Re: Feeling so down after husband has left me for another woman after 30 years

[Hushabyemountain98]

I posted yesterday but was a bit too detailed.
I am feeling so down and tonight I found myself sobbing out load.
I am finding this so hard. Even though I have a supportive family and friends.

Thank you again Breadandwine.
I will have a look for The Casserole Club and see if we have it around here. I saw it on the TV the other day.
What a good thing you do for Simon and Graham. I am sure they really appreciate it.
Take care x

I am having a meltdown again. When are these feelings ever going to end.
It is so unfair. Where did I go wrong? Xx

Husha, it can take a long time for these meltdowns to stop but I can promise you that they will stop. But just how long it takes? No one knows.

As for where you went wrong? Well the truth is that you didnt and in time you will realise that as well. In the meantime though - I wish we lived closer to each other and we could help!

It is early days yet for you Hush but things will slowly get better for you.

I'd say the feelings never go away, but you just get better at dealing with them, and learn to cope with the pain.

It is unfair, but then life is a bitch, and you went wrong by choosing a cheating bastard for a husband.

You just have to put one foot in front of the other and keep going.
You have time to make a better life for yourself, get a better job, take a new direction, you are still young, your life is full of possibilities.

Thank you notonyurjellybellynelly for always being there for me.
I think that I am feeling a little better and then it just hits me again!
Not helped by it being Valentine's Day.
She is getting the love that I should have!
Xx

Dear Hush, I know you haven't said much about what's happened on here but I did see signs earlier that you were starting to get angry (the slug bit). It's horrible what's happened to you. I don't have any wise words - it's a long journey that you're on. BUT ..... I bet there are all sorts of things about him that you don't miss. I bet there are loads of things that he did, and said that drove you mad. You WILL be able to get through this in time. There's no magic recipe but you will start getting angry - and I think that's very therapeutic. And once you start to see him as the fool / selfish git / vile person (delete as appropriate) and begin to understand what impact he has had on you, then I think you start to move away from his shadow and longing for him to return, and start to re-discover and re - build yourself. I suspect we're of a similar age and I promise you that I've not been happier for many years. You will get there - it may take ages and will be up and down but eventually there will be more ups than downs xx

Hello Hush. I don't know really what to write as I often used to think the same myself. At the beginning when my husband first left I really did believe it was all my fault and I was the one who had been doing things wrong. But that was only because that's what I was told by him - every stupid reason he gave for leaving was all my fault, and initially I believed him, and really beat myself up about it. But now with time I can see that it is NOT my fault and I didn't go wrong. And I'm sure that it's the same with you Hush. I bet you have spent years accommodating him, forgiving him, continually smoothing things out. Trying your very, very best to make it work. The only thing you did' wrong' was being your decent self. They simply only care about themselves.

Thank you Allalonenow for your continued support.
I don't think I am young at 58.
I am trying so hard to be strong but it doesn't always work.
xx

Thank you once again louisa.
You are right there are things that I do not miss about him.
But right now I am so very lonely.
I have been here before with him several times and that actually makes it worse.
I was the fool who took him back again and again.
This time it is total betrayal. Done in such a cruel way. I have been in limbo for months. He has been playing mind games with me. Then as if he hasn't twisted the knife enough he is telling a pack of lies to his solicitor. He could not even admit his adultery.
I have to get to a happier place like you have. For me and my sons.
Thanks again xx

But Hush 58 is still young enough to travel, to do a degree, to start a small business. You have about 10 years before you will get the state pension!

Are you artistic? If you sew, hand made quilts are in massive demand ATM. Or just paint for pleasure, or grow flowers to sell at a farmers' market.

Don't worry too much about being strong, just be yourself.

But 58 is not considered old nowadays! Really, it isn't.
Hush, I have two elderly neighbours, both very wise.
The first one, who doesn't know about my situation, was proudly telling me that she was going to be 92 next week. (She still plays tennis!) I told her that I was nearly fifty and that I was at a turning point in my life
Ooh, she says, you're only halfway through your life, you've got lots of things still yet to do, make sure you have fun!
The second neighbour that knows my situation is eighty eight and she gave me a proper talking to! She said that if I was going to sit at home and waste my life crying and being sad that she would have my life off me as she had nearly used hers up. She stuck out her hand and said 'give me your life, give it to me now as I'll have a better use for it'! Honestly, they both really made me think. It's not going to change for me overnight, but yes, we need to live our lives! 58 is not old according to these women, they'd have 58 off you in a flash!

58 really isn't old! Plenty of good things out there for you yet

Hello Pisco,

Thank you again. You are right I did everything for him. He has treated me really badly with affairs and all the put downs etc etc.
But this time he has just about finished me off.
Thank you for all your support. I think we deserve so much better xx

Thank you again Allalonenow.
I love cooking, photography and travelling.
I am not really that artistic. I used to do cake icing though. Sewing is not my thing!
If my husband has his way I won't be able to afford to travel!
Xx

Hello Pisco,
Thank you for telling me about your neighbours.
I will try and keep that in mind.
Xx

Thanks again bb888 for your support xx

But this time he has just about finished me off.

Oh no, he hasn't! Don't believe that for a second.

58? Pah, that's no age at all!

I took early retirement at 55, trained as a teacher of adults (so I could teach bread making), did a Cert Ed - and then wound up with a degree at the age of 60.

Been teaching now for 23 years - never been happier (in that I found out I should have been a teacher all along!)

About your ex:

I've often wondered about this sort of inadequate. My feeling is that they've always been aware of their inability to function as a normal, caring human being. And at some stage they'll be found out, no matter how they try to hide it. So they take their frustration out on those nearest to them - if they can have some sort of control over their partner, this makes up in part for their lack of common humanity and feeling!

Your ex has lost his marriage - which he never really cared for, since he only cares for himself; and he's lost his sons - he'll never regain their respect.

No matter what he thinks he has gained ATM, he's still the tosser he was with you. He hasn't changed - how long before his new arrangement goes tits up? He'll die alone and friendless is my forecast.

There will come a time when you'll feel nothing but pity for your ex. Not yet - it's too soon. But it will happen, I'm sure.

In the meantime, you will grow as a human being - away from his stultifying presence, you'll flourish!

Hush - I am older than you and everyone's right - 58 is not old!
And of course he's telling lies to his solicitor. That's what he is - a cheat and a liar! Look at some of the threads on here and see how some men lie right through their divorce cases. Fortunately women see through this and have armed themselves with information that shows up their lies.
I hope that you've been able to gather together the financial / legal 'evidence' in terms of copies of all the relevant paperwork (bank statements, pension papers, mortgage etc) to support your case? There's a useful list floating round on this board somewhere. Don't let him 'finish you off'. Start to fight back. The law and a Shit Hot Lawyer will help ensure that you get what is rightly yours.
xx

Thank you Breadandwine.
I am glad you have found something that you really enjoy doing.
I hope that I will be able to grow as a human being and make a new life for myself eventually x

Thank you louisa for your support and advice.
Thanks for saying 58 is not old!
I feel drained tonight and I am going to try and get some sleep.
Goodnight xx

Im 58 in 2 months and I still feel young. In fact I don't feel any age at all. I couldn't put a number on me. Yes, I do have the occasional ache and pain and general stiffness but they're all menopause related and not because Im old.

Did you know that about 6 months after I separated I started a business? A family based activity centre. I went into it with one of my girls. The idea behind it was that a family could come along and each of them could do something, either alone, or together. It was really good but a year into it and just as we were having to move to bigger premises I said to my daughter I want to do much more with my time than this so Im calling it a day. And I did. I'd never worked in my life but I made a really good go of the business and I found out that I really am pretty fab even though I say so myself!

There is something out there for you Husha for when you are ready and able to take it on. It will take time, and far from being old - your life really is just beginning.

Oh, and listen to Bread - she really is talking a whole lot of sense.

xxxx

Hi notonyur.
I am glad that you still feel young.

I did not know that yo started a business shortly after you separated.
I am glad it worked out for you while you wanted to do it.

I hope you are right having all this confidence in me.

Have a good day xx

Good Afternoon Chiconbeige. I hope you made it to London Okay?
I hope there is some sun in London? xx

Good afternoon Hush. Have you polished off the focaccia?
Have you been out in the sun today walking the dogs? It was lovely here this morning, but with a very cold wind. So we baked a cake and played Cluedo with terrible French accents! I think we were all playing as Inspector Clouseau. Anyway, I lost twice. Hope you're ok xxx

Good Afternoon Pisco.
I shared my focaccia with my neighbour.
I walked the dogs in the sun but it was a really cold wind.
It sounds asthough you had a fun afternoon apart from losing twice!
I am OK or at least I think I am. I have tried to stay busy.
It will be later when I sit and think too much that I will feel miserable.
Thanks for your kind thoughts. Have a nice evening xx