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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

A FWB - gone badly wrong

95 replies

homagetosewage · 03/02/2016 18:29

Ten years ago I was in a 'FWB' relationship. I wanted more, he was younger than me and for this reason - he didn't commit. I 'fell in love' with him - whatever that means. I realised this was all wrong, moved away - met an amazing guy - and we now have a beautiful little girl together. I love my family and care for them deeply.

I have always wanted to 'let go' of the FWB. But he emails me from time to time. I reply - I feel compelled to reply. I think about him on a daily basis. What is wrong with me? I feel like I did the right thing - and for all the right reasons. But the strength of emotions I feel for my FWB are like nothing I have ever experienced.

How do I destroy these feelings - and why the hell does he still contact me? I know the answer is 'block him' - but I can't do that. I would never contact him, but it's the compulsion to reply that I can't stop. Help.

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lalalonglegs · 03/02/2016 18:37

There are men that just burrow their way into your psyche - and I don't think it's necessarily their fault, they just seem easy to idealise. Almost inevitably they are the ones that got away and you create an idealised and wholly unrealistic portrait of them.

If you can't block him - and I think you should really try - talk to a close friend about your feelings and register the look of bafflement as she says, "But, homage, this was a FWB from ten years ago - why on earth are you still thinking about him?" and spells out to you why your feelings aren't real. Failing that, and if you're really serious about moving on, a couple of sessions with a decent therapist.

Good luck.

StillDrSethHazlittMD · 03/02/2016 18:38

Yes, you can block him, you're a grown woman and you owe it to your amazing guy to stop responding to this ex FWB. Change your email address. Then he can't contact you, then you can't reply. Simples, job done.

If you're not prepared to do that, then I would be questioning whether you really love your amazing guy as much as you say/think you do.

Original poster
homagetosewage · 03/02/2016 18:46

The length of time that I have known him is an issue. I can't let go, because I care about him and his life.

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StillDrSethHazlittMD · 03/02/2016 18:52

You admitted you had been in love with this guy and chose to end it and moved away.

How would you feel if an ex-fuck bud of your partner's kept up contact with him and he continued to respond?

WhoWants314 · 03/02/2016 18:53

I think you should take a deep breath and tell him that emailing him just reminds you of something that will always feel unsatisfactory in your mind. Wish him well and don't lose you're family.

Original poster
homagetosewage · 03/02/2016 18:56

I'd want him to address his feelings.

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Original poster
homagetosewage · 03/02/2016 18:58

It didn't feel unsatisfactory - it felt like nothing I've experienced before.

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gatewalker · 03/02/2016 19:01

I'd say that your FWB holds the key to a part of you you've yet to own for yourself.

Once you've taken that back, i.e. withdrawn that projection, you'll probably find that connection with him loses the charge it has now. It's a process, but it's worth taking on.

Original poster
homagetosewage · 03/02/2016 19:05

Thank you for all your replies btw. Key to a part of me, that I have yet to own? That is very interesting. He always made me feel like a better person than I was - or that anything was achievable in his company.

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WhoWants314 · 03/02/2016 19:05

Well, the ending was unsatisfactory. The fact that you wanted a relationship and he didn't, and he let you go rather than be with you properly, that part was the unsatisfactory part surely.

StillDrSethHazlittMD · 03/02/2016 19:07

He is an ex-fuck bud. His feelings have absolutely nothing to do with you.

gatewalker · 03/02/2016 19:09

There will be something about him that you're drawn to. It might be an idea to start writing down what comes to you, but not to think about it too much - go with your gut. Go with where that really strong feeling takes you. What is it about him that compels you so much? Yes, okay, he makes you feel a better person - but how?

Maybe there's a part of you that does indeed want to achieve more than you are. Maybe you're reaching for a part of you that wants to break free somehow, but feels completely unattainable. Much like being with him. But it's not really about him. It's about you. Bring it back to yourself, even if that means taking a very close look at your life - inner and outer - the choices you're making, and the ones you're not making but you want to.

Original poster
homagetosewage · 03/02/2016 19:09

It's almost as if it didn't end. We were never together, so we didn't 'split up'. He asked me to be his 'girlfriend' once, and then we decided against it an hour later. He told me - he loved me. I never expressed that to him.

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Original poster
homagetosewage · 03/02/2016 19:11

Gatewalker - you are amazing

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Original poster
homagetosewage · 03/02/2016 19:14

I'd say a lot of people don't 'get' me and underestimate me. He is one of the very few people in life - who understands me completely - and I understand him. So we thrived in each others company.

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ThatsNotMyRabbit · 03/02/2016 19:16

I think you should tell your husband and leave it up to him to decide if he's happy to stay with someone who thinks longingly about an ex fuck every day. He might decide he'd rather call it a day, and be free to find someone else. I know I would.

gatewalker · 03/02/2016 19:17

So, maybe you were in each other's lives to wake each other up in some way. Those can be the most painful, because we confuse them with conventional relationship, when they are not. But they are powerful, and they are transformative, and we are never the same again - especially if we use what they are offering us, and we can tolerate the pain, the absence, the not-knowing because it is the alchemy that is the most important thing of all, and not the couple, or the love. (Though love can be there.)

Original poster
homagetosewage · 03/02/2016 19:19

We are not married, and I don't want to cause any harm to my partner - at all. Which is why I'm asking for advice.

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gatewalker · 03/02/2016 19:20

Take it back to yourself: how can you 'get' yourself more? How can you start raising your own estimation of yourself? How can you do and become someone who you have felt is only within reach with him?

gatewalker · 03/02/2016 19:21

*What can you do and how can you become someone who you have felt is only within reach with him?

FoxesSitOnBoxes · 03/02/2016 19:22

Yes, I think you are over romanticising this. You are thinking about an ex fuck buddy in a way that would really really hurt your husband and your child. If you can't stop this then you need to block him.
This isn't an episode of Dawson's Creek. Don't over analyse this; just make it stop

Original poster
homagetosewage · 03/02/2016 19:23

Yes, gatewalker. I agree about the wake-up. Because my feelings - at the time - was that the concept of 'being in love' was a very dangerous thing. It was leading me to live in a self destructive way. So I decided to let me head rule my heart.

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Original poster
homagetosewage · 03/02/2016 19:23

Yes - I do want to stop

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Original poster
homagetosewage · 03/02/2016 19:25

People do have feelings about their 'ex's'. Is it better just to 'shut them off' or address them?

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Original poster
homagetosewage · 03/02/2016 19:26

And if the answer is to 'shut off' - I want the key to 'shut off'. Does anyone have that?

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