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Original poster

Why would anyone become the OW?

547 replies

StillAgainstTheWind · 25/01/2016 16:10

I am mystified as to why any woman would knowingly become the OW.

My friend's marriage was destroyed by her DH's affair last year. Why would any woman choose to sleep with a married man especially one with children?

Statiscally I imagine those affairs that end in a happy, faithful marriage between the affair partners are a tiny minority.

Getting a shag from a single bloke isn't fucking difficult. If a woman is just after sex there's plenty of options other than a married man.

And if it's the soulmates bullshit, well it takes a lot of fucking steps to get to the point of feeling that way.

The reality for most is, I would guess, a snatched hour or two of furtive fucking. Lots of time waiting around for a call or text. Being let down at the last minute.

Why would anyone settle for so little? You hear of women who wait years for the man to leave and he never does. Their whole life on hold waiting for an event that doesn't happen.

How is it justified by OW morally. The man is the one who made the vows I guess?

My friend's husband was a knob anyway and was thinking with his dick. But he didn't make the OW any promises and months later I can't see the appeal for her.

OP posts:
Strawberryshortcake40 · 05/02/2016 23:45

A lot of men talk utter shit to some degree. But I honestly don't think anybody could love him enough, it would be exhausting and take up every bit of time. I really do believe their marriage is pretty happy on the whole and of course I don't know that but it seems that way.

Yes I can see the easy answer to not having guilt is to walk away. That's actually quite hard in this situation when you have loved someone for three years. The good bits outweigh the guilt mostly.

Strawberryshortcake40 · 05/02/2016 23:47

If it wasn't me it would be somebody else. Maybe somebody who would tell her and try to split them up. I'm not naive enough to think that without me their life would be perfect.

I met him on a dating site. He was out there looking, it wasn't as if our eyes met across the office.

Lovehandles · 05/02/2016 23:56

Well said harrassed I agree too...
I was the ow when married myself, both of us as in me and mm were unhappy but unable to leave at that point, however he didn't 'run for the hills' and we are not together properly some years later
One size definitely does not fit all

Lovehandles · 05/02/2016 23:57

now together I mean

AnyFucker · 05/02/2016 23:57

Fucking hell

TheFormidableMrsC · 05/02/2016 23:58

My God, I wish somebody would put that poor woman in the picture. What an utterly disgusting ct he is...and lucky old you Strawberry.

God I want to vomit. The age old OW get out clause "if it wasn't me it would be somebody else". Have some fucking self respect.

Scootering · 05/02/2016 23:58

I've been an ow several times.

First like someone else here when I was a teen and he was a teacher. He said he'd never been in love before etc. I thought he would leave. He didn't.

After that I went off the rails and slept with anyone who asked me, which included lots of MM. I thought all men were bastards tbh.

I met my husband when we were both married to other people - who had cheated on us. We left our marriages within weeks of meeting each other but didn't get together physically until a few months afterwards - not that I think that makes any difference, really.

Strawberryshortcake40 · 06/02/2016 00:01

I have plenty of self respect. I was merely answering the original post, which surely I am "qualified" to do so. I'm well aware that cheating is a terrible thing, it is also incredibly common and not all OW are bad people. The one in your situation sounds absolutely vile and I have a friend dealing with one very similar.

TheFormidableMrsC · 06/02/2016 00:05

Sorry Strawberry, you are not a nice person however you like to dress it up. You have a friend dealing with the shit I have, yet still you persist? You and people like you are the reason that I will never ever again have a relationship. Fuck that.

Strawberryshortcake40 · 06/02/2016 00:06

I do feel a lot of guilt. I got into a situation I shouldn't have for a whole host of reasons and I fell in love. It happens even though it shouldn't. I would choose to be with him if I could but he doesn't want that. And eventually I will walk away because it won't be enough anymore. At the moment it just about is.

I have been hit by the karma bus over this many times I can assure you, my life is shattered compared to where it was before him. I'm sure I have deserved it in the eyes of many but I am not a bad person.

Strawberryshortcake40 · 06/02/2016 00:08

Yes and my friend knows about me. And understands. Because she knows who I am as a person and what led me to that and how I now struggle to cut the ties.

paxillin · 06/02/2016 00:17

I don't understand how anyone, OW or OM can get past "s/he did it to her/him, s/he'll do it to me". I have never seen a lasting happy relationship that started as an affair.

Most people have a dating and relationship modus operandi and stick to it.

JonesTheSteam · 06/02/2016 00:19

Strawberry

I know somebody who's been the 'OW' for close on 20 years..

She claims she doesn't mind. And she knows he has no intention of leaving his wife.

20 years of waiting around for some one to decide if they're free for that evening. 20 years of Christmases alone, birthdays which don't coincide with times he can get away, etc.

If that's the sort of life that makes you happy, crack on...

Strawberryshortcake40 · 06/02/2016 00:24

The difference is I don't need Christmasses/Birthdays. I have DC to spend those with. Like I said at the moment on the whole it works for me. It won't always as at some stage I will want a proper relationship I guess. And eventually I will get resentful of all I have lost along the way (marriage, house, 100% with my DC, job, health...).

TheFormidableMrsC · 06/02/2016 00:25

....you will also get found out Strawberry, eventually, one way or another. I wouldn't wish on anybody what my children and I have had to deal with because of my husband's infidelity. My children particularly...the actual pain of it is hard to describe...bereavement at best..

Strawberryshortcake40 · 06/02/2016 00:32

Not everybody gets found out. And who is to say that his wife doesn't know and is happy to accept that? I have a friend who is doing exactly that, she knows full well what her DH is up to but doesn't want to give up the lifestyle (but was perfectly happy to give up the sex!).

And of course I don't know that but I also don't know how she would react if she knew. I expect she would be devastated. I'm well aware I don't know that exact pain but I've had lots of other types thrown at me and I know that it is an awful thing I am doing. But I left my DH, I sorted out my side of things, I tried to make that side of it ok. I'm not merrily whipping of my knickers for "an hour or two of furtive fucking".

TheFormidableMrsC · 06/02/2016 00:33

So, Strawberry, you gave up everything for this twat and he's given up what exactly?

TheFormidableMrsC · 06/02/2016 00:34

...and no you have literally no idea of the pain people like you cause. You have DC's, I'd love you to see what it's done to mine!!

Strawberryshortcake40 · 06/02/2016 00:35

Nothing at all.

And I know I'm still the enemy to many people but if I could turn back the clock I would. Now I'm utterly in love with him and it's hard to just walk away.

JonesTheSteam · 06/02/2016 00:39

Isn't it patently obvious he doesn't love you, though, strawberry?

I feel so sorry for you, from what you've posted.

BlahBlahfuckingBlah · 06/02/2016 00:39

Have Nced for this post, I was an OW. We met at work and honestly it just hit me. The spark between us was undeniable, I was also married at the time but was really unhappy. Anyway we embarked on our affair and I decided that I couldn't be the OW and said we either do this properly or not at all.

We have now been together 10 years and have 2 children, sometimes people are with the wrong people. I'm not excusing my OW-ness and it's my only regret that we didn't wait until we were both free but knew we were made for each other. Our relationship is as strong as ever and we trust each other.

Strawberryshortcake40 · 06/02/2016 00:42

Please don't feel sorry for me!

I think he does. In his own way. Which isn't the way I do! It's mainly coffees, lunches, days out. Weekends away. Mutiple phone calls a day. It's a relationship of sorts not what was described on the OP.

FellOutOfBedTwice · 06/02/2016 00:53

Oh strawberry you're worth so much more than this. I loved my MM utterly (I was the young poster who's MM was her teacher) and tried to tell myself it was "all okay" and that I didn't mind the never being first in line etc, that it suited me. I did for four years and I think I cried every single one of those. I have never forgotten the loneliness or the sadness he made me feel.

I am not condemning you or saying you're a bad person, I'm telling you all this because I wish someone had told me. You can be loved by someone you love too and you can be first choice and you are good enough. Please, please, please don't waste another day on this sad excuse for a man who may love you (I think mine loved me too) but who doesn't love you enough.

Love isn't always enough.

You poor thing. My heart breaks for you. You deserve more.

Strawberryshortcake40 · 06/02/2016 00:58

Really I'm fine. I spent eighteen years in a marriage with a man who broke me emotionally. So for now maybe this is a choice that works for me, albeit a bad one for everyone else involved. Men on the whole terrify me (heap of childhood trauma stuff there!) MM doesn't. He's the only man I've ever met who doesn't. So I stick with it for now.

SongBird16 · 06/02/2016 08:51

I understand that you love him strawberry, and that it would be difficult to give him up, but you must if you want any chance of happiness.

When I discovered stbx's affair it had been going on for several years. He loved her, but desperately didn't want to lose his 'real life' for her, she wasn't worth that.

I kicked him out anyway and he's with her now, but pleads to come home every time he speaks to me. He says he's with her because it's cheaper than renting a flat, and because he doesn't want to be alone.

Our children, all teenagers, hate him. I mean truly despise him. He has phoned every single night, and visited twice a week, for almost a year but they won't see him. He is heartbroken, and so are they. They are all in counselling, one attempted suicide. They were happy kids before, and had the closest relationships with their dad I've ever seen, they did things together, he was their hero.

You love your man, but so do his wife and kids.

Yes if it wasn't you it would be someone else. Let it be someone else then. Don't let it be you responsible for the unimaginable hurt when it inevitably happens. Make a choice that allows you to look in the mirror and know you tried to do the right thing in the end.

I can't tell you how much my kids hate the ow. I have had to restrain them from going to her house many times. They have contacted her on social media. Why would you want to be that person, responsible for that?

Even if he ends up with you, it won't be from choice, or he'd have been with you within the first six months. You're the bit on the side, it's all you'll ever be, if you're happy with that then ok, but consider what you're doing to innocent people and get out of it.