Breaking nc with my dm?

[Dirtydishwater33]

Can we talk about how this might happen & what might be the consequences? Over a decade nc on my part & I never regretted it. I sometimes think it would be nice to have a mum but not how it used to be. Now she's made contact & I'm not sure what to do? Do I risk my mental peace? Am I supposed to just list my grievances in a letter? Meeting is too much right now. Anyone else done this & had a successful outcome? I think you call them flying monkey's? I've had one of those swing into my life recently (delicately) So I think there've been discussions back in my old family.

Can l ask if your " life changing events" would benefit her in any way and that might have prompted the contact?

Because that requires emotional energy the OP might not have or be willing to give.
And because it gives her mum more ammunition and opportunity to hurt her.

It was a suggestion, not a demand. It might be helpful. Only the OP can decide.

I have experience of something similar so do know what I am talking about here.

Strange response. I didn't say it was a demand. I didn't say you don't know what you're talking about. Your wording was "why not" - so I gave some reasons why not. I don't think it's a good idea, that's all. Obviously it's for the OP to decide!

I´m cynical that therapy can ever change toxic people such as your mother, fundamentally. Therapy cannot change a person´s personality or their character traits. What you describe she said about your wedding day , seriously, THAT alone would make me stay NC forever more!

Unless someone had a drink or drug problem which they´ve since sought help for and are ¨recovered¨, I may just reconsider letting them back into my life, just to see....But from what you say about her ( and I´m sure you´ve many more examples of appalling treatment and behaviour ), this is her personality and she will never change.

What are the ¨life-changing events¨ you speak of? If she had changed and wanted to apologise, why would she wait until you´ve coincidentally had some life-changing event?? It´s a load of old bollocks. And you´re getting carried away in a daydream about The Perfect Mother ( through no fault of your own ) and doing what plenty of us do, fantasise about ¨what would it be like?¨......¨Wouldn´t it be nice if...?¨ I get like that at Xmas-time usually, but I would never let amnesia set in and forget how horrid and dysfunctional my ex ¨mother¨ was/is!

She´s trying her luck, trying to wheedle her way back in, I think anyways. Don´t be caught off guard and let curiosity get the better of you. It could be your downfall. She´s had ample opportunities to see the error of her ways and apologise.....why now? She´s magically transformed into the Waltons-type mother? Or Linda Bellingham off the Oxo ads?? Not likely....But I´m cynical and I will remain that way.

AnotherEmma It is not a 'strange response'. I gave a suggestion that the OP might like to take. It was a question that the OP might like to ask herself. It is obvious there may be some reasons to dismiss the suggestion but only the OP can answer that.

I've been NC with my father for few years now and many times for differing periods before. OP this really is something only you can decide, everyone's situations are different and it's such a big decision. My only advice really is to do what your instincts tell you to do

This life changing event? Is it children?

She wants to tick a box and be a grandparent?

No.

Don't let her. She left her child with a sexual pervert. Regardless of anything, you don't do this to your own child. You just don't.

Nobody goes NC without a good reason. Please keep her and her poison out of your lives.

Ok, well the anti has been upped this afternoon. Whilst I was out she made contact with one of my dc through facebook. I don't do fb but my dcs tell me their settings are on 'private'. A 'friend request' came through directly to my 16yo. My dc didn't recognise the name & deleted it but came & told me when I came home. I wonder whether my 18yo has been contacted too? I am scared to ask in case I give them ideas. I really really don't want my dcs relaying recent events to my 'd'm, especially behind my back but there's nothing I can do about it is there? It feels horrible if my 18yo is living under my roof but passing into back. Now what?

You can ask your DCs to block her on Facebook. You need to make sure you've blocked her as well.

Blocking her means she can't find you in searches, she can't send friend requests or messages, and she won't see you even if you have mutual friends.

This is my worst nightmare :( I absolutely do not want my children to have contact with my estranged father but they are getting to an age where it's up to them. But he's not a nice person to have in their life and they are lovely. I'm sorry I'm projecting, I can just empathise with how you must feel!

You have been happy and peace for years without her in it. I'd be reluctant to risk that. She's overstepped the boundaries imo contacting your children.

I hope you are okay x

Tell me what can I do? My 18yo can legally do what she wants, I can't tell her anything anymore. Unfortunately my 18yo is way less mature than my 16yo and won't remotely appreciate the pain it would cause me. For all I know my 'd'm already knows all my private business!

I am not on fb.

OP and Owl, if you've told your children why you're not in contact with your parent(s) - not necessarily all the details, but the top line - they will probably respect it, even if they don't understand. They might still be curious about their grandparent(s), and they might have to find out the hard way, but I'm sure their loyalty will always be to you.

I know that doesn't fix how you feel, but could it help to reassure you a bit?

Cross post. I think you need to explain why you're not in contact with your mother and why you don't think it would be good for them to be in contact. Then suggest or ask them to block her on Facebook. You're not telling them, but you are giving firm guidelines.

I really don't think my 18yo could hold back from blabbing. They are immature & self-absorbed still.

You posted about this a few weeks ago didn't you?

IM Sure I and many others said don't bother with contact again. What's to be gained? You've not missed her. She won't have had a magic wand waved over her and turned into a nice person. It's far more likely she's feeling lonely, etc....or that this change in your circumstances is thinking there is a benefit for her.

I think by contacting your ds on fb proves that she hasn't changed and everything is still about her and what she wants. She must surely know that such contact wouldn't be appreciated by you but she did it anyway.

I was honest (in an age appropriate way) from the very beginning with my dcs so nothing could ever come & bite me in the bum in the future. Then recently, they had to be told everything because of other events, so they know the whole truth. I still don't think this will stop older dc if approached.

Why don't you think it will stop older DC? Do you have other issues with them atm?

I told you my older dc is very immature. Obvs there's nothing I can do to stop them, they're adult now.

I just don't know what to do & what's more there's nothing much I can do..

Feels dirty to me, I haven't responded to the letter so now 'd'm is going direct herself.

It feels dirty because it is dirty.

Ignore her and ask your dc to do the same but accept if they choose to have a relationship with her it's up to them.

No, don't respond then. Her contacting your dc via fb is underhand and shows she hasn't changed. Your life changing event may have sparked her interest in you again.

Have another talk with your dc. Explain that your mother was mean to you and you don't want to see her as she is not a person who can be trusted to be kind. Your eldest may well want to pursue some sort of relationship with her. You won't be able to stop this. If she does ask her to respect your feelings and not bring your mother to your house or tell her your private business. Warn her to be aware of certain things you know your mother may do. Then support her when it goes pear shaped. Hopefully forewarning will make her aware of what to look out for and she'll just get her fingers burned. You can't do much more than that I'm afraid.

Remember if your dc do overshare with your mother, it's your mother who is at fault - not them. Don't blame them if the shit hits the fan again. Your mother is the one who has the problem.

WTFisSimon I thought this thread rang a bell too but I thought it was just a coincidence....it was the ¨Life Changing Events¨ that reminded me of the other thread.

OP why aren´t you telling us, or at least giving a clue, what these life changing events are?

And is this your 2nd thread on the same matter? If so, surely it´s all been said already.

Moomin some things are too big for here