Husband sent pic of his erect penis to his BF's girlfriend.

[dowhat]

I've been a long time lurker but I really need some outside perspective on this - it's been going round and round in my head since I found the messages yesterday evening and I can't sleep. Haven't spoken to anyone (including him) in RL yet and feeling upset, confused and angry.

So I checked on DH's WhatsApp messages yesterday evening and found an archived conversation from Sat eve/ Sun morning with said pic of his dick, bra & knicker shot of her, along with messages of how the thought of her makes him hard etc etc. I know I shouldn't have snooped - serves me right. He'd been out the night before with his BF as he does each week (although I'm pretty sure he doesn't know what his GF or BF is up to) and I have a strong feeling this isn't the first conversation of its type to her.

I haven't spoken to DH yet. I know he'll be utterly vile and that it'll be my fault (after denying it first). It's not the first time he's sexted other women. Pre marriage he had an ongoing sexting relationship with someone (we'll have been married 11 years this year and have 3 DC) and I made the decision to marry him anyway in the ridiculous hope/thought that it was a one off. Then he slept with someone after we'd been married for 18 months when our DD was 6 months. He never apologised for cheating and denied it and denied it, then had a go at me for snooping (although he'd left the computer on the email that led to me finding out). I've not been able to let this go, mainly because of his reaction and lack of any apology - he somehow justified it to himself (midlife crisis, I didn't understand him....) although we haven't spoken about it since - I promised I wouldn't throw it back at him in every argument we had.

I feel so stupid. I feel hurt and angry and upset by the messages yesterday. I know it's not technically cheating but it hurts just as much. But I knew what he was like when I married him. And I know there must be other things he's done that I don't know about. I don't want to be with him but more of me doesn't want to break up our family. I don't want our children to have to go through a divorce.

Having said that, I'm going to make an appt to see a solicitor tomorrow so I'm in possession of some facts and hopefully I'll feel better for doing sonething proactive, but I'm also scared that it will scare me into doing nothing - again.

When I talk to him about this I know he's going to be horrid - that it's my fault for snooping, not having enough sex with him, that he'll fight me for custody of the children if I try to divorce him (we had the conversation last time). I can't forgive him, I'm sure he'll do it again (a leopard can't change its spots right?), but I'm scared that I'll feel even worse separated from him. Part of me just wants to bury my head in the sand and do nothing at all.

Sorry for the long rambling post. Just needed to share. I'm at a total loss about how to deal with this. I can't see that talking with him will help.

You have had such low standards for his behaviour so far. You have every right to draw a line, now or whenever you want.

He really doesn't sound like someone you are going to have a sensible discussion with, agree with getting your ducks in a line.

And next relationship set the ground rules and have higher standards. What works for us: No discussion wth the opposite sex that DH wouldn't be prepared to have in my presence. And me him.

Imagine how you'll feel if you stay in this hell 'for the sake of the DC' then in a few years he gets himself what he thinks id a better offer and leaves you all anyway?

I grew up in a toxic household with a dad who showed open contempt for my mum (e.g calling her a cunt in front of me when I was just primary school aged) I wish to God every day she'd be strong enough to leave him. As it is I barely see her now because so much damage was done by her not wanting to split up the family.

I wish you every strength.

What a scummy thing to do - they sound like they deserve each other.

forewarned is forearmed, go see the solicitor see what and where you stand, let the BF know once you have everything ready.
LOOOOOOL fight you for custody they all say that... the divorce is expensive enough without a custody battle on his hands as well.

Start putting money away too, you need a rainy day fund even if its £5 -£10 a week it soon builds up ( thats advice for everyone never know whats round the corner) sometimes once you are finacially sound it gives you the strength to go ahead

Good luck with it all , i hope he doesnt talk you round and yes its going to be daunting being on your own but you have your kids, and one day you will look back and think "thank god i done it"

Those who last laugh sweetie x

I'd not even bother with the ins and outs of it tbh. Don't give him the opportunity to minimise and blame. Get your info, gather your evidence and tell him you're divorcing him for unreasonable behaviour once you have your plan of action.
You know he'll deny
You know he'll blame you
You know he'll be a cunt
Be one step ahead.

Make sure the friend knows what's going I would forward him the message to be honest

Then proceed with divorcee

He was like that before marriage
During and currently

Thanks Goodbetterbest It's good to know it is possible to be happy after divorce and you are living proof! Most of the things I've read tend to show the negatives - but it's got to be better than where I am.

I'm not a SAHM, I work full time same as DH - so not sure where I stand in terms of custody. The more difficult thing will be that DH works for me full time (not my own business) - once things kick off I'm not sure how I'll handle that.

I've made an appointment with the solicitor, but it's not until next Monday afternoon so I'll be getting the photo and my thoughts together for that. God, I can't believe this is happening.

You'll be in shock for sure. Try to keep things simple for now. Cook simple meals, go into 'beautific' mode. Drink lots of sugary tea if it soothes you.
Your heart and brain are probably going 100 miles an hour. It's horrible. Be kind to yourself. If you can stand it, stick to telling him nothing until you've seen your solicitor.

Hugs etc...it's very stressful.

I read a good American book while going through my divorce....the advice above was called building your 'war chest'.

It was very aptly named under the circumstances.

My war chest allowed me to buy the very best solicitor. It also allowed me to treat myself in what was one of the very lowest points of my life.

Everyone needs a war chest, particularly women. This idea was passed down from my grandmother who had been married to a gambler.

The divorce itself can be quite cheap...but omg squabbling over the spoils can really push up the price.

It's a time when not only must you fight for your rights but look after yourself throughout. Eating well and giving yourself time to get enough sleep, given that your head will be full of millions of thoughts. Not relying on substances that you think will help but will only hurt you in the long term.

The sooner you can get this dick out of your life the better you will feel.

Oh dear, I'm sorry .

On the bright side, at least you have pictorial confirmation of how massive a cunt he is before you waste anymore of your precious life with him.

The ball is in your court. I know it's easier said than done but if you can manage to keep calm and get your things in order quietly - finances, divorce proceedings, practical arrangements etc. etc. & then tell him to get out of the house when you are ready. On your terms.

He'll probably be expecting an emotional reaction from you (which of course is entirely natural). He will then be expecting to be able to manipulate you whilst at your most vulnerable & upset, and ultimately manage to make you feel as though this is somehow your fault.

He is not worth any more of your trust & effort OP. I very rarely say LTB on here - but in your case I will definitely make an exception.

I would also inform BF of the reason behind your split - but after you have kicked him out, so as not to alert your H.

Good luck OP. You are worth so much more than this pathetic excuse for a man.

I'm sorry you're going through this. The wheel Doreen posted is really good. Take a look at how much applies to you and your marriage.

Time for deep breaths, and action. You can't live this way, your children and YOU deserve better. Time to stop listening to him, and start organising a new life for you and your dc's.

If you want a good news story....I had the most stressful of divorces that went on for several years.

I came out of it very well and within months met a lovely man that I married last year.

We've had seven fabulous years together . I couldn't be happier. I'm 63 btw...so was quite an old bride.

DH is just so different to exh .

Start compiling a budget. I did a spreadsheet and included every tiny little thing. It was really useful at mediation when we were looking at maintenance. Start to compile pension, mortgage info, marital assets and single assets. Just get a folder and bung it all in there for now so it's in one place.

Go on entitledto.com and find out if you can claim any benefits. Request the forms so you are ready to send.

Start preparing practically so when the shit hits the fan there is less to think about and you can deal with it emotionally. I felt as though I was grieving. I had one day where I cried and cried and just couldn't stop. Just one day. Says a lot.

He's a twat.

Over the next week find out what you will need for the solicitor gather all that up.

Could you maybe tell one person that you trust implicitly in RL just so you've got someone.

Then just before your dh gets the divorce paperwork go and let his BF know and chat to your work as it's likely to cause problems.

You'll do great Op.

"H works for me full time (not my own business) ".
Some couples continue that - There are some famous hair dressers who both stay within the businses and the celebrity cook (and his wife who is the business brains and owns the restaurants etc 50/50) where they both kept working together. However it's not easy. My ex did some work for me so part of our divorce settlement was an employment compromise agreement of his claims.

On contact and children again we both worked full time as you two do. Our children were old enough as teenagers (the older ones) to choose and they wanted to live with me - in fact they asked me to divorce their father - so that was easy. However obviously there was a risk he might have had them in which case I would not have divorced. for use everyone is much much happier afetr divorce and although their father got more than half (I earn more) I was able to take on a massive mortgage, buy him out of the house and keep the house so the chidlren did not need to change school or their home which for many children are the two key issues.

I don't particularly think sending a penis shot matters too much but it obviously does to you and lots of people so if you cannot tolerate it yes take legal advice, get copies of all documents like marriage certs, pensions of both of you, investments, credit cards, his P60s so you know where you stand legally and don't move out. Possession is 9/10ths of the law.

There is little point in confronting him, as after reading what you have posted he will just minimise, manipulate and deflect.

IMO this probably isn't the first time he has sent these pics to her and vice versa and I agree with AF, it's all about the thrill and high stakes.

As others have said, gather info on mortgage, pensions, savings, debts to take with you.

Also, when things begin to kick off could you speak to your line manager? I say this as you said he works for you.

The name cheater is completely appropriate. A serial cheater. And a serial betrayer who does not think twice about betraying his long time partner and his BF.
I would serve him the surprise effect divorce paperwork. He really deserve it.

All the practicals as outlined above, but when you serve him surprise divorce papers this is the time I'd personally alert the BF and tell him why you're divorcing his mate (with evidence). He will minimise the arse off it to his friend if you alert him beforehand.

You poor thing, OP, stay strong and best of luck getting shot of the chuffing shitwipe

I'm going to make an appt to see a solicitor tomorrow ... hopefully I'll feel better for doing something proactive, but I'm also scared that it will scare me into doing nothing

From experience, I believe you'll find that getting proper information is empowering rather than scary; you're certainly doing the right thing in going

Also agree with others to say nothing about what you're planning. This sleazebag has quite a lot of practice in manipulating you, and you really don't want to offer that opportunity again; hopefully he'll learn exactly what his actions are going to cost him soon enough

yes don't tell the BF yet, wait until all your evidence is in place and so is your mind... get your papers sorted with solicitor first ...
We can all be under handed when our backs are against the wall and yes its all secretive etc, one other word of advice / warning DO NOT TELL A SOUL WHAT YOU AE ABOUT TO DO its funny how it "leaks" out. the only person i would tell wnaything to is my mum ... mums the word and all that, especially if you need support , once its all out there then you can tell the world who cares, but for now keep your friends close and enemies closer.

Remember you aren't playing your cards close to your chest because you are being underhand, you are doing so to avoid being manipulated by him.

You can email watapp conversations to yourself. If you go into the archived page (don't click into the message) swipe left on it and you'll be given options and email chat will be there. It can be emailed to any address and it doesn't keep a record of it been emailed. Make sure you click the option to attach media (photos)

So I managed to take photos of the Whatsapp conversation and their disgusting pics. Multiple photos because it was a long conversation with two pics to her of his flaccid dick too that I hadn't seen yesterday. I've only just seen your post broken so will try to email the conversation to myself as well if I get time alone with his phone again.

I don't feel bad for snooping. I would have felt guilty had I not found anything.

Feeling surprisingly strong today and quite proud that I've managed to act quite normally round him all day.

Thank you for all your positive comments - you've really helped me feel less confused.

Glad you´re feeling empowered and confident like a woman on a mission to kick his sorry arse!

You don´t wanna sacrifice any more of your life martyring yourself for this bloody loser. The fact he shows no remorse just proves what an arrogant prick he is and that he will never have a decent, loving relationship with any woman. There simply is not room for a lovely lady in his life as his ego is constantly in the way!

He seems to have an inability to value and consider anybody else´s feelings cos he feels that superior and smug. Well he´s got a big surprise in store when you sock it to him! The wanker! Urgh...

Stay strong, lassie. He has nothing on you.

Argh what a fucking inadequate little CUNT of a man. I feel so angry on your behalf, OP. Please stay strong, you have a better life ahead of you.