Husband sent pic of his erect penis to his BF's girlfriend.

[dowhat]

I've been a long time lurker but I really need some outside perspective on this - it's been going round and round in my head since I found the messages yesterday evening and I can't sleep. Haven't spoken to anyone (including him) in RL yet and feeling upset, confused and angry.

So I checked on DH's WhatsApp messages yesterday evening and found an archived conversation from Sat eve/ Sun morning with said pic of his dick, bra & knicker shot of her, along with messages of how the thought of her makes him hard etc etc. I know I shouldn't have snooped - serves me right. He'd been out the night before with his BF as he does each week (although I'm pretty sure he doesn't know what his GF or BF is up to) and I have a strong feeling this isn't the first conversation of its type to her.

I haven't spoken to DH yet. I know he'll be utterly vile and that it'll be my fault (after denying it first). It's not the first time he's sexted other women. Pre marriage he had an ongoing sexting relationship with someone (we'll have been married 11 years this year and have 3 DC) and I made the decision to marry him anyway in the ridiculous hope/thought that it was a one off. Then he slept with someone after we'd been married for 18 months when our DD was 6 months. He never apologised for cheating and denied it and denied it, then had a go at me for snooping (although he'd left the computer on the email that led to me finding out). I've not been able to let this go, mainly because of his reaction and lack of any apology - he somehow justified it to himself (midlife crisis, I didn't understand him....) although we haven't spoken about it since - I promised I wouldn't throw it back at him in every argument we had.

I feel so stupid. I feel hurt and angry and upset by the messages yesterday. I know it's not technically cheating but it hurts just as much. But I knew what he was like when I married him. And I know there must be other things he's done that I don't know about. I don't want to be with him but more of me doesn't want to break up our family. I don't want our children to have to go through a divorce.

Having said that, I'm going to make an appt to see a solicitor tomorrow so I'm in possession of some facts and hopefully I'll feel better for doing sonething proactive, but I'm also scared that it will scare me into doing nothing - again.

When I talk to him about this I know he's going to be horrid - that it's my fault for snooping, not having enough sex with him, that he'll fight me for custody of the children if I try to divorce him (we had the conversation last time). I can't forgive him, I'm sure he'll do it again (a leopard can't change its spots right?), but I'm scared that I'll feel even worse separated from him. Part of me just wants to bury my head in the sand and do nothing at all.

Sorry for the long rambling post. Just needed to share. I'm at a total loss about how to deal with this. I can't see that talking with him will help.

It is cheating. It's not normal relationship behaviour. It's not ok. His response to being caught out is really horrid.

Op look further through their conversations and other conversations if you have the stamina

See a solicitor and get copies of all relevant documents if you think he's going to make things difficult. Don't give him time to empty bank accounts or anything. I'd do things like this before you confront him about the picture, even though I'd feel like getting an A2 size copy of it and sticking it on his car.

for you. He is a nasty piece of work.

So he has a track record for this and you are not allowed to have feelings about it or challenge it, he feels he is justified and will punish you by being vile to you if you mention it.

So it's a condition of marriage to him basically. It comes down to whether or not on balance you are willing to accept that condition and that's entirely up to you. I am worried it sounds a very unequal relationship from what you're describing with someone who is unkind and bullying towards you and who doesn't seem to care much what you think or feel.

How anyone can make the fact the OP checked his phone the issue here is beyond me! Especially when she was bang on the fucking money!
Sorry that your husband is such a dirty dick OP, you will get through this

Please do get the facts. And please don't be convinced staying is better. I had a continual cheater - so bad for my self esteem, so painful. The good news is, ending the relationship was the best thing, and I have never regretted it.

I think his threats about trying for custody are bullshit, designed to make you stick it out. Nasty bastard. And hugely unlikely that he would become the resident parent. So get your legals, and get support from family and friends. Don't stay, it's a horrible thing to do to yourself.

Doesn't matter how you found out, it's not as though you've been snooping without good reason, and if he has nothing to hide, then what is the problem with him leaving his phone unattended at home?
My dad was a dick like this to my mum. She got rid and I'm go glad she did.
Why punish yourself by staying in this relationship? Your kids won't really thank you for it in the long run, seeing their mum unhappy.
Does he gaslight you in other aspects of your life together?

The standard you accept for yourself is the standard you're telling your kids is ok for them to accept too.... what if it were one of them in your position - what advice would you give?

OP you are not the one to 'break up the family'. He did that, by cheating on you 3 times. You have done nothing. You did not 'snoop' - he had something to hide!

And he will do it again, because - why wouldn't he? he's minimised, deflected blame, justified to himself ... of course he's 'allowed' to cheat.

He's hopefully going to get a shock when you hit him with the facts of divorce. he will not 'get custody' (nor would he want to, probably), he would have to support his children, (and you, possibly) and yes, people would know! (I'd make sure of it!)

I agree that you were right to check his phone. And he doesn't have a leg to stand on if he objects, given what he has been doing behind your back.

It is never unreasonable or unacceptable to take steps to protect yourself. If that involves having to check his phone so you can find out if he has exposed you to sti, for example, then so be it!

If you think your fuckwit husband is cheating I say phones are fair game.

Get angry at this lying piece of shit.

How fucking dare he do this to you, his best friend, his children?

He's a scumbag.

Fucking prick.

I'll hate him for you, until you get to that stage.

You made a mistake marrying him, don't make another mistake of staying with him. This man will never change.

Thanks for all your advice, particularly about not saying anything until I've seen a solicitor. I will try to get a photo of the Whatsapp conversation along with the picture although DH is quite protective over his phone - now i know why. Will let u know how I get on at the solicitors but I'm certainly feeling stronger than last night thanks to your messages. He's made me think that part of him being unfaithful is my fault and I need to stop believing that.

It is cheating. Honestly.

This has been going on so long that you probably don't even notice the effect it's having on you.

As PP said, you won't be breaking up the family- he has done that. Your children need a mum who's happy and having your self esteem continually shattered by this man is not the way to that. He'll do it again and again if you carry on letting him.

You really really must stop thinking that.
You have done nothing to deserve his vile pervy cheating scumbag behaviour, it's not your fault for 'snooping', it's all HIM.
Don't allow him to make you feel otherwise. Don't give him the power to make you feel like you deserve to be treated like this.

He's made me think that part of him being unfaithful is my fault and I need to stop believing that

Of course he wants you to believe that. It couldn't be his fault could it? It's really hard but you need to find a way to stop thinking like that.

know I shouldn't have snooped - serves me right

Its a good job that you did, you wont be wasting the next 30 years of your life now, you will be fine, absolutely fine & happier.

Ive been there & Ive got the t.shirt & it fits bloody lovely, I swore no one would ever make a fool out of me again. I was pregnant when I found out (together 10 years) & Ive been on my own since with DD.

Use us all for support OP.

I have been where you are, everything you said rang true: turning a blind eye, thinking marriage and kids would be important enough, to value over and above cheap thrills. No.

My XH eventually told me (in his 50s) he was a 'player'. How I laughed.

Your H sounds a lot like mine. I found a bit if reading up about Narcissism helpful - helped me make sense I his behaviour and realise it wasn't my fault.

I am happily divorced now. It was the best thing I ever did.

This is your out. Use it.

Very, very best of luck. There's a happy life waiting for you.

What a vile piece of shit. His actions are revolting but worse, his reaction to being found out shows how low he is. He doesn't deserve a wife and three lovely children.

Agree with pp who said get legal advice (you sound right on the ball) and bide your time. Then just slap him with it. Don't let him blame you, speak to you badly, he has absolutely no right whatsoever. Be brave OP. And yes to getting angry. Get quietly angry, use it to fuel you through the next weeks and months as you kick him to the kerb.

Mumsnet is a fantastic source of support. I, and lots of others on here, have been in your shoes. We might only be strangers on the internet but we can help.

I really don't understand the sacrosanct attitude of some posters to mobile phones on MN (and society). If a party ( reasonably) suspects another of foul play, then they are duty bound to look for evidence.

Also anyone who is obsessively protective over their phone as Op says, is a red flag to me. My DW, my DC's, my next door neighbour and even our cleaner all know my password to the phone and computer. They can all look if they want, because I have fuck-all to hide.

Op you have some leverage when your stxh starts to rant and that is the threat of sending the evidence to his BF (even if you don't get the photo, pretend you have). Use this threat.

You have one life.
This is not a rehearsal.
You can't do your life over again.

Do you want to live a life of being cheated on? Do you want to be used by a disrespectful oversexed dickhead?

Choose life.
Your life.

He isn't concerned about the fallout from you finding out about him cheating. He WILL care about his best friend finding out that he's cheating with his OH. He's gone too far this time, hasn't he? It won't be pleasant for him this time.

Fuck him, he isn't worthy of you. Get angry. Gather every shred of evidence you can and get rid.

He's a bully , a cheat and a liar .
he's gets angry when you challenge him to manipulate and control you .
Good luck With seeing the solicitor , confront him in your own time when you are ready .It's time for you to be bloody cross about all this.

You had every right to look at his phone , invading his privacy is small fry compared to what he's doing to you

He is a first class idiot who deflects his guilt by blaming you. Good luck at the solicitors