Is there anyone about to hand hold?

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

I tried to name change but I can't remember my password, so am posting as "me" for all to see.

Lately H has become very secretive with regards to his phone, he's been taking it everywhere with him - loo, gym (when he used to leave it on the kitchen table) etc. etc. I was suspicious but, having been together 20 years, trusted him & thought it was just a fad. He also put a password on it & wouldn't tell me it incase (he said) I told 14 year old DS2 what it was and DS2 "messed with his settings".

Well, tonight H fell asleep with his phone on his lap. For some reason (fate?) it didn't go on to the lock screen. I noticed a Whatsapp conversation was open and read it. Messages from a work colleague - "I want you", "we will be together and it'll be amazing" were some of the gems from H. Her messages are in a similar vein.

I then checked his e-mail, which is something I've never done. Photos of her tits. Nice. Look fake TBH.

Stupidly I woke him & he snatched the phone back off me and deleted everything, so I don't have a contact number for her. She knows he is a married man with three DCs - the youngest is only 4.

He's been drinking so can't drive anywhere tonight & we live in a village with no public transport at this time of night. He has agreed he will leave tomorrow.

I've been with him since I was 20. I don't know how to live without him. I've always trusted him.

I don't know what I want anyone to say, but I just wanted to tell someone. There is no-one in RL. My mum died 3.5 years ago, she'd have known what to do.

Make him take on the financed one and you have the paid for car. Tell him he has to keep up the payments. He will, or he won't be able to go to work.

Thank you so much skye, city and OutToGetYou.

Lots to do tomorrow .

For now more peppermint tea & Mr Men jigsaw puzzles.

I am also half waiting for a "marriage needs work" type phone call from MIL, which is where he's gone. I know marriage needs work, but certain things just don't fit in to that do they? She's a lovely woman, just believes in the sanctity of marriage above all & put up with some pretty shitty behaviour from FIL over the years just because she thought "that's what you do".

If she calls, you just say something like "thanks, the most important thing just now is that our children are ok, and that I have time to come to terms with what I have discovered, which you will agree is a huge shock and betrayal to our family. I know that you will understand that I will do this my way, in my own time".
If you can't face that chat, just screen your calls. You are not obliged to talk to her.
And get a pillow and punch it.

I think you need to be as honest as you can be with MIL. You need to tell her that he has been sending and receiving graphic photos to a female work colleague and that the messages clearly show that he wants sex with her and to be with her, and therefore that brings an end to your marriage due to the massive betrayal......

Blood is thicker than water, so no doubt she will back him. But you do not have to put up with this just because she has put up with things.

Just checking in to see how you're doing today. I really felt for you when you posted last night and I'm so glad you've had such a lot of good advice on here. Although this is truly awful for you, you're not alone with this and we'll be here to carry on holding your hand. I'm glad you've got your friend coming round today to give you some real life support, hugs to you again.

Looking forward, Santa, to hearing how you are today. I'm sorry you are going through this

Hi. My best friend has just left, she has been great. Very supportive & very non judgmental. She can't believe he's done this either.

I have also had contact from the OW. TBH, she does seem pretty sincere and although I don't know her, her reaction did seem very honest & natural. Her story is, that from her point of view she just thought it was "a laugh". She thought they were engaged in stupid but innocent flirting and joking about "as mates at work" might. Her tit pictures were apparently also a joke - much in the way that some women might flash their boobs on a night out or just, well, when the whim takes them. Apparently, they weren't sent as part of the messaging but on their own - supposed to make H laugh at work! She says she has no feelings for him at all and would never ever have wanted to shag him. She says she thought they were on the same page with this.

I also had H's phone at the time and text her on that afterwards, so that she thought it was him, saying something like "is what you told X true? Was it really a joke all along. Do you really have no feeling for me?". She replied to that, almost immediately, "Hell, no! I thought we both knew it was only ever a joke as mates. I'm not in love with you or anything like that. I would never cheat on X (her DP). It was just a joke! Don't text me again!"

That does lead me to believe she's telling the truth. If I believe anything.

That doesn't change the fact that H seemed absolutely gutted when I told him what she'd said & read him the text she'd sent to "him". He had feelings for her. He would have shagged her. It wasn't a "joke" for him.

That's the crucial aspect isn't it?

DS1 is just sad & quiet. DS2 is being his usual fabulous self - he keeps hugging me and entertained his little sister beautifully while my friend was here so that we could talk. DD is fine - she doesn't seem to notice anything different at this point.

MIL hasn't been in touch, but SIL sent a long text along the "boys will be boys" "aren't men silly" vain. I assumed she was not in full possession of the facts so filled her in a bit. She then replied that she was so sorry & that she'll always be there for me if I want to talk. But ultimately that she hoped I'd forgive him.

Also, thank you again everyone. Your rational advice & support is really appreciated. Nest of vipers indeed .

He had feelings for her. He would have shagged her. It wasn't a "joke" for him. That's the crucial aspect isn't it?

That is indeed the crucial aspect and it is the reason why you cannot continue your marriage unless and until a) you want to and b) he shows remorse and contrition and does everything in his power to convince you that he'll never be such a stupid arse again.

However, even if he were to revert back to the man you married, it's probable that you'll never trust him again and living in a marriage without trust is not a desirable place to be.

Top marks for ingenuity, Santa - sending that text to the ow on his phone was pure genus

Thanks goddess. I'm not generally know for my genius, and it could have backfired, but I knew it was the only way to tell if she really was telling me the truth!

Sorry but there's a good chance OW suspected it was you texting her from his phone, and prepared her reply to convince you. I think they are both full of rubbish.

I wouldn't be so sure that the OW is being as honest as she could be. She will be shitting herself that her DP will find out and so will be minimising in any correspondence which you could potentially show to her DP.

'My' OW did exactly this, said it was all innocent and a joke, it wasn't, unless it's funny to send a photo of your fanjo to another woman's husband.

for you, such a shitty situation.

I agree with you and goddess that the crucial aspect is what he wanted to do. and remember the messages said "we'll be together, it will be amazing". who the hell sends that if they are not after a shag .

loveyou has a point there too, he may well have already briefed OW on what to reply if asked, although if he seemed upset at the response it could be genuine.

santa advice on here is always to LTB. Only you can decide what you want from the future, whether or not it is something you could ever forgive if he truly wants to sort things out. Please don't be pressured by MIL or SIL into taking him back. This is not just "boys will be boys", it is a major breach of trust and boundaries. How would he feel if you were sending tit pics to other men?

You don't need to rush into any decisions now, he has gone which gives you the space to think things through and decide what you want to happen next.

And 'I want you'.

OP, I'm so sorry you are going through this.
Just to repeat two things others have already said: pls keep all evidence for now. Even the picture of her tits. Move them to a folder amongst your emails that you never look at, but don't get rid of them. You might need them. If you don't, you can delete them later.
If MIL gets in touch, make sure she knows exactly what happened (down to the picture of the OW's boobs). Just so she is singing from the same hymn sheet and does not think that her son is being dealt with unjustly. (Though I presume your SIL will have told her, but still.)
Your DC sound great - they will come through it. Pls take care of yourself.

Just another voice saying that he may have briefed her on what to say. I've seen it done unfortunately. I hope you're alright (or as alright as you can be) OP. Your husband is a prick of the highest order.

You´re sadly correct in your assessment. He would have shagged her, I reckon. What an utter fucking tool!

Thank God you found out when you did. Now they´re welcome to eachother, the scumbags!

Just stick to your guns cos you´ve handled it fabulously. And tell people the truth. You shouldn´t feel you have to sugar-coat it for his family. Send them the tit pics and see if they´d be happy if their partners recieved any of that shit from a colleague. It´s always easier being biased and telling someone else what to do........

Hi. Thank you for your comments everyone.

He can't have briefed her on what to say - I had his phone from snatching it back off him last night (seconds after he'd deleted everything and whilst he was trying to take the sim card out). He hadn't had it at all. He didn't even know where it was.

He has admitted he instigated it all now. Whether that is to protect her or not I don't know. I assumed it was because he felt like a fool now that she's rejected him too.

What I do know is that my husband, the father of my three wonderful children and my partner of 20 years, would have shagged her if I hadn't found those messages at that time. Had she been up for it. I can't live with that. I've told him it's over for ever. I can't take him back & wait for him to start sexting someone else.

Whether she is lying seems a bit secondary now. My husband is the one who cheated on me.

My boys have both cried in the last hour. What he has done to us is breaking my heart in every way possible.

I have told SIL everything. She went to MIL's house and slapped him round the face.

Whatever you say to the kids don't blame....try to explain mum and dad just need time apart at the mo. I know you're angry but allow them to ask questions as they'll be worrying about what's going to happen.

It would be a deal breaker for me but whatever your decision do it for you, not the kids or him.

The boys both know that he's "messed up big time" and has gone to stay at Nan's house.

I think they are gauging the seriousness from how upset I have been. I've not ranted or raved or said anything bad at all about H. I have tried my best to be as normal as possible, but I have cried and I look dreadful. They know that's not me. They know nothing has ever made me like that before and have worked out the seriousness.

Little DD knows nothing. The poor little thing .

He probably knows her number by heart. I imagine he probably phoned her as soon as he left, ensuring that she knew that any messages from his mobile were from you.

I know this, because I had a very similar scenario.

I took the idiot back for a very miserable period of time. You never regain trust. I thought I was doing it 'for the kids'.
In the end, I left 'for the kids'.
Please don't let him minimise this behaviour. Would he forgive you sending 'tit photos' to other men?

I'm so sorry. Please get a great solicitor and deal with this as soon as you can. Once it has been processed, you can move on. He has a responsibility to financially support the children, so he must keep the roof over your head.
Let your friend help you emotionally, and try to take practical steps. We're all on your side, and holding your hand.

Maybe he knows her number, I don't know. He doesn't know my number or either of his DSs, or his mums by heart but I guess he's had no motivation to remember them.

I just feel so stupid. So gullible & so blind. How can I have married to this man for two decades and not have known he was capable of this?

Please get the car back and get rid of the one you have finance on.

Sorry you are going through this. You are doing really well

Thank you. I don't feel like I'm doing well at all TBH.

If he has no car, he can't get to work. It's not on a bus or train route. I was thinking that it would make things worse for me & the kids if he had to give up his job before he finds another?