Man does not want cheap sex

[Cloverene]

Just after a bit of advice really, as struggling to understand what has happened here and why;

I met a lovely guy through a charity club. He is mid 30's, very intelligent and not super sociable. I was interested in him as a friend, but as the weeks/months passed, I began to grow attracted to him.

At the very onset, he kept telling me I would make a wonderful girlfriend and pursued me slightly. Always looking to talk to me during our charity events. I never heard from him much in the evenings/weekends, and he would always decline weekend catch ups. I would often invite him for drinks etc as at that stage I saw him as a friend, so when he declined, I didn't think anything of it.

One weekend he became very keen to meet me for dinner. The time wasn't right for me, so I had to decline. Fast forward a few weeks and we end up at the same pub, drinking. He insisted on coming back to my place after. At this stage, I still wasn't really interested in him, but he is attractive and I wanted sex.

We talked a lot at my place, but when it became time to do the deed, he declined and said he will only do it if in a relationship.

I was quite astonished. He ended up going home. He has now gone semi NC with me.

Under normal circumstances, I would just move on. But I think this guy could be the one, so I am feeling slightly flat about what to do, if anything? It is unclear to me what has happened here?

[TempusEedjit]

Just goes to show how people can put on a nice front in public that hides the real them. Your "lovely guy" was obviously not so lovely after all!

[BlondeOnATreadmill]

He's not that into you. End of.

[Destinysdaughter]

Well thank God you didn't have sex with him then! The being Unavailable at weekends was a massive clue but not always easy to put 2 and 2 together when you're in it.

How do you feel about it all now?

[Cloverene]

For anyone interested, I did a bit of soul searching. Really thought about my actions and what happened between us and the subsequent behaviours.

Started to do some digging too as when I re-read some of the messages he sent, something clicked that I didn't see as clearly then.

To all those posters who said he was attached...you were right. Turns out he has been in a 2 year relationship with another woman. Guess he felt too guilty to do the deed!

[Heatherjayne1972]

Let him go. If he's meant to be in your life he'll pop up again.

[MiscellaneousAssortment]

Sounds like you both wanted different things at different times.

Your confusion and ideas around cheap sex seem to be setting up a dynamic of attraction which is based on disrespect and not actually being very nice to each other.

I'd question why you want to create this dynamic?

I don't think you should beat yourself up about this stuff. But I do think it might be good to have a think about why you are wanting to create this dynamic.

Be nice to yourself, and expect others to treat you nicely... and of course, being nice to others follows on :)

[Fatrascals]

Yes, I think it's time you chalked it up and moved on.
You've waited months before you've worked out that you are interested.....he's forgotten all about it no doubt by now.


Your thread title is so bad it's hilarious.....I actually thought it was a joke. I think you should realise that there is actually something very attractive and normal about a man who doesn't want "cheap sex" rather than something puzzling about him.

[HormonalHeap]

Sounds like he's just a normal, nice person. My dh definitely wouldn't have slept with me till we were in a committed relationship. Guess he's looking for someone wanting the same.

[HandyWoman]

I think as he never got in touch evenings/weekends, he's very much married and his wife was away and then the guilt factor got in the way of his erection and now he's done a runner. He is ashamed of the whole Job Lot of it all, and is now NC.

As for you, I think you are really confused about who and what you want - you became attracted over time yet still weren't interested by the time he came back to yours, but felt after he did a runner that maybe he's 'the one' (boak - correction - there's no such thing).

You'll both do well to steer well clear of each other!

[Twinklestein]

Either he's married or he was into you and now he's not, or both.

[LurcioAgain]

Good luck OP. In my experience any multi-year relationship takes a long time to get over. I remember splitting with my ex, leaving it a whole year before I tried OLD, fixing up a date with an extremely nice guy, and having to apologise to him profusely saying "I honestly thought a year was long enough, but now I'm here, I'm in a complete panic and I realise a year wasn't anywhere near long enough..." He was very nice about it (and will have been a great catch for someone whose head was in a better place). Be gentle with yourself, and try to give yourself enough time and space to work out what exactly it is you're looking for.

[Crispbutty]

He could just be a bloke with morals who wanted to make sure you got home ok and didnt want to sleep with a pissed woman.

[AnyFucker]

I think that he is married is the best explanation here. He has found some less complicated extra marital sex elsewhere.

[suzannecaravaggio]

Maybe he thinks He's a player and He's trying to pull off some complex Machiavellian strategy to get you to do his bidding?

[HarmlessChap]

I've been trying to put myself in his place here which isn't easy as its many years since I was last single.

However, assuming that I had feelings for a woman; the thought that she might want to simply use me for sex, basically treating me as a penis with a person attached, but with no prospect of it leading to a relationship would tell me that if I go along with it I will get hurt and the best way to protect myself from that happening is to try and put this woman out of my thoughts and move on.

The 2 small brains have quite high voting rights alongside the big one, so it probably took some mental fortitude to walk away then it was offered on a plate.

[SuperFlyHigh]

Just seen your update. Unfortunately yes, it's best just to leave it for now. Don't be too hard on yourself these things happen.

if you are still recovering from a 10 year relationship then take it easy.

There are lots of other threads on relationships board which are great ie Dating Thread etc.

[Cabrinha]

Why all the drama though?

Why would you just text "hi X. I really enjoyed getting to know you last year, and I'm sorry that I know I threw out some mixed messages. I was recently out of a LTR at the time and really didn't have my head straight. My life's a bit more settled now! I realise that I miss spending time with you, and regret that I didn't explore what might have happened. Would you be interested in a 'start again' drink on Sat night?"

Although tbh I actually don't think he's the one at all, or you wouldn't have been like that with him in the first place.

[Cloverene]

Appreciate all the messages. Has been good to get some outside perspective. I fully admit my behaviours and attitudes have not been great, I have been very confused.

My reason for not wanting anything more at the time was due to just ending a 10 year relationship, but maybe I am still recovering from that.

Was hoping to salvage the situation with this man, but it seems impossible. Guess it's one to chalk up to experience.

[Cabrinha]

You sound even more like a headfuck now.

You wanted sex. He didn't. He was keen to meet after, you weren't.

How do you think he felt after that?

If he were my friend I'd tell him to run a mile from the drunken changeable woman who thinks all men like cheap sex.

If you were my friend I'd tell you to get your head straight before you dated again, never let a man insist he can come in, and never get into a drunken state on a first date when you should have your wits about you. And to clean up your attitude towards men and assuming their standards for sex are low.

[Fairenuff]

I think you've messed him around too much OP and he's not going to risk getting involved. Chalk this one up to experience and move on.

[lorelei9]

You are not having semi NC problems with him
He's politely trying to keep out of your way I guess
Move on already

[AlwaysHopeful1]

I think I would respect him a bit more tbh. Sounds like he doesn't enjoy sleeping around and I wouldn't too. I could only be with someone if I'm in a relationship. It doesn't mean either one is wrong, just that you have different boundaries.

[Cloverene]

I should have pointed out before, but a few months have passed since that night.

Immediately after he was very keen to meet to catch up etc. I wasn't keen given the confusing behaviours from him on that night.

Once I got my head straight a few months later, I now want to take things further and it is now I am having these semi NC problems with him.

[SuperFlyHigh]

So much has been going on here... There's the possibility he has a girlfriend/wife or he is just cautious (very intelligent and not super sociable leap out at me from your OP) about who he starts a relationship with and when.

After all you turned him down one weekend for dinner.

I think you've crossed wires a bit with him and the sex stuff - not sure what to make of that but when he said he didn't want to have sex unless he was in a relationship then I believe him and he I think is confused by your motives wasn't sure if it was a ONS on offer when he came back to yours etc.

To be blunt I don't think he's now interested in a relationship with you or sex.

Don't get me wrong I've had ONS in past so I'm far from a prude!

[LIZS]

Sounds like you have very different boundaries. Look out for yourself and consider what might have happened if the desires had been reversed or you changed your mind, you put yourself in a potentially vulnerable situation.