His relationship with his ex

[Saymyname123]

I've been seeing my partner for about a year.
We got together shortly after we both left our ex partners.
We both have young children.
Whilst my split has been acrimonious and full of tension and anger. His seems to have gone text book smoothly.
He is adamant there are no feelings there, she did want him back for a long time but that fight seems to have wained now.

What I find difficult to understand is that they still get on so well, he is happy to text away to her about her life even if it's not relevant to the children.
He buys her thoughtful birthday and christmas gifts (from the children) and they have been on two outings in the last month, all for no reason at all other than they all fancied a day out together.

Their days out have become more regular since the latter end of last year, I understand it is nice for them all to get on and be able to do things such as birthday parties, school events etc but random days out seems odd to me.

My ex and I are just about on speaking terms, we broke up why would we want to spend any time together other than the absolute bare minimum we have to.
We are polite and never argue in front of out child but other than that we are uninvolved in each other's.

Is it weird or am I just over thinking the situation ?! I'm yet to meet his children also and he is not ready to mine.

[Saymyname123]

I know that he has not done anything wrong in any sense of fidelity.
I just find it uncomfortable the way that they are still going on days out and that he has been on two in a row in the last month.

I understand it is nice for the children to see two parents together and getting on but in my mind why they need to be so regular I don't know.

They can go two weeks without talking and still end up on a day out, he'll happily talk to her about anything and listen to her problems.

It just seems like he cares too much for someone he didn't love or care about particularly.
At the beginning of their split he wouldn't have considered days out, he didn't even want to be around her he "disliked" her so much it's seems to have swung around and now he has a lot of time for her.

He lets her drive his car when they are together and even offered to lend his credit card to her because she wanted to go shopping and didn't get paid until the week later.

[Inmybackyard]

Honestly, I think you need to back away. Maybe a bit of space has made them realise they feel differently about their split. It's kinder for everyone involved if you let them figure out whether their family can be saved. I'd be uncomfortable in your situation, but as a dispassionate observer I don't see that you have a particularly strong claim to this relationship.

[gatewalker]

Just to put another perspective on things, OP (I'm not saying this is the same for your OH - it's just another way of seeing things):

I am very happily involved with a man, and we don't live together. We see each other every weekend when I go and stay with him.

I live with my ex-DH and our DS - he moved back in two years after we divorced because he needed a place to stay, and I have room.

My ex-DH and I get on very well, barring the odd disagreement. We often find ourselves having a good laugh together. We share history and, most important, we share a child. He also has a DS from his first marriage who stays at the house over most weekends - our DS's half-brother. It's a very happy, if unusual, household.

But the reason we get on is because we're not married. We were awful spouses - pushed all the wrong buttons, both bringing up the pain of our childhoods. We are both relieved we're not married, and while I keep my relationship with my OH very much separate, my ex is very happy for me - as I was for him when he was involved with someone.

Things aren't always straightforward or conventional; and they can still work.

[RedMapleLeaf]

It just seems like he cares too much for someone he didn't love or care about particularly.

Yeah, he does, doesn't he?

[Binders1]

'It just seems like he cares too much for someone he didn't love or care about particularly'.

Of course he loved and cared for her and probably still does but not in the same way. Or maybe he is yearning to have his family back - you can only ask him.

What seems clear is that you are jealous of the time he spends with her, his conversations with her, the gifts he buys for her from the children shouldn't be so expensive etc. All it sounds like is that you would like him to spend more than his one day a week with you, which is totally understandable. Sounds like you feel you are lacking some attention of your own - completely understandable. That's what you should focus on - not their relationship but his relationship with you. If it was possible to introduce the children then that would also make it easier to spend time together?

Perhaps once you feel more secure in your relationship with him, maybe then you will feel less threatened by his relationship with his her? If your relationship doesn't move on/develop and you are not happy with the way it is and need more than he is prepared to give then isn't it time to move on?

[Jan45]

I'd not be happy about the amount of time he is spending with his family - it's great they get on and want the best for their kids but these days out for no reason are just weird - and are bound to make you feel insecure and confused - I find the whole thing odd - he either commits to a relationship or he should tell you he is not ready for it -

I'd be wondering if he is trying to patch things up with her and you're just along for the ride until that happens, either way, he's not treating you in a fair way and is over invested in her life instead of his life with you, she drives his car and he offers to pay for her shopping - for a couple who are not together they certainly don't act that way.

How would he like it if you were doing the same with an ex?

[Saymyname123]

It seems we are all mixed.

Having not dated before where there are previous families involved I am unsure what the correct way to feel is or what is seen as normal.

When you read about divorce or see friends the general consensus is that an ex is an ex and it's all business like and cordial at the door. It's usually a minority that are overly involved in one another's life.

I wanted to know if my situation was normal and I think from the views I have had in return that it is not.

I am pleased they get along.
There is no arguing or tension as far as I know and that is great for their children.
I just feel that the family days and him appeasing her so often is because perhaps he hasn't dealt with their split properly or has unresolved feelings and care towards her.

For me I don't have that I left my ex and It was over for a long time before that. We have a strained but polite relationship for the sake of our daughter.

[Bananasinpyjamas1]

OP I think you need to follow your instincts. If it feels uncomfortable then don't feel that you are being overly jealous by not liking it.

Every new relationship needs a chance to develop, and it can't do that if there isn't clear enough space to grow. An Ex, specially with children, is always going to be a risk as there can be such a pull to the family, and they once loved each other. It is a threat. Maybe now your bfs Ex isn't running after him your bf doesn't want to lose the special value he has in her life. Which is all at your relationships expense.

I'd back off. If he wants you, he'll wake up a bit. Give them time to decide whether they really are separated. I've had the experience of being with a bf who's Ex was still very friendly 'because of the kids' and then went ballistic when I moved in. It's a messy emotional can of worms!

[Saymyname123]

My instincts are only that I don't understand why they need to be so close and do things with each other. Ie day trips and lunches theh can do those things with the kids without being together with one another. He only sees them twice a month so surely he doesn't want her to encroach on that time too

[ivykaty44]

If its all grown up and civilised, then why don't you all go. Ask him if you and him can go out for the day with dc and invite his ex along.

I wonder how civilised it is and whether there is an excuse to not be quite that civilised.....

[Babyorjob]

I wouldn't like it either. It's emotional closeness that's especially loaded because of their history.

You don't have to be okay with it. You're entitled to draw your boundaries where you want them. But you need to be clear, in your own mind and with him, what the consequences are if he violates those boundaries.

[newname99]

How long were they together? I had feelings of responsibility for my ex for a long period of time but I would not have wanted to spend time with him as I felt it would blur the lines.In my mind the relationship was over.

It takes a long time to recover from a marriage failing and a year is no time at all.
I don't think he's ready to move on but perhaps not ready to be alone? Were you his exit strategy?
I think you know what you feel which is less important to him, perhaps he was more attentive in the beginning ?

If you asked him, in a totally safe way, do you have feelings for her? What would be his answer? I would hand on heart be able to say, my ex is not a bad guy, flawed in some ways but totally incompatible with me.I could cite examples where we just don't gel and examples of how my dh & I gel. Can he do this?

[FredaMayor]

I don't understand why they need to be so close and do things with each other. Oh, this is such a sad situation for you, OP.

It's become clear that there are three people in your relationship.
At the start of it you describe P's feelings as having been different towards his exW, but now he seeks her company, lends her his car and money. I don't think he's doing it for the DCs benefit. It seems clear to me that the next thing will be that you will find P gets back together with her.

IMO if you got out now before you were faced with their reconciliation you will feel that at least that part was within your control and you could preserve your self-esteem.

[notarehearsal]

My EXDH left me for the OW. He moved in with her and lived there happily for around ten years before moving onto the next OW. In that time he spent every day off he had here with me and the children, every Birthday ( children) and Christmas day even though he lived a couple of hours drive away. When I went through a trauma unconnected to him he even stayed overnight a couple of times just to give me another adult in the house for support. We shared many memories as we'd been together since we were only just into adulthood ourselves, and also the children. So, in effect, we were still a 'family' though not living together and no longer in love. We got on well ( we don't now but that's a very long story) and we chose to see each other through the years. Surely it's every individual's right to spend time with whom they want to and when they want to, whether they are in another romantic relationship or not?

[notarehearsal]

Forgot to say that during these many years I, of course, had other relationships too but didnt choose to live with anyone else. Maybe that made things more simple from my side anyway

[timelytess]

Dump him. He sees you as the housekeeper and her as the woman in his life. And she has his children. You've lost the war, don't plan another battle, exit the scene with as much dignity as you can gather.

[timelytess]

For 'housekeeper' you can read 'woman who will do for now'. You know, sex, routine stuff. The good stuff is for her and his family.

[JapanNextYear]

They haven't been split for v long, they are trying to find the new normal, it'll change as you meet the kids, if she meets someone else or just through time as the kids get older.

It used to wind me up that dh's ex, who instigated their split, would ring him if she needed stuff fixed, but, thinking back, she was struggling to work out how to be on her own. They do stuff together as a family, tea round her house or our house, they've been away together.

It works for them and works for me. Just because he's with someone else it doesn't erase that family. And it's better than the alternative. So work out your own life and don't dwell on this. Wave them off cheerily and do stuff with your kid, and maybe their dad....

[TooSassy]

Oh dear OP.

Thing is with this situation, no one bar your partner and his ex wife know what is happening here. Maybe they don't even know.
Everyone on here will have their own take on this situation.

Personally? My view is that they are rediscovering life post split. How that life will pan out isn't clear. They may one day decide to give it another go. They may not. I'm not entirely sure if your relationship will feature in his decision. You don't live together and see each other once a week. That's not much commitment if I am entirely honest.

You asked if a year apart means it is too long for them to miss one another?
Not at all. It's long enough for the anger and negative emotions to die down. To date (or try and date and discover the grass isn't greener).
And start to rediscover the very feelings that lead to falling in love the first time may well still be there.

In your shoes as PP posted, I'd remove myself from this situation and see how it pans out.

[missybct]

I think I see what the OP is trying to say here:

Her DP has told her negative things about his ex - like we all do (hence the ex status in one way or another). OP, was your DP really vitriolic about his ex? Like, to the point where you couldn't understand how they are even able to look at each other? And now they're OK?

The thing is, if that is the case (or near enough), the discrepancy with them now seeming very friendly and cordial does feel abnormal. I get what the OP is saying here because I've been there myself. It's not about changing or challenging the amount of he spends with her and his DC, nor how much he speaks to her. It's the discrepancy in what he says to you about her, and then what he displays either with her without your knowledge. It does make you feel uneasy because the two scenario's don't marry together - it doesn't fit the narrative of what you've heard. To you (and many others), if you feel particularly angry towards someone, you keep them at arms length - if they are someone you must engage with (for sake of kids), you still keep them at arms length, albeit with a bit more rope.

It's even worse when both are equally as vitriolic towards each other and you get caught in the middle (experience, it's shit).

The thing is, DC's will always come first. Always. He won't rock the boat anymore than she will, unless one of them has the upper hand on something.

[MistressDeeCee]

Id step away. A partner who wants to share his thoughts and time to such an extent with an ex-partner, is not your partner. You are 3rd-wheeling their relationship

Whilst I see nothing wrong with being friends with an ex, if I respected my current partner there is no way I would be so close that it could be deemed as more than a friendship. I don't buy all this "when you have history with someone its ok". It isn't. If 2 people can't have boundaries and due to a past relationship they have to be that close - and they do sound close from what you say - then there is no future with this man for you. Keep your self-respect, and walk away

Im friends with ex DH. We have 2 children. Whilst we get on well I don't place myself in situations where I regularly spend time with him. Why would I? The priority is the DCs and there is no problem whatsoever with that aspect, all works well. If I did have to be in constant contact with him as part of some extended wistful "if only" love story being played out, I wouldn't expect my current partner to hang around like a mug. Likewise if he was like this with his ex, Id be gone

By the way, the not so good things he told you about her - he is no doubt talking to her about you, too. I never trust men who disrespect their exes, 9 times out of 10 its unfinished business and if the ex gives him leeway, he will start running around her. Dangling you, whilst filliing her head with froth to prevent her moving on too. Not very nice. & its disrespectful to you both

There are better relationships to have. You are just a year in, this is the time to leave them to it if they need to play happy families to this extent then go make a different life for yourself. You aren't a major part of his life, unfortunately.

[springydaffs]

At last a bit of sense on the last page!

He's either with her or he's with you. They can be amiable, of course, they have shared history and children - but regular days out? I don't think so. Apaet from anything it's cruel to her if she's wanted him back for a long time.

And it's not great for you, either. Make your mind up mate, which one is it going to be?

I really cba with this situ op.

[BunnyTyler]

I've been separated from my husband since last August, after I found out he had been having a long term affair.
I don't want him back, I hate what he's done, but I want things to be as amicable as possible for everyone's sake (ours and our children).

He is still with the OW and I have just filed for divorce, but we sometimes go out for coffee, or meet up for lunch still. We have done a couple of days out as a family and he stays for a coffee when he comes round to pick up/drop off the kids (which is 3 times a week).

He has done the weekly shop for me a couple of times and helps out with things on occasion.

Even though he was a twat for having an affair, we were also a good team and good friends prior to our separation.

I think it would achieve nothing to be acrimonious or transactional contact only, the kids know we are never getting back together but appreciate that we still get on reasonably well.
I think it's a grown up & adult way to behave tbh.

[LeaLeander]

OP, he is who he is. You chose to get involved with a man who has close ties to his family including his ex.

it's really unfair to put him on the spot about it or expect him to change in order to continue your relationship. What gives you the right to do that?

The biggest mistake so many women make is to latch on to someone and then expect him to change the parts she doesn't like. If you don't appreciate how he conducts his life, leave. you have no standing and no right to demand he change something that is working for him, his kids and his ex-wife.

[LeaLeander]

Oh and a year is a blink of an eye when it comes to breaking up a household and establishing new routines and traditions that benefit the children. It's nothing. Where is your concern for them???