high sex drive vs low sex drive - causing problems

[Arrowfanatic]

Off the bat I want to make it clear that I adore the very bones of my husband and love him more than anything.

Ok, DH has a high sex drive. He would do it every day multiple times a day and still want more. Conversely I have a low sex drive and am quite content with 1-2 times a week and tbh it's not something I really "desire".

I enjoy it plenty when we have sex, the quality of it is not an issue, but our unequal sex drives is becoming one.

DH feels there is a lack of intimacy and that I'm not attracted to him.

On a personal level for me I'm a busy mum of 3 young children. Plus both DH and I have busy lives, he works long shifts so the majority of childcare and house stuff is on me. Coupled with that I have bad insomnia, it'll manifest in 2 ways. Either I can't fall asleep and I spend all night awake or ill fall asleep ok but wake after an hour or so and then not get back to sleep. This unfortunately leaves me utterly exhausted in itself. Plus I have long periods, I start spotting for 3-4 days, bleed for 5-6 days and then spot again for a further 3-4 days and on a 30 day cycle it's long so we dont have much of a window each month. I don't use the pill or anything as I just don't have them agree with me.

I don't know how to resolve this though. He wants it more. He suggests things like sexy underwear, I'm very unconfident about my figure so no matter how many times he says I'm sexy I don't feel it. I know in my head my figure is fine, but I don't feel sexy.

I realise this is rambling. But I don't know what to do. When we talk about it we just get upset, he feels unloved no matter how much I reassure him otherwise and I feel like I'm being accused of being a cold hearted bitch.

All a smear tells them is that you don't have an infection or abnormal cells.

You need to see a gynaecologist and have further tests if your periods ad consistently more than a week long.

They need to check your hormones - including your thyroid - iron levels and blood-clotting. Have you been checked for fibroids, polyps, endometriosis etc?

david heartbreak or despair at getting sex once or twice week? Really?

What Yseulte said. You need to see a GYN and have hormone checks. You've been fobbed off. Not on.

So now sulks and strops equate to heartbreak and despair - at what exactly Dave, he's getting it pretty regularly, hardly a despairing situation. Anyone who sulks and pushes you away is acting our of a self righteousness of feeling entitled to expect sex when he feels like it, regardless of how his OH feels about it - in fact he is doing everything in his power to ensure no sex takes place - it's not a turn on to see a grown man act like a child.

'From a mans point of view that's "she doesn't fancy me anymore but does me a favour once in a while". What you see as "strops" could just as easily be "heartbreak", "despair"?'

Oh, please! From an immature person's point of view.

I think with everything OP is going through, insomnia (awful, awful, awful) working, being the main houser-runner, mother to young dc, often bleeding in some way. It's frankly a wonder you can even face it and you clearly love and are considerate towards your DH.

He is not unreasonable to want to the closeness and intimacy that dtd brings. But not being able to see how 'up against it' in terms of OP's libido, is unreasonable. Sulking about it is surely even worse and counterproductive. Time for an honest chat with your H, surely, OP? Because if the cycle of sulking is allowed to continue it will eat into your relationship.

Yseulte. As I said it's actually more like once or twice a month. The ops wording is a bit misleading. And yes definitely !

Guys can be stupid but most know the score, acting up isn't going to get them any. He's miserable, he feels rejected, unattractive and a whole bunch of other shit

I have a high sex drive. My ex husband only wanted sex once or twice a month, was not interested in the sex we had being satisfactory for me - was a roll on, missionary, roll off and sleep job.

I felt hugely rejected, I never behaved like the OP's husband not even once. It is one of the reasons we split up.

I don't think it is acceptable to bully someone because they don't want to have sex and I'm appalled anyone would think it is especially if the reason they give is that the bully is a man and therefore can't help behaving badly.

I'm just trying to play devils advocate and not suggesting anyone does anything they don't want to do.

Do you think you haven't suggested that it is ok to bully someone for sex if you feel heartbroken, rejected and upset?

Because, when someone is bullying someone for sex that is unacceptable. Full stop.

Yes, he may feel all of those things, or he may not, but it is irrelevant. Bullying someone for sex is an appalling and abusive way to deal with those feelings. Objecting to the bullying does not mean people don't understand that feeling rejected by your partner is not nice.

I missed one of the ops posts and apologise. Saying things like "scared you'll enjoy it" isn't acceptable

"Guys can be stupid but most know the score, acting up isn't going to get them any. He's miserable, he feels rejected, unattractive and a whole bunch of other shit"

Oh, purhlease..........

Op I think you need to ask what kind of person wants to have sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex with them and do you want to be with that kind of a person?

He's sounding pretty immature, needy and insecure to me. OP clearly loves DH and shows this with love, affection, care for him, their children and their home. I actually think he's lucky to be having sex as regularly as he is. About time he starts to think about how is wife feels who sounds exhausted! Ask if he'd like to try a job swap for six months and see if he's still feeling so frisky.

Yes I want to be with him. Please don't misunderstand, my husband is a good man. When we do have sex it's amazing, he is a kind attentive lover when we do it. Tbf David is probably right, for whatever reason not having sex with him as often as DH would like is making him feel unloved and rejected and I hate that because it's him feeling that that makes me feel like he's accusing me of being a cold hearted bitch. I suppose it's a catch 22 situation in that respect. The more he feels pushed away (rightly or wrongly) the more he feels rejected and sulks, the more he sulks and plays the guilt trip on me the less I want to do it anyway.

What can I say to him to make him understand that not having sex with him doesn't mean I don't love/fancy him? Yes he makes childish hurtful comments in the moment and that does not help his cause at all.

He's not a man who does bugger all, expects dinner on the table and to not lift a finger. He's an amazing dad and a friend to me and I love him. Sexual frustration isn't bringing out the best in him though, but I can't have sex if I don't want to, I just can't and I worry about how we can meet in the middle with such differing sex drives plus our life obstacles.

I don't want anyone on here thinking DH is an arsehole because honestly he isn't and I'm not just saying that. I need him to understand that I love the bones of him, even when I don't want sex.

I don't know what more you can do OP, you seem to absolutely adore him, I wish he would grace you with the same respect, whether he's Mr Fantastic or not, he's pressuring you needlessly and I'm afraid it's not going to turn you on when he sulks and goes in huffs.

I also think you are not helping the situation by accepting this as a normal and natural reaction, I don't think so, not when he's having regular sex at least twice a month, I think he expects it and that's what worries me, that you feel duty bound to have sex when you don't even want it.

Just because he wants more sex doesn't make it right OP, in fact I think it's clear from the response that most think he's in the wrong, you certainly are not!

When a man tells you what he's like, listen to him.

Is he doing anything to lower his sex drive? Bromide in his tea?

I could have written this but I'm the woman with the high sex drive. It's miserable.

Ifiwasabadger, any suggestions then on how I can approach this with my husband? What could your oh say to you to make you feel better?

Think he needs reassurance that you are not rejecting him & meet somewhere in the middle. Twice a month isn't regular, most people I know, male & female would consider that a drought! Would drive most men crazy, if it was that infrequent. Engage him more, in the stuff that makes you tired. Good luck :)

For what it's worth I don't think he sounds particularly immature or nasty. Listening in particular to much of what the OP writes it sounds like he's frustrated at not having sex as much as he'd like and handling it badly. The rest of his behaviour is by all accounts good.

Many men do - apparently - equate sex with love in the same way that I imagine many women equate being listened to with love.

OP something that worked for me when I had this problem was going for it rather than telling myself I didn't want to. I knew it would mean an extra 10 minutes (!) delay before sleep and often it relaxed me into sleeping. I would make us go to bed early so it didn't affect my sleep time IYSWIM and often I enjoyed it more than I thought!

It made me want it more too eventually.

Work with him on this, not against him. It's in both your interests long term if you are happy overall

But he is basically rejecting you 3 weeks out of 4 if he wont go near you if there is the chance of any blood, or are you saving him the discomfort of 'repulsion' by simply saying you are not in the mood because you know you are spotting? Does he even realise this? What is his answer if he wants sex all the time but you are bleeding 3 weeks out of 4? Im guessing he would like you not to be bleeding so he could have sex 3 weeks out of 4. I suspect YOU would like to not be bleeding 3 weeks out of 4. But that appears to be out of your control, so why be so arsey about it (unless he really isnt getting that?)