Breaking nc with my dm?

[Dirtydishwater33]

Can we talk about how this might happen & what might be the consequences? Over a decade nc on my part & I never regretted it. I sometimes think it would be nice to have a mum but not how it used to be. Now she's made contact & I'm not sure what to do? Do I risk my mental peace? Am I supposed to just list my grievances in a letter? Meeting is too much right now. Anyone else done this & had a successful outcome? I think you call them flying monkey's? I've had one of those swing into my life recently (delicately) So I think there've been discussions back in my old family.

Anyway, it doesn't affect the outcome which is my 'd'm fishing behind my back. Doing this she's actually erroding the tiny grain of potential good will I had for her

Op did you post about this recently asking if it was a good idea to start a thread about you and your DM possible reconciliation and that you'd ask your DM to also contribute to the thread and MN can watch it play out?

Is this it? I don't think you got a very good reception on it. The details are identical

If not I apologise.

I would steer clear and block on Facebook. I am NC with my toxic parents and have also had some life changing events in the last couple of years (nothing dramatic, I got married and had a baby). There have been times when I have desperately wanted a mum, but I have to remember that the person I want is not my mum, because my mum is cruel and makes me unhappy.

I don't know what your 'life-changing' events are but remember - they changed you and not her. She will probably be exactly the same person she was before. In my experience toxic people very rarely seek to change themselves either via therapy or anything else, they don't see themselves as needing to change.

I would avoid like the plague personally but if you want to establish contact then be very very wary.

I had nc with my DM for eight years after my DS death which ripped our family apart and old grievances surfaced. Seven years ago my aunt was dying and this forced a reconciliation. The last seven years have been some of the happiest, my DM is in her late seventies and has many many regrets over her treatment of all of her children but knowing we are reconciled and she is now a massive part of all of my families lives now is giving her such happiness in her latter years I can forgive all that went on before. Tomorrow I am taking her to hospital for a major operation and am pleased I am the one to help her through. Good luck with whatever decision you make OP my advice would be to have no regrets whatever decision you make.

What would be so bad about your DC telling your estranged DM about what's going on in your life?

As long as you don't have to talk to her, you forewarn them about her (sounds like you already have) and are open to talking to your DC then so what?

It hurts that's what. I don't want her feasting on my life, only if I choose to share it with her.

I must be fucking mad to even consider letting her back in my life, she's just proved herself devious. Shout at me loud to never go near her again.

Ok DD33 - I'll shout it - "KEEP WELL AWAY AND DON'T ALLOW HER BACK INTO YOUR LIFE"
This will be all about her and nothing about you.

You´re dead right Dirty. I know you were contemplating it but now she´s proven herself to be a devious fucking leach of a woman, determined to worm her way back into your life via your kids! Urgh...makes my skin crawl, the slimy, under-handed cow!

Well all you can do is reiterate and emphasise to your eldest the importance of why this woman has been out of your life for 10yrs and why that must NOT change. She´s dangerous and she must be blocked. Your daughter is 18yrs, and an adult on paper, but if you can just say this in a way that is pitched perfectly for her to understand the significance and gravity of the situation....hopefully she will see that her mam is dead serious and indeed, this is serious shit!

If it were me, I´d pitch it in much the same way as when you warn kids about online ( and real life ) perverts and paedos, the danger and gravity of the situation should never be underestimated. Just like how we warn our kids that there´s people online that will pose as kids to gain their trust, groom them etc but they´re 50yr old perverts who wanna arrange a meet up in real life so they can abuse and murder them.

You know, if you´ve won the lottery you need to expect all manner of arseholes crawling out of the woodwork. Don´t Camelot warn against this sort of thing?

She will use your children to gather information. She will wheedle her way into their confidence. She will spread disinformation (which can come in many guises, fake concern, lies, and half-baked truths for example). She may well choose to do nothing with the information in the immediate future but it will sit in her mental inbox until she has a use for it. She will appear 'oh so reasonable' to your children, giving them cause to doubt your judgements.
I had to give my son 'the talk' just after I went nc with my siblings, warning him not to accept fb friend requests under any circumstances. People like this don't want to relinquish control and can wait many, many years to take revenge on you for playing by their rules. This is exactly what my father did.

not playing - sorry

I think you need to tell your dd that if she wants a relationship with her then that is fine, she is an adult and you won't stop her.

But, she needs to respect your decision and ask that at no point, does she tell you m, any personal details about you. They can talk about the weather and football for all you care. But you are off limits.

Then give her some phrases to use if pushed.

Couch it it terms of her.

'You are 18 and an adult, you want me to respect your privacy. You don't want me to breach that (give an example if you can think of one). That is your right as an adult.

I also have that right. I have the right to choose not to have someone who (give examples of what she has done) to be in my life and to know anything about me.

It is your responsibility to protect my right just as it is my responsibility to ensure your rights are protected.

It would be like a boyfriend of yours who became abusive. You have a right not to have him in your life, and as someone who loves and respects you, my responsibility to help with that.

So as an adult, you have aright to be in contact, but you don't have the right to give them details about me.

If she asks, just say 'mum has said she doesn't want us to discuss her. We will respect that. If you want to know the answer you need to contact her yourself. ' then repeat.'

This might help her understand. If your mum hasn't changed, then I would imagine she will up the pressure on your dd which will help her understand why you went nc in the first place.

This is starting to get self indulgant again ....

I'm off >

This is a copy of the letter I received:

Dear Dirty

It is now several years since things finally came apart between us and there isn't a day goes by when I don't think about you. I can't undo what has gone, but I am really sorry. I love you and miss you dearly and would give anything to have you back in my life. I continue to hope that one day you may feel able to get in touch so that we might be able to try and build bridges. Love as always, 'd'm

but if you don't reply quick I'm going to help myself to your dcs anyway

Ah yes...I remember that from your other thread.

Cleansheets Wassup??

Ah I've been pulled back on.

Op recently put a thread in asking if it was a good idea to start a thread up which she could invite her mother to join and MN could watch the reconciliation/upset play out. She got a resounding 'NO'

It's indulgent and weird to be honest. Like watching some weird live theatre.

Not for me. Enjoy op. 👍🏼

There is no drama. It's over. I'm not doing it. I'm maintaining my nc. It's worked all these years & I've been just fine but I needed to think about it out loud. Done that now.

Ah OK then. So is this The End? Hope we all helped a smidge Dirty

ive been no contact with my mother for a while (occasional bumping into at sisters though)....in the last week shes had a diagnosis and is terminally ill...i cant be no contact anymore, because she hasnt got long.....im upset at what might have been

They are her GC, you didn't reply to her letter, she may have just discovered fb and doesn't know the etiquette. We don't know what happened at your wedding, whether something happened that made it the 'worst day of her life'. Etc.

I find the responses that she is 'wheedling her way back in', the suggestion she may benefit from your changed circumstances, 2D and alarming and look to me like projection. I also don't agree that 'people like this' never change. I think a mother who has lost contact with her child can and does change. Not always, of course, but not all mothers who have lost contact with their children deserve it eg some are scapegoated. Not all adult children are innocent. Etc. Basically, it can be complex. Choosing the nuclear option is not always appropriate and can cause unbelievable pain, not always deserved.

Posters say 'you've been happy, that's all that matters' but it isn't, there's the mother's happiness too. IF a mother is toxic through and through then nc is the only option. But not all mothers who have been cut off are toxic through and through.

Most children don't go NC unless there's a good reason. It's very typical of a narc to try and wheedle their way back in.

Me and my brother are both NC with my mum. She occassionally tries writing letters to my 8yo nephew saying how much she misses him. Obviously my brother intercepts the letters. But it shows how inappropriate people can be.

The 'good reason' can be complex, not necessarily due to the mother/parent.

Potatoface I was no contact with both my parents for 20 years and they flew along way to try and see me a couple of years ago. At first I refused but they I asked the question that made sense. Were they ill? The answer was that yes my mother was ill but not terminal. I made the decision to see them and move on and not look back at the past. Now my father is terminal and they recently flew over to see me again. I have mentally forgiven them for the past and they are much more considerate and thoughtful towards me and my feelings. We have built bridges but the sadness that haunts me is the wasted 20 years.

Im NC with both my parents, they are both awful in different ways and in particular, my mum causes me anxiety when she's around with her horrid talk and ways

DDs aged 21 & 20 are in contact with her, always have been. However they do understand and fully accept why I cant bear to be anywhere near my mum, and on few occasions she's aimed to mention me they've told her in no uncertain terms not to. & thats about it really.. I leave them to their relationship. When DCs reach their teens they develop their own lives its not all about what a GP says, or being around them all the time

As to the rest, good luck if you do respond to your mum. Im another who thinks there's no change with parents like this, but good luck whatever you decide to do.

I must admit lately I've wished my parents were like "so n so's parents"..the thought pops into my head occasionally. Definitely wishful thinking, horrible people don't change especially when they're elders