Husband sent pic of his erect penis to his BF's girlfriend.

[dowhat]

I've been a long time lurker but I really need some outside perspective on this - it's been going round and round in my head since I found the messages yesterday evening and I can't sleep. Haven't spoken to anyone (including him) in RL yet and feeling upset, confused and angry.

So I checked on DH's WhatsApp messages yesterday evening and found an archived conversation from Sat eve/ Sun morning with said pic of his dick, bra & knicker shot of her, along with messages of how the thought of her makes him hard etc etc. I know I shouldn't have snooped - serves me right. He'd been out the night before with his BF as he does each week (although I'm pretty sure he doesn't know what his GF or BF is up to) and I have a strong feeling this isn't the first conversation of its type to her.

I haven't spoken to DH yet. I know he'll be utterly vile and that it'll be my fault (after denying it first). It's not the first time he's sexted other women. Pre marriage he had an ongoing sexting relationship with someone (we'll have been married 11 years this year and have 3 DC) and I made the decision to marry him anyway in the ridiculous hope/thought that it was a one off. Then he slept with someone after we'd been married for 18 months when our DD was 6 months. He never apologised for cheating and denied it and denied it, then had a go at me for snooping (although he'd left the computer on the email that led to me finding out). I've not been able to let this go, mainly because of his reaction and lack of any apology - he somehow justified it to himself (midlife crisis, I didn't understand him....) although we haven't spoken about it since - I promised I wouldn't throw it back at him in every argument we had.

I feel so stupid. I feel hurt and angry and upset by the messages yesterday. I know it's not technically cheating but it hurts just as much. But I knew what he was like when I married him. And I know there must be other things he's done that I don't know about. I don't want to be with him but more of me doesn't want to break up our family. I don't want our children to have to go through a divorce.

Having said that, I'm going to make an appt to see a solicitor tomorrow so I'm in possession of some facts and hopefully I'll feel better for doing sonething proactive, but I'm also scared that it will scare me into doing nothing - again.

When I talk to him about this I know he's going to be horrid - that it's my fault for snooping, not having enough sex with him, that he'll fight me for custody of the children if I try to divorce him (we had the conversation last time). I can't forgive him, I'm sure he'll do it again (a leopard can't change its spots right?), but I'm scared that I'll feel even worse separated from him. Part of me just wants to bury my head in the sand and do nothing at all.

Sorry for the long rambling post. Just needed to share. I'm at a total loss about how to deal with this. I can't see that talking with him will help.

Multiple photos because it was a long conversation with two pics to her of his flaccid dick

Dear god - and they say romance is dead

dowhat at this horrible time you'll find yourself swinging between all kinds of emotions, all of them utterly normal. Can I suggest that, while you're feeling strong, you use that time to get everything you'll need put in place? There may be times when you don't feel able to do this, and at least that way you'll be able to stay ahead

I keep coming back to you having previously found him out because he left an email open. Does this guy just want to be caught? Or is that all part of the risk taking?...

Anyway, you sound like you're doing well, OP. Stay strong.

Multiple photos because it was a long conversation with two pics to her of his flaccid dick

Dear god - and they say romance is dead hmm

This ^

Gather your evidence, get copies of all important documents and originals of your own - build your defence and try to stay strong.

Do you think you may need an sti check? Sorry

How utterly vile this man is. Get your evidence and take him for every penny you can. Think of your kids. He deserves nothing, the miserable little worm.

Good on you for being so strong OP

Dowhat, no, you don't deserve this and no, it is not your fault.
You & your DCs need a DH/Dad that loves you, values you & you can trust.
You & your DCs deserve so much more than this. He's stupidly thrown away an awful lot.

Checking an OH's phone is not acceptable behaviour
Excuse me while I laugh for a long time.

You know what you don't actually have to talk to him about. Screen shot the conversation and start preparing for divorce and when you are ready just do it.

OP, I think seeking legal advice is very good preparation .

It strikes me that one of your difficulties with this is that he has been emotionally abusive to you: you are afraid of his reaction, making it all your fault (when obviously he should be quaking and grovelling at being found out), and the fact that when he previously had an affair, far from apologizing and swearing that he would never do it again he made YOU promise never to 'throw it in your face' and threatened you with keeping the children. He is an emotional bully and has tried to take away your power and self esteem. If you brush it under the carpet again , you too go a little further under the mat. You need to rescue yourself from him on the emotional abuse alone. Never mind his disgusting sleazy dishonesty! He doesn't care about anyone else : you, or his so called best friend.

You are doing brilliantly. Legal knowledge and an outside perspective are power.

You don't need to justify why you want to leave, it isn't up to him to decide whether your reasons are good enough, or if it is 'your fault'.

Sorry if this has all been said, I have tried to RTFT but not sure that I have read all pages on phone.

Sorry this has happened to you OP, but it sounds like it is time to love your life, rather than one overshadowed by him.

What a revolting thing to find. Hope the op is ok

He sent her pictures of his Mr Floppy?

What a horrible man. OP keep strong, see what the solicitor says, get your ducks in a row before you make a move. Expect any and every behaviour from him. Hope for the best, but plan for the worst.

I'm so sorry for you, OP. He is not worthy of you.

His past attempts to turn it around and make his cheating your fault are signs of emotional abuse.

I also think it's likely that he's cheated on you more than you know about. If it's possible, you might consider hiring a private investigator. My friend did this and managed to compile a huge amount of evidence to get the divorce she needed.

Take care of yourself. I wish you well x

What a bastard he is. Well done for seeing a solicitor.

You're right OP, a leopard never changes his spots.

Burying your hand in the sand would mean a building up of resentment. Better for your health and happiness to take action.

I fully stand by the poster who is challenging this ridiculous"snooping is wrong" attitude.

My DH and I have an honest relationship and I wouldn't care less if he goes through my phone and vice versa.
If you're innocent you have nothing to hide.

How are you doing today OP?

Take comfort in knowing that you are sorting out to leave this pathetic excuse for a man and blow his life to hell. Keeping quiet quite satisfying knowing you will present him with a 'we are divorcing, this is why, this is what's going to happen, now get out'.

Good luck.

grab your self respect with both hands and don't lose sight of who started this. When he says you shd not have looked at his phone the answer is your instinct pushed you to check and you were right.

What an utter cockwomble! Your going to be so much better off without him, well done for being so calm and brave xx

It doesn't really matter if snooping is wrong or right in this case, does it?

I personally value trust and honesty in a relationship and wouldn't want to be in relationship where I couldn't trust the other person or in a relationship where my partner did not trust me.

I'm the child of divorced parents and I am really glad that they divorced.

I'm so sorry, I hope that however hard you find this next stage, you can see that it would be even harder to stay with him knowing what you know. You and your DCs clearly deserve a lot more.

You would probably have found out one way or another, he seems pretty brazen about his actions, so I wouldn't feel a jot guilty about checking his phone.

startingmylifeagain I would care if someone I trusted betrayed that trust by going through my phone to check up on me. If I'm innocent then there's no reason they should be going through my phone in the first place, at least that's how I see it.

However wrong the OP may have been to snoop (and frankly I don't think it was because if he has a history of doing it it would be natural to want to check, rather than just randomly snooping) it doesn't take away from the fact that her husband is cheating on her by sending dick pics to another woman. The relationship has no chance of survival, the only question is how long it's going to stay on the life support machine with no chance of recovery.

I'm so sorry op. Do you have any support in rl?
Just as a side note, I can honestly say I don't know of anyone who would want a photo of anyone's flaccid penis! They're not very attractive anyway but especially not when flaccid!

Also, don't feel bad about snooping. I've snooped in the past when I've had a gut feeling. I've been right every single time.

How ridiculous mentioning it's wrong to snoop on his phone after everything he's done?! Unbelievable

Two wrongs don't make a right choceclair123. If you come across your partner doing something bad by snooping on them for no good reason then you've both done something wrong. Imagine you are a cop and you search someone for no reason, you just had a gut instinct, and you find they have drugs. That evidence is inadmissible because although they did something wrong by having them, you've also done something wrong by snooping when you shouldn't. While the situation is obviously a bit different, and the OP isn't actually a cop looking for evidence, the principle is the same. If you have a reason to snoop then it's cool, if you don't then it's still wrong, no matter what you find.

Having said that I feel the OP was completely reasonable in snooping here, her husband has a history of doing it and I think she already suspected it and was just looking to confirm. Which is fine, and totally different to what I was talking about when I addressed startingmylifeagain.

What a piece of shit. You'll be well rid. Tell his friend too.

Obviously he's a complete flaccid dick. I think you have tolerated his behaviour for way longer than he deserves. I can't believe the 'you're not allowed to bring up his infidelity in arguments' line - what a controlling bastard. It will be great when you turn the tables, your power may have been on hold for a few years but it's there ready to take action!
If/when he starts bandying threats around you will be in a really strong position having consulted a solicitor already and having the photos to show his (Stbx) BF. You'll get loads of great advice and support on here. Good luck at the solicitors.
You can do it!