"But we took you to Stately Homes" - survivors of dysfunctional and toxic families

[pocketsaviour]

It's February 2016, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011
November 2011
January 2012
November 2012
January 2013
March 2013
August 2013
December 2013
February 2014
April 2014
July 2014
Oct 14 – Dec 14
Dec 14 – March 15
March 2015 - Nov 2015
Nov 2015 - Feb 2016

Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.

This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' see original thread here (December 2007)

So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.

You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.

'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.

I started with this book and found it really useful.

Here are some excerpts:

"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.

Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.

YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."

"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites

Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker

Some books:

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione

This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:

"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support."

Toomuch, I just hate the thought that I am wrong and she is actually hurting, but she's had enough chances and I've tried to talk to her many times.

Oh yes I definitely am, always thinking of perhaps if I didn't do this or that then maybe it wouldn't have come to this. I just don't think I can get my head round the fact a mother could truly feel that way about their child having children myself, so I guess it's not surprising other people struggle to understand x

Stately, I may be completely wrong in this advice her but these are my thoughts. Do they still treat you badly now? If they have managed to become better parents and treat you well now I'd probably let or go but if they are still treating you like crap then just walk away as it's not worth it and you can't have a relationship with people like that. As I said I may be completely wrong but I just personally would still have contact with my mother now if she didn't still treat me badly. For me it's more to do with her behaviour now than my childhood although that was crap and where it all started xxx

I think you are right AtLast. So sorry you had to cut ties with your Mum, that must be hard even when she has behaved so badly. I guess my parents are no more annoying now than any other old couple who are very set in their ways. I just thought I dealt with all the crap and recent events have opened up old wounds....I need to move on, I'm impatient to do so, I hate having these angry feelings swirling around my head, I feel very conflicted.

I guess it's a feeling of well you didn't take take of me when I was young and vulnerable so why should I do it for you when you are old and vulnerable. If it is really affecting your mental health then just don't do it. You don't owe them anything. You do these things if you want to not because you have to xxx

Well, damn. My mother has found out a piece of information identifying where we live (not the full address) and to do this would have meant going to some trouble and enlisting a friend's help. As she's a covert narc, this is quite a big move for her. I think this is the time for me to have a word with the kids' nursery and just make sure that they are alert to only letting DH or me pick up the kids. I don't know if she would do anything but we've relied till now on the fact that she didn't know where we are, and you know, through a lifetime of me placating and pandering to her she was still extremely unpleasant. I really wouldn't be surprised by anything.

Sounds a bit scary, toomuch hope you are OK. I think it would be a good idea to tighten up security generally if you think she might cause trouble.
Mine has gone the other way and seems to have taken the "they are dead to me" route. A relief but hurtful nevertheless. Peaceful though.

Hello all. I'm an intermittent visitor, less so now l've been NC with DM for last 3 years. Today l had a big birthday. And this week and today in particular l've felt bereft, as if bereaved. I got an arms length letter from my godmother and feel so sad that protecting myself from my mum means l have had to be so alone and the bad one, rather than any of my family or extended family acknowledging in private they can see how she is. I am shouldering a lot for my kids. It feels like today l've reverted to being a five year old and wishing a magic wand would be waved and l could be a child, rather than an adult in every situation.

That's it really. I feel so much better than when l was in contact with them. But it's lonely dealing with these feelings, and though l broke down and told my colleagues some of it yesterday, they were so aghast and way off target in what they could say.. I am very grateful that this is a group where l see my story echoed in so many other ones.

Hello all. Long time lurker who has found this very helpful. I am just wondering if anybody else has had the same experience as me and could offer some sage words of advice.

Long story short is my Dad was a classic NPD. He died over 6 years ago and life was/is much better for all family members. Xmas, birthdays, get togethers etc no longer ruined by his outbursts. However, I have started to realise that behaviours he exhibited my Mum is starting to show. Nowhere near to the same extent as him (she's not a shouter) but lacks empathy for anything that happens to me. I had felt terribly sorry for her and generally get on well with her, but over the last 18 months she has triggered terrible feelings of anger and sadness in me because of this dismissiveness. She seems to have mountains of empathy for both my siblings and anybody else, but not me. Nothing terrible had happened to me but I have the usual pressure of young kids, a job, a home to run a husband who works long hours. She refuses to help me at all (but provided mountains of childcare to one sibling) and says this is because I don't need to work and she has raised her family. Just so we are clear my job fits round the kids so I am not talking regular childcare, maybe the odd pick up from school if I have a meeting that runs over (every other month tops). She expects me and my Dh to drop everything for her though, but not the sibling that also lives round the corner becuase he works long hours!

I am now questioning what happened when I was growing up. I have always believed my Dad was the cause of the misery, but I am now begining to wonder if Mum was/is complicit in all of this. It is making me feel very depressed and I feel furious now because I thought i had managed to move on. I have been unable to find anything about other people experiencing this after the death of the person with NPD. Luckily my OH is very understanding about my fractured family relationships but I am begining to think that I might benefit from talking to a therapist (I have done this before and found it very beneficial but this was about 15 years ago). If anybody recognises what I am talking about please let me know as I feel like I might be making it up!

Something happened today that made me realise my brother has had more impact on me than I'd appreciated. A family weekend was planned, older brother not invited and then youngest sister adds him to the conversation and extending an invite. He's unlikely to come but I'm so annoyed she invited him at all. I can feel my heart racing at the thought and I feel really shaky. I don't want to see him, he was a total cunt to me growing up but yet was mum's golden child so could do no wrong. I had no choice but to live in a house from the age of 13-21 with him being both an addict and mentally completely unstable. These days he likes to make shocking sexist and racist comments and uses language that is totally unfit for any child to hear but yet does so in front of my children. No one ever pulls him up on any of this so I end up doing it but then I'm the one being difficult. I basically cut contact a few years ago. I've seen him at a funeral and a Christmas since but not through choice and feel I was somewhat ambushed with regards to the Christmas. To be fair on both of these occasions he was ok but I'm on eggshells around him and would never enjoy myself.

Why do my family not understand this? I've talked to my sister about it and she knows but yet wants to include him.

Autumnmum what you describe has been my experience too. How the landscape changes over time, and once the major distress is gone, other aspects crop up. Once the noise from the roadworks have stopped, l can see the snoring is an issue too.

The issue for me, and what I think l might hear from you, is that no one ever tuned in to my experience. Not my family nor bystanders then, and though l'm an adult, they don't do it with the adult pressures now, though they can go through the motions for others. These parents, they manipulate us to keep us confused and cowed. It isn't t about us or our worth it's about them and how they see relationships. It sounds as if your mum might resent you and your good relaionship with your husband? I have kept being confused by my Dm because l have kept believing she would want the best for me. But if l look at what she does, it becomes clearer, as it would do with a friend who acts this way.

I've found therapy, and Emdr in particular (which is very good for trauma which happens before you are verbal) excellent.

Morning ladies. Anyone for a ???

So I went to see dad yesterday and mum started on me for using the 'f' word of FB, yet if my brothers use it regularly, she says nothing to them. She went on about how my brothers have done so much for me and this is the way I treat them, yet they all know how much I appreciated what they have done for me and I have thanked them for it at the time of the event. It's like I should be constantly grateful for what they've done, so I said to mum that I had asked them, but gave them the opportunity to refuse if they wanted, and that that decision was theirs' and theirs alone. If they didn't want to help, that was fine. We'd just wait a bit longer and save up the money to hire and van and driver.

The best bit was when I told mum that the main reason for doing my driving lessons and passing my test was so that we could move ourselves, as I could drive the van (a XLWB Transit), and won't have to rely on my brothers. She was absolutely furious about that. Her words were, and I quote "Oh yeah, there you go again. You'll never pass your test", which prompted me to mutter to myself "Yeah, just watch this space". I walked out on her as I wasn't going to stay any longer to be slated yet again. My guess is that she wants me to stay dependent on my brothers so that we could stay here until they are ready to move us themselves. By becoming more independent, I'm basically saying that I'm not staying here to be the scapegoat anymore, and so mum has to find someone else that will put up with her abuse.

I never thought I'd say this, but I really cannot stand my mum. Every time I do something to become more independent and less reliant on them (brothers/mum), the more angrier she gets. The angrier she get, the more abusive she gets. Throwing stuff back in my face is one of her favourite party tricks. She also says she hasn't the time to chat to her GC, yet the other day her sister was on the phone for nearly an hour. She'll phone her brother and rant to him for ages about me, yet she can't even pick up the phone to her own GC. I now know where her priorities lie on that one.

I've decided to keep a dignified silence and have adjusted my FB privacy settings so that my family cannot see what I've written. Only because I don't want them to know ANYTHING about me.

I'm almost tearful about the whole saga. DH has opened my eyes regarding my family, as did my lovely late MIL before she died. Can anyone tell me what is a normal amount of contact between siblings and parents in a loving family? My idea of this has been obviously completely skewed because of my upbringing. I mean, I know many women who have a loving relationship with their mums and they contact each other around 1-3 times a week, yet my mum could go way more than a year without contacting us. In fact, mum has contacted me once in the last 3 year. The rest of the phone calls have been initiated by me. I told her that and that's when she said she didn't have time to chat.

I don't know. Even the DC are seeing how mum treats me and they don't particularly like the GM. DD asked me why my mum tells me off all the time. I replied that I didn't know, that she comes off with stuff that was done years back, instead of picking on something more recent.

Your mother was and remains a poor parent and grandparent figure to your DC to boot. Honestly the best thing you can do with your mother and you family of origin is to cut them all off; they bring nothing at all positive into the relationship and your mother persists in making you her scapegoat for her inherent ills.

I am not surprised your DC do not like their grandmother; she sounds bloody awful frankly and not worth bothering with. They need to be shown by you that this treatment of you is unacceptable and not to be tolerated.

As far as I am aware those in my social circle who have more emotionally healthy relationships with their parents seem to contact them around once a week. Length of visits vary (usually an afternoon) but no-one encroaches on each other's space and time, people are listened to and acknowledged (yes I am looking at you MIL who hardly ever acknowledges my presence either via phone during my increasingly rare visits to the horrible woman!. You are really not fit to tie my DHs shoes, you did a good job on him cos he still thinks the world of you. And do not get me started on my useless waste of oxygen BIL who still lives with her).

Good luck with your driving test but if you do not pass try, try and try again. You will get there in the end and more lessons are not a bad thing at all.

Thanks for the tea; have some . Am sorry its only virtual.

Thanks for the cake Atilla, much appreciated. At least, being a virtual slice, I can eat as much as I want and still stay slim (not that I am slim by any measure ).

Anyway, the problem is that mum and dad live in the same house. So that means I will have to face her most times that I'm round there to see dad. I hate it TBH. Every time I go to see dad, mum makes me feel very uncomfortable. By that I mean that I'm always on tenderhooks waiting for her to start bitching at me. Unfortunately due to the anxiety she has cause me, I don't do well at confrontation and am liable to tell her to fuck off. Fortunately, for mum, I am incredibly restrained and will walk away rather than tell her a few home truths. I really don't see the point in engaging with her because she'll probably deny everything, then twist it round to make me out to be the bad one. She has done that to me for as long as I can remember.

I remember defending myself against my brother and when mum came in to where we were, she smacked me and blamed me for starting the fight, whereas my brother would get a telling off from her, and that was it for him. Dad, on the other hand, would ask a few questions to determine who started it and would give my brother merry hell for being an antagonistic little bugger. It got to the point where I just stayed in my room and didn't associate with my brothers so I could rarely get the blame. Most of the time I was in my room crying because I honestly thought that no-one iked me. I stopped going out and became a recluse, and so my social skills deteriorated due to the lack of socialisation. My brothers all had their friends to stay, whereas I was denied any sleepovers.

The more I look back on my life as a child and teenager, the more I get angry at how mum treated me. On another note, I'm going to my GP to ask about being assessed for ADHD and autism. My friend, who deals with kids with ADHD and who are on the spectrum has said many times that I should see my GP about it as she has noticed that I avoid eye contact with people I'm talking to (I always have done), I don't have meltdowns, but get very anxious and agitated when talking to my mum (she has witnessed how mum speaks to me and how she treats me) and a few other mannerisms that I do which makes her think I may well be autistic.

The ADHD is also something she thinks I should be assessed for as I am very energetic, am up at 4.30am every morning and am on the go to bed until around 10.30 at night. I'm always doing something and the only time I stop is either at the computer for a short while or when I'm sleeping. My friend asked if I struggled at school, so I told her that I was easily distracted and struggled with keeping attention. She said that this would have been epressing itself when I was young and asked if my mum had picked up on it. I said that she hadn't or knew something was wrong and didn't do anything about it. I found out that dad knew about something being wrong but mum was adamant that I wasn't going to the GP and dismissed my dad's worries as me being a naughty child (she rarely went to the GP herself, so I reckon that she may have thought we shouldn't go either).

So in essence, I could have been taken for assessment and had better support at school, but mum have me seen by the GP, nevermind being referred by him. That said, I remember hearing dad arguing with mum about getting me seen by the GP, but again, mum dismissed him. Dad argued with mum a lot about her treatment of me and told her that she shouldn't be treating me like shit compared to my brothers. She went ballistic and told him that if he ever spoke to her like that again, she'd leave him, take us with her and he'd never see us again. Dad, being ex-police, knew that there was no chance as mum was a raging problem drinker, so it would be more likely that we could decide who we wanted to live with andhow he'd be seen as the one to take better care of us. Mum was the type that if she didn't get her way, she threw things at dad (mainly crockery).

I need to stop here as I'm getting angry. I need to go and cuddle my fat staffies and calm down. They always do a good job of distracting my thoughts and directing them to more loving thoughts toward my DC, DH and them Time for a cuddle, but I'll be back.

FuckThis, there's always that inkling that something in these people may change. It's that one thing that keeps us hanging on in hope that we are right. Deep down we know the person is unlikely to change so sometimes we need to stop overthinking and just go NC. Life is about taking chances to help us make our lives better. Sometimes those chances we take can work out great or sometimes they don't work out at all, but we can chalk these fails up to experience and learn from them.

Just been reading through the last few pages and as ever, I'm astounded by how awful some parents are, at times I feel twinges of recognition and also in awe of the sane and commonsense advice given. I don't have any good advice though I'm afraid. I just need to vent I think.

I've been here in the past but I've NC. I can't talk to anyone in RL because although everyone (siblings and family friends) understands that my parents are annoying, no one understands how upset my Dad makes me.

He's always been self absorbed and a victim. My mother has always been verbally abusive to him (arguments and threats to leave used to wake me up as a child) and whilst I was her golden child, I still don't remember a lot of genuine warmth from them. I have never felt loved.

On paper this doesn't make sense. They are very religious, god-fearing people and Dad would do anything for anyone. We play happy families. But as an example, this is how our conversation went this morning (I live abroad from them and phone them out of guilt once a month or so):

Dad: Oh hi, hi, hi, how are you?
Me: I"m well, yeah, I....
Dad: oh it's good to hear from you. Hey, I went and played golf....(this goes on for 20 minutes without a break, full of stories of how people think highly of him and how humbled he is that everyone loves him)

Dad: How's work?
Me: Good, yeah, I...
Dad: Do you still know....? He's doing a high up job in... (same job as me but I don't think Dad has clocked this). Then he starts to preach at me about God and how to live, and give me unsolicited advice such as "Make sure you enjoy your time with your sister when she comes to visit". I lie about going to church as this reduces the preaching. I've lied about everything since I was 14 as I have been judged constantly.

In 41 minutes I think I'd be lucky to have spoken for a total of 1 minute. I hung up and sobbed. It's the utter lack of interest in me (although he genuinely thinks he is) or in anything I do. I mentioned that I"m learning an instrument and he said, "Oh, are you? I didn't know" - to which I replied "You never ask" (I'm never normally that blunt). He then went on about how he has so many faults blah blah blah. But still didn't ask anything about it, or me.

I'd like to be able to say it's his old age. But he's been like this ever since I can remember.

This is going to sound harsh but it's honest: I feel emotionally raped by him. I feel as though I only exist so he can feel better/good; and how I feel, what I need or what I want is irrelevant and unacknowledged. I am simply there to serve his needs, and have no right to have any of my own.

He would cry and be heartbroken if he knew I felt like this. And then I'd have to fucking mop him up. I've had enough now and I wish he was dead so that I wouldn't have to deal with his neediness any longer. I don't have the capacity to be his emotional post any longer. I've been crying on and off all day, over eating and now want to drink a bottle of wine. My nails are torn and bleeding from being bitten and scratched. Those old feelings of worthlessness are back on the rampage. I can't cut him out as he won't understand and just be hurt and I'd feel guilty as hell.

If you've made it this far, thanks. I just needed to say it somewhere.

cinnamon, what a self absorbed person he is. You know that joke...

"That's enough about me. Let's talk about you now. So, do you think of me?"

Sums up people like that. Nothing comes close to the interest they have in themselves

My parents are dead. Other than on this thread, I never say "Thank goodness". People who don't understand would hate me for saying so. I don't mean I was glad when they died. But so much tension disappeared

Telling the truth from your angle on here takes away some of the sting

Look after yourself

Thanks marchate. I just needed to say it somewhere. Thankfully my DSIL understands and we could talk about it this morning. He's emotionally controlling and judgemental, whilst demanding attention and approval at all times. He's only ever seen me as an extension of himself (at times not even using my name, but referring to me as 'daughter') and he has that dewy-eyed nostalgia about the family and 'how wonderful it is', whilst at the same time being passive-aggressive about my mother (who to be fair, is a narc bitch), saying to me that being with her makes him suicidal - and yet he won't bloody leave because 'as a Christian he has to love her like Christ did - sacrificially'. What a cop-out. He hasn't got the balls. So he is miserable and self-absorbed and everyone else carries his burden for him.

I would like to grieve him and get it over with, but as he's still alive it opens the fresh wound every time I talk to him.

Thanks to everyone who gave me advice the other day... I've been mulling it over and think you may be right, but not sure I can bring myself to go NC. I suppose I'm just hopeful that things will change and I will get the genuine pride and affection we should all get from our parents.

Interestingly, I confided in a few close friends about my post on here and they did not seem surprised about the NC suggestions, even though they are all from loving, supportive families and don't have to deal with NPD or have any knowledge about it, apart from what I have told them. I would have thought they would be horrified by the idea of NC, so feel a little validated that they are starting to see DM for the person she is. I have felt a bit reluctant in the past to share details about what she has done for fear of being accused of overreacting/being over-sensitive/making it up! I think this is a sign that I need to be more open with people.

thanks for the support this thread gives to so many people x

Just jumping in to say cinnamon your dad sounds just like mine. The hours I have spent on the phone to him while he drones on about himself (REALLY boring stuff) never asking about me. When I was younger he used to call me for advice on how to put up with my mother during one of their many arguments and I felt responsible as if I was supposed to be like their relationship counsellor.

And I have always been the emotional crutch for my mother, she is very needy on one hand but then can be very cruel on the other. I have almost played a maternal role to her, advising and listening to her problems even at a young age. Looking back it was unhealthy and wrong and as their daughter that was not my role. Particularly as they completely ignored my own emotional needs. In fact was selfish to have needs of my own!
Now that I am having bad problems of my own (separating from an abusive ex), she seems perturbed that I do not have the energy to sit listening to her medical conditions for hours on end anymore and is being so unsupportive it is not true. I do get some sympathetic 'oh dears', but my father (being abusive himself) clearly wants me away from them in light of this situation and the threat that I pose to his own power trip. My father has now adjusted their home phone so that it is on loudspeaker every time anyone calls so that he can hear/monitor everything that is said to my mother. He is a horrible bully, which makes me feel confused sometimes as my mother is clearly in a contolling abusive marriage but why is she horrible to me? She also thinks the sun shines out of my Dad's backside and the world revolves around him. He always comes first, before the children. She said it and we always knew it.

This morning she was trying to be sympathetic about the situation but then said that I had 'let myself go', and I need to get myself 'sorted' so that ex oh can see what he is missing. Translation - he is probably treating you like shit because you are not attractive enough so make an effort and hopefully you will be back with your abusive ex even though he hits you and hates you and tells you he has not respect for you.
I know that this is the case because she shouted in my face once to say 'no wonder he gets drunk and doesn't come home just look at the state of you!'.
It just really upsets me.

Hi cinnamon your dad sounds similar to my mum (almost 2 years NC) with the endless monologues about herself and no interest in me apart from to control. Very hard to deal with.

What I've found with a lot of narc victims is that they are often convinced that they are overreacting/being dramatic to the emotional and mental manipulation, control and abuse. It's the way of the narc to do this then tell you over many years that you're being silly/overdramatic/oversensitive. If they repeat it enough, the victim tends to believe it to an extent. That said, there is usually a little bit of doubt, in minds of many victims, that they are not being oversensitive/overreactive etc.

The thing is, the narc and their blinded flying monkeys don't get to decide whether you're upset or not. That's for you and you only to decide. So although you may be less thick-skinned than them, you're no less a person for it. And don't let them tell you otherwise.

I'm having a tough time and need to vent, hope that's ok.

I'm still waiting for a new therapist, with no idea when I will be allocated. I'm seriously afraid of MH problems, my mother has some and I am not being associated like that.

Following my sexual assault as a kid I self harmed, nobody has ever known. I can feel myself slipping down towards self harm again.

The voices are getting louder and I simple cannot cope.

Hi Steve, I've been struggling with wanting to self harm whilst having counselling, my counsellor suggested this it's a link to rethink's pdf about self harm. I hope it is of some use.

Steve

Please - I've just checked this thread after a while away and I'm worried about you. Is there someone you can speak to in real life?

The Samaritans are on 116 123. They are wonderful.

Can you call your GP first thing in the morning and speak to him/her?

You don't have to go through this on your own. You're not alone.