"But we took you to Stately Homes" - survivors of dysfunctional and toxic families

[pocketsaviour]

It's February 2016, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011
November 2011
January 2012
November 2012
January 2013
March 2013
August 2013
December 2013
February 2014
April 2014
July 2014
Oct 14 – Dec 14
Dec 14 – March 15
March 2015 - Nov 2015
Nov 2015 - Feb 2016

Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.

This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' see original thread here (December 2007)

So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.

You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.

'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.

I started with this book and found it really useful.

Here are some excerpts:

"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.

Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.

YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."

"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites

Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker

Some books:

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione

This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:

"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support."

It isn't fair that we have pain and damage to heal that isn't our fault. But when I'm doing well I sometimes see my F and the shell of a person he is propping himself up with all this behaviour and demands and I see everyone else fluttering around this black hole he creates. All weirdly indebted and tied in, dependent and I feel sorry for the lot of them. They are like cut outs desperately playing roles.

Just this week I'm having some guilt and fear issues and scared I'll be annihilated if I dont play my expected role right. It will pass and I'll breathe again.

It's not about having a backbone, and as Hissy has said before, you shouldn't need a "backbone" with loved ones, they should be treating you better than anyone else, not worse, you shouldn't have to become tough just to be able to stand their company, how warped would that be?

Helipad I know exactly what you mean. I let them treat my children like shit, push my husband out as if he didn't matter, let her attend the births of my children etc etc just well I guess so we didn't argue and I just thought it was how it should be, for a quiet life......how awful of me, feel so guilty for the way I have let them affect my family when I should have been protecting them. Makes me feel like a failure but at the same time I also keep doubting myself thinking I'm the problem. Think I'm going to start writing down all the times my mother, brother and father have done something narcissistic as I remember them. It's hard to realise what's going on as they programmed you to be a certain way and know where to push those buttons that keep you small and apologetic and looking at yourself. I hate being thought of as selfish and judgemental but I know that's because she has told me I am over and over. One of her finishing lines to me was "I know you are all about your own happiness but you have to care about other people too" had that going round my head for ages and she knew it'd have that affect.

Sorry I start writing and it all spills out, sorry if I make no sense at times lol xxx

Good it was warped for years though, every annual summer holiday visit (they live in another country) I kept telling myself that just be patient, ignore the shit, be accommodating (at a heavy personal expense, didn't see my old friends or other relatives during these visits because of this). I kept doing this because I felt guilty for moving to another country and hence being responsible for her feelings.

Now after 18 months NC, I really do not wish to see them ever again. But I do feel that makes me a bad person and I should give them a chance, especially if my M approaches me (she hasn't so far). It's so fucked up sometimes

Goodtobetter that is so true. You shouldn't need a backbone with family, it should be where you can etc your guard down and feel comfortable not come away feeling drained and on the verge of a breakdown. I read somewhere of a comparison to a dementor, in that they suck all the happiness out and leave you with only bad feelings, it's so true. I was referring to my mother as voldamum (to closest people to me) but now it's demumter, guess a little humour helps me.....

I like your voldemum and demumtor I need to come up with one that works for fathers

Helipad, I'm glad it's not just me. I thought it couldn't possibly be normal, but there's no shortage of emotion and affection within me for my DH, my gorgeous children or lovely friends.

I just look at my parents now and think, "I don't care. I'm not interested." I've decided having pondered it for a day that it's actually a positive sign. It means I've detached from them. I have a real sense of self. Myself which is separate from them. I've disentangled.

Now we need to continue working on developing confidence, self esteem and figuring who we really are.

hello everyone, havent posted for last week because ive felt really ok !
ok about not seeing my family , narc so called mother , enabler father and so called sister (prob in denial, prob abused too but benefits from so called mothers attention).
so I've survived xmas , family events and flying monkeys, other family members for the first time have been witness to the chaos and left scratching their heads, one person has actually said to my scm that if she mentions her again in the behaviour towards me that she will have nothing more to do with her. Best i can hope for, i like this family member and do understand why she doesnt want the pain of going nc, but still hard .

anyway last night i had a very painful conversation from mscm 's flying monkey. my father is elderly , often confused , has a very poor child background and poss learning difficulties , he enabled but only through ignorance i believe. He called asking about the eldest grandchild (8) and when they could see her, i stuck to my usual script , v busy , not good idea with things that have been said, i then asked where scm was , he sometimes rings when she is out, no this time she was sat in a chair next to him , " would i like a word?" he asked ? i was so shook i said no and cut the call short and ended it.

So everything is stirred up again , have had hardly any sleep and events have been playing over , i suppose i need some validation about the abuse because for many years i was in my own denial and it hasnt been until my children came along i have had to confront it , but still i find my self validating the abuse with reasons that it was my fault. Im on a bit of a see saw here and dont want a pity party, but im going to write down some events, trying to make it real ?

things i remember :

being given a bag on occasions to put my things in to take with me when the man in the white van came to collect me because she didnt want me anymore. i was under & years and would sit on the step outside , once she told me to start walking so i did and she caught me and smacked me because i had walked off. I dont remember being upset , i remember feeling numb. If i did anything like that to my daughter she would be devastated , i couldn't imagine abandoning her.

being scared of the cellar , i remember being put down there and being "rescued" by a neighbour who shouted at mscm. that was my fault for drawing attention to myself and getting her into trouble. this was later put down to my vivid imagination ? a common abuse tactic i think ?

coming home from school at lunchtime to find her weeping on the stairs, her lover had died ! she was due to leave my dad for this man but he hadnt shown up , his sister had called with the news after finding my scm number. I dont believe anyone else knows this and we have never spoken about it since. i remember at the time being shocked and worried about my dad but that didnt seem to register with scm , it was all her pain.

Being told i was the pretty one but once anyone got to know me they wouldnt want me , this affected me for many years.

being strangled on the bedroom floor and being bought round with water being thrown over me , kept off school so bruising wouldnt be seen.

Being put on diazapam at 11 in an attempt to control me ???

watching my birthday toys smashed because of some misdemeaner , she will tell everyone how much i hated my birthday parties, hmm i wonder why ? i still find any form of attention on me as nerve wracking, happily I enjoy doing parties for my own children and watching their fun.

being told " you wait till you have children and then if you have one half as bad as you you will know what you put me through"
I do have two lovely children , everyone thinks they are lovely, the 8 year old can be stroppy , the 2 year old is practising her assertiveness , i love them both and when they are having their tricky times i want to hug them hard so they know how much i love them and want them.

most recently because i started saying no and asking her to change her behaviour towards me i have been lied about , saying i told her she shouldnt attend a family event because of leaving my father , she used me as an excuse and to put me in a bad light when actually i arranged for someone to look in on my dad so she could go.

never looks me in the face , turns her cheek when i go to kiss goodbye, tells me my academic achievements dont make me better than her, i never thought they did , but my success as a parent and wife does !

asking very personal questions that could only hurt , despite being asked not to, said with a very satisfied look of knowing that would hurt ?

I dont know what i want to achieve from writing all this , i am 46 and have only very recently started to accept that it wasnt my fault , that something was wrong, but i still go through thoughts of " it wasnt that bad , some have it worst, perhaps i was so bad i deserved it"

finally i have requested my medical records to see if she did ask for help with me , and why i was medicated at such a young age. i know it was a different age and may not have been enlightened but i need to look , has anyone reading this done this.

i was by all accounts a very aggressive child , who became a self harming teenager who hardly slept. thankfully i became a happy adult with my own lovely dh , children and friends , and some family. but unfortunately my childhood and my scm behaviour hangs like a ghost in the corner.

finally should I let my father visit my children, he is old and misses them and doesnt i believe have the capacity to understand what has happened

thankyou for reading
best wishes

In answer to your question I would say no to any proposed visit from your dad.

What good would come of it, what would it achieve?.

He also had a poor childhood but he has and continues to fail you abjectly. He failed to protect you from the excesses of her made behaviour. Such weak men also often need someone like his wife to idolise. You are also ok anyway about not seeing anyone like so called mother, he and your sister either.

Morning port you're doing brilliantly . I don't think it matters what age we are when we finally realise what has been done to us and begin to do something about it. I was knocking 50 before I finally stood up to my father. The important thing is that you are beginning to see that none of your scm's opinions and behaviours are 'normal'. You were a tiny child when she began training you. How can any of it be your fault? Abuse is abuse. Nobody ever deserves this. The legacy that was created by scm is testament to how thorough that training was. I've never thought about requesting medical records. Good one.
I don't know what to say about your father. Part of me wants that for you, but only if he came on his own. Could he do that? And not say anything to scm. Could he handle breaking out himself from under her control?
Have a good day today. You deserve that and so much more.

thankyou whiteknife , as ever your support is much appreciated, i know i'll always have periods of doubt its true, because i want there to be another reason , not that i have a mother who doesn't care for me and probably never has.
Attila my father is very weak , he has a learning disability and is very dependent on my scm, she "rescued" him but continued to abuse him , as a child i saw that , he is vulnerable , socially isolated with no family in this country. He has always supported me within his capacity but unable to stand up to mscm, i have no concerns regarding his behaviour to my children but worried that she may use him as a bridge. I dont want my mum to know anything about us or our life , thats why i am nc . but my dad doesn't deserve to miss out , he was always kind but worked away when we were children so didnt know and prob still doesnt the extent of abuse .
i know there is no definitve answer so i'll give it more thought.... i think
best wishes

I still would not allow him to have any form of access to your children even given all that you write of him. Its no excuse and he is also partly culpable. He is still very much under her control and has not managed to break free of it. He gets his needs met out of the relationship he has with your so called mother; he wanted to be rescued by such a person. He has truly failed to protect you from the excesses of her behaviour

Hi all, to everyone.

I am relieved to say that I can finally go completely nc with M. We had to attend a solicitor together to get the finalities of our business sorted. It was terrible, she was incredibly rude to the receptionists and solicitor. It was very embarrassing, I felt like I had to keep apologising for her behaviour. Then she proceeded to ignore me throughout the entire transaction. You could have cut the air with a knife. She didn't speak once.

But it's done. I sobbed when I got out of there. I walked down the path and got in the car so she couldn't see me and I sobbed.

I feel there's a part of me that's healed a little bit already. Like she's no longer able to keep picking away at the wound. She's not in control.

I've read a lot of the material recommended on here and this week I've contacted a therapist to start that part of the process. Its given me the kick up the arse that I need to sort out my own health.

Hopefully, M chooses to stay away from the children now. I think that might be too much to expect, I know what she's like, it's Easter soon and I think she will try with eggs and such but I, at least, feel more prepared to deal with her.

and a big bunch of for you gaston

Let the tears flow. Let them wash away the emotional debris. Tears are good.

The only person she embarrassed was herself. She showed herself up for what she truly is. I'll bet the people in the solicitor's office had a good old bitch about her after she'd gone and I'd lay money on comments something like 'That poor woman gaston having to deal with a cow like that' being offered.

Well done you. It's taken strength and guts. And you've got plenty.

Thank you so much for the reply white, I really appreciate it.

Well done Gaston

Tears are indeed good, you need to get it out of your system.

I would refuse all further communiques/demands from mother re Easter eggs; do not accept any such items for your children. Exposing your children to such emotional manipulation from your mother is v bad. These are never ever given without obligation by people like your mother. Such hoovering behaviour is done as a way to gain control over your choice to distance yourself.

Yes Attila, you are the font of all knowledge Husband and I have no intention of entertaining her in any way anymore.

Even if I did (out of guilt) He will keep me on the straight and narrow because he's seen in the last year just how badly she's affected my health. He won't allow her to manipulate me anymore. And like I said, I feel better prepared to deal with her now. I know that the last thing she could control, is finished.

We are all better off without her.

Hugs gaston, time to move on and heal.

Just a question,did any of your narcissistic parents try telling you that they had it worse but didn't have time to worry about it cause they were living their life and you must have nothing better to worry about, things like that?

It's been 2 weeks now since contact (nearly 3 but I saw her at a family event so that cuts it down to 2, she didn't acknowledge me at this event though so doesn't really count) last time I didn't speak to her for 3 months nearly and she didn't bother and I made the decision to make contact cause I felt guilty (my dad had text me) part of me feels sad that she isn't even trying to hoover or anything she just doesn't care. But I suppose it makes it easier. No doubt she will be expecting my guilt to kick in again. Must stay strong xxx

Side note. I can't imagine not acknowledging my child no matter what, really kicked in how she doesn't love me when she did that, I left crying it was awful..no one saw me as I got outside first though xxx

Well, I'm going to be selfish now and beg for you guys help and support.

Barely had any communication from mum since the mess at Christmas. Last week got an abrupt text saying dad in hospital (to bring others who don't know my story up to date he was a violent alcoholic while I was growing up and also mildly sexually abusive), he often ends up in hospital after sayimgbhe has symptoms when he feels he's not getting enough attention from mum, sister and I or anyone of us so I thought nothing of it. I've not spoken to him since he called me shouting and swearing regarding me going NC with my sister. I went NC with sister finally after years of shitty treatment off her but also because she interfered with access to my mother while mother was very ill.

Inhad previously been NC with father for 9 years and was persuaded while I was very ill myself (mh) to get back in touch. First by phone and then pushed into more and more contact which I was not happy with.

I hate him, I feel physically sick being in the same room as him.

Now he's been moved to another hospital so presumably drs think he's more seriously ill, but he's a good actor!

I've blocked him on my phone but somehow voicemail still gets through. He's left me a message which I could barely understand. I've deleted it.

Dd doesn't know he's been moved but does know he's in hospital, she's very much a feels guilty type and may want to see him even though she doesn't like him. She was relieved when I went NC with him. I've said she can see him if she wants I won't stop her but I don't want to see him.

I am worried I may feel guilty if he (finally) dies but honestly I don't think I will I think I'll just be relieved.

My mh bad at the moment which is not helping of course.

I've been lingering awhile, a friend of mine pointed me to this topic. And the long string of continuous threads. I'm undergoing my final period of no contact with an abusive parent; she has terminal cancer and I only got back in touch with her after my younger brother rang me to tell me she was in hospital (after she'd been there a week; she insisted he not tell me she'd been admitted). As it happens she's the healthiest terminal patient I've ever seen and will no doubt last a couple of years yet.

Apologies for the extensive graphic detail. It's important and I'm glad of the anonymity.

I'm convinced she has Munchhausen's by proxy and she's almost happy because she can be the centre of attention. This is her second bout with cancer and her only complaint appears to be that she gets no state assistance (despite knowing about PIP etc because I claim it for disabilities).

I was born severely premature and as a result suffer from a number of mental illnesses and physical issues including brain damage and blindness. My first memory is being on television because I was born so early, that and being dragged in front of a lecture theatre of medical students. My mother, a nurse, spent my childhood performing minor surgery on me without anasthetic and self-diagnosing me (she would rather give me piritonfor examplefor a carbuncle in my ear, for example) than take me to a GP. When she did it was a week or so into whatever was afflicting me and saw me.

My childhood was spent in hospitals for reasons I can't remember ... constantly. My other biggest memory is being held down while my parents did something to me or taking me to a doctor with some unspoken malady which require extensive physical examinations revolving around my female parts. As a result I cannot do relationships, it's far too much for me to deal with mentally or physically.

She never toilet trained me, prefering to just give me suppositories. I'm now an incontinent adult as a result of this and extensive gastric surgery. Both my parents would hold me down and physically scratch the excrement out of me, rather than taking me to a doctor who investigate why I was having so many problems. My therapist tells me this is a kind of rape and it certainly felt like it.

When I started my period at ten, she decided I had cancer and took me to the hospital where I had my first EKG and mamogram. When I had toothache she decided to make me take co-proximol .... which it turns out I'm allergic too. Twice.

I'm not an only child, my brother is younger than me and the golden child. However he almost went deaf because she decided he didn't have an ear infection (ending up with him in speech therapy). I got most of her attention, culminating in her deciding she absolutely had to remove a benign cyst in my back. She started on Wednesday night and it was only on Friday my father thought to steal local anasthetic .... which didn't work.

My entire family, perhaps because of my disabilities, refuse to treat me like an adult in my third decade. Last week, with the triggering hell of Mother's Day, my brother felt I needed to be harrassed into calling our mother despite my telling him I had reasons not to. I don't see why I should indulge society by thanking my abuser for abusing me. According to himwho isn't aware consciously of any of thisthe family is more important than whatever reasons I have for refusing to do as I'm told.

As a result he's disowned me and blamed me for making my niece and nephew lose their only aunt.

I've given up even trying to deal with talking to any of my family. My mother intentionally keeps information from me (she didn't tell me my nephew had been born; I had to ring and enquire) and has some kind of sick, twisted desire to control me and the flow of information (when my father died she didn't tell me for sixteen hours).

I'm sick of this crap and can't be bothered to even try but I can't tell my family because there's no way my brother/sister in law will believe me. I know them too well to think, even for an instant, they'll believe me. I suffer from PTSD as a result of this and every time I even try to talk about my life, I'm put down, told that whatever I do will fail because I'm doing it.

I can't live like this. No contact is better than any.

Thanks for listening.

Hi ashes that sounds incredibly hard .
I found that after a period of panic over nc I settled and life just became better. I spent my time on people and relationships in which I was valued and liked. It made it possible for me to see the extent to which my family dislike me. I often tried to underplay or not see episodes of that. It hurts but infinitely better than still having an open wound people keep tearing at.

DM is 96 today. I haven't seen her since she was 68, which was when she went NC with me because, apparently, I had ruined her life and "shown not one shred of remorse." She always held me responsible for the breakdown of her relationship with my DF, but what else I am supposed to have done has never been said.

She has a DGD she has never seen and any attempt I have made to contact her and put things right has been rebuffed. Apparently I am "cruel" to even think of doing this.

I know I am better off without her in my life. She was verbally and physically abusive throughout my childhood and totally impossible to please once I was grown up, but I have very mixed feelings on days like this.

Hi everyone.

Looking for a bit of advice.

Have been NC with DM and stepdad for 3 months.

I went NC because I just felt like I needed a break, had had enough in general and then DM/stepdad did something upsetting at Christmas.

To begin with, back in January DM was messaging me telling me how wrong I was to be upset about the Christmas thing in the first place, then when I didn't reply in February her messages became softer along the lines of 'please get in touch we want to know you're ok and didn't mean to upset you'. I sent one single message back to say I was fine and would be in touch but not yet, that was about 6 weeks ago.

In the meantime I've been doing interviews, preparing to start a new job, started a new job, have been working and then looking after DD and sorting out the house/garden/car on days off, by myself because I'm a LP. The time has just gone by, I'm not deliberately ignoring her (though a bit avoidant and haven't put her top of my priority list as it were).

I guess I was gradually coming round to the thought that maybe soon I would feel ok enough to get back in touch with DM, sit down and talk to her about everything, and see whether anything could change. I hadn't got there yet, but was starting to think I could do it.

This is all complicated a bit by the fact that I have some aspie/adhd traits, and get quite overwhelmed by life sometimes. I've had what is probably PTSD/chronic stress symptoms on and off for years and especially in the last few years. I'm trying to look after myself and not push myself too hard because I need/want to be ok enough to look after DD. DD's dad isn't in the picture, it's just me and her and I rarely even see anyone else (due to the aspie/adhd traits I get rejected a lot so don't really have any close friends). So for that reason and because the new job has been a little bit overwhelming, I haven't felt able to see DM on my days off yet.

Anyway, I got another message this morning, this one seems to go back to the tone she was using after Christmas, I'll type it out here as there's little chance she'll be reading this thread or on MN: "Don't you think it's about time you started talking to me/us? Apart from [the thing that upset me at Christmas] we don't know what we're supposed to have done wrong if you don't talk'.

Looking at this reasonably (or trying to), maybe she doesn't know how upset and p*ssed off I am about years and years worth of stuff (she possibly has some similar traits to me herself and possibly a low mental age, is very childish). But to explain it all, well that's going to be a long conversation.

What got my back up about the message was more the tone, where I feel like she's gone back to talking down to me like a difficult/problematic child (I'm in my 30s), there is nothing to acknowledge that I might need my space, nothing to ask how I am or if there might be a reason why I haven't been in touch yet. I feel like I'm being scolded. It's demanding that I open up before I'm ready to (before I have the mental energy to).

AIBU? Please someone tell me if I am. I have never actually sat down and explained all the things that were/are upsetting so maybe I am. I'm not sure she'll listen properly if I do, or acknowledge me, I'm assuming it will be unpleasant and not sure what I'll get out of it, and pretty sure she will repeat any innermost thoughts that I share with absolutely everyone she knows, from other family members to the postman, the thought fills me with horror. I was going to try but this latest message has kind of got my back up and I feel less like doing it now.

She doesn't know about the aspie/adhd thing, hardly anyone does as I haven't gone all the way through the diagnosis and don't trust her with the information yet.

What would you do, get in touch and just bite the bullet and try to have the conversation, or wait until you feel ready (and if that time never comes?)

I would maintain your NC stance. You do not need either she or her enabler in your life.

NC however, is precisely that. This also includes you reading any of their communiques/demands sent to you. Infact I would look into blocking her method of messaging you. Her messages do not make you feel good do they?. BTW how is she doing that; phone or e-mail?.

She is trying to suck you back in by this behaviour called hoovering. Her nice/nasty stance is typical of abusive people but that cycle is a continuous one.

She has not apologised nor has accepted any responsibility for her actions. The only acceptable point of view to her is hers alone. Again this is typical from such toxic people.