt he hasn't been able to commit to anyone - so being with him would be buying right back into the man who can only give you part of himself, and not even the part that really matters.

I am very, very sad for your FWB too so I understand why you can't block him and why you feel tenderness. This is someone you had an unresolved relationship with, someone who had so much potential that was never reached but it might be best for you to see him as someone who could not give you a life. He could only give you snippets of one.

In an ideal world he would have committed and given you the baby and the life, but there's no point in living in a fantasy like that. I think he is porbably still that fucked up kid.

I hve no question in my mind that my FWB will be messaging me in a decade in the same way, and that he will feel rightfully sad that he couldn't do it - because he should have

But I think being commitment phobic like this, is for some people like a mental health issue. Or an addiction. Something very self desturctive where they miss out on so much by running away all the time.

We can't save them, we can't control them - we can only choose to leave.

You can sit back and realise you did the exact right thing, that the only person with regrets is your FWB and that you have an amazing partner who gave you all the things the othe guy wasn't capable of.

think of him as a Denys character from Out Of Africa. Doesn't man you didn't love him and he didn't love you -I am sure he did if he still contacts....but it means his love wasn't the type that would give you all the things that matter.

A Dad for your kids
Someoen to put up the Christmas Tree with
Someone to grow old with
Someone to look after you when you get sick
Someone to pick up a chinese takeaway if you're knackered after work

Have a good cry, think about all those things your DP does every day, and feel the tenderness well inside you for that honest, lovely, loyal man you chose to spend your life with.

It's worth a million of the other guy!

Ultimately, I think I do care for myself the most. Doesn't everyone?

No. Some do not. You have a lot to learn OP. You have a lot of MN reading to do as well....

If you love your family, if you love what you feel about your family , look after them. Protect your little girl most. Show some commitment, and over the years watch it come back to you ten-fold.

Yes, yes, but the other stuff actually means more

You will have seen this before. It's trotted out a lot these days, because it is what it is.

Do you love your family?

Er, yes, a man who loves a woman WILL move mountains to be with her.

This FWB hasn't done anything of the sort.

Op, in any of your e-mails over the past 10 years, has your FWB ever said

"I made a terrible mistake letting you go. Please marry me. I love you"

If not, there is your answer. (And I just know he hasn't).

He e-mails you when he's bored/horny/wants a wank.

WAKE UP.

At the end of this film, the villagers are walking up the hill, having lost so many of each other to war, earthquakes and crimes of passion. And the Doctor says one thing to one of the villagers;

If you love your wife, my advice is, be nice to her. Bring in the wood before she asks you for it; if she is cold then put a shawl around her shoulders; and bring her a flower every time you come back from the field.

It's the little things OP, the little things. There is nothing greater. Even Richard Branson and Angelina Jolie do these things? What else is there, for this is life.

The reality of life is far more enjoyable than your imagination of it.

The idea that a man will move mountains to be with a woman he is in love with is utter tripe. This is spwed out from pseudo psychologists constantly and really gets my goat.Will every woman move mountains to be with the man she loves?

Sometimes they do, yes.

But that is dependent on them:

a) falling in love at a time they were single and available
b) falling in love at a time they actually wanted to be in love
c) not having any emotional issues or major baggage in the way
d) feeling ready for such a big commitment

Plenty of people, women and men alike have fallen in love and deeply cared for another person but just not been able to do it. They have been too young, too stupid, too close to a recent divorce, already with someone else. Or even just feeling like they just aren't ready. Many things can get in the way of such things.

I have a severely commitment phobic female friend who is genuinely in her first long term relationship where she is living with a man and she is 40 years old. She has issues from childhood that made her absolutely revolted by the idea and she has been in love before but wasn't able to /in a place to bite the bullet properly. She has an absolutely lovely partner that she adores but she moved in with him two months ago and phones me almost daily with quite deep distress as she is finding it so hard. she equates "love" with "pressure" - and we do not all view "love" in the storybook way whre we move mountains to get it. We are not all the same. For some it is a big struggle to get to that point.

I also read a letter online on another forum just a few weeks ago from a younger man who had been in love with an older woman, and he had pushed her away because he was scared of vulnerability. He was in his twenties and said he had never opened up to anyone. He was sad, lonely, but just had these issues that he foudn hard to overcome.

Plenty of people (especially younger men) have a set "age" in their mind that they will be ready to settle down, so they aren't looking for "the one" and might very well miss her even if they do meet her because they are just not in that mindset.

Love does not conquer all. Men do not always move mountains if they fall in love. That's not realistic. And just becaue he did not want to marry her and settle down does not make her wank fodder. Belittling her is not going to help!!

MN is very black and white sometimes. It's not real life.

Love that post Silverfox and very true

Hollie, I am in floods again. Thank you so much for your posts. My fwb has had several failed relationships, now has a partner and child, and has moved to my area. I was with my family a few weeks ago, and he was at the same venue with his family. Our children were almost playing together at one point.

Oh goodness Homage. If he has a partner and child, you honestly must tell him that you feel it's not appropriate to stay in contact.

I know how difficult that is, but you have to do the right thing.

Put this thing to bed, make it a memory to smile over and remember how unsatisfied it mad you the first time.

Fall in love with your DP all over again...it is only a matter of looking at him and remembering all the reasons he is so amazing and remembering how grateful you are to have them.

Don't let this passing ship of a failed romance ever get in the way of the lovely life you have now - and I am a firm believeer that you should never do anythign behind your DPs back that you would not be happy to do in front of their face.

you've made excellent life choices so far.

your story has a happy ending! Don't let this spoil that.

OP. This kind of thing is tough. I know this is a difficult post for you, I get that.

Imagine those scales, when you can. At the moment it is just your emotions that are on those scales. You are choosing between the emotion that fulfills you most. A self-service checkout of the mind, kind of thing. That's not really you though. At least, I don't believe.

Now imagine those real people in your life on those scales. Now it is real stuff. Oh yes. Choose one side, and the other will go. It always happens eventually. Because one day the effect of your choice will come home to affect real people.

Do you love your daughter. Can you put her first, at least for now? Children are special, and need the greatest share of our love.

Are selfless acts ultimately selfish, when you really REALLY think about them?

Are selfless acts ultimately selfish, when you really REALLY think about them?

You are deliberately over complicating this. Just make your choice. All I can say is put your children first, however it turns out. The best people do.

Then, if your choice goes tits up. And it may do. You will not drag an innocent into your mess.

You are selfish and sapping. I have better things to do. So, I'm out.