Man does not want cheap sex

[Cloverene]

Just after a bit of advice really, as struggling to understand what has happened here and why;

I met a lovely guy through a charity club. He is mid 30's, very intelligent and not super sociable. I was interested in him as a friend, but as the weeks/months passed, I began to grow attracted to him.

At the very onset, he kept telling me I would make a wonderful girlfriend and pursued me slightly. Always looking to talk to me during our charity events. I never heard from him much in the evenings/weekends, and he would always decline weekend catch ups. I would often invite him for drinks etc as at that stage I saw him as a friend, so when he declined, I didn't think anything of it.

One weekend he became very keen to meet me for dinner. The time wasn't right for me, so I had to decline. Fast forward a few weeks and we end up at the same pub, drinking. He insisted on coming back to my place after. At this stage, I still wasn't really interested in him, but he is attractive and I wanted sex.

We talked a lot at my place, but when it became time to do the deed, he declined and said he will only do it if in a relationship.

I was quite astonished. He ended up going home. He has now gone semi NC with me.

Under normal circumstances, I would just move on. But I think this guy could be the one, so I am feeling slightly flat about what to do, if anything? It is unclear to me what has happened here?

[JenEric]

Imagine a woman went to a guys house maybe simply because she wanted to spend more time with him. She really liked him and hoped to move from friendship to relationship. would you call her all sorts if she didn't want sex? Would you tell her to accept the casual sex despite the fact it might break her heart to be just a one night stand to someone she adores?

If a woman wanted to try and move a friendship into a relationship but the guy just wanted sex (or friends with benefits as no mention of any relationship at this stage) would you tell her to stay away or to believe him when he u turned 2 days later?

Imagine a guy did the above to you (who for this situation has no interest in casual sex and wants a relationship) would you stick around or cut your losses?

[inber]

Well, he was probably hoping for an erection that didn't happen, so he made up a rubbish excuse.

[Cloverene]

Jen, fair point. But if that is the case, how can I turn this around?

[inber]

Jen if you don't want sex it's best not to lie on top of a woman.

[Gliblet]

Next time you see him apologise for making him uncomfortable and ask to talk - if he's willing, explain that you weren't looking for a relationship when you met him but have realised that you want to get to know him better, spend more time with him and make a proper go of it.

[Cabrinha]

Ugh.
I think he's the one that dodged a bullet.
You're the headfuck - one minute you want him then you don't.
And your use of the phrase "cheap sex". I'm happy with sex not in a relationship but if anyone had the attitude that put the "cheap" value on it, I'd run a mile.

A cheap shag with someone I have to face over the charity work, who doesn't seem to know of she wants to date or not.

Not that hard to turn down.

[Gliblet]

inber do we not accept that sometimes people change their minds? Ffs if a woman posted on here and said she'd changed her mind at the last minute because it looking like a guy just wanted a one nighter and she wanted a relationship, and it hadn't immediately been accepted by him, people would be saying delete his number, avoid him, go NC...

[LurcioAgain]

As peggy says, not everyone is into ONS. What I'm getting out of what you're saying is a very strong sense of a mismatch in values - not that one of you is right and the other wrong, just that they're different. That being the case, and given that he seems to have drawn right back, can I suggest that perhaps you feeling "he's the one" is in fact a case of "I want what I've just been told I can't have"? (I was very prone to this in my dating years). I think perhaps it's time to chalk this one up to experience and move on. When a relationship is right, in my experience, it tends to simply work, without endless angsting and trying to second-guess the other person's thought processes. If you're having to worry this much about it, it isn't working.

[Prayingforsnow]

I agree with cabrinha.

You sound very confused and must have been sending him mixed messages. First you want a relationship, then you only wanted sex and told him so, now you have decided you want a relationship after all .

[Cloverene]

the lying on top was both before and after the sex conversation....

[lorelei9]

Did you call it "cheap" to get more people to look at the thread?

[Yseulte]

Jen if you don't want sex it's best not to lie on top of a woman.

So no-one has the right of refusal past a certain point?

[Yseulte]

Agreed Giblet

[Kirkenes]

You both sound a bit daft. I'm a bit about him 'insisting' that he return to your flat. It makes it sound like you didn't want him too.

Was a lot of alcohol involved?

[CocktailQueen]

Never available at weekends or evenings? Until one weekend when he's suddenly available?

He's married.

[Cabrinha]

You've spent enough time with him to know whether you want to date him.
How can you go from not interested to thinking he's "the one" over night?

Your language about this is quite dramatic and value laden; cheap sex, the one.

He's not "the one". At most, he's someone you want to date.

Plenty of people are happy to touch, cuddle, lie on top etc without having sex first time.

Especially if you're not interested and just after sex, which you were then.

It's one thing to offer "just sex", another to offer "cheap sex". I'd give and take the former, run a mile from the latter. In any sex I have to feel respected, not cheap.

The fact you use the word "astonished" about him declining, and see sex as "cheap" suggests to me that you see sex as a tool to make someone like you. That you cheapen yourself. That's not attractive.

[Fintan]

Ok can someone help me out here because I'm too old to be so confused :

I wasn't interested in him but wanted sex and think he may be the one?

[Fintan]

xpost with Cabrinha

[Cloverene]

I definitely do not see sex as a tool. A man invites himself to my home, when I am in not such a great state due to alcohol, I think most rational people would assume the guy wants sex. Therefore, for him to subsequently decline, seems odd.

[Cloverene]

I do think there is someone in the background, the more I think about it. He may have a partner. Would explain most of his behaviours.

[HarmlessChap]

I still wasn't really interested in him, but he is attractive and I wanted sex

Imagine if a guy posted here saying

I still wasn't really interested in her, but she is attractive and I wanted sex

What kind of reaction would he get??

All sorts of possibilities here including that he's got some personal standards to maintain.

[lorelei9]

Actually, on the "cheap" thing...maybe he felt like you'd shag anyone that night and that put him off
I know that kind of attitude lures some in but I bet it puts off just as many.

[inber]

If you were really drunk OP, you were legally unable to give consent.

[TokenGinger]

I think most rational people would assume the guy wants sex.

What if your rationale is flawed? What if he thinks, most rational people would not have sex with somebody the first time they've gone out so she will most definitely know I only want to come back to talk?

[Meeep]

Maybe he's married.

Maybe he thought when he came to yours you'd both tell each other you had feelings for each other and agree to date, and then have sex, but when you said you just wanted the sex he wasn't interested.

Maybe he was too drunk.

You've laid your cards on the table now, he'll either come back to you or not. I don't think there's anything else for you to do at this point.