high sex drive vs low sex drive - causing problems

[Arrowfanatic]

Off the bat I want to make it clear that I adore the very bones of my husband and love him more than anything.

Ok, DH has a high sex drive. He would do it every day multiple times a day and still want more. Conversely I have a low sex drive and am quite content with 1-2 times a week and tbh it's not something I really "desire".

I enjoy it plenty when we have sex, the quality of it is not an issue, but our unequal sex drives is becoming one.

DH feels there is a lack of intimacy and that I'm not attracted to him.

On a personal level for me I'm a busy mum of 3 young children. Plus both DH and I have busy lives, he works long shifts so the majority of childcare and house stuff is on me. Coupled with that I have bad insomnia, it'll manifest in 2 ways. Either I can't fall asleep and I spend all night awake or ill fall asleep ok but wake after an hour or so and then not get back to sleep. This unfortunately leaves me utterly exhausted in itself. Plus I have long periods, I start spotting for 3-4 days, bleed for 5-6 days and then spot again for a further 3-4 days and on a 30 day cycle it's long so we dont have much of a window each month. I don't use the pill or anything as I just don't have them agree with me.

I don't know how to resolve this though. He wants it more. He suggests things like sexy underwear, I'm very unconfident about my figure so no matter how many times he says I'm sexy I don't feel it. I know in my head my figure is fine, but I don't feel sexy.

I realise this is rambling. But I don't know what to do. When we talk about it we just get upset, he feels unloved no matter how much I reassure him otherwise and I feel like I'm being accused of being a cold hearted bitch.

OP I would want him to meet me half way. I'd like sex 4 or 5 times a week. He's happy with once or twice a month. That's all we manage.

I really feel like sex is a glue, it's the only thing that I do just with him.,without it, we're housemates. Ideally, I'd like him to get his testosterone checked too. See if there's a medical reason for such a low sex drive.

I'd also like more reassurance that he fancies me. I do equate that with actual sexual contact, not just affection or words.

Not sure any of this will help....

If a person equates sex with love and 'needs' sex from another person for reassurance they have issues which cannot be solved by bullying another person into sex.

He needs to address his issues. His feeling that he is entitled to bully someone into sex just because he is dependent on them for reassurance.

I don't see needing affection / listening to / sex to feel loved is not having issues - it's having needs.

I need to feel I am listened to and understood in a relationship. If I don't I will begin to feel unloved. I will try to deal with that like a grown up bit it might make me grumpy. Increasingly so as time goes on.

In the OPs case her husband feels he needs sex to feel loved. He has no right to demand it of course.

It is worth the OP considering this issue from many perspectives, given how much she seems to love him and, importantly, given there's no abuse.

" importantly, given there's no abuse."

But there is!

Someone who feels they need sex to feel loved does have issues precisely because you can't expect sex from someone else.

I have a high sex drive and I like sex. That does not mean that I 'need' sex to fee loved. Love can be expressed in many ways, sex is just one way, someone who ignores all the ways love is expressed and focuses entirely on sex, who bullies their partner when they don't comply with demands for sex is a sexual abuser and yes, they can be 'nice in all other ways' it's their behaviour around sex that makes them a sexual abuser and that alone.

OP, quite honestly I think you have done that very common thing of swapping a grade ten bastard for a grade 5 one and convincing yourself you are lucky.

His behaviour surrounding dealing with the mismatch is your sex drives and him basing your whole relationship on sex is not normal and it is not nice.

And again I say, you are very concerned about this because he has convinced you you are defective but what is he doing to actually resolve the issue?

It seems he is making you feel bad about yourself and bullying you when you say no...

And he doesn't even realise that at least some of the problem is to do with him rejecting you Because he thinks periods are icky...

You're describing wants rather than needs manandbeast. One needs food, one wants sex.

I need to feel I am listened to and understood in a relationship. If I don't I will begin to feel unloved

This line could equally apply to the OP. DH is not listening to or understanding her PoV. By rights she could 'begin to feel unloved'.

Offred makes some excellent points.

I would think about what might make you want to have sex more and what he could do to help - wouldn't that turn a negative situation where he feels rejected and you feel pressured into a constructive situation where you work together towards a common goal that will make you both happier?

I second the other posters who have said its worth looking into your long periods - lots of women seem to put up with rubbish "women's problems" but you shouldn't tho you might need to be persistent.

Good luck! Nice that your husband is so keen on you :)

Not sure this behaviour demonstrates a husband who is keen on his wife tbh. if he was keen on his wife would he really be choosing to deal with his issues in such a negative way?

I have some sympathy for people who are more emotional than rational...

At least he is talking to his wife about what he wants even if the next step where they work out what to do isn't really happening for whatever reason?

Feeling physically rejected and unwanted by someone you love and fancy like mad, like the earlier poster said whose husband struggled to peck her on the cheek, is really sad and hard to cope with.