Is there anyone about to hand hold?

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

I tried to name change but I can't remember my password, so am posting as "me" for all to see.

Lately H has become very secretive with regards to his phone, he's been taking it everywhere with him - loo, gym (when he used to leave it on the kitchen table) etc. etc. I was suspicious but, having been together 20 years, trusted him & thought it was just a fad. He also put a password on it & wouldn't tell me it incase (he said) I told 14 year old DS2 what it was and DS2 "messed with his settings".

Well, tonight H fell asleep with his phone on his lap. For some reason (fate?) it didn't go on to the lock screen. I noticed a Whatsapp conversation was open and read it. Messages from a work colleague - "I want you", "we will be together and it'll be amazing" were some of the gems from H. Her messages are in a similar vein.

I then checked his e-mail, which is something I've never done. Photos of her tits. Nice. Look fake TBH.

Stupidly I woke him & he snatched the phone back off me and deleted everything, so I don't have a contact number for her. She knows he is a married man with three DCs - the youngest is only 4.

He's been drinking so can't drive anywhere tonight & we live in a village with no public transport at this time of night. He has agreed he will leave tomorrow.

I've been with him since I was 20. I don't know how to live without him. I've always trusted him.

I don't know what I want anyone to say, but I just wanted to tell someone. There is no-one in RL. My mum died 3.5 years ago, she'd have known what to do.

OP you are NOT stupid, gullible or blind. I've been through very similar, 5 months ago. As other folk have said on other threads, you have been trusting and honest, and expected the same from your husband. That is a virtue not a weakness.

Said by God only knows how many women, sadly.........

It´s horrible how they feel they can be all normal in their family life and towards their partner but all along they´re planning, scheming and being devious little bastards. It´s actually frightening how they seem to lead a double life with ease, tbh! It´s like they are that cocky and sure of themselves that they will actually get away with this secret life that they become fully delusional, and all thoughts of what they are jeopardizing and risk losing is put right to the back of their arrogant, selfish fucking minds!

It´s like they´re lost in a fantasy world...until the shit hits the fan and their cosy fantasy bubble is burst when reality bites. Honestly, they´re all cretinous muppets, these people that cheat. And when they´ve got kids it makes it a million times worse, in my book. Cos what have the innocent kids done wrong to deserve this? Nothing, it´s the fuckwit men, the dads that do it to them! No consideration, no thoughts outside of their own selfish fucking agenda. It´s all about the ego trip. Pisses me right off.

Gotta go to bed santa but I hope you have a reasonable night and I´m glad you´ve got some great real life support. It´s times like this when you know who your friends are. Will check in on you tomorrow....best wishes

That does make sense Iron. I just feel like I should have known somehow.

I also wonder what was wrong with me that I wasn't enough for him. That he had to pursue someone else. She's not even attractive. Although she does have big tits - I guess that's enough for some.

Thank you moomin. I will try to get some sleep tonight - I tried last night but didn't manage it.

I guess I'll sleep through sheer exhaustion sooner or later.

Oh, Santa please don't blame yourself in anyway.

He was/is a fucking idiot and she is no better.

Swap those cars around and let him worry about finance.

Oh god, this is such a mess. So hard.

I'd better go and sort out uniform for the DCs for tomorrow. I need to pull myself together for them, if nothing else.

Thank you again for all of the support and kindness.

Good night Santa. Sleep well. Your dc sound amazing and you will all pull through this

OP, you are handling this brilliantly, and I bet your Mum is watching and cheering you on, every step of the way. I'm so sorry you don't have her there to support you. BUT, please talk to her out loud. I really believe she can hear you, and can help from above.

(I know that's so woo, but I've had several instances where guardian angels have stepped in for me after I'e asked for help, and I can't overlook all of them.)

I know exactly how your DH could do this - he's a bloke and he was thinking with his cock. He now gets to find out how horrible life is without you. GOOD.

Oh, and I feel you're doing exactly what your mum would've told you to do. You're doing what mine would tell me to do!

Ring Tax Credits asap - you'll get financial support. Get your car back, return the financed one. Your DH is big enough and ugly enough to sort out a car for himself.

Sorry you are going through what so many of us unfortunately have.

My experience tends to make me feel he and the ow are lying. Also be very astute re financial stuff and get that sorted asap. Call tax credits, council tax and cms tomorrow (Mon). Does child benefit go into your account? As you're only on SSP speak to DWP and council to see of there is any additional help you are entitled to. Ask around re solicitors not all are good, my first one dithered and missed things, second was excellent.

Eat and sleep when and where you can, drink plenty but not necessarily alcohol. Get in or make soup as that's quick and easy and nutritious. Take any help that's offered.

Glad his sister gave him a slap! My ex Mil supported ex to my face but I discovered through mutual friends that he got numerous rows from his mum and dad telling him what a bloody idiot he'd been and how ashamed they were and ow was not welcome until she had his baby. (7.5 months after we split yet he claimed for years baby was early and nothing happened till I kicked him out, then they were going through a rough patch he called me trying to get back with me and told me everything). Also he was not welcome at her parents house until she was pregnant with their 2nd! She also had rows and shame from her parents for going with a married man. So don't fall for the 'my family are supporting me' guff.

Thinking of you OP

I have no words of advice but just know that you will get through this. There are too many posters on here that are testament to that.

Thank you everyone. Again .

This morning I have phoned Tax Credits & completed the monstrous form that is a HB application form. My employers are sending me an ESA referral? form (I think that's the term they used), to see if I could be entitled to anything there.

H has gone to work (from his mum's). OW phoned in sick. She text me to tell me she was off sick & would be changing her number later today! Obviously scared I might pop in to the office for a chat! She still insists it was "all a joke" on her part. I said that I'm glad she found being 50% responsible for destroying four lives "a joke". She didn't reply to that.

H has been texting me all morning. He still isn't giving me the answers I need though - he still "doesn't know" anything. He wants to talk in person. I don't yet, I need to be stronger for that. He will no doubt try to use the fact I am heartbroken to manipulate me. I am also getting messages such as "well I'm just a fucking cunt aren't I?" in reply to questions I ask - which to me is quite aggressive actually. I will speak to him face to face when I am ready and will see how that goes. If, and at the moment it's a massive IF, I decide to try and work through things I will be insisting on Relate sessions or similar, to get to the bottom of why he wanted to do this to us.

Also, he would not move back in unless Relate sessions and time, and his actions mainly, persuade me it's definitely the right thing to do.

My best friend just phoned & made me laugh. Her OH is a HGV driver and chose a layby to "night out" in last night. He later became aware of men walking in circles around his truck & some other strange behaviours - lights being flashed etc. He'd picked a dogging spot, unknown to him . He made a swift exit.

Hi Santa good lass, make him wait until you are good and ready. Let the bastard stew Literally can´t believe a female colleague would go to this extent with a married dad she works with and minimise it all as a joke!!

Shame you don´t know her partner to forward on those pics, wonder if he´d find it a joke! But the poor guy´s in the dark I´m presuming...what a fucking slut though again!

It´s great you´re being proactive and sorting out the necessaries. You´re in control now and you´ve taken back the power so he can no longer hurt you. That´s the worst over surely?

What do your family think about it all? Glad you´ve got a good pal there who can still make you laugh despite everything You´re doing great, lass

BTW yes I agree that does sound aggressive how he´s replying, and all cos he´s no longer in the driving seat here and you are now empowered. His anger should be directed at himself, what the fuck did you ever do wrong?

Maybe his behaviour over the coming weeks will determine if you even wanna consider giving him a 2nd chance. If it were me this happened to I wouldn´t but that´s just my personal viewpoint on these matters. Everyone is different and we must support eachother and respect one another´s wishes as fellow females. Only you can decide how your future pans out.

But make the bugger stew.....

I've done what I can for today I think, admin wise.

Physically I feel sick, weak as a kitten and shaky. And so lonely, so very very lonely.

He keeps texting me telling me he "doesn't know why he did what he did and loves me and the kids more than anything."

He doesn't understand why I'm having a tough time believing that.

Is that the way he shows his love for his kids? Or demonstrates how devoted he is to his wife? FFS, I´d hate to see how he would demonstrate his dislike for you then!

It sounds like a classic case of the guy wanting to have his cake and eat it, to me. The stable, comfortable and secure domestic set-up but the excitement and thrill of behaving like he´s single again. But he´s not a single lad anymore is he??

And how can he possibly not know why he did what he did either? Of course he knows, he just doesn´t want to be frank and truthful with you incase he ends up burning his bridges good and proper, if he hasn´t already done so...

I would turn my phone off for the next 24hrs if possible, or just don´t read his texts cos he´ll just reel you in with his bullshit and having to deal with his BS isn´t helping you get over the worst phase ( the immediate aftermath). You need to just concentrate on you, your kids, any practical matters and really lean on your family and mates, your support system here.

You need some time with no communication with him so you can get your head straight. Cos what´s happened is undoubtedly a headfuck, and having his BS drip-fed to you via your mobile is in no way helping you. Just take every hour, one at a time, if that´s what it takes to get through the day. Keep busy, keep distracted.

You will never know why he did it unless he´s prepared to be 100% honest with you. He would obv have to lay his cards on the table if you intend on maybe going for counselling in the future...So for now just have a break of contact from him. Instead ring your mates or a close family member. Keep those that really care about you closest and give them your attention and energies, not that fuckwit!

That´s just what I would do anyways....

He had the choice not to take the actions, he chose to continue.
Like any child, he has got caught with out, & saying "I didn't mean it".
Only he's not a child, he has some though, & he certainly wasn't worried about them, or you while he was wanting the GF.
Sorry, Actions have consequences.

caught out

Thanks Moomin, you talk so much sense.

I keep texting him too though. A question comes in to my mind & I have to ask it. I've never been great at staying quiet like that.

What's really pissing me off now is that the OW has got away scot free. I am innocent in all this, my kids are innocent and yet this is happening to us. She is as guilty as sin, and she's carrying on as normal. Her partner doesn't know, she'll be back at work tomorrow and nothing will have changed for her. How is that fair?

That's exactly it isn't it mix56. Exactly.

Can I ask another question? I think I know what the answer is, but my addled brain is telling me to do it anyway.

I know the OW's address, I can't send her a letter explaining what she (and him mainly obviously) have done to us & asking her to find another job out of consideration for the people whose lives she's destroyed? The issue is, this is a small village. I live here, so do my kids. We know what she looks like now, why should we have to run the risk seeing her about, on our turf as it were? Why should my boys have to see her at the local shop for example?

She lives about 15 miles away. This isn't local for her.

It wouldn't contain any threats at all. Nothing to interest the police. Just a polite, dignified request hoping she has a shred of respect somewhere in her.

Should be a "can I" between destroyed and the ?

tbh I would wait a while before considering that, things are raw at the moment. Once you have gotten through the initial shock and had all the answers to your questions then consider it. You don't know the full story yet, there may or may not be more to come, in which case what you want to say to her may change.

That's a good point Step, thank you.

I think I know the story now, but then I've thought I've know lots of other things before. Like I thought my husband was a good, trustworthy, decent man. I thought I was lucky to have him TBH.