Is there anyone about to hand hold?

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

I tried to name change but I can't remember my password, so am posting as "me" for all to see.

Lately H has become very secretive with regards to his phone, he's been taking it everywhere with him - loo, gym (when he used to leave it on the kitchen table) etc. etc. I was suspicious but, having been together 20 years, trusted him & thought it was just a fad. He also put a password on it & wouldn't tell me it incase (he said) I told 14 year old DS2 what it was and DS2 "messed with his settings".

Well, tonight H fell asleep with his phone on his lap. For some reason (fate?) it didn't go on to the lock screen. I noticed a Whatsapp conversation was open and read it. Messages from a work colleague - "I want you", "we will be together and it'll be amazing" were some of the gems from H. Her messages are in a similar vein.

I then checked his e-mail, which is something I've never done. Photos of her tits. Nice. Look fake TBH.

Stupidly I woke him & he snatched the phone back off me and deleted everything, so I don't have a contact number for her. She knows he is a married man with three DCs - the youngest is only 4.

He's been drinking so can't drive anywhere tonight & we live in a village with no public transport at this time of night. He has agreed he will leave tomorrow.

I've been with him since I was 20. I don't know how to live without him. I've always trusted him.

I don't know what I want anyone to say, but I just wanted to tell someone. There is no-one in RL. My mum died 3.5 years ago, she'd have known what to do.

Can I just ask - should I be forwarding the "tit photos" to my e-mail address before he manages to delete them? Will I need them as evidence at all?

There's a question I never thought I'd have to ask.

I think it depends on how quickly you want to divorce. I didn't rush mine and no evidence was needed.

So sorry this has happened Santa

Thank you Merry. I don't think he'll oppose a divorce. I don't think he'd dare. But then, I didn't think he'd cheat either, so what do I know?

As awful and as painful as it is, I think you need to gather as much evidence as you can before he deletes it.

If you have it then you won't need it.

Oh sweetie... how fucking awful for you. I know that feeling of utter shock when the one person you really just knew you could trust turns out to be something completely different, and then the worst thing is you can't turn to the person you normally would for support as he is the fucker that has done this. It's beyond shit but I PROMISE you will get through this

I would forward the e-mail and any others (check the delete folder as well as any odd e-mail folders you don't recognise) if only for my own sanity when the gas-lighting starts - which it will I really hope someone wiser comes along and links to the really fab info on gas-lighting as I can't remember it's source at all, but it was literally like a script for what was then unfolding for the OP of that thread and it helped her stay stable in the midst of so much confusion, pain, and yes bloody minimising lies.

Sending you UN-Mumsnetty {{{hugs}}}

OK, I've forwarded them to my e-mail address just incase. I obviously hope to never need to open them again.

There was nothing in the trash folder, which in itself could be suspicious I suppose.

Thank you all for your support.

You'll never be short of hand to hold yours here, Santa.

Do what your lovely mum would tell you and be kind to yourself as NONE of this is your fault and she'll stand beside you whatever you decide to do.

Thank you goddess.

So, he's packing. Apart from insisting that "nothing physical" has happened, he actually isn't minimising today.

He says he knows he's been a stupid twat, he knows it's unforgivable, doesn't know why he did it etc. etc. He's been begging forgiveness, saying he'll spend the rest of his life making it up to me (yeah right). He was so convincing I did even think about trying to work through it - splitting up is going to so hard on everyone, especially the DCs.

Then something in me just snapped and I realised that less than 12 hours ago this man was telling another woman "I want you" amongst other things and wanking off to a photo of her tits - the photo popped up as soon as I clicked on his e-mail, so was the last thing he looked at. And he checks e-mails very regularly. Not a stranger he met in a pub whilst drunk, not a quick grope in a dark corner, a colleague he has build this relationship with at work whilst stone cold sober over a period of "a few months".

I honestly don't know if they've had sex or not. It almost doesn't matter.

Oh Santa - you don't need 'evidence' to divorce. If both of you agree to split, that's enough. You will only need 'evidence' if he doesnt want to, and you want proof to cite Adultery (which is notoriously difficult and expensive to prove). Even if one of you refuses the divorce petition, you only need 5 years of separation for it to go ahead.

Sorry to be leaping ahead, but keeping pix of her tits is not going to help you.

No ptumbi, I get what you mean.

Other than printing out copies and sticking them on lampposts near the office, I don't suppose keeping them will help.

I won't do that by the way. I'd love to, but can do without stooping to their level & having a visit from the Police. For fairness, I'd also have put photos of DH's cock with them.

Have you spoken to your friend yet ? It's going to be tough but you will come out the other side stronger

She replied in complete shock - she didn't think H was "like that". I can't blame her, neither did I.

She's had to go to work this morning but will be coming round this afternoon.

I'm in bits, DD wants to take her doll for a walk but I can barely walk about the house at the moment - let alone out in public. The poor little darling, she's just playing with her dolls completely oblivious to the fact that the life she knows is being ripped apart.

Oh bugger. What a shit thing you are going through. I have a similar story to tell. The difference being is that my exH lied and lied. So every time I found out another lie it was like it all happened fresh.

DH managed to retrieve the colleague's phone number somehow. I have sent her a text. Nothing sweary, I am trying my hardest to maintain dignity, but telling her who I am and giving her a chance to tell me the full story.

Why I think she might I don't know. Because I know where she works maybe?

Well he's gone.

21 years over, just like that.

He's driven off in the car I bought him with money left to me by my mum. He offered to leave it, but he will need it to commute - his 2 minute commute across the village has now become 1.5 hours as he's gone to his mums. I have a car, but it's on finance. How the fuck will I afford to pay that now?

Oh shit. I can't believe this is happening to me.

Just get through each hour or minute to get through today. What an idiot man. At least he has gone so you can have some space to think.

Thank you. I really do value every reply. It's good to know that somebody kind is out there.

Try to eat something, even if you don't think you can.

I remember how hard I found it to eat, and my teeth really hurt all the time (was the shock) and stuff I didn't have to chew like soup, yogurt, bananas and cups of tea got me through.

You sit down and divide the assets. Sadly it's not your car singular, it's a joint asset. The payments are also joint responsibility. He doesn't get to keep one car that's paid for and you get stuck with the car with payments- it doesn't work like that. Get your head around your finances, then speak with a solicitor asking specific questions. If any solicitors in your immediate vicinity do offer the free consultation, book them all. He won't be able to go to the same solicitor if you book your free consultation with them first, as it would be conflict of interest.

Thank you Jones, I've just made some peppermint tea. I'll see how that goes down first I think.

Thank you Horton. That's a good point about the car finance, it is actually in joint names anyway - but it's always been "my" car in practical terms and the one bought for cash has always been "his".

Financial and practical issues keep popping in to my head & then being pushed out by something else. I really need to write things down as I think of them don't I.

Firstly I'm going to help DD with her jigsaw puzzles. DS2 is doing his best to help her but the poor lad is struggling to hold it together himself at the moment - he shouldn't have to should he. He doesn't know the gory details but he knows his dad left with a suitcase & gave him a teary hug good bye saying he was "so sorry and would always love him". DS2 isn't stupid, that's enough to know something bad is happening. Poor kids.

santa sorry that this has happened to you. I think that you have done the right thing, but you will still need time to process everything as you are in a state of shock.

Can you swap cars with him? and he takes over the finance payments?

Tomorrow you will need to ring the Tax Credit office and make a claim as a single parent. you can also ring Council Tax and get the 25% discount and also ask them if they can spread the payments over 12 months instead of 10 if they offer that facility. My council does. i don't get 2 months payment break now, but it does lower the monthly payment which is more important for me.

You can divorce him for Unreasonable Behaviour. I did and cited thousands of texts and emails and FB chat to OW as the reason. My divorce went through around 6 months after he left.

It was only thanks to MN and my solicitor that I did it so quickly, because I was afraid that he would get into debt and I would lose the house. My solicitor said to do it quickly, as you get a "better deal" from them whilst they are feeling guilty. If you wait 2 years, then everything can change. He was right, as 2 years later, XH was living with OW who was taking her XH for everything she could get, and XH was chucking at me that he had "given me the house".

But I did everything in an extreme state of shock.

I don't wish to upset you, but just giving my reasons for divorcing so quickly. You may choose a different path and that is entirely up to you.

If your H truly wants to resolve things and save your marriage then he will do and say all the right things.... But you have to want to, and tbh I wouldn't want to if I had discovered what you have. It is a massive betrayal and like you say, it really doesn't matter if they actually had sex, the betrayal is still the same, the intention was there.

Keep posting as you will get lots of support on here.

You hold all of the cards just now.
You should arrange see a lawyer tomorrow if you can, just to have a chat. Not necessarily about divorce, but - critically for now- about your rights during a separation where you are the caregiver and don't control the finances. The free half hour thing is mostly bollocks, but you'll find the initial meeting is more of a chat, as they are not allowed to give out substantive advice until y have engaged them formally, and there is a bit of an admin process involved. They will however give you a steer and they can advise on legal aid or a payment plan.

At some point today, contact your h (perhaps by email if phone is too hard) to say that you need him to transfer £X on Thursday to cover rent , car payment, and bills and any other outgoings of the dc for the month.

Then let your friend look after you. Do whatever gets you through in relation to the children- the older ones may twig, but the little one might just be content with her dollies.
Much love to you. Twenty years, what a colossal pranny he is.

Also, booking an initial appointment with a lawyer does not create a lawyer- client relationship, so they could technically go on to work for your husband unconflicted if you do not go ahead and sign a letter of engagement with them, so going to see every lawyer in town and pretending you want to engage them all will only make you come across as a bit of a pain to the local legal community. However, by all means see a few and shop around because, as a pp said, they will not be able to take him on as a client while you are actively considering engaging them and it might buy you a couple of weeks of having the upper hand.