Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

high sex drive vs low sex drive - causing problems

87 replies

Arrowfanatic · 18/01/2016 09:39

Off the bat I want to make it clear that I adore the very bones of my husband and love him more than anything.

Ok, DH has a high sex drive. He would do it every day multiple times a day and still want more. Conversely I have a low sex drive and am quite content with 1-2 times a week and tbh it's not something I really "desire".

I enjoy it plenty when we have sex, the quality of it is not an issue, but our unequal sex drives is becoming one.

DH feels there is a lack of intimacy and that I'm not attracted to him.

On a personal level for me I'm a busy mum of 3 young children. Plus both DH and I have busy lives, he works long shifts so the majority of childcare and house stuff is on me. Coupled with that I have bad insomnia, it'll manifest in 2 ways. Either I can't fall asleep and I spend all night awake or ill fall asleep ok but wake after an hour or so and then not get back to sleep. This unfortunately leaves me utterly exhausted in itself. Plus I have long periods, I start spotting for 3-4 days, bleed for 5-6 days and then spot again for a further 3-4 days and on a 30 day cycle it's long so we dont have much of a window each month. I don't use the pill or anything as I just don't have them agree with me.

I don't know how to resolve this though. He wants it more. He suggests things like sexy underwear, I'm very unconfident about my figure so no matter how many times he says I'm sexy I don't feel it. I know in my head my figure is fine, but I don't feel sexy.

I realise this is rambling. But I don't know what to do. When we talk about it we just get upset, he feels unloved no matter how much I reassure him otherwise and I feel like I'm being accused of being a cold hearted bitch.

OP posts:
CormoranStrike · 18/01/2016 09:44

You are not being unreasonable.

1-2 a week coupled with your busy lives/insomnia sounds fine. Does he acknowledge that these things have an impact?

Yet he wants you to dress up like a performing seal? Where's his compromise?

Original poster
Arrowfanatic · 18/01/2016 09:52

I think it's because the 1-2 times isn't every week, with my periods and his shifts sometimes it can be 2-3 weeks between "sessions" so he thinks if we're home at the same time we should do it because we don't get much opportunity some weeks.

OP posts:
TheNaze73 · 18/01/2016 10:03

As a guy, I totally see both sides of the debate. Even if you don't have full sex, is there anything else you could do maybe? I don't think you're being unreasonable at all but, sex drives going off in different silos, can be problematic over time. Think that could be a compromise.

Orangeanddemons · 18/01/2016 10:09

3 young children
Shift work
Insomnia
Tiredness

1-2 times a week sounds very good going to me

Zorigami · 18/01/2016 10:10

Arrow are you me? As Naze suggests an alternative has been most beneficial to all in our house. Desire is zero when I am tired. I'm also not on the pill and when I am ovulating I can jump his bones big time then two days later he gets the cold shoulder.

Original poster
Arrowfanatic · 18/01/2016 10:22

We do spend time together. We'll snuggle and cuddle and kiss and we enjoy many of the same things so spend most of our free time with each other. But tbh usually by the time I've got the kids to bed, having spent all day running around behind them and peeling them off my legs at various points of the day by 7pm I want to sit and veg and try to sleep.

I don't know what to do, should I put out more?? Try to ignore the tiredness and times when I'm not in the mood and just do it a but more. I can't do it as often as he would like, it's simply not possible but am I being selfish by only doing it when it's suits me?? I have past relationship damages from a person who made me believe having sex was the only way to prove he loved me and me him and when I finally broke the cycle I promised myself that never again would I have sex when I didn't want to, but my husband is a kind wonderful man who works super hard and for him sex is closeness and intimacy and I suppose reassurance. So should I push past my troubles to do it more???

OP posts:
Keeptrudging · 18/01/2016 10:32

I'm not suggesting you should 'put out' when you're exhausted etc, but have you considered using a softcup during periods as a 'barrier' method to make it doable? It works well unless very heavy. Sex is part of being close, even if it's not swinging from the chandeliers. Sometimes trying to up the frequency when you're not fussed (rather than really not wanting to) can lead to more?

Offred · 18/01/2016 11:39

You are clearly putting in a lot of effort to try and resolve things.

What is he doing?

Offred · 18/01/2016 11:40

And no, you shouldn't push yourself to have sex you don't want or the love in your relationship will dry up along with the sex.

CormoranStrike · 18/01/2016 11:50

Maybe if he took over the kids and housework for one full day a week it would help - you would be more rested and he would have a greater understanding of why you are tired.

expatinscotland · 18/01/2016 11:51

Those are really long periods. TBH, I'd see someone at a Family Planning Clinic about that first and foremost.

I don't like having sex during my period because my cervix feels really sensitive during that time, but mine are only 5 days long.

Jan45 · 18/01/2016 11:55

1-2 times a week and he's complaining - he should be more than happy with that, if needs sex more then he's got a problem, don't make it yours.

Yseulte · 18/01/2016 12:02

You really need to see a doctor about your periods.

Forcing yourself to have sex when you're knackered will simply put you off DH.

He should be more understanding instead of adding sex to your list of chores and putting pressure on you. That is a very unattractive trait in itself.

TheNaze73 · 18/01/2016 12:08

I think the responses show why men and women are so different. Sex should never be a chore.

Babycham1979 · 18/01/2016 12:11

1-2 times a week and he's complaining - he should be more than happy with that, if needs sex more then he's got a problem, don't make it yours.

WTF?! This is the stand-out most offensive and ignorant comment I've read on MN in quite some time..!

mum2mum99 · 18/01/2016 12:13

Forcing yourself to have sex when you're knackered will simply put you off DH. so true
And HIBU he is BU. 2 to 3 times a week is plenty. He is the one with the problem, it seem to me.

Jan45 · 18/01/2016 12:17

Baby - how exactly is that offensive?
The OP is feeling she should have sex with him even when she doesn't want to - borne out of his complaining - 3 kids and sex 1-2 times per week is plenty, maybe if he thought about how tiring this was for his wife he would realise he is being unreasonable.

Yseulte · 18/01/2016 12:18

I think the responses show why men and women are so different. Sex should never be a chore.

Not so, there are women with the opposite problem: that their partner has a low sex drive and they have a high one.

In that case it's the man finding sex a chore.

The stereotype that all men are gagging for it is false.

BertrandRussell · 18/01/2016 12:21

"but my husband is a kind wonderful man"

Not if he's making you feel bad for not wanting to be constantly available for sex, he isn't.

TheNaze73 · 18/01/2016 12:23

I think a man can be a kind & wonderful man & ask for things in a relationship. People have different needs, it's how it's communicated

Babycham1979 · 18/01/2016 12:27

Jan45, it's offensive to suggest that he has 'a problem' for being in possession of a perfectly normal sex-drive and, by implication, that he's somehow aberrant for being, well, a man!

I wouldn't dream of suggesting someone should sleep with their partner under duress, but it helps no-one to paint him as the bad-guy in this situation. They're two people with mis-matched sex-drives. Nobody's 'in the wrong'.

RivieraKid · 18/01/2016 12:27

I think it's because the 1-2 times isn't every week, with my periods and his shifts sometimes it can be 2-3 weeks between "sessions"

Okay, I do understand dissatisfaction with that a lot more, have your periods always been that mental? Agree with PPs that I'd want that investigated.

BertrandRussell · 18/01/2016 12:32

Of course he's entitled to ask. But he goes on about it, gets upset when they talk about it and suggests that the solution might be the OP wearing sexy underwear. And makes the app feel like a cold hearted bitch.

He also has made her feel that she has a low sex drive because she only wants sex once or twice a week when she has three young children, insomnia and awful periods.

These are not the actions of a kind and wonderful man.

Jan45 · 18/01/2016 12:33

Nope I never said that, I said he has a problem if he isn't understanding that 1-2 times a week sex is not good enough.

WTF?! This is the stand-out most offensive and ignorant comment I've read on MN in quite some time..!

Talk about ott.

mum2mum99 · 18/01/2016 12:39

Problem seems to be he is pushy. That's not ok. 1-2 a week can be a challenge when you have young DCs. I think men need to quit thinking that it is women's marital duty.