Breaking nc with my dm?

[Dirtydishwater33]

Can we talk about how this might happen & what might be the consequences? Over a decade nc on my part & I never regretted it. I sometimes think it would be nice to have a mum but not how it used to be. Now she's made contact & I'm not sure what to do? Do I risk my mental peace? Am I supposed to just list my grievances in a letter? Meeting is too much right now. Anyone else done this & had a successful outcome? I think you call them flying monkey's? I've had one of those swing into my life recently (delicately) So I think there've been discussions back in my old family.

Your strong wo her! She may be feeling she needs you now! Be careful

Imho, she's fishing for another chance to piss on your parade. Leave the bait alone.

Perhaps you are confusing your mother with op's mum, Band (et al). We have zero evidence op's mum is the witch she is being portrayed by posters here.

She may be a witch - but nothing op has so far posted gives any evidence to that ; save the letter after op's wedding - but we don't know what happened.

Your presumptions are evidently off the mark, Springy, as my mum is dead.

I agree with MoominPie22. Imho.

springydaffs
Did you miss the part where the OP said her mum abandoned her and left her with a paedophile father?
Quite apart from the letter after the wedding (which was a horrible letter to write, whatever happened) that in itself is appalling.
If the OP decided to go NC, we have to trust and respect that she felt she had good reason to do it. It's not an easy thing to do and people don't do it lightly.

Oh come on anotheremna, all good loving mothers abandon their children with abusive fathers and write them vitriolic letters it's completely normal and the rest of us are just projecting.

'people like this'?
'such people'?
We do not know them so how is this kind of judgement helping the op to make up her mind what to do. The pps who are relating their own experiences are offering info that can help.

Springy, with love, you're projecting.

The op is having her children potentially stolen.

No normal person writes a letter like the wedding letter, or leaves a child with a sexual predator.

The kinds of people who do this ARE "people like these" and "such people" they are capable of anything and everything in the pursuit of their own ends amarmai

The op is strongly advised to maintain no contact. No good will ever come of it.

OP, your DC18 needs an example of how nasty it can be if somebody betrays a confidence. Or evrn just betrayal in general. There mist be dome times in his/her social circle where somebody has been trusted with a secret and stabbed somebody else in the back with it.

I'm trying to think of films kids of that age would appreciate that have a good example. Not having a lot of inspiration there but something will come to me in my sleep, I hope.

Did the mother know the father was a paedophile?

I'n presenting the other side, rarely presented on MN. If she knew he was a paedophile then that's a different story.

Did you walk out and go nc with your own children when they were little?

why are pps attacking other pps personally when they are presenting another POV? None of us, including the op, can know the full story. For a mother to leave her dd i wd think there must be a reason or 2/3. As far as the nc is concerned, perhaps the father did not allow any contact. As far as the op's nc is concerned , i wd probably keep nc as there is no way to know what the truth is. If i wanted to know what the mother had to say, i wd feel safer doing it thru an intermediary who is trained and experienced in dealing with pedophilia.

A mother walks out on her child at 8?

Oh yes. Special kinda mother right there

please can anyone list the reasons that would be justifiable to leave an 8yo with a man you can't bear to be with?

Or perhaps she got a better offer, but new bloke didn't like kids?

Nope. Still can't imagine what would possess a mother to walk out on her small child.

Amarei, your speculation is as far fetched as you believe other posts to be.

You've not been the product of toxic parents? If not, you have literally no clue as to what some parents are capable of.

Without the ranty letter, there would be benefit of the doubt

Without the walking out in a child, leaving her to an at best unsatisfactory man, at worst she knew he was abusive... There would be room for manoeuvre, a little grey area.

Some things can't be forgotten, bells can't be unrung.

Very very few people go nc with their parents for no reason.

It may be they have their heads turned by toxic others, naturally, but otherwise no. Not IME, it's such a horrific thing to contemplate and live with, it's never done on a whim.

I don´t think the OP is interested in this thread anymore. She´s long gone. Maybe we should just ¨Let it go.....let it gooo!¨

I know a mother who walked out on her children aged 8 and 10. It was either that or kill herself. She left her kids with an 'unsatisfactory' man - who was an abuser (to her - though she didn't know that at the time) and had convinced her she was the scum of the earth. She genuinely believed she was so heinous her kids would have a better life with their 'perfect' father. She kept our of her kids lives bcs she genuinely believed she was poison to them.

So no, not straightforward.

Pretty damn hurtful to write a letter to your daughter saying that her wedding day was the worst of your life.

Not a good indication that she'd be pleasant company. People can change ... rarely, but it does happen. But the mother then trying to contact the grandchildren within a couple of days isn't a very good sign either. It would be courteous to give it a couple of weeks at the least, in situation of tryign to repair 10 years' NC.

We don't know what happened at the wedding.

It could be the op's mother is a wicked witch. But there could also be more to the story. We don't know is the point.

Unless someone close to her died at the wedding, or someone violently attacked her, or she was diagnosed with cancer, I fail to see how it could have been the worst day of her miserable fucking life. Especially as she was once in a relationship with a paedophile.

Good point, AnotherEmma.

Springy, I normally adore your sage advice. But you seem determined to give the mum doubt to which she deserves no benefit.

On these freds, we mainly have only the OP's description (and large dollops of common sense, troll-dar and sheer "grrr!") to go by. As much as it'd be useful to hear both sides of the story, it's the guy who comes to ask our help that is here in front of us. And, like Emma, I can't see what the OP could have done that would warrant what the mum did. Any of it. Not even with my cynic-filters set to 11.

PM me if you like.

Thanks Preemptive. I too am surprised by springydaffs stance on this!

Nothing bad happened at the wedding other than I was marrying outside my 'd'm's comfort zone. My dm made it clear she wanted no relationship with her new extended family. My mil wanted to welcome my dm with open arms. There have been many more occurrances through the years like the time when I was in very early labour (on time) & she was up for the weekend. I begged her not to return home Sunday night but she wouldn't stay. Halfway down the motorway I phoned her to ask her to come back for the birth as we were going to hospital. She refused. I was gutted. She had nothing to get back for bit even if you did, I think your dd in labour trumps everything. There were also the occasional times she saw me as a kid & would have seen I was malnourished, but she did nothing about it.

... I was marrying outside my 'd'm's comfort zone.

That's code for "she's also a bigot" isn't it?

Then she is a witch I'm so sorry op

My stance on here has been to flag up that posters piled in without a full ppicture. We can support the op without damning the mother - and posters on here have been very free with that without evidence and jumping to conclusions . Now op has provided evidence and you have my full support.

Springy, the clues were all there love, you know the scripts at play, it's uncanny how the similarities stand out.

Abuse is abuse. It just sings out sometimes

((((Springy))) you're a wonderful poster and I don't blame you for putting in an alternative viewpoint. It's always right to challenge our initial thoughts