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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Relationships

His relationship with his ex

89 replies

Saymyname123 · 24/01/2016 11:05

I've been seeing my partner for about a year.
We got together shortly after we both left our ex partners.
We both have young children.
Whilst my split has been acrimonious and full of tension and anger. His seems to have gone text book smoothly.
He is adamant there are no feelings there, she did want him back for a long time but that fight seems to have wained now.

What I find difficult to understand is that they still get on so well, he is happy to text away to her about her life even if it's not relevant to the children.
He buys her thoughtful birthday and christmas gifts (from the children) and they have been on two outings in the last month, all for no reason at all other than they all fancied a day out together.

Their days out have become more regular since the latter end of last year, I understand it is nice for them all to get on and be able to do things such as birthday parties, school events etc but random days out seems odd to me.

My ex and I are just about on speaking terms, we broke up why would we want to spend any time together other than the absolute bare minimum we have to.
We are polite and never argue in front of out child but other than that we are uninvolved in each other's.

Is it weird or am I just over thinking the situation ?! I'm yet to meet his children also and he is not ready to mine.

OP posts:

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springydaffs · 30/01/2016 12:21

Heck, why not have her round to stay? You could all share a bed - if you listen to what posters are saying here, that should be fine. In fact you have a problem if you mind. You're just not enlightened enough op tsk tsk

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springydaffs · 30/01/2016 12:24

Bonkers responses here. Now you' re so selfish, so unenlightened, you're damaging the kids. You bad bad woman you

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BunnyTyler · 30/01/2016 18:23

What a load of shite Springydaffs.

It's nobodies business other than the man and his ex wife what sort of relationship they have following separation.

If you don't want to be in a relationship with someone who still has a friendly relationship with their ex and the mother of their children, then the answer is simple:
Don't be in a relationship with them.

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springydaffs · 30/01/2016 21:52

Whoa! Not so adult now, bunny

There's a world of difference between coffees now and again, helping out now and again, to regular days out. Days!

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LeaLeander · 30/01/2016 22:04

Exactly, Bunny.

It never fails to amaze me that women who get involved with men who have children from previous relationships have the gall to act hard done by if he treats his family decently.

I bet her kids would rather be in his kids' situation than vice versa, that's for sure.

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BunnyTyler · 31/01/2016 02:25

How am I not adult?

Is it because I said 'shite'? At my age it's perfectly OK to swear, honest!

Yes, days out. What's wrong with that?
We had Xmas day together as a family and have had (gasp!) days out too for birthdays.

My children happen to be extremely happy that they are still able to have time with both parents at the same time.
I'd much rather that than be barely on speaking terms because it's 'the done thing'.

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Saymyname123 · 31/01/2016 10:03

Thanks all.
I didn't start this thread to start friction.

If I could put it in lay mans terms I should have put " should my boyfriend be seeing so much of his ex?!"

I am unsure. I believe the way I handle things with my ex is the way it should be , it's the most usual way of parenting in my circle and that is why I have questioned it.

For those of you who keep saying it's acceptable and christmas and birthdays - yes I agree. I have written that a million times.
But even the day after his birthday they all went out for lunch together and a shop. That to me isn't the way to handle things.

It's great they get on well. But for all intents and purposes my ex and I do in front of our daughter she sees no angst etc and we can have a conversation with care and without clawing each other's eyes out.

There is no need to be a family any more as it only makes it difficult for new partners on the scene. Also what happens then if she gets a partner and decides these family days are no longer, my ex or visa versa will have then got the children used to something that isn't continuable.

OP posts:

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LeaLeander · 31/01/2016 10:15

Making life easy for new partners on the scene isn't necessarily the primary concern.

If you don't like the situation, leave. You can't ask others to change what is working happily for them just because you are insecure.

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Saymyname123 · 31/01/2016 10:26

It wouldn't bother me so much if there was continuity.

There dynamics have changed in the last five months or so.
Markedly. Not what they were doing or how they were conducting themselves. So yes it has left me feeling slightly insecure !!

OP posts:

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JapanNextYear · 31/01/2016 10:27

My DH is cooking a Sunday roast for his kids and ex today, I would be there but I'm out doing something else today, that's all fine. She came to our wedding, she pops in so see the kid who lives with us full time and DH is taking her away next month to see kid who is working abroad. I expect when they have grandkids they'll go away and see them together. That's how they manage life. And I'm ok with it.

If you aren't ok with it you probably need to move on.

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BunnyTyler · 31/01/2016 12:51

*There's no need to be a family any more as it only makes it difficult for new partners in the scene
*
**
**
Oh, ok then.
Because it's all about the new partners obviously, and not about the kids or ex partner at all??

If you are not happy with the way he is, then leave.
Nobody is holding a gun to your head to stay.

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LilacSpunkMonkey · 31/01/2016 12:54

But they are a family. Those family ties will always be there.

My ex is still one of my closest friends. We have three kids. Our kids know we are never getting back together but we still have days out and meals together.

We've been friends since we were children. We'll always be friends. Any partners, mine or his, need to accept that or move on.

As do you.

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Binders1 · 31/01/2016 19:26

'I believe the way I handle things with my ex is the way it should be'.
'Its the most usual way of parenting I'm my circle'

You keep coming back to what you think is right and it looks like you can't get past this mentioning it frequently in your posts. Lots of people have given examples of how it isn't unusual in their cases. Every relationship will do different things. There is nothing wrong with the way you feel about it, you're entitled to feel how you feel. All you can do is talk to him but you can't force him to think, feel and act the way you want him to. His ex and children are obviously always going to be in his life. You also say he only sees them a couple of times a month so not even very often and probably why he calls them so much.

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LHReturns · 31/01/2016 19:59

OP, I wouldn't be in a relationship with a man that spent that much time and focus including his ex-wife in his new post-divorce life. My fiancé is a wonderful father but he certainly doesn't see the mother of his first two children as part of his family. After his divorce he built a new family unit for just him and his two children. Then I joined that new family unit. And now we have our own son. I would never have started my family with a man that I couldn't see was prepared to build a new family unit, with me as a core part.

However, your relationship doesn't seem very serious, even after a year. If you only see each other once a week, and no plans to live together, I'm not sure you get to have a powerful view on how he conducts his family life. But you can certainly have a view as to whether you hang around. If I was looking for something serious, then I wouldn't.