"But we took you to Stately Homes" - survivors of dysfunctional and toxic families

[pocketsaviour]

It's February 2016, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011
November 2011
January 2012
November 2012
January 2013
March 2013
August 2013
December 2013
February 2014
April 2014
July 2014
Oct 14 – Dec 14
Dec 14 – March 15
March 2015 - Nov 2015
Nov 2015 - Feb 2016

Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.

This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' see original thread here (December 2007)

So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.

You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.

'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.

I started with this book and found it really useful.

Here are some excerpts:

"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.

Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.

YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."

"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites

Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker

Some books:

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione

This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:

"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support."

Thank you for your kind welcome.

I'm still plowing through toxic in laws.

Things are back to "normal" here in that we are back to being mutually supportive etc of each other. We're going away for a break this week and am going to try and speak to DH a bit then. Have calmed down a bit somewhat and now think it's more likely that DH is caught up in serious FOG rather than being narcissistic. As these issues/behaviours only seem to arise when dealing with PIL issues (and sorcifuvakky after he's spoken to MIL)

Interestingly, the other night he told me that his parents had never apologised to him

Hi portin, happy birthday to your DD! Good for you for resisting the flying monkeys, that's really good.

Gobbolino the effects of narcissistic parents can make us children behave quite oddly. But if you have an honest conversation with him about it, to me that's already a sign that he's not a narcissist himself. I hope you have a great break.

Hello everyone. Happy birthday to your DD *

I don't post regularly enough to know names yet, but I hope everyone is well and coping "okay"?

Last night and today I've had an influx of the flying monkeys from Cousin, Aunt and Uncle who are all "gravely concerned" about the way I'm treating my narc mother who is apparently suicidal because I've had an independent thought for once in my life. How dare I go behind her back and see my own father? How dare I be an adult and think for myself? I should apologise immediately for being a blackmailing, manipulative scapegoat, and never ever mention the years of abuse because they're all in my imagination... If my mother said its untrue, then it must be untrue

All this is going on whilst I'm with my DP at the hospital for an eye appt...

I'm so so close to going NC with the whole bunch of them. My health is suffering as a result, I'm finding myself becoming more and more angry and bitter about it all and that's absolutely not healthily is it.

I think I just need a friendly handhold as things are about to get seriously ugly.

Rant over

Orangesox

Welcome.

Friendly handhold in the form of and
I would go no contact with all the flying monkeys; they are clearly not acting in your best interests but solely in theirs.

You indeed have every right to see your dad if you so choose.

I hope your DP got on ok at the hospital re his eye appointment.

Thank you Attila, so so appreciated.

As an adult, I treasure my privacy above all after years and years of no privacy and ultimate control. Narc mother and her FM's equate privacy to lying. Its a never ending circle of atoning for being a "difficult daughter".

DPs eye appt went well thank you

There you go *Orangesox - have a top up.

Time to wave the flying monkeys bye bye.

You don't have to explain or justify.

But, should you choose to do so, consider relatively bland comments
'That maybe what you have been told. I have a different story'
or 'She may very well say that. How long have you got to hear my side?'
or 'You do know that there are 2 sides to every story?'

Or 'I don't have to explain or justify anything to you. I know the story and it isn't what she is peddling to you.'

Personally I'd give them all the big heave ho.

Welcome.

Hello to all. Haven't been on for a while as I've had a week off work and my (adult) DS has been to visit. We've just been chilling out, went to a couple of museums etc.

I realise the one-year anniversary of no contact passed earlier this month, completely unnoticed by me. How time flies when you're not feeling guilty or angry or guilty about being angry all the time!

My DS has not had any contact from my mum since then. She doesn't like him, never has and only ever had contact with him through me, although she usually did manage to send a card at Xmas and birthday when he was younger. But she stopped sending them when he was 16 because he didn't ring promptly enough to say thanks

I haven't told him that I've gone NC, and he hasn't noticed. At Xmas he said "Will we visit Nanan this year?" and I just said no, not this year.

Says it all really!

angel just wanted to say if you think you will have more support by moving, then move. Getting away from toxic relatives is a definite plus.

too - thank you.

Interesting , we had a bit of a tiff last night. Nothing serious just about something he said as a joke. I was tired and took it the wrong way. DH tried to say it was a joke and therefore he shouldn't have to apologise. I said he had upset me and whilst I was being a bit thin skinned maybe, I'd like an acknowledgement that I was upset. I asked him how he thought it would feeling his feelings were constantly dismissed (like I know his bloody mother always did - bit I refrained from that)

He went to sleep but woke up this morning abd gave me a very sincere apology. Rather than rabbiting on about what he did, I accepted it graciously. I want him to realise that it's fine to apologise - I'm not going to use it as a stick to beat him with. For the avoidance of DIY t, he has apologised before for things but he has always had a bit of a blind spot when it comes to acknowledging emotions when they don't accord with his.

Hmm....the book is helping as I'm normally this would have turned into a bigger argument about his parents and he would have lept to their defence. We still have a much bigger issue re: the PILs though but I'm hoping that the better and stronger our relationship, the more he will pull away from constantly defending their awful selfish behaviour

I'm in a very dark place please help me. I don't know if I can keep fighting this. I had counseling and put all my past behind me (childhood physical abuse and emotional abuse, suicidal feelings major depression self harm plus a lot of hurtful things my parents have done whilst I've been an adult) I was doing really well other than the guilt that maybe just maybe it's me with the problem and she doesn't deserve this so I asked her to draw a line under it all and move on which she was fine with, for a whole month. She kicked off this past weekend as I posted about how I found my self worth and was truly happy and didn't get back to her quick enough about something (those were her reasons) and she was so hurtful and nasty telling me that saying I was depressed as a teenager suicidal etc is making a joke of people with real problems and that I was making up lies that I hadn't even told (one was that my dad touched me which he hasn't and I never said he did) I swore next time she got funny with me I wouldn't retaliate but I did and now I'm broken and the worst bit is when I said I can't do this anymore I'm cutting contact again she cousins understand why and told me not to start, not to start after hours of her ranting at me. I just don't know if I can rebuild myself again I don't know if I have the energy. I'm sick of feeling like the problem like I'm selfish and nasty and lying and flawed. I'm sorry if this is ranty and full of typos xxxx

Well today is my two year olds birthday, i knew i would have flying monkeys and I'm not wrong. what should be a lovely day is making me very anxious after missed calls from sister.

I suppose I shouldn't have been surprised but we recieved a very general cheap card from my scm, you are two it says , nothing about grandchild , As i have mentioned my youngest is adopted and my scm makes a great fuss about the wording in cards so i know this will have been deliberate to me. i have had a weak moment and sent a text saying we had recieved the card and will do our best to explain to other daughter abscence of grandchild card (she will notice) and no present.
i have also asked them not to come round tonight just in case they were thinking they could just pop by and play happy familes.

Its crazy how they can wreck complete havoc and still want to play happy families.

all the best xx

helpme you're not the problem, you're not flawed, you're strong. Some people would have buckled under the pressure but you made it to a good place. Your mother (I'm assuming) knows exactly what to say to hurt you. I have so much sympathy for that feeling of being too exhausted to get back up again. It's so hard.

Go NC, stay NC. What is she bringing into your life? Nothing but abuse. Her behaviour is awful but what is it they say on here? If someone shows you who they are, believe them. You know she's a nasty piece of work, you know you were abused. This is her still doing it. Don't let her.

I really hope you feel a bit better soon. Remember the worst of it always passes.

Thank you for your reply toomuch. Sorry yes it's my mother, my dad was the physical abuser but my mum the emotional and has dismissed my feelings and the effects it had had on me my whole life. She fits the narcissistic mother thing so well but I feel guilty labeling her. I just think this whole thing would be easier if I knew she was the bad guy and she wasn't treating me this way whilst telling me she's doing nothing wrong and she loves me. I'm sure you understand that as well. If I just knew she was evil and nasty and didn't mean well then cutting contact would be so easy but it's the feeling of what if I did this or that or maybe I did make her feel bad doing this or that. So confusing xxx

Portinastorm I know all to well the little things they do to try and get a reaction that don't seem much to others. Xxx

helpme

Its not you, its them. They're the problem, not you. Your mother simply projected all her stuff and behaviours onto you; it is she who is nasty and flawed. Its a common tactic used by abusive people.

You feel guilty about labelling her?. Why is that?.

Your "mother" is a past master of "come closer so I can hurt you again".
She has never felt an ounce of guilt about labelling you as a child being so called difficult and making up lies. She basically dumped all her issues onto you and blamed you for all her inherent ills. She put her man before you as a child and blamed you for the abuse your so called father as well meted out to you. She did not want to know and still does not. She has failed you utterly; she and her abuser husband both.

Stay no contact with these people; you are so much more worthy than them. I would consider restarting counselling now particularly if that has helped before.

Thanks everyone for the advice. I think I probably need some kind of professional counselling- I had a lovely, warm and caring upbringing and yet at a young age I randomly decided I wasn't good enough. I wouldn't let my mum buy me clothes when I was 9 for a very long time because I thought people would think I had thought I looked good enough to buy them and I wasn't- I was ugly and I needed people to know that I didn't think otherwise through this weird denial. I wouldn't try anything new for fear of failure then after being persuaded into it I would excel. I was a very popular child and very outgoing despite this. A few years down the line I got bullied and ended up suicidal as a young teen. It was awful. Since then I have struggled with low self-worth and am a real people-pleaser. If I say so myself, people always seem to like me.

Right now, I am on mat leave and I beat myself up every day. I'm either not engaging enough for my baby, not doing enough house work, not thin enough, not interesting enough. I feel like a failure for not being further in my career and now I feel I am failing at being a mum and house
wife. DP is wonderful and finds it so hard to understand why I hate myself and truthfully, so do I. I don't let myself just enjoy my time because I feel guilty that DP is earning money and therefore I think I should be superwoman from 9-5. I don't sleep enough. It is just exhausting. DP's parents are widely regarded as difficult people and they have no friends. I know they don't like me and I have tried so hard. I don't try at all now but just dread seeing them and because I know they slag everyone off I imagine them saying I'm living off DP having a fun life at his expense and I don't clean enough or I'm not good enough. I can always please people and get on with them and yet these people who I so desperately wanted to like me, don't. It kills me, even though everyone says it is them not me. Sorry for the rant. To answer previous questions- no, they don't add to our lives.

helpme - you have been strong for so long and you will be strong again. It's time to let go of the hope that one day your mother will see the error of her ways and love you. She doesn't. She is using you as a dumping bucket for all her inadequacies. There is nothing you can do to change that in her. But you can change the way that you offer yourself to be dumped on. By removing yourself from her reach. What do you have to feel guilty for? She is the one who has failed. She has failed to keep you safe. She has failed to nurture you. She has failed to listen to your worries and concerns all of your life. She is the failure. Not you.

As for labelling - if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck then it's a duck.

Grieve for the mother you didn't get. Grieve for the love that wasn't given to you. And start to mother yourself. To love you. Shower yourself with kindness. By continuing to allow her to hurt you so badly you are doing her work for her.

Imagine how you would look after a little girl who was sad and hurting. What would you say to her? How would you treat her? How would you help her feel good about herself and feel better? And apply that to yourself.

I do hope that you are feeling a bit better today. You can grow the strength you need to survive this. Going NC is much easier than enduring the cruelty that you have experienced.

Atilla, I feel guilty about labeling her as she is so convinced she is a good person and I'm these things that it makes me wonder if I'm the one projecting and not seeing what I'm doing to her. Even though I've plenty of evidence to the contrary. My mind doesn't know what's what. I'm so confused. She's so convinced she was a good mum and I had a normal childhood. I contacted my counsellor but she has a lot going on atm sadly due to illness but I will see if I can find someone else. Thank you for your comments they have helped xxx

White, I feel guilty as I haven't always been as nice as I could have been to her so often wonder if I caused it. Although it did all start as a child so obviously I know I didn't. I have 2 daughters myself so I'm always thinking Oh my God how did she do that to me I wouldn't dream of it etc. But as I said to Atilla, she is so convinced she is a good person and I'm the bad guy it makes me doubt myself constantly, and that's where I get stuck with the no contact thing as what if I am the bad guy and I'm punishing her, how would I feel if my children did this to me even though I tried my best xxx

help - it took me 50 years to work out just how trained I had been by my parents to give, and not expect anything in return. As children we were mocked, shamed, ridiculed. We were expected to just know what needed to be done. If we weren't quick enough on the uptake, we were punished, sometimes physically, sometimes through shaming and sneering.
I realise now that I had been parentified. That is, I was trained to parent my parents, to put their needs above everything else. To be a bloody mind reader. I cottoned on eventually to my father and went NC. But it's only now, several years after my mother's death, that I am coming to terms with her behaviour too.

The point I'm making in a rambling way is that it sounds like you too have been well trained to serve your mother's needs.

But …... you are also blessed with an ability to put yourself in someone else's shoes and so are questioning whether somehow you are at fault. Because you weren't perfect. You were not at fault. It was her job to look after you and help you grow and develop. And she didn't.

It sounds as if perhaps you too have been parentified.
My mother saw herself as the victim of my father's violence. She never once questioned how damaged we children were by it. Never asked us how we were. She was self-centred, self -absorbed and vain. Even as we nursed her through her last months she was telling us who fancied her and who she had her eye on (had been widowed the previous year).

My mistake in all of this was to be the bigger person. To think that by giving her the care and attention that she had never given me somehow made me the better person. Looking back I think I regret it. It simply reinforced how well trained I had been.

My mistake was to rise above her vanity and her need to be the centre of attention. (The closest she ever came to giving me a compliment was to say that she 'would have that coat when I'd finished with it'). And not challenge her.
She expected us to look after her. And like idiots, we did.

Don't make the mistake of being the bigger person. Being the bigger person leaves you open to have such people continue to believe the story that they have created in their own heads that they are blameless.
You know the story. You know how it is making you feel. With people like this there is only one good outcome for you and that is to leave them behind.

You are giving your daughters what you never had. And that deserves a massive well done. You have broken that cycle of emotional neglect. And now you need to break the cycle where she has got you running round in circles in your head. Stop believing her. She hurt you. You owe her nothing.

Sorry that I've rambled on. And it may not help you. But it was good to get it out.

My mother saw herself as the victim of my father's violence. She never once questioned how damaged we children were by it. Never asked us how we were. She was self-centred, self -absorbed and vain.

This bit! Spot on! She has complained time and time again about dealing with my dad, how hard it's been etc and how hard she found it, I can't say a word as it wasn't that bad she protected me from more than I realise, I'm selfish, your childhood was normal etc. So yeah that really rings a bell. She also has a thing with thinking people fancy her and I always remember her asking me to take a picture of her led on a sun lounger so she could show how friend that she was thinner than her.

I always thought parentification meant making the child do everything for them which she never did, but yeah I think I'm supposed to be the one that looks after her emotions and be the more grown up one so it does make sense.

I'm so sorry it took you 50 years to get there, but at least you did, some people never see it. I'm. Glad to hear you found you regret seeing to her until she passed away as one of the biggest things I hear is how would you feel if something happened so it's interesting to hear you regretted it.

I just wanted to say I have 2 sons as well as I felt guilty not pointing it out, I said daughters as obv I was thinking of the whole mother daughter relationship, but I love my boys too lol xxx

Hi, I've been lurking but TurquoiseSongBirds post about her mum suddenly made me go a-ha and I just need to talk about it.

My DM was emotionally unavailable as well as emotionally and physically abusive throughout my childhood. Her henchman was my SF, whom she always put ahead of my needs. Well I wasn't allowed to have any needs. However, the only time she was kind of nice to me was when I was ill. I mean she let me stay in bed and read, brought me squash and didn't harass me with endless house duties or any other thing that might have usually annoyed her.

When I was maybe 5 years old, I remember going to regular dr appointments and having a blood test. I remember the fear and screaming the place down. I still don't know what it was for but it was regular for a while. Then when I was 6 years old, she arranged me to go to the hospital to have my ears pinned back. I had small ears but they were slightly protruding, a family feature that runs through my fathers side. Her mantra was that it's best done before I start school (in my home country we start at 7 years old).

I'm sorry if this sounds disjointed but since going NC and realising what a malignant narcissist/borderline she is, this "cosmetic surgery" has really puzzled me. I just don't understand why she went through the rigamarole to have me admitted in and putting a small child through surgery when she never really cared about my well being and for example always had my hair cut to short boys style. I was desperate for long hair and have plaits like other girls but this was never taken into account, it was a short hair because "it's easier to maintain" and that was that.

So, in the light of what Turquoise wrote, could it be that my DM had maybe Munchausen By Proxy tendencies or was it just your common garden narcissistic lapping it up show? I just don't understand why she was so driven to put me through that surgery.

helipad

Am very glad to read that you are NC with your so called mother.

This excerpt may answer your question:-

"Having a narcissist for a mother is a lot like living under the supervision of a six-year-old. Narcissists are always pretending, and with a narcissistic mother it's a lot like, "Let's play house. I'll pretend to be the mother and you pretend to be the baby," though, as the baby, you'll be expected to act like a doll (keep smiling, no matter what) and you'll be treated like a doll as an inanimate object, as a toy to be manipulated, dressed and undressed, walked around and have words put in your mouth; something that can be broken but not hurt, something that will be dropped and forgotten when when something more interesting comes along. With narcissists, there's also usually a fair element of "playing doctor," as well of childish sexual curiosity that may find expression in "seductive" behavior towards the child, such as inappropriate touching of the genitals, or it can also come out as "hypochondriacal" worries about the child's health and/or being most interested and attentive when the child is ill (thus teaching the child that the way to get Mother's kind attention is to get sick). Having a sick child can also be a way for the narcissistic mother to get the sympathetic attention of authority figures, such as doctors and teachers".

Thank you Attila, that playing doctor really strikes a chord. I'm thinking though that maybe it just was something that some dr suggested and perhaps it was a done thing in the 70's, so maybe there's nothing sinister behind it. It just is so out of the character, that's all.

I'm just so angry behalf of that little, invisible child that I once was. Like many, I use to think that my childhood was ok, yes I had a strained relationship with my DM but she really had tried her best and had my best interest at heart. Since the events that led to my NC and now that FOG has lifted, I see everything so differently. She was a single mother during my early childhood and those were the better years. When I was seven, she married my SF and now looking back, that was it for me. Makes me so sad. I was brought up to think he was the best thing ever and how lucky are we to have him. He demanded an absolute respect and was terrifying if I dared to disagree with him. Now I think it's laughable, considering he's a sad little man, he's 18 years older than my DM and once let it slip that he was virgin when he met my DM. He was then 43 years old and still living with his deeply religious mother.

To add that I spent school holidays with my DF and his partner (they never married), I loved my DF, but he was an alcoholic and he let me witness a lot of dysfunction as a child and teen years. His partner, now looking back, clearly had major MH issues but at the time she was just regarded "crazy" and no-one protected me from her. She was good at throwing barbed Passive Aggressive comments at me, even when I was a small child. She also use to slag my DF off right front of me, detailing his bed hopping and how excessive his drinking is.

I use to think that that's just how it is, brush a lot of it under carpet and just carry on. Now I realise the toll all of it has taken on my MH and how awful for that little child to face all that, fundamental religion, alcoholism and MH issues. But another voice in me says maybe I'm just making a fuss and being over dramatic.

Oh. My. Word HelpMe, you've just described what I feel like interacting with my mum and younger brother. It leaves you completely drained of the energy you have. It's so hard to get that energy back when still in contact with the narc. Then there's the intense anxiety and fear on the run-up to each encounter with the narc.

Wondering what they are going to do or say can put the fear of fuck into you because you really don't know what they going to come out with.

The one thing I have done that allows me to detach slowly (without them noticing the change) is to observe but not absorb. There will be some things that you will absorb that will hurt, but you are strong and CAN get through your situation.

There's always a light at the end of the tunnel. You just may not see it yet, but it is there