Husband sent pic of his erect penis to his BF's girlfriend.

[dowhat]

I've been a long time lurker but I really need some outside perspective on this - it's been going round and round in my head since I found the messages yesterday evening and I can't sleep. Haven't spoken to anyone (including him) in RL yet and feeling upset, confused and angry.

So I checked on DH's WhatsApp messages yesterday evening and found an archived conversation from Sat eve/ Sun morning with said pic of his dick, bra & knicker shot of her, along with messages of how the thought of her makes him hard etc etc. I know I shouldn't have snooped - serves me right. He'd been out the night before with his BF as he does each week (although I'm pretty sure he doesn't know what his GF or BF is up to) and I have a strong feeling this isn't the first conversation of its type to her.

I haven't spoken to DH yet. I know he'll be utterly vile and that it'll be my fault (after denying it first). It's not the first time he's sexted other women. Pre marriage he had an ongoing sexting relationship with someone (we'll have been married 11 years this year and have 3 DC) and I made the decision to marry him anyway in the ridiculous hope/thought that it was a one off. Then he slept with someone after we'd been married for 18 months when our DD was 6 months. He never apologised for cheating and denied it and denied it, then had a go at me for snooping (although he'd left the computer on the email that led to me finding out). I've not been able to let this go, mainly because of his reaction and lack of any apology - he somehow justified it to himself (midlife crisis, I didn't understand him....) although we haven't spoken about it since - I promised I wouldn't throw it back at him in every argument we had.

I feel so stupid. I feel hurt and angry and upset by the messages yesterday. I know it's not technically cheating but it hurts just as much. But I knew what he was like when I married him. And I know there must be other things he's done that I don't know about. I don't want to be with him but more of me doesn't want to break up our family. I don't want our children to have to go through a divorce.

Having said that, I'm going to make an appt to see a solicitor tomorrow so I'm in possession of some facts and hopefully I'll feel better for doing sonething proactive, but I'm also scared that it will scare me into doing nothing - again.

When I talk to him about this I know he's going to be horrid - that it's my fault for snooping, not having enough sex with him, that he'll fight me for custody of the children if I try to divorce him (we had the conversation last time). I can't forgive him, I'm sure he'll do it again (a leopard can't change its spots right?), but I'm scared that I'll feel even worse separated from him. Part of me just wants to bury my head in the sand and do nothing at all.

Sorry for the long rambling post. Just needed to share. I'm at a total loss about how to deal with this. I can't see that talking with him will help.

Good luck with the solicitor OP. Get angry and take control.

I have seen threads encouraging people to get hold of partner's phone when behaving suspiciously so just ignore the it's your fault for snooping line, load of utter bollocks.

It's definitely not your fault. Just because you agreed to not throw it back at him doesn't mean you can't divorce the twat for his precious cheating. If he cheated in 1990 you can still decide actually in 2016 you have had enough of trying to get past it and divorce his arse. The fact you are scared you will be frightened into doing nothing shows you really want to do something. Well do it! Your kids will suffer more from staying in this fake family situation and then find out their father is a cheat than you separating now. They might blame themselves for you staying and that is damaging too. It should be illegal to stay for the kids as it rarely is the best decision.

Find the script. When he threatens custody of the kids just laugh in his face. So many men are so stupid they all threaten this. They think it gives them power. Well let him think he will have the kids. There will be no time for thinking about sex never mind a wank. And OF COURSE this isn't the first message of this type to the OW. No one has a innocent friend text relationship with someone, or none at all, then sends a dick pic.

That's a ridiculous MN attitude that I'm fighting a one-woman battle to demolish

You're not on your own.

Many people have found the evidence they needed to end a relationship, otherwise they'd have been tethered to a cheating scumback till they die and wasted their life.

I snooped at the beginning of my relationship, my previous wasn't good and I was a mess tbh.

I'm glad I did because I was able to trust again. 22years later and my trust issues have gone. My DH knew my past, understood and realised it's what I needed to do, but of course both of us would have rather I had never been so damaged in the first place!

So glad you snooped OP. Gather the evidence and all the info you need and get to a solicitor. Now knowing your rights and the process will make you fearful, knowing as much as you can will make you stronger.

Wow, what a twat.

But he's given you a way out - take it! And don't tell him.

Of course he wants to lay the blame all the blame at your door.
Keep quite for now

Take a picture with your phone of the messages and keep them safe.

Plot, plan, work out finances, put money away and then set yourself free

Your family is better off without this pond life full time I. Your lives as he will make all of you unhappy and miserable

Set your family free

If you were so terrible that you forced him to cheat, he wouldn't be so desperate for you to stay that he threatens to fight for custody of the kids or be trying to minimise his cheating. He knows he's just a cheater and that you would he better off without him. He on the other hand is a serial cheater who will cheat whoever he was with. And does he really want custody of 3 kids on his own?

I found it helpful to write everything down. I did a timeline of events and took it to a solicitor. It helped me clarify and focus.

I ended the marriage and we told the kids a few months later. He moved out 4 months after that. (We had slept in separate rooms for years). We had mediation which was really helpful. I didn't accept responsibility, not did I lay blame. I kept my dignity and found a solicitor I felt safe with. We focused on the kids, so we haven't had to move house and we have a court order which is good. Also I have some of his pension. I don't want to suggest that you run before you can walk, but it has by no means been a disaster for us. I have had to be extremely tolerant but it has been worth it.

Do not let him guilt trip you or lead you to believe this is your fault under any circumstances!

I have no patience with the 'shouldn't snoop' line, it's utterly unintelligent.

If all the cheated on women didn't snoop they'd never be any the wiser!

If you suspect your husband is having an affair (and this guy has form) if you don't snoop you're a prize chump.

OP - I'm sorry that your husband is a massive lying arsehole. At this point I think solicitor is the only option. And what he did is cheating.

What's your situation - do you work? SAHM?

Just posting to echo the pp x and add - ewwwww! Ltb!! X you definitely deserve better - does his best friend know yet? He deserves better too x

It IS cheating op. People cheat in a number of ways - physical or emotional or cyber relationships etc. It's all cheating to a degree. Sending a pic of his ugly bits to another woman?? Would he send something like that to his boss or his parents? And if he had chance to be physically alone with her that same night, what do you think would have happened then? Unfortunately you know full well.

Also people only get over-defensive about snooping in these scenarios because they are guilty and they know it. When you have good reason 'snooping', or more appropriately 'searching for the hard evidence', is fully justified. You had extremely good reason. Don't let him turn this back on you.

I would have screen shot anything I found (as gross as it is) and forwarded pics to myself then hid my phone in case he goes snooping to delete them to be used as evidence for easier divorce. And I agree with everything regeneration said above.

This is so awful, I'm so sorry for you. I pray you find the courage to go through with this, please be strong and do not waste any more years with this utter loser.

*he the best friend I mean... X

Go with your gut instincts. And don't feel bad about looking. If there was nothing to hide in the first place you wouldn't be in this situation. Good luck.

Who the hell are these women who are happy to receive pictures of erect cocks? Seriously, that would make me want to vomit. Utterly weird.

OP, your H is a revolting, inadequate little man. I would try to take a picture of the messages between them, then we solicitor, then either show messages to the friend or use as leverage to make him play nice.

These sex obsessed twats always escalate

Now he is bringing his inadequacy to your door. He is sniffing around his mate's girlfriend. This could bring massive drama right to your house, with your kids invoed

How bad does it have to get before you call time ? You walk in on him with some girl in your bed ? That is where this is going. The thrills have to get more and more risky and part of the game is to see how far he can push you

Don't stick around to see what he will do next

*involved

What AF said...how bad does it have to get?
:(

I am not a 'LTB' type poster, but in your case I wouldn't even bother talking to him. I'd copy the messages, speak to a solicitor, get my ducks in a row and then inform him that I was filing for divorce.

I don't see the problem with looking for evidence, I'm sure it would literally drive people mad to have that gut feeling and no proof and then the cheating git would gaslight the cheated on party.

If I ever had a suspicion I would look and would also consider hiring someone to investigate. I lived next door to an ex police officer when I was younger who spent a lot of time investigating wayward husbands.

After you have got rid of him OP you will have a much better life.

As for the custody threat, ignore it. I doubt he is dad of the year now. He is not going to want to have full responsibility for the DC cramping his style. He is too selfish to want the main caring role for the DC. He is only saying that because he knows that contact with the DC matters to you.

Best of luck.

eew. Sleasy.

Get rid.

Oh mate. I am so sorry that you find yourself where you are today. He has done a total number on you. Essentially, he will do as he pleases while you may not use it against him.
It's bonkers when you think about it. How did you get here? Well I'll tell you...he is a manipulative bully who uses your good nature and intentions to work against you. You want to make the marriage work and you are prepared to compromise to do that...he sees that as your weak spot. He didn't apologise or make amends for his infidelity, yet you are banned from talking about it. How did he manage to get you to agree to that? Cos he's a twisted bastard that's how!
He makes his flaws your doing as well which is just...despicable. He's got you every which way you turn.

All I can say is this...the end of this marriage is his responsibility. It is not down to you to save it, you haven't done anything wrong. He has gone back on his vows. His actions have caused the breakdown of the marriage.
Marriage vows are a promise to behave, not a sentence of accepting being shat on. You have no obligation to stay.

You know what I'll advise...but I want to wish you luck whatever you decide to do. How upsetting and stressful. xxx

that he'll fight me for custody of the children if I try to divorce him

Yeah the country is filled with men who fought for custody of the kids and won.

Not.

There are a few but this is a line pulled regularly by ABUSERS.

I also agree with advice to dismiss the custody threat. I hope you get great advice from your solicitor.

There are no excuses for what he has done there.