"But we took you to Stately Homes" - survivors of dysfunctional and toxic families

[pocketsaviour]

It's February 2016, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011
November 2011
January 2012
November 2012
January 2013
March 2013
August 2013
December 2013
February 2014
April 2014
July 2014
Oct 14 – Dec 14
Dec 14 – March 15
March 2015 - Nov 2015
Nov 2015 - Feb 2016

Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.

This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' see original thread here (December 2007)

So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.

You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.

'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.

I started with this book and found it really useful.

Here are some excerpts:

"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.

Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.

YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."

"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites

Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker

Some books:

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione

This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:

"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support."

No family is better than bad family, though it is shit to hear that it's true. I have one sister I stay I touch with, and her daughter my niece. I have no children. So I still have one blood relative but my family was massive, I have 17 full aunts and uncles and 70 cousins. At one point I was almost going to cut off my remaining sister as we were not seeing eye to eye, she was doing horrendous boundary violations despite claiming to see my poi to view re our parents, she was still scapegoating me because it was normal, that was until I grew a pair and started saying, right, this is the new me and you're going to have to like it because my needs are not unreasonable. so I do know a little about how it feels to be staring at the void of there being nobody. You must see that it takes amazing strength to be in that position, you are to be congratulated actually because you are brave enough not to take crap no matter what. You have to make your friends your family now.

*point of view

thanks dogdays.

it does feel like an enormous void and its beginning to affect other areas of my life too much. I have terrible health anxiety, I worry so much about something happening to me or dh and the kids being alone (like I am), I also worry about something happening to dh and me being even more alone than I am now. When he gets a headache I literally cant eat for worry. I'm trying to get CBT through my gp but its very difficult to make contact with them and start the ball rolling.

I feel like the ones I've gone NC with are leading happy content lives and I'm left a mess, just a mess.

Oh man yes, I get it about terrible anxiety over something happening to your loved ones, like they are the only good things in life and of course you're going to be robbed of them because you're robbed of everything in life because you had parents that didn't even love you ffs, how bad can it get, so therefore it is only a matter of time before the inevitable happens......and on....and on....and on.

I don't know how long it's been for you love but this was me in the early days after NC and it is just a script, it is just your mind. You are suffering from PTSD. This is not the reality. You have a lovely little family that adores you, and you have worked hard to get. This is a miracle given your upbringing. Don't worry that it will all be taken away, it won't. But you can worry yourself into such a state that you lie your life like that's already happened and that is a great shame. To love greatly means having to be really brave. Stay in the present. Time will change the intensity of this feeling. Please make sure you are taking care of all your nutritional needs, I know this sounds odd but it is amazing just how low your body can get and you don't realise it and it effects your mind so much. Without all these extra people around you can work on Project You. How much have really worked on yourself in your life, given yourself nice treats, worked on making sure you really eat 3 nice meals a day and not snatching toast between things to do? You must take care of yourself even though in your mind there is no point because you are feeling so low that you think in your sad mind everybody is going to die anyway so why bother? This is really common, you are not going nuts, you just have to gird yourself to go through it, you will come though it. Hang on tight to your family and don't forget to have some fun. The ones you have gone NC with are not happy love, they lead half lives and make other people's lives miserable. They are to be pitied and run fast fast away from.

I wouldnt know where to start with myself. Its so long since I bothered with myself I dont know where to start. Its so interesting you said that. I'm at the stage in my life where my kids are teens and its time to think about me. A lot of women I know in my position are starting retraining courses, re thinking their careers, thinking what they want to do. And I wonder why I dont do that, it just seems pointless for me. My job is crap, min wage and part time and I need better. But I dont believe I'll ever get it.

And I honestly dont know where to start with anything, I feel I've got a mountain of bad thoughts around me all the time and it blocks out everything else.

ssd - I am in the same boat - although I feel a lot stronger now.

I went NC with parents and siblings followed with their lies and shit stirring. I have no one left.

What's worse is DH's family is just as bad, we are literally on our own completely.

For a long time it felt like they were all having a very happy time and we were isolated. We didn't really go out much (all family live close by) and I felt so vulnerable especially when recently pregnant.

However, DH pointed out, they are still winning if they are still controlling me.

So, I just have to be brave and get on with it. Easier said than done!

It is not easy, but time does help. I focus on what I have, not what could be, and I focus on my children and the future and what will be.

Don't worry about your children; you are protecting them! I asked my teen what he felt about the NC, and he said he's glad; he knew they weren't 'right' but could never put a finger on it when he was little. Their influence on him was horrendous. You are preventing your children from being poisoned.

Would you want your children in touch with an abuser? Blood doesn't equal a right to hurt. Anyone saying 'but they're family' doesn't have a clue.

Good luck to you, keep strong

Honestly ssd, the best place you can start is with nutrition, start from ground up and the good thoughts will come. I swear it. Do something simple like making a list of things you like. I know it sounds nuts but I truly never thought about what it was that I needed, I was too busy being a pinball machine for other people's demands and needs. I think you are looking too much into the future and scaring yourself. Baby steps, good nutrition, sleep, hydration, take a probiotic and apple cider vinegar, go swimming, meditate, dip your feet in the sea/a river, think about what you loved to do and think about when you were a child, before the world got to you.

No, I dont want my children being ignored like I've been. But I havent told them I'm NC, I feel they would think I'm being strange. I'm not very good at opening up and I havent really told them how I feel. They arent daft though, they have showed no willingness to see the people I'm keeping away from either.

Thanks for answering me. It really helps.

before the world got to you

that mad me cry, thats it "exactly"

ssd I don't have siblings and my dad died a few years ago so now that I'm NC with my mother I'm in a similar situation to you regarding family. DH's family are... OK, but you couldn't rely on them for help or anything. It is a bit scary to think how much we are on our own, with our kids - but we were on our own before the NC, as any help my mother ever offered came with so much shite that you'd wish you'd just coped on your own.

Regarding changing things - you sound like maybe you don't know what you want? I am/was like that and I've found inner child work to be quite helpful in helping me recover a knowledge of what my actual preferences are.

thanks toomuchtooold, can I ask what is inner child work?

There's a bunch of books and courses and stuff about it - the basic idea is that if you've suffered abuse or neglect in early years, you tend to lose touch with your "inner child" - I think of it as the part of me that feels things in the most basic way, the place where the joy and enthusiasm and also anger, fear, sadness, "really" come from - and I think the idea is that we will have learned to suppress a lot of that, and when we get freedom from our abusive situations we're still not able to really be happy because we have learned not to listen to that part. You usually do exercises where you talk or write stuff to your inner child. I followed this book - been a bit remiss with it recently, but it was useful - I found my inner child had actually been telling me what I felt, but I hadn't been putting it front and centre, so I made a lot of "sensible" decisions that I couldn't actually live with. It's a lot easier now to know what I really want (even if I can't always get it).

Been a long day today. Dad passed away early this morning, so have been round there trying to comfort mum with a hug, she then tells me to leave her alone. Wondering if it's grief, but I suspect not as she was happy to let my DB's hug her.

I'm at a loss as to what to do ATM as my s are included in helping mum make the funeral arrangements, yet I'm left out, like my views aren't valid. I'm thinking of going to the funeral, but sitting with my dad's DB's and their families. They treated me like one of their own, as opposed to the way my mum has treated me. It'll be different actually shaking mum and my brothers hands on the way out, as opposed to shaking everyone else's as part of the mourning family. Just don't know what to do. I've done loads for mum, yet I'm not feeling appreciated, but when my brothers do the slightest thing, they're praised for days.

I'm off to bed as I'm knackered, but I'll be back tomorrow. Take care folks, and have a wee on me

Oh UpsideDown I'm so sorry. I don't know what else to say, other than take care of yourself - this bit before the funeral is fucking awful, I remember, and even more so when you have a crazy parent who acts out their feelings. I hope you can take some comfort from the fact that your dad is now free from all the drama, and when you talked about him on the thread here it was clear that you guys were close and all your mother's stuff had no effect on that. Really hope you bear up OK over these days and weeks.

I'm sorry for your loss upsidedown x

I feel really bad jumping in with my problems but I can't sleep from anxiety so I'm hoping just getting something down will help

I've posted a few times previously about my situation DM, DGM and DB have been NC for 2 1/2 years since DM had an almighty hissy fit for reasons unexplained the day after my wedding.

At first I tried being the bigger person and sent gifts etc. However finally decided last year that NC was probably best and they were doing me favour.

Then I got pregnant, after a less than enthusiastic response from DM and some advice on here I decided and dh agreed that we should go back to NC and not include them any further in the pregnancy.

We've been ticking along nicely when today i've received a call from my step father, I missed the first call so had dh call him back in case someone was ill/dead.

Apparently he'd decided to call without DMs knowledge to speak to me as they don't understand why I'm excluding them and she feels upset that she is missing out on my pregnancy and her grand child.

He also said she's upset that my step mother is "flavour of the month" because she posted in a group message of a scan picture that she was getting the knitting needles out how someone else being excited is my fault god only knows?!

DH was rubbish on the phone just agreeing with him and not standing up for me at all and said he'd talk to me! We then had a heated discussion as despite having agreed to NC previously he now thinks that I should call DM and give her another chance?!

Personally I feel the bit she's upset about missing is the chance to splash it all over Facebook for her friends to see what a wonderful grandmother she is, my cousin had a baby this morning and my aunt has been posting pictures all day. I don't think her sudden pangs of sadness are unrelated?!

I also find the comment about SM shows how petty she is, she's showed no bloody enthusiasm herself but is upset when someone else does!?! I've not had the best relationship with SM but she does seem genuinely happy for us and excited about the baby.

I'm now laying awake feeling like a terrible person and wondering if I should give her a chance to be a grand mother, we live 4 hours away so it's not like they'll be here every weekend and I could control contact.

My brain is screaming that it's an awful idea but the FOG still niggles and dh is not helping - he has the Indian cultural FOG towards all elders and this seems to be clouding his current judgement on the situation. Plus I don't think he really believes anyone could be that Batshit crazy he thinks we're both too proud to talk to each other?!

Sorry for the mini novel! Someone please slap the FOG out of me!

ssd, that book toomuchtooold linked to is really good.
Upsidedown, I am very sorry for your loss. If your mum can't get over her anger with you when your dad has died then that is really sad. He was your Dad after all.
Fuzzy, you mum had a hissy after your wedding because she was jealous. She had a hissy about the knitting needles because she is jealous. She cannot stand it that someone else is paying attention to you, that is not what she wants for you, she wants the attention and she wants you ignored. Your husband has ignored your boundaries a bit, and you have them for very good reasons. It is easy to get fluffy emotionally because there is a baby on the way, and he is probably reacting to the arrival by wishing the baby had grandparents in its life, but this is a wish, it doesn't make the reality any less real. There is a very good reason why your NM shouldn't have your baby in her life. Perhaps you could reinforce to your DH things that happened to you when you were a child, and ask him if he wants the same for his child. He is being very naive. I ditched my NM on Facebook because it was the perfect vehicle for her to look like a parent, and when it was taken away that's pretty much all there was to the relationship. Your DH needs to see that your abuse started early. My stepbrother is like your DH, keeps texting me saying my mother misses me and "Haven't we all been c*s to each other at some time?". So I replied, " "was I a c** age 7, brother, when I was left alone with my very poorly grandmother and she had a stroke in front of me, and I still have no idea where my parents were for hours and hours?"
No, I was not. And neither are you, for insert example of many and various examples of your abuse Bring the discussion back to when you were a child.
Stick to your guns, do not let them anywhere near your baby. Your experience counts, not your husbands. Override this crap.

What dogdays said, Fuzzy. i think you have an accurate read on the situation. Some thoughts: nice of your mother to employ tour SF as a flying monkey, and she seems to have forgotten who it was who went NC, which is handy as she can now blame you instead of apologizing. Expect more bullshit like that to come. Then, doesn't she feel the slightest bit bad that she was happy to exclude you right up to the point where you did something she could brag about to her friends? I mean she's not even trying to pretend that she missed you.

I cut contact with my mother when my kids were 3. It was 3 years of her turning up and being a total shit to me, picking favourites with the kids, sending age inappropriate trashy presents we had to hide and throw out before the kids could see them, and then in the end a little go at triangulation between me and my DH which was the last straw. There was not a single good thing that she brought and I'm ashamed that I gave her so much opportunity to fuck up my kids. Luckily they were too young to listen to her but I still regret it. In your shoes I would stay NC and not feel guilty. Your issue is with your DH though - he needs to be convinced that its the right thing to do, or at least convinced to let you handle it

Es, they only ever show up when there is something they can brag about and take credit for. My NM turned up for every graduation and party that we siblings ever had, loads of pictures, loads of schmoozing all our guests so she looked like a brilliant parent, basically a PR exercise all my life, that was her behaviour. Yeah she'll look the part for a while.

Remember it takes 5 seconds for abuse to happen with a child. An example of that for me is when I saw my NM lean into my niece at a wedding (niece was 10), and said to her (I find out years later) "Your Aunty Dogdays has a problem with drug abuse and that is why she doesn't have a husband or children"

I was 35, just come out of a pretty good long-term relationship but there was no real spark, got two degrees, travelled the world, had a nice flat and a job related to my studies at last. Niece was very guarded with me for years and only until we had a conversation as adults did the penny drop.

5 second job. Be on your guard.

I have been nc with my tm and sis for over three years now. I couldn't be happier without them in my life however my ds (8) misses them alot. He asks to see them regularly even though they hurt him too (too young to really understand and remember) my tm in her past has thrown me down the stairs, used me as a punchbag, borrowed stole money and things from me, her last words were I hope you get divorced you money grabbing whore and end up miserable in a council house with your three brats totally alone. This was followed by a ton of swearing! It has taken me over 35 years to realise what she is/what they have done. My sis is golden child still lives at home at almost 40 she has plenty of issues too. I would move if I could but we have a lovely home kids are settled in school etc they only live 3 miles away. I have only seen them once in the three years of nc and that was when I drove through their village. I got the finger from her my other children were only 2 at the time so can't remember them thankfully! I have no intention of ever communicating with them ever again and feel so much better for it! It's just a bit hard for my son to comprehend. Anyway it's nice but sad to see a thread with so many others going through similar X

Oh my Christ, she sounds awful. I understand that it must be hard for the little one missing having a grandparent in his life (if only he knew what you'd spared him). I had no contact with GPs too, I knew as a young one that they were craycray, mostly because they kept locking us into the parlour when their mates came round, passing in the occasional plate of biscuits like we were in solitary. But I do think I missed out on contact with that generation as a whole and I feel I've always been looking for grandparent figures. I got my supply of missing out on parents by going out with emotionally distant men just like my father and having female friends just like my mother but I digress. Is there anybody in your family or circle that could be a kindly older person to your kid? I really just wanted someone like that in my life, someone who would just be my friend and spoil me a bit. I still feel like that but I volunteer in a charity shop for my old lady kicks these days, it's lovely.

I just wanted to thank you all for allowing me to bang on about my mum and her nastiness, and also for all your kind thoughts on my recent bereavement. Got some for anyone who fancies one . I also want to thank those who sent their kind thoughts on death of my dad. I feel the love between my dad and I was so good that he gave me the strength to carry on. In effect, I loved him enough to let go and continue my life.

Fuzzy, please don't feel bad about jumping in, it can be a great distraction to concentrate my thoughts and offer sympathy to others who are also going through a bad time. After all, we're just going through different, albeit upsetting, events and your feelings are just as valid as mine. On a more positive note, I've got the perfect excuse to eat some chocolate/cake for breakfast

Your DH may not think that your mum could be so toxic, but you should ask him why he agreed with you to go NC with your mum in the first place. IYSWIM, there has to be something there to come to such a conclusion. An inkling that she is actually a toxic person.

Dogdays unfortunately dh parents and sister don't like to be involved too much as they find the twins and ds hard work! We try very hard to keep them all happy and entertained and but we do find it frustrating (more for them than us) how do you explain to children who see other gps being so involved that yours aren't and never will be! Anyway thanks for listening to my inner struggles and hugs and strength to all of you X

Hi all

Just wanted to let out some stuff.

I recently had a couple of counselling sessions about some stuff that I've never been able to take a step back from and view objectively - because I've been too in the midst of it all.

Since having my children, I've been aware of how everything out of her mouth is either a criticism of me, my husband or my children. She even criticises people she knows nothing about! I find it exhausting and the unsurprising thing is that I have low self esteem. Ive been through phases of heavy drinking and unsuitable men before dh. and I am working on my confidence still.

She was like this growing up but I guess I just saw it as normal. Her way is to poke fun at people and if you get offended then you're oversensitive and she was only joking.

I can't deal with it any more. I know she had a difficult childhood and a sister with mental health issues which I guess explains the attempts at humour to lighten the mood.

But I feel so worn down with it.

The therapist said it sounds like she is a strong and opinionated woman who is used to being in control (control freak yes) and she could tell by the way I talked that I was more sensitive and empathetic....and that those two personality types would always grate on each other.

One example. I guess a straw poll of people who know me would say I'm reasonably attractive. It came as a surprise to me as an adult to realise that I do like the way I look.

My mother has, growing up and still, criticised my weight...my hair...my makeup...my clothes..she has rarely, if ever, complimented me.

She now criticises my friends, my parenting, my tidiness, just everything.

We are going to stay with them for a fortnight (unchangeable) and im so anxious. They are so focused on themselves - my father has had severe health issues for 30 years so I understand this - that they have forgotten how to be supportive and unselfish. When my children were born they stayed within a day and she was criticising the fact I didn't want to go for a walk when I had an o.p. back to back birth that took two days, and was so tired I was hallucinating. With that birth as well my father wanted me to commit to birthday plans for my mother and I didn't know if I'd be pregnant, in labour or with a newborn.

One moment of wtf am I doing was baking a cake because they told me they were coming for a birthday lunch. I could hardly walk.

I am shocked and saddened by the review of the past few years I've done. And the realisation that I've not had love or support in the way I should have.

The therapist is telling me techniques to deal with her. Lately all I've been doing is snapping at her and I can hear myself sounding like a bitch but she makes me so defensive. Has anyone heard about the invisible jacket technique? Does it work?

Hi, I'm sorry I didn't get to reply, time ran away with me before the weekend.

Steve It's understandable for you to feel down when you are suffering from a chronic condition and with the added stress heaped upon you by your mother's MH. Is your DW supportive.

My mother too used to step it up a gear when I was at my most vulnerable. I suffered with Hyperemesis Gravidarum with all 4 of my pregnancies with pregnancy no3 being by far the worst. I was bed ridden for 8 weeks as at the time we were living in a house that was quite damp. The whole house, except our bedroom smelled of damp and with my heightened sense of smell I just couldn't bear it. It was an awful time, being sick in my sleep, the shower........I couldn't even have a cover or sheets on by bed as I couldn't bear the smell of the washing powder. I was dehydrated and couldn't hold anything down. My GP was threatening to send me to hospital but I refused as I felt I just would not be able to bear the different smells. I was on anti sickness medication that made me drowsy too.

I received a phone call from my mother one morning and she told me that it didn't smell in my house, it was all in my head and I'd have to get out of bed sometime. Later in the same phone call she said she would come and clean the house to get rid of the smell!
I also had to have my first C-section with that pregnancy due to DC2 weighing 10lb 14oz and I tore very badly. It wasn't really my decision, I was told to by a Colorectal Surgeon that if I tore like that again I would be left incontinent from the back passage.
I was really scared about the op and my mother went ballistic saying that they were giving me the easiest option. She tried her hardest to put me off.

Keep posting here, it's what this thread is about. Like you I only have my other half to offload too so I usually turn to this thread when things get too much for me to deal with or I don't want to put upon DH anymore.

Attila I made it through the weekend.

Firstly, on Friday my DH had a run in with his mother. He had to pull in to a layby to let cars passed (rural lanes) and his mother was the last vehicle to go through and she blocked him in so he couldn't drive off. He eventually wound his window down and she says "When is it convenient for us to come down and give DC3 her present?". So DH replied something along the lines of "Are you for f-ing real? After all the shit that you've put us through.". She then goes on to say "I thought we'd got passed all of that". WHAT???? Anyway, with this DH let rip. Told her that there is no way on earth they are coming to our house to give DC3 her birthday present or ever seeing the DC ever again. That she had some nerve after the way they behave locking him out of workshops, barns etc so as not to let him have access to his work equipment etc, her reply to that........"you shouldn't have been helping yourself to our stuff"!!!! Absolutely unbelievable. She then went on to say that "just because we've fallen out doesn't mean that DC's3&4 should have to suffer". DH told her he never wanted to have anything to do with them again and to move out of his way (obviously there were a few more swear words involved in the conversation). She started to set off again into a rant so he said he just shouted over the top of her to just move out of his way, so she eventually did.

DH feels much better for having got a few things off his chest. It's been a long time coming as he's never got that angry with either of his parents (not to their faces anyway).
We've had messages from DH's grandparents left on our home phone directly for DC3 on her birthday. TBH they are just as toxic.

I just wonder what is coming next. I know it is. If I thought they were deluded before there is no doubt in my mind now. Did they truly think that they could (and we would agree) to them coming to our house to give DC3 her present? I really wouldn't put anything passed them.

As for the wedding and my mother. She was on top form in terms of over the top hugs and kisses to all the rest of the family (my aunt, uncles etc) as if to say "look how close I am to these people".
In the evening I was at the bar and my SF came up so I asked if I could buy him a drink. Anyway he was getting one for himself and my mother so I paid for them so as not to be petty. My mother came up to me afterwards and said "thanks for the drink mampam", I just looked at her in a 'I don't give a flying shit' kind of way and said "don't worry about it". She walked off and DH and I burst out laughing as it was so predictable, she had obviously been waiting for the opportunity all day to say something to me
Later on my uncle says that my nan had seen us talking, so I just told him what happened and let rip about her. I told him that I had made my peace within myself that I never want anything to do with her.
He then divulged a few things that I never knew ........... he and my aunt (his and my mother's sister) had to apologise to my mother after they had gone NC with her because she was putting so much on my elderly nan (when my GF died 16 years ago, my mother hit the bottle which accentuated her nastiness as the problems were always there. She would spend hours on the phone every evening to anyone who answered and no one could ever get a word in edgeways as she was pissed and continually talking about the same crap, how granddads death affect her, how she was there for everyone else but no one was there for her. Typical Narc). She was calling my nan, obviously upsetting her and going on about my aunt and uncle not wanting anything to do with her. My nan confided in my uncle that she couldn't take it anymore and just wanted to "be with dad". So my uncle described how he and my aunt had to apologise to her. Unbelievable. He also admitted that he and my other uncle both regularly discuss how they are so pleased they emigrated to Australia so they are "out of it". They take it in turns to come home every other year to see my nan so can deal with it on a 2 yearly basis. Lucky for some hey?!

ssd my two youngest DC are in the same boat as yours are, the only family they have are NC ones. Where as my eldest DC have their family on their dad's side.
TBH the youngest DC don't know any different and I'm sure yours won't either. I understand the guilt factor of it all though.

Givenup My mother criticised me too about everything and anything. If anyone else ever complimented me she would shoot it down. i.e. after I had my first baby (was living with her and my SF at the time) my step-aunt came to see the baby and commented that she thought I looked really well and said "I bet you're back in your normal clothes already?" and my mother cut straight in with a venomous "no she's not". I didn't even have to buy maternity clothes when pregnant with DC1 so I was still wearing my 'normal' clothes anyway.
I now know why I have gone through life with absolutely zero self esteem. I don't have much now but I definitely started to build it up when I went NC with my mother almost 6 years ago.

I've never heard of the invisible jacket technique but if it works for you then great. I was always on the defensive with my mother. I always felt so frustrated and angry inside that I could never stand up to her or get my point across. Like you I found myself behaving in ways I didn't want to, putting myself out for her, spending hours cleaning my house before she came over despite not really having the time. The only way I could deal with it was to go NC with her but it's not something that I just decided to do as I'd been NC with her many times before and used to look at them as little breaks to recoup. The last time was different, something just clicked inside me and I knew enough was enough and I knew I'd never go back.

Is there really no way you can get out of going to stay with your parents? Could your therapist help you come up with a solution?

Been lurking on here for a while now. I just want to know if you've had something terrible and tragic happen to you. Is it OK to be abusive and violent to others? And to use it as an excuse to continue to be that way.
I feel so sad reading these stories and I am seeing my nieces in years to come with all these issues you all have.
I have now gone nc with this person for my own sanity and that of my dcs.
for you all x