His relationship with his ex

[Saymyname123]

I've been seeing my partner for about a year.
We got together shortly after we both left our ex partners.
We both have young children.
Whilst my split has been acrimonious and full of tension and anger. His seems to have gone text book smoothly.
He is adamant there are no feelings there, she did want him back for a long time but that fight seems to have wained now.

What I find difficult to understand is that they still get on so well, he is happy to text away to her about her life even if it's not relevant to the children.
He buys her thoughtful birthday and christmas gifts (from the children) and they have been on two outings in the last month, all for no reason at all other than they all fancied a day out together.

Their days out have become more regular since the latter end of last year, I understand it is nice for them all to get on and be able to do things such as birthday parties, school events etc but random days out seems odd to me.

My ex and I are just about on speaking terms, we broke up why would we want to spend any time together other than the absolute bare minimum we have to.
We are polite and never argue in front of out child but other than that we are uninvolved in each other's.

Is it weird or am I just over thinking the situation ?! I'm yet to meet his children also and he is not ready to mine.

I have a lot of contact with my ex, been split up for 11 years now.
I'm married, he gets married this year.
We text, have coffee, look after each others subsequent children.
I also have a fair bit of contact with his partner which can be anything from serious, to jokes, to asking favours from each other.

They are both lovely, lovely people and our dd has such an easy life with no animosity, feeling like she needs to keep secrets, or choose one of us over the other.
I imagine she's not so keen on our close relationship when it comes to us backing each other up with things like phone bans

If it's too much for you op, I think that's ok, but I don't think he's doing anything wrong.

I was a friend nothing went on no behind the scenes texting, meet ups we worked together and got on but it was more coincidence than any type of back stabbing or affair.

I haven't met his children no.
She knew about me yes as she was very upset about it when we decided to see each other officially.
Were not living together or anything like that, we still work together etc.

If I was her I wouldn't want to be spending time with him and the kids as he has a partner.
If she had a partner I'm doubtful she'd be doing it.
Then the issue isn't with her it's more why does he feel the need to spend the time with them all as a family when he has someone else he could be sharing it with!

I think you need to let him go. You spend one day a week together and he is still on the phone with her.

Maybe he is being pulled back to his family, maybe he is having his cake and eating it but it's leaving you with a bad taste in your mouth.

If this doesn't feel right for you walk away.

There is having adult conversations with each other when you have split up and then there is almost having one foot back in the reladtionship which I think he has.

Op I can see that you're not suggesting that your partner needs to hate is ex so I'm not sure why some posters are suggesting that. Something is clearly not sitting right with you here though and you need to listen to your gut. If his level of contact with his ex is making you feel uncomfortable then you need to decide whether you can work through it or decide that it's not for you and walk away from the relationship.

He clearly feels that he needs this level of contact with his ex so there probably isn't much you can do to change that. It does sound a little odd that he is saying things like 'looking forward to seeing you...' though are you sure this was to his ex and not to one of his children on the phone? If it was to his ex then I think you need to work out whether you can live with this level of contact and if not then you need to walk away.

They obviously get on well which is nice for the kids but it's a bit odd to go on days out etc.

It seems he fell out of love with her but she didn't with him?

My guess would be:

He got bored. Left her. She wanted him back.

Then she got over him a bit. Things calmed down. They started to get on. He's realised a) how well they actually get on and b) the grass isn't always greener. Plus she's not as needy any more. She's getting over him. Hmm (thinks he) actually we do get on rather well. Maybe I'm not so bored after all. Omg what if she TOTALLY gets over me and finds someone else?! 😦

So he keeps her sweet with attention and outings and thoughtful presents, and phone calls and texts.

Like many blokes who leave their DWs he's realising what he's lost. He's obviously missing her and the DCs.

If I were you I'd prepare myself for him at least attempting a reconciliation with her at some point.

Perhaps your right and there are underlying feelings there for him.
I don't think he'd be honest any way , until he knew how he certainly felt he'd probably deny it to me and himself ?!

A year is a long time to suddenly realise you miss your family though ?! Or am I naive to think that?

Not sure.

I think it's about the average time for the gloss of a new relationship to wear off though.

Thanks everyone.
Obviously it's something we will have to sit and discuss.
I'm not comfortable with their level of contact etc and I guess if that's what he wants it's a game changer.
Either that or he is unhappy with me and is missing them as a previous poster said.

My ex and I got back together a year after we split for three months broke up again because he'd met someone else while we split the first time they were together three years if it wasn't for her I think we would of had a chance at working things out. He was very immature and found being a dad quite hard she was a single party girl who didn't want or need him to grow up. I wish she'd thought about our children and just stepped back. Twenty years on we are both happily married to other people and all very good friends we socialise regularly.

I don't know if that is what he wants though as I said he probably won't admit it unless he was out the door anyway!
It might be as some said that they are just very mature parents but being a parent myself even if I liked my ex as a friend we wouldn't be out for lunch with out daughter or shopping etc !!
Gifts aren't jewellery all be it inexpensive or from a favourite shop they are just a simple acknowledgement from the child.
I completely understand christmas birthday etc but surely the dynamic would change once they have partners and that's what is confusing me

If you have spoken and it doesn't feel right to you and you don't like their relationship - you have to move on. It might be you, it might be him but find someone in a situation where you don't feel like this.

It's only after I heard him speaking to her on the phone all be it briefly saying " I look forward to seeing you. Shall we take the kids .... Tomorrow ".
That couples with the fact they get on so well makes me wonder and unsettles me ....

You keep talking about what you would or would not do with your ex, or if you were him and even presumed how his exw would be if she had a partner but they are not you op. They don't have to do, feel or act the way you do. These are the difficulties when you choose to have a relationship with someone who has just split their husband or wife and have children. You knew about his wife and kids and probably about their lives being a friend and working together, so you were not in the dark to his situation.

You have been together a year, not met the kids and see each other once a week. It doesn't sound a serious relationship to me. Many posters have talked about how they have good and regular communication with their ex's. You should be grateful it is amicable because the opposite would make life much harder believe me. Step back, his wife isn't going anywhere although I also wouldn't be too happy about the days out and would have to tell him how I felt. But from your posts op as someone else said, I think you should find someone else whose situation you would be more happy with

I understand that you would do things differently. And are doing. But why do you think your way is the right way? Isn't his way better for the kids, if it's possible?

So speak to your partner, make sure they realise that this unsettles you and there are two options
They change their relationship with ex to make you feel comfortable and you carry on.
Or
They carry on their relationship with ex and you have to decide if the positives in your relationship outweigh this and can you deal with it.
Remember everyone is different and some can deal with it and some can't. no right or wrong just the way it is.

I don't think mine is the right way as such.
They broke up for a reason - how is still spending time as a family so regularly going to help two small children understand what's going on.
It's not unheard of no but very uncommon.
It's great they get on well but I feel they are far too friendly and it unnerves me that he is still helping solve problems or chatting away with her that aren't child related.

I'm sure even tiny kids will be pretty clear about the fact that their parents no longer live together. And even tiny ones could understand that their family doesn't live together but everyone gets on well. I think you worry that he is keeping her on a string. And maybe he is, no one on here can know.

Why don't you just be honest? It is NOT about the small kids. It is not about what is normal. It is not about what is common or uncommon. You just don't like that he is this close to a woman whom he once loved, slept with, and has children with.

It is clearly a dealbreaker for you, so you need to end things now, before your families become too involved. Then find someone else who has similar views to you on how exes should interact.

What you cannot do is to nag and pester him into changing what, from all accounts, sounds like a mature and supportive relationship that acknowledges that love comes in many forms and will ultimately stabilise his children's lives.

Sorry perhaps it is my end that needs to change and accept.

Sorry, OP, but I'm another person who thinks this is not a serious relationship for your partner, in fact he seems from all you say more like a boyfriend. Proper boundaries are formed when a person has taken their time to work through a process in their own mind. Your BF seems still attached to exW. Google 'divorced husband syndrome'.

Ok if you want that, but I wouldn't.

Whilst it is great that they have remained friendly, it does sound unusual that they spend so much time together and I don't blame you for being concerned.

And for what it's worth, my ex wanted to come back after a year having realised the grass was not greener. He used to try to set up family day trips and birthday celebrations and I had to put boundaries in place as I didn't think it was appropriate.

I suppose all you can do is hang on in there and see if your relationship gradually becomes more serious or you end it and let them get on with it.

Due to the reason my ex and I split I hated him for about a year, slowly I realised this hatred got me no where and that as part of the bigger picture we needed to get on. As time went by our communication improved. We did the odd family thing together like a day out and spent the day together on our dds birthday. Even now, two years on we communicate well. If either of us are ill/running late etc etc we're always happy to help each other out. We'll chat about dd daily and have a joke about anything funny she has said etc. Yes I am sad we never worked out, but no, I don't want us to get together.

My OH however does not get on at all with his ex. They hate each other with a passion. They are unable to communicate without an arguement. I often feel
Sorry that they can't even be in the same room without kicking off.

I know which id prefer...

However on the flip side, I think whoever my ex ends up in a relationship with, may feel threatened by our relationship

After a year I think it is odd that he hasn't introduced you to the DC and has no interest in meeting yours. You only see each other once a week. Why is that?

It sounds like he is keeping you at a distance somewhat and I can understand you feel a bit shut out.

FWIW I wouldn't date someone who was still having days out with their wife - you don't mention a divorce?

When me and my ex split up we still talked pretty regularly as friends as well as going out with our son together. It made our son happy and helped him because he still got to spend time with both parents in the same room and doing fun activities (like say going to a farm).

That all changed when my ex met a new person who decided that it was totally inappropriate, that we should only see each other at handovers and I wasn't even allowed in the house he moved into with her for the most part.

Our son was really sad about it actually and I thought she was territorial and doing her best to try to dilute the shared bond me, my ex and our son had.

We had no intention of getting back together, we both had new partners. We also got on WAY better apart than together because the things that pissed us off about living together and being in a romantic relationship were no longer there.

I think it's really nice if parents can still be friends and spend time together all in the same room or at the same place. I think it's really unfair on the children to expect them to pretty much never see both parents together other than standing on doorsteps and handing the kids over (if there are no real issues of acrimony or abuse etc).

It might well be that they are rediscovering the things they like about each other now that they are not living together. That doesn't mean they are going to decide to get back together, it might just mean they are able to feel affectionate and caring towards each other because they have this bond of being parents of their kids and having been married.

I don't think there is anything wrong with that in terms of him being out of order. However it's clear this is not the sort of set-up you can handle, and youre not wrong for your feelings either. What it does mean is that you are incompatible with him.

I think it sounds a bit push me pull me i.e it was fine while she wanted him back but now she's moving forward and not wanting him back this may have re-ignited his interest hence the stepping up of days out and contact. If she keeps this up he may end up wanting to go back to her. Some people are only interested when the other isn't.

Does she not have a partner? Maybe if she did your OH would be less inclined to text and meet up with her so often....and you wouldn´t feel so threatened?

Anyway, I too would feel a bit uncomfortable but I would just give the benefit of the doubt, unless there were any real red flags that he might want to get back with her or vice versa. It´s a difficult one though.....

He´s not done anything wrong though has he and he´s just wanting to spend time with his kids. Hopefully if you can meet eachothers´ kids sooner rather than later that would help, as wannaBe says.