Man does not want cheap sex

[Cloverene]

Just after a bit of advice really, as struggling to understand what has happened here and why;

I met a lovely guy through a charity club. He is mid 30's, very intelligent and not super sociable. I was interested in him as a friend, but as the weeks/months passed, I began to grow attracted to him.

At the very onset, he kept telling me I would make a wonderful girlfriend and pursued me slightly. Always looking to talk to me during our charity events. I never heard from him much in the evenings/weekends, and he would always decline weekend catch ups. I would often invite him for drinks etc as at that stage I saw him as a friend, so when he declined, I didn't think anything of it.

One weekend he became very keen to meet me for dinner. The time wasn't right for me, so I had to decline. Fast forward a few weeks and we end up at the same pub, drinking. He insisted on coming back to my place after. At this stage, I still wasn't really interested in him, but he is attractive and I wanted sex.

We talked a lot at my place, but when it became time to do the deed, he declined and said he will only do it if in a relationship.

I was quite astonished. He ended up going home. He has now gone semi NC with me.

Under normal circumstances, I would just move on. But I think this guy could be the one, so I am feeling slightly flat about what to do, if anything? It is unclear to me what has happened here?

[suzannecaravaggio]

Micro penis?

[Scarletforya]

erectile dysfunction.

[Cabrinha]

Stop trying to work out his behaviour and use the time to think about yours.

You don't want to me with him.
You let him insist on coming back - why? Why did you let him come back when you didn't want him to? If he had to insist, he wasn't welcome.
Why did you get into a state with alcohol?
Why do you see sex as cheap?
Why do you says he's the one when immediately before he didn't want cheap sex with a woman in a state, you didn't want him?
You sound very confused about relationships.

I'm offended on behalf of my male friends, father, nephew, brother and boyfriend that you are "astonished" that a man might not jump at the opportunity to have cheap sex with a drug ken woman who's not particularly interested in them.

[LionHearty]

Maybe he realised he didn't really want to have sex with you while you were drunk after all.

(Sounds like you did a lot of the leg work in the early stages.)

[LionHearty]

I'm offended on behalf of my male friends, father, nephew, brother and boyfriend that you are "astonished" that a man might not jump at the opportunity to have cheap sex with a drunken woman who's not particularly interested in them. This.

[TelephoneIgnoringMachine]

Maybe he'd rather you were less drunk - he could have been worried you'd regret it & ruin things.

Maybe he's not feeling well.

Maybe he sees you as more than a ONS.

Maybe he's been hurt before by thinking a ONS meant a relationship.

I wouldn't have sex with someone if I wasn't very confident about their feelings towards me. No judgement - people are different, that's all.

[Fairenuff]

I think it boils down to the fact that you wanted him to want you and he didn't. You now feel rejected and are trying to save face by saying that you weren't really that into him anyway.

It sounds like he made a good decision because you were a) possibly too drunk to consent or b) not really sure if you wanted to have sex with him or not.

The facts as you have presented them show that you are contradicting yourself and very confused about what you want. I think he did the right thing in backing off and giving you space and time to think it over.

[LIZS]

Sounds like you have very different boundaries. Look out for yourself and consider what might have happened if the desires had been reversed or you changed your mind, you put yourself in a potentially vulnerable situation.

[SuperFlyHigh]

So much has been going on here... There's the possibility he has a girlfriend/wife or he is just cautious (very intelligent and not super sociable leap out at me from your OP) about who he starts a relationship with and when.

After all you turned him down one weekend for dinner.

I think you've crossed wires a bit with him and the sex stuff - not sure what to make of that but when he said he didn't want to have sex unless he was in a relationship then I believe him and he I think is confused by your motives wasn't sure if it was a ONS on offer when he came back to yours etc.

To be blunt I don't think he's now interested in a relationship with you or sex.

Don't get me wrong I've had ONS in past so I'm far from a prude!

[Cloverene]

I should have pointed out before, but a few months have passed since that night.

Immediately after he was very keen to meet to catch up etc. I wasn't keen given the confusing behaviours from him on that night.

Once I got my head straight a few months later, I now want to take things further and it is now I am having these semi NC problems with him.

[AlwaysHopeful1]

I think I would respect him a bit more tbh. Sounds like he doesn't enjoy sleeping around and I wouldn't too. I could only be with someone if I'm in a relationship. It doesn't mean either one is wrong, just that you have different boundaries.

[lorelei9]

You are not having semi NC problems with him
He's politely trying to keep out of your way I guess
Move on already

[Fairenuff]

I think you've messed him around too much OP and he's not going to risk getting involved. Chalk this one up to experience and move on.

[Cabrinha]

You sound even more like a headfuck now.

You wanted sex. He didn't. He was keen to meet after, you weren't.

How do you think he felt after that?

If he were my friend I'd tell him to run a mile from the drunken changeable woman who thinks all men like cheap sex.

If you were my friend I'd tell you to get your head straight before you dated again, never let a man insist he can come in, and never get into a drunken state on a first date when you should have your wits about you. And to clean up your attitude towards men and assuming their standards for sex are low.

[Cloverene]

Appreciate all the messages. Has been good to get some outside perspective. I fully admit my behaviours and attitudes have not been great, I have been very confused.

My reason for not wanting anything more at the time was due to just ending a 10 year relationship, but maybe I am still recovering from that.

Was hoping to salvage the situation with this man, but it seems impossible. Guess it's one to chalk up to experience.

[Cabrinha]

Why all the drama though?

Why would you just text "hi X. I really enjoyed getting to know you last year, and I'm sorry that I know I threw out some mixed messages. I was recently out of a LTR at the time and really didn't have my head straight. My life's a bit more settled now! I realise that I miss spending time with you, and regret that I didn't explore what might have happened. Would you be interested in a 'start again' drink on Sat night?"

Although tbh I actually don't think he's the one at all, or you wouldn't have been like that with him in the first place.

[SuperFlyHigh]

Just seen your update. Unfortunately yes, it's best just to leave it for now. Don't be too hard on yourself these things happen.

if you are still recovering from a 10 year relationship then take it easy.

There are lots of other threads on relationships board which are great ie Dating Thread etc.

[HarmlessChap]

I've been trying to put myself in his place here which isn't easy as its many years since I was last single.

However, assuming that I had feelings for a woman; the thought that she might want to simply use me for sex, basically treating me as a penis with a person attached, but with no prospect of it leading to a relationship would tell me that if I go along with it I will get hurt and the best way to protect myself from that happening is to try and put this woman out of my thoughts and move on.

The 2 small brains have quite high voting rights alongside the big one, so it probably took some mental fortitude to walk away then it was offered on a plate.

[suzannecaravaggio]

Maybe he thinks He's a player and He's trying to pull off some complex Machiavellian strategy to get you to do his bidding?

[AnyFucker]

I think that he is married is the best explanation here. He has found some less complicated extra marital sex elsewhere.

[Crispbutty]

He could just be a bloke with morals who wanted to make sure you got home ok and didnt want to sleep with a pissed woman.

[LurcioAgain]

Good luck OP. In my experience any multi-year relationship takes a long time to get over. I remember splitting with my ex, leaving it a whole year before I tried OLD, fixing up a date with an extremely nice guy, and having to apologise to him profusely saying "I honestly thought a year was long enough, but now I'm here, I'm in a complete panic and I realise a year wasn't anywhere near long enough..." He was very nice about it (and will have been a great catch for someone whose head was in a better place). Be gentle with yourself, and try to give yourself enough time and space to work out what exactly it is you're looking for.

[Twinklestein]

Either he's married or he was into you and now he's not, or both.

[HandyWoman]

I think as he never got in touch evenings/weekends, he's very much married and his wife was away and then the guilt factor got in the way of his erection and now he's done a runner. He is ashamed of the whole Job Lot of it all, and is now NC.

As for you, I think you are really confused about who and what you want - you became attracted over time yet still weren't interested by the time he came back to yours, but felt after he did a runner that maybe he's 'the one' (boak - correction - there's no such thing).

You'll both do well to steer well clear of each other!

[HormonalHeap]

Sounds like he's just a normal, nice person. My dh definitely wouldn't have slept with me till we were in a committed relationship. Guess he's looking for someone wanting the same.