His relationship with his ex

[Saymyname123]

I've been seeing my partner for about a year.
We got together shortly after we both left our ex partners.
We both have young children.
Whilst my split has been acrimonious and full of tension and anger. His seems to have gone text book smoothly.
He is adamant there are no feelings there, she did want him back for a long time but that fight seems to have wained now.

What I find difficult to understand is that they still get on so well, he is happy to text away to her about her life even if it's not relevant to the children.
He buys her thoughtful birthday and christmas gifts (from the children) and they have been on two outings in the last month, all for no reason at all other than they all fancied a day out together.

Their days out have become more regular since the latter end of last year, I understand it is nice for them all to get on and be able to do things such as birthday parties, school events etc but random days out seems odd to me.

My ex and I are just about on speaking terms, we broke up why would we want to spend any time together other than the absolute bare minimum we have to.
We are polite and never argue in front of out child but other than that we are uninvolved in each other's.

Is it weird or am I just over thinking the situation ?! I'm yet to meet his children also and he is not ready to mine.

[LHReturns]

OP, I wouldn't be in a relationship with a man that spent that much time and focus including his ex-wife in his new post-divorce life. My fiancé is a wonderful father but he certainly doesn't see the mother of his first two children as part of his family. After his divorce he built a new family unit for just him and his two children. Then I joined that new family unit. And now we have our own son. I would never have started my family with a man that I couldn't see was prepared to build a new family unit, with me as a core part.

However, your relationship doesn't seem very serious, even after a year. If you only see each other once a week, and no plans to live together, I'm not sure you get to have a powerful view on how he conducts his family life. But you can certainly have a view as to whether you hang around. If I was looking for something serious, then I wouldn't.

[Binders1]

'I believe the way I handle things with my ex is the way it should be'.
'Its the most usual way of parenting I'm my circle'

You keep coming back to what you think is right and it looks like you can't get past this mentioning it frequently in your posts. Lots of people have given examples of how it isn't unusual in their cases. Every relationship will do different things. There is nothing wrong with the way you feel about it, you're entitled to feel how you feel. All you can do is talk to him but you can't force him to think, feel and act the way you want him to. His ex and children are obviously always going to be in his life. You also say he only sees them a couple of times a month so not even very often and probably why he calls them so much.

[LilacSpunkMonkey]

But they are a family. Those family ties will always be there.

My ex is still one of my closest friends. We have three kids. Our kids know we are never getting back together but we still have days out and meals together.

We've been friends since we were children. We'll always be friends. Any partners, mine or his, need to accept that or move on.

As do you.

[BunnyTyler]

*There's no need to be a family any more as it only makes it difficult for new partners in the scene
*
**
**
Oh, ok then.
Because it's all about the new partners obviously, and not about the kids or ex partner at all??

If you are not happy with the way he is, then leave.
Nobody is holding a gun to your head to stay.

[JapanNextYear]

My DH is cooking a Sunday roast for his kids and ex today, I would be there but I'm out doing something else today, that's all fine. She came to our wedding, she pops in so see the kid who lives with us full time and DH is taking her away next month to see kid who is working abroad. I expect when they have grandkids they'll go away and see them together. That's how they manage life. And I'm ok with it.

If you aren't ok with it you probably need to move on.

[Saymyname123]

It wouldn't bother me so much if there was continuity.

There dynamics have changed in the last five months or so.
Markedly. Not what they were doing or how they were conducting themselves. So yes it has left me feeling slightly insecure !!

[LeaLeander]

Making life easy for new partners on the scene isn't necessarily the primary concern.

If you don't like the situation, leave. You can't ask others to change what is working happily for them just because you are insecure.

[Saymyname123]

Thanks all.
I didn't start this thread to start friction.

If I could put it in lay mans terms I should have put " should my boyfriend be seeing so much of his ex?!"

I am unsure. I believe the way I handle things with my ex is the way it should be , it's the most usual way of parenting in my circle and that is why I have questioned it.

For those of you who keep saying it's acceptable and christmas and birthdays - yes I agree. I have written that a million times.
But even the day after his birthday they all went out for lunch together and a shop. That to me isn't the way to handle things.

It's great they get on well. But for all intents and purposes my ex and I do in front of our daughter she sees no angst etc and we can have a conversation with care and without clawing each other's eyes out.

There is no need to be a family any more as it only makes it difficult for new partners on the scene. Also what happens then if she gets a partner and decides these family days are no longer, my ex or visa versa will have then got the children used to something that isn't continuable.

[BunnyTyler]

How am I not adult?

Is it because I said 'shite'? At my age it's perfectly OK to swear, honest!

Yes, days out. What's wrong with that?
We had Xmas day together as a family and have had (gasp!) days out too for birthdays.

My children happen to be extremely happy that they are still able to have time with both parents at the same time.
I'd much rather that than be barely on speaking terms because it's 'the done thing'.

[LeaLeander]

Exactly, Bunny.

It never fails to amaze me that women who get involved with men who have children from previous relationships have the gall to act hard done by if he treats his family decently.

I bet her kids would rather be in his kids' situation than vice versa, that's for sure.

[springydaffs]

Whoa! Not so adult now, bunny

There's a world of difference between coffees now and again, helping out now and again, to regular days out. Days!

[BunnyTyler]

What a load of shite Springydaffs.

It's nobodies business other than the man and his ex wife what sort of relationship they have following separation.

If you don't want to be in a relationship with someone who still has a friendly relationship with their ex and the mother of their children, then the answer is simple:
Don't be in a relationship with them.

[springydaffs]

Bonkers responses here. Now you' re so selfish, so unenlightened, you're damaging the kids. You bad bad woman you

[springydaffs]

Heck, why not have her round to stay? You could all share a bed - if you listen to what posters are saying here, that should be fine. In fact you have a problem if you mind. You're just not enlightened enough op tsk tsk

[LeaLeander]

Oh and a year is a blink of an eye when it comes to breaking up a household and establishing new routines and traditions that benefit the children. It's nothing. Where is your concern for them???

[LeaLeander]

OP, he is who he is. You chose to get involved with a man who has close ties to his family including his ex.

it's really unfair to put him on the spot about it or expect him to change in order to continue your relationship. What gives you the right to do that?

The biggest mistake so many women make is to latch on to someone and then expect him to change the parts she doesn't like. If you don't appreciate how he conducts his life, leave. you have no standing and no right to demand he change something that is working for him, his kids and his ex-wife.

[BunnyTyler]

I've been separated from my husband since last August, after I found out he had been having a long term affair.
I don't want him back, I hate what he's done, but I want things to be as amicable as possible for everyone's sake (ours and our children).

He is still with the OW and I have just filed for divorce, but we sometimes go out for coffee, or meet up for lunch still. We have done a couple of days out as a family and he stays for a coffee when he comes round to pick up/drop off the kids (which is 3 times a week).

He has done the weekly shop for me a couple of times and helps out with things on occasion.

Even though he was a twat for having an affair, we were also a good team and good friends prior to our separation.

I think it would achieve nothing to be acrimonious or transactional contact only, the kids know we are never getting back together but appreciate that we still get on reasonably well.
I think it's a grown up & adult way to behave tbh.

[springydaffs]

At last a bit of sense on the last page!

He's either with her or he's with you. They can be amiable, of course, they have shared history and children - but regular days out? I don't think so. Apaet from anything it's cruel to her if she's wanted him back for a long time.

And it's not great for you, either. Make your mind up mate, which one is it going to be?

I really cba with this situ op.

[MistressDeeCee]

Id step away. A partner who wants to share his thoughts and time to such an extent with an ex-partner, is not your partner. You are 3rd-wheeling their relationship

Whilst I see nothing wrong with being friends with an ex, if I respected my current partner there is no way I would be so close that it could be deemed as more than a friendship. I don't buy all this "when you have history with someone its ok". It isn't. If 2 people can't have boundaries and due to a past relationship they have to be that close - and they do sound close from what you say - then there is no future with this man for you. Keep your self-respect, and walk away

Im friends with ex DH. We have 2 children. Whilst we get on well I don't place myself in situations where I regularly spend time with him. Why would I? The priority is the DCs and there is no problem whatsoever with that aspect, all works well. If I did have to be in constant contact with him as part of some extended wistful "if only" love story being played out, I wouldn't expect my current partner to hang around like a mug. Likewise if he was like this with his ex, Id be gone

By the way, the not so good things he told you about her - he is no doubt talking to her about you, too. I never trust men who disrespect their exes, 9 times out of 10 its unfinished business and if the ex gives him leeway, he will start running around her. Dangling you, whilst filliing her head with froth to prevent her moving on too. Not very nice. & its disrespectful to you both

There are better relationships to have. You are just a year in, this is the time to leave them to it if they need to play happy families to this extent then go make a different life for yourself. You aren't a major part of his life, unfortunately.

[missybct]

I think I see what the OP is trying to say here:

Her DP has told her negative things about his ex - like we all do (hence the ex status in one way or another). OP, was your DP really vitriolic about his ex? Like, to the point where you couldn't understand how they are even able to look at each other? And now they're OK?

The thing is, if that is the case (or near enough), the discrepancy with them now seeming very friendly and cordial does feel abnormal. I get what the OP is saying here because I've been there myself. It's not about changing or challenging the amount of he spends with her and his DC, nor how much he speaks to her. It's the discrepancy in what he says to you about her, and then what he displays either with her without your knowledge. It does make you feel uneasy because the two scenario's don't marry together - it doesn't fit the narrative of what you've heard. To you (and many others), if you feel particularly angry towards someone, you keep them at arms length - if they are someone you must engage with (for sake of kids), you still keep them at arms length, albeit with a bit more rope.

It's even worse when both are equally as vitriolic towards each other and you get caught in the middle (experience, it's shit).

The thing is, DC's will always come first. Always. He won't rock the boat anymore than she will, unless one of them has the upper hand on something.

[TooSassy]

Oh dear OP.

Thing is with this situation, no one bar your partner and his ex wife know what is happening here. Maybe they don't even know.
Everyone on here will have their own take on this situation.

Personally? My view is that they are rediscovering life post split. How that life will pan out isn't clear. They may one day decide to give it another go. They may not. I'm not entirely sure if your relationship will feature in his decision. You don't live together and see each other once a week. That's not much commitment if I am entirely honest.

You asked if a year apart means it is too long for them to miss one another?
Not at all. It's long enough for the anger and negative emotions to die down. To date (or try and date and discover the grass isn't greener).
And start to rediscover the very feelings that lead to falling in love the first time may well still be there.

In your shoes as PP posted, I'd remove myself from this situation and see how it pans out.

[JapanNextYear]

They haven't been split for v long, they are trying to find the new normal, it'll change as you meet the kids, if she meets someone else or just through time as the kids get older.

It used to wind me up that dh's ex, who instigated their split, would ring him if she needed stuff fixed, but, thinking back, she was struggling to work out how to be on her own. They do stuff together as a family, tea round her house or our house, they've been away together.

It works for them and works for me. Just because he's with someone else it doesn't erase that family. And it's better than the alternative. So work out your own life and don't dwell on this. Wave them off cheerily and do stuff with your kid, and maybe their dad....

[timelytess]

For 'housekeeper' you can read 'woman who will do for now'. You know, sex, routine stuff. The good stuff is for her and his family.

[timelytess]

Dump him. He sees you as the housekeeper and her as the woman in his life. And she has his children. You've lost the war, don't plan another battle, exit the scene with as much dignity as you can gather.

[notarehearsal]

Forgot to say that during these many years I, of course, had other relationships too but didnt choose to live with anyone else. Maybe that made things more simple from my side anyway