Is there anyone about to hand hold?

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

I tried to name change but I can't remember my password, so am posting as "me" for all to see.

Lately H has become very secretive with regards to his phone, he's been taking it everywhere with him - loo, gym (when he used to leave it on the kitchen table) etc. etc. I was suspicious but, having been together 20 years, trusted him & thought it was just a fad. He also put a password on it & wouldn't tell me it incase (he said) I told 14 year old DS2 what it was and DS2 "messed with his settings".

Well, tonight H fell asleep with his phone on his lap. For some reason (fate?) it didn't go on to the lock screen. I noticed a Whatsapp conversation was open and read it. Messages from a work colleague - "I want you", "we will be together and it'll be amazing" were some of the gems from H. Her messages are in a similar vein.

I then checked his e-mail, which is something I've never done. Photos of her tits. Nice. Look fake TBH.

Stupidly I woke him & he snatched the phone back off me and deleted everything, so I don't have a contact number for her. She knows he is a married man with three DCs - the youngest is only 4.

He's been drinking so can't drive anywhere tonight & we live in a village with no public transport at this time of night. He has agreed he will leave tomorrow.

I've been with him since I was 20. I don't know how to live without him. I've always trusted him.

I don't know what I want anyone to say, but I just wanted to tell someone. There is no-one in RL. My mum died 3.5 years ago, she'd have known what to do.

I keep texting him too though. A question comes in to my mind & I have to ask it.

I really understand this, I really do; been there and got the (excruciating) T-shirt but can I make a suggestion? Clearly you can't stop those questions arising nor your (legitimately) wanting answers to them but you CAN stop them driving ongoing text dialogues between you & 'D'H by simply starting a word document and typing each and every question you have in there instead?

That way you will have got the question out of your head iykwim, nor will you worry you'll 'forget' it, it protects you from his texts, yet it will all be there in event you DO decide to give this a shot and go to Relate et al or, at other end of the scale, should you decide this IS really over now (& TBH it is v v hard to come back from this), you will have a concrete record of your misery should your resolve waver in the face of his persistence.

That's also the reason why I would, for now at least, keep the wretched e-mails as they too will give you a reality check as it is bloody hard to stay strong when you're on your knees with shock and heartbreak and utter disbelief and then in the face of a persistent 'I'm sorry/it meant nothing/I was stupid/yada yada' from the one person in your life who, under normal circs, is the one same person who usually makes everything better

FWIW, were it me, I would visit* and inform OW's OH as he - like you - has a right to know his life as he believes it is a sham. I did this. It was not so much about ensuring she suffered (tho trust me that was bloody tempting) but simply the reality that he had a RIGHT to know he too was being taken for a fool and being deceived in the most hideous of ways.

*Ensuring you keep it together and with utter dignity.

You really ARE doing amazingly and your DC sound beautiful; I utterly get where you are coming from vis his hurting them too since it is you that is bearing witness to their pain whilst at the same time trying to manage your own. Just {{{hugs}}} Santa &

I would turn my phone off and have an evening off of it all. Nothing hurts more than silence and being cut off.

He needs to understand what he has done and how it truly feels to not have you, you are not his sounding board, you have done nothing wrong.

Thank you Lady. Writing down the questions is an excellent idea.

Unfortunately, I don't think OW lives with her OH. He is a "long-term partner" but as far as I know they don't live together. She lives with her DCs who obviously I would never involve either. Even though she's been involved in hurting mine so much.

Yes, definitely write the questions in a Word doc and stop ALL communications. He doesn't get to hear from you anymore. Let him start feeling the loneliness too -- it's his fucking fault.

as it is bloody hard to stay strong ... in the face of a persistent 'I'm sorry/it meant nothing/I was stupid/yada yada' from the one person in your life who, under normal circs, is the one same person who usually makes everything better

What a moving post. :( I'm so sorry, LadyStoic.

I wonder if you can find out anything re her partner on Facebook...maybe type in her name and, you never know, you may find his name, check if his place of work is mentioned on his page....Like lady said, I would want the partner to know, if I were in your shoes. Not even out of revenge but primarily cos he´s got a right to know what his partner is really like. Cos he´s been duped just like you.

I totally understand, there seems to be no consequences for her does there? I can only think if you could find out who her partner is somehow, and inform him, then she´s gonna find herself answerable to him then.

I was also gonna say what Lady has suggested...put down those questions so they can be asked at a later time. Don´t give him the satisfaction of communication. Leave him guessing. Remember, as long as you´re in communication with him he still maintains some power and influence. He can manipulate you and influence how you feel.

Just remember....they´re only words and look how utterly meaningless any of his words have been up till now! While he looks at her naked pics and fantasies and plans God knows what, I´ll bet he was behaving like any ordinary happily married husband and father. God knows how many lies he´s told you while he carried on with his Secret Life.

Kind of makes a mockery of anything he says from now on in really, and however long this has been going on! It´s scary that he could maintain that kind of facade with you while he was living his double life. And he´d be still doing it now if you hadn´t rumbled him! ¨Sorry¨ my arse. Sorry he´s been found out, more like it!

Santa, if you can try not to focus on the ow. She is nothing to you. It's so hard. I have been there. There are a lot of people here who sadly understand what you are going through.

It´s scary that he could maintain that kind of facade with you while he was living his double life. And he´d be still doing it now if you hadn´t rumbled him!

This is what I keep coming back to. Mainly that he'd still be doing it.

OW isn't on FB. I've checked.

She may have blocked you so you can't see her. Make yourself another profile in a different name and see if you can see her then.

I have just given that a go Daisy but still can't find her. She does have a common name though (to match the morals presumably) so could be hiding somewhere.

Please stop searching for her. I know it's tempting, but if you DO find her, you'll only waste hours scrutinising her Wall and getting really upset.

Can you do something proactive and helpful - see a solicitor?

I've stopped searching. Don't worry.

You poor thing OP I'm getting so tired of hearing about men chasing other women from work. What are vows for anyway? I have no advice for you sadly but I do send you hugs and prayers and hope that you can stay strong for your DCs X

Thank you mrs. It's such a cliché isn't it? Smouldering looks over the photocopier, a quick grope while making a round of tea etc. etc.

OW phoned in sick again today. With any luck she won't come back at all.

How are you doing today? I hope you are okay. It's a lousy thing you are going through.

How do u know she rang in sick?

Moomin, I was wondering the same thing.

I know she rang in sick because she text me to tell me!

Which doesn't mean she actually did I suppose.

I assume she thinks I'll be coming to the office to confront her.

Wow, she is really running scared! How is your mood today?