high sex drive vs low sex drive - causing problems

[Arrowfanatic]

Off the bat I want to make it clear that I adore the very bones of my husband and love him more than anything.

Ok, DH has a high sex drive. He would do it every day multiple times a day and still want more. Conversely I have a low sex drive and am quite content with 1-2 times a week and tbh it's not something I really "desire".

I enjoy it plenty when we have sex, the quality of it is not an issue, but our unequal sex drives is becoming one.

DH feels there is a lack of intimacy and that I'm not attracted to him.

On a personal level for me I'm a busy mum of 3 young children. Plus both DH and I have busy lives, he works long shifts so the majority of childcare and house stuff is on me. Coupled with that I have bad insomnia, it'll manifest in 2 ways. Either I can't fall asleep and I spend all night awake or ill fall asleep ok but wake after an hour or so and then not get back to sleep. This unfortunately leaves me utterly exhausted in itself. Plus I have long periods, I start spotting for 3-4 days, bleed for 5-6 days and then spot again for a further 3-4 days and on a 30 day cycle it's long so we dont have much of a window each month. I don't use the pill or anything as I just don't have them agree with me.

I don't know how to resolve this though. He wants it more. He suggests things like sexy underwear, I'm very unconfident about my figure so no matter how many times he says I'm sexy I don't feel it. I know in my head my figure is fine, but I don't feel sexy.

I realise this is rambling. But I don't know what to do. When we talk about it we just get upset, he feels unloved no matter how much I reassure him otherwise and I feel like I'm being accused of being a cold hearted bitch.

I have seen the doctor about my periods, and had some investigations. It's started after the birth of my last child, and so far I'm just told it's just my bodies cycle. I don't mind having sex when I'm spotting but DH has a real ick feeling to period blood so he doesn't want to. He's fine about my periods, knows I can't help it and they can be very painful so never pushes me about them.

He's not a horrible man, and I know he doesn't intend to make me feel the way he does. But last night for example I said no, but went to cuddle him in bed and he basically told me to go away and if I'm that tired I should just sleep. Then he began saying I don't love him, I'm not attracted to him etc and that hurts because it's so untrue.

I think it's the sulking I find worst, when I say I'm not in the mood I get "why?" "scared you'll enjoy it" "why can we only ever do it on your terms" followed by sulking. Sometimes he'll get out of bed saying he may as well play xbox if we're not going to have sex.

I'm probably making him sound worse than he is, this is literally the only issue in our relationship. We never fight, we have all the same interests and when he's not at work he's hands on with the kids, looks after them when I go out without complaining, it's just he works a lot!!! I love him to bits, it's just this sex thing and sometimes I feel like the more I feel it's being expected of me the less I want to do it anyway.

I'm not being deliberately provocative here, I was just interested when the person above said "Men need to quit, thinking its a woman's duty". It totally isn't however, what would you suggest is the alternative?

Sounds like he is kind and wonderful providing you supply the right amount of sex! Then all the sulking and guilt trips if you Dont. Not very kind and immature.

Has he never heard of wanking?

TheNaze73 the answer is take no for an answer. basic consent.

It's the sulking and guilt trips I hate.

How do we move forward on this issue though? I want to know that if I say no he's not going to go all stroppy about it (as a PP said it's not an attractive quality) but obviously he needs us to come to some compromise on the regularity of our sex life.

"I'm probably making him sound worse than he is"

I suggest you read your own posts and have a think about how you would feel if they were someone else's posts.

I think you should talk it through. Neither of you are being unreasonable however. I think there is a compromise here for certain. As for mum2mum99, so that would be your answer, no debate? Just interested?

the naze My answer would be that I am doing everything I can under the circumstances and that it is unreasonable to expect more and 'go and have a wank'.

Well, that's a lot more info than your OP and now he does sounds unreasonable. Sulking and guilt trips are not sexy, just childish and entitled.

Hmmm one of the things you report that stands out to me is that he sulks because he thinks the two of you only have sex 'on your terms' - but he's the one who's grossed out by a bit of menstrual blood (which wouldn't be much on the days you are spotting anyway) - if you look at it that way HE is the one refusing sex for up to two weeks per cycle. What does he have to say about that?

"Neither of you are being unreasonable however"

What, not even the person who is sulking and pushing and making suggestions about sexy underwear and making the other person feel like a cold bitch for not being constantly sexually available?

As has been said, once he stops acting like a child and decides to come out of his strops, perhaps the both of you can sit down like mature adults and discuss it, the way he is going about it, will not make you want to have anything with him, I wouldn't want to be intimate with my partner if he was behaving this way - it's childish, entitled and damn right rude OP.

Has he offered to do anything for you - to make you feel special and in the mood, nah, thought not.

Sulking, guilt trips and strops are totally unacceptable. It's not ok to try to emotionally blackmail someone into sex. And it's not likely to make you want to have sex with him.

Perhaps go to counselling - he needs to understand sulking and making you feel guilty about sex, isn't going to improve your sex drive. Rather the opposite.

Re your periods - is the hormonal coil an option. It can reduce or even stop periods altogether.

I hope this is probably an unnecessary thing to say, but just in case. OP- there are hormone therapies that might help with your periods. But please only take them if your periods are bothering you. Not just because you think that way you'll be able to "meet his needs" or whatever.

Having a two-week long period every month that can be very painful is not 'just your body's cycle'. I'd go back and ask to be referred. They will try to fob you off with a Mirena coil. Don't be fobbed off until they get to why this is happening.

As for the stropping and sulking it is not on.

OP, your initial post read like you were just a bit 'meh'/tired re sex. Your later posts, sulking and guilt - tripping behaviour? He's way out of line, he needs to go away and have a think about why he thinks you should 'give in' when he's behaving like a toddler. So very unattractive behaviour too.

Pushing you away and telling you to just go to sleep if you try to cuddle but don't want sex is way out of line. He's basically not just trying to feel close to you in a loving and affectionate way sounds like he just wants sex. I think 2 to 3 times a week is good going considering you have 3 kids to look after. If he keeps this up my bet is he's going to end up getting none!

Your DP isn't handling it well, but I don't think that anyone can say '1-2 times' or any other amount of times, more or less is 'reasonable'. It depends on the couple.

I've actually been in both situations with partners at extreme ends of the spectrum - bf who wanted sex a lot less and bf who wanted sex ALL the time and both were stressful in different ways. I found the first situation quite rejecting and it made me feel like a needy fool - it is difficult to be knocked back all the time. The second situation I found oppressive and invasive.

What was your sex life like BEFORE you had three kids OP? Were you ever in harmony on this issue? Do you think it would be possible to want sex/physical contact more often if other pressures in your life were taken off your shoulders, or is this a fundamental difference? Is it working for you when you do have sex - if your husband wants more sex he needs to be doing a damn good job of making it really fabulous on your terms when you do have it.

If this is getting a bit sulky and nasty, you need to find a way to talk about this outside of the bedroom with your DH.

OP, I'm sorry not to have any nuggets of inspired advice, I'm kind of in the same boat, but to my knowledge this really isn't an uncommon complaint from partners of busy mums - in fact I'll be watching this thread with interest as it's just been aimed at me out of the blue.
(Perhaps in retaliation for my having suggested that DH could brush up on his foreplay skills while 'approaching' from behind VERY insistently IYKWIM just as I was snuggling into sleep position!)
Unannounced poking about down there isn't really going to get me in the mood... really, it just isn't.

However, I his complaint that I never initiate sex, and if it was left up to me has left me thinking.

I recall reading, ages ago, an article written by a clergyman about his sexual relationship with his wife, in it he described what a revelation it was when he stopped thinking of his wife's libido in the same way as he experienced his own. He realised that his wife was in fact just as sexually interested as he was, only, sexual desire was triggered by a different range of stimuli, and over a longer time period... The affection, attention, eye contact and simple physical touch interactions throughout the day would start a reciprocal 'dance', as I imagine it, of desiring each other.

I don't know what it is like for you, but I do know that being sexual, really does rely on how I'm feeling about myself, my physical self esteem, as you mention, is low also at the moment and I don't feel sexy, and I get so emotionally fraught when I have PMS that I'm utterly horrible, so I feel unlovable too...

Added to this, my DH likes to watch something on the iPad before we go to sleep, this gets my head working and depending on the content, my thinking is very not about sex.

As I say, I'll be watching the thread...

Total failure of a sentence after 'However'

should say...

However, I have to listen and try to respond to his complaint that I never initiate sex and, if it were left to me, we would never have any sex; and it has left me thinking.

Not the main issue, but OP, are they investigating why you're spotting between periods?

Does he really think that when he reacts to you saying no, that you'll suddenly look at his strop / sulking and think 'hmm, now I want you?' It is such an unattractive quality that if he keeps it up, you're going to end up feeling that sex is all he wants you for and it will chip away at your feelings for him. Maybe tell him this??

IMO, he has the right to tell you he wants sex. You have the right to say now. He has the right to feel upset / rejected / frustrated. He DOES NOT have the right to take it out on you. He doesn't have the right to expect you to say yes if you're not in the mood. He does not have the right to be sarcastic and horrible to you because you said no. Because if he does, and you then say yes, that's coercive and actually abuse.

You have children? Will you be teaching dd that she is allowed to say no? Teaching ds that when a girl says no, she means it and he must stop immediately? Of course you will - your partner should keep this in mind.

They gave me a smear test and as that came back clear they pretty much just said it's my normal body post babies. My cycles have always been a bit arse about face anyway so it doesn't bother me really.
GP assured me there isn't anything sinister going on.

Pre children actually it wasn't that much different. In the honeymoon phase maybe we did it more but even so not much more than 3 times a week as I worked full time office hours and he worked 12 hour shifts with a mixture of earlies, lates and nights.

I know we have different sex drives and we do need to meet in the middle. I could probably make more effort I know. Clearly this is important for him so I should try to meet him halfway. But I also need him to understand that when I say no its no personal snub to him it's literally that I just don't want to and to not get a sulk on. Because he always wants it, it's like he literally can't understand why I sometimes don't and there isn't a reason why I just don't.

My insomnia has worsened over the last couple of years, I get dreadful anxiety about getting some sleep and that is probably my bigger concern over everything else as I know I'm not a nice person when I'm exhausted. DH is able to fall asleep any time, anywhere, any how so he doesn't "get" What it's like to live this way so maybe struggles to sympathise. I dunno???

Once or twice a week is fine and although you say he wants it twice a day I think you'd find that in reality he probably wouldn't. Where would you both find the time and energy when you have jobs and kids?

From what you're saying though it isn't really once or twice a week. It's once or twice in a week followed by 2 or 3 weeks with no sex. So more like once or twice a month?

From a mans point of view that's "she doesn't fancy me anymore but does me a favour once in a while". What you see as "strops" could just as easily be "heartbreak", "despair"?