Yes this happened to me too! In the most devastating and emotionally damaging way possible. I was with my bf for just under a year. This man was the sweetest guy I had ever met. He had shortcomings like he would let me pay rather than paying for dates outside of the house (I made more but not an excuse as I had two joint surgeries and was off work for about 6+ months recovering from those). My ex did not live with me but he basically spent 3-4 nights at my house and would be home right after work. I really treated him exceptionally well. We got along well minus two misunderstandings (one was not even considered an argument). The other was based on something he internalized and didn’t speak up about until 10 days of being distant and strange (this would be the only red flag leading up to what happened). I felt that was unacceptable to leave someone hanging and not to show up or text when it was baffling to me to not even understand what he was mad at! Turned out he was upset that I called him an ass and jerk (which were said in jest in the bedroom after too many glasses of wine and I wanted some action whereas he didn’t). I honestly thought that was so trivial and didn’t even consider that would be an issue at all. I chalked him up to being very sensitive and I was mindful of how I spoke to him after that. My friends and family liked him. They all thought he was genuine. A couple of my gfs found him to be a nervous personality (easily flustered, anxious and jittery). I only saw him really have heightened exaggerations of this when he would lose his luggage at the airport (he went out for smokes rather than dealing with his missing luggage which I stepped in to help with) and when he purchased his truck (he knew I would argue a better price). Other than that, he seemed so keen on me, always loving but I didn’t give him any grief. He would come and go as he wanted and I never argued that because at first I felt he was too smothering! I am a firm believer that two people should have their alone time or seperate interests or friends time. Yet he was monopolizing most of mine which makes this story get even stranger....
I met his siblings but would never meet his parents (he gave me random reasons and they lived 4 hours apart but he clearly had issues with his Mother). He never spoke of her highly at all which made me slightly apprehensive to meet her anyway. There was mention that she was an alcoholic and not so nurturing. I found the dynamic odd but I gave him benefit of doubt. He was always so pleasant to my family and spent a lot of time with my parents.
We talked about moving in, purchasing a home together, family of our own and travel plans... and we talked of the possibility of getting pregnant as we were not having protected sex. We were both ok with the thought of if it happened, we would consider it a blessing. We knew we wanted more than one and I’m 37 and he is just turning 35....
We had no troubles leading up to what happened next (beside his 10 day not talking to me properly or seeing me fiasco which happened two months earlier). He was scared that I would leave him and I let it go thinking it was just a misunderstanding. So I realized after a series of mood changes and irritability all week that it was best to do a pregnancy test. He even suggested it and had noticed a change in my mood. It turned out that I was :) I was over the moon happy. He was a bit nervous which we all are as first time parents. But he embraced it and said he was happy and couldn’t wait. He was impressed at how well I took care of myself during my early pregnancy phase. We talked about getting married before the birth. His words “I knew you were the one, I just thought we would get to this stage maybe next summer but that’s ok! I’m really happy and this gives us time to work on baby 2”(we talked about our ages and not being the youngest cats out there).
At week 5 I sadly suddenly miscarried while waiting for my doctors appointment. It started that morning and the sheer reality of it was upsetting. He asked me if he should come to the clinic. I didn’t see a point at that time since he was at work and no one could prevent it. I came home after seeing the doc just devastated. He asked me if he should visit me that day. I said no but I also felt that it was a no brainer. I can say in hindsight I should have been more direct. I didn’t know how to comprehend what I was feeling... so many emotions but it was his too and he could have come without asking. He smothered me at the start of the relationship to the point it was too much at first... so where was he now?
The rings were bought during my brief pregnancy. A week later he proposed. I felt the grief was still so fresh. It was an easy yes at the time. Yet I felt no actual emotional support from him which didn’t feel right. Not even a hug. Just a couple of calls from work and when he did see me, he was acting odd. We went to a friend’s party where he and I met new ppl. He was socially being awkward and not mingling whereas I was despite my internalized grief. My friends and family are amazing so I felt the support of my brother and best friend who were with me. I had my first glass of wine and confronted him, “I really needed you around this whole week” he said sorry which for some reason didn’t sound meaningful. I didn’t know if it was nerves or grief of his own (he said he felt the loss but he also said (post miscarriage), “this is going to sound real bad but we just go back to work and back on the wagon again” ...”we can try again later”... not words I wanted to hear. To me the grief was more profound. I guess it wasn’t his body. I also felt sick for 3 days leading up to the loss physically. I also think a woman’s pregnancy hormones have a lot to do with how we deal with grief.
A week later when he proposed and I said yes, he didn’t seem too excited that same evening. Sort of scared. Knowing how nervous of a person he was. I thought not to overthink it but even flat out said are you sure you want to do this? There is no baby now so if you’re not ready? It’s ok... he said he was ready. He also told me he had to help his gf out the next morning. I never met her leading up to this. He was kind of a loner. I met his two best friends who were different to my set of friends. His best friends wife made no effort to get to know me and I had seen her 3 tines and took gifts for her kids. He said she had social anxiety. This other girl was someone he never talked too much about although I had heard of her. I said your friend can ask someone else to help her move tomorrow. We just got engaged! I made my stance clear and didn’t want to be the woman who corners him. That grows resentment long term. I didn’t think he would go help her but he did! The day of engagement my family is celebrating until 2am and he’s in bed by 11 knowing he has to help her first thing in the morning. I’m no fool... I wondered if he was having cold feet but I voiced that already. He left and it didn’t sit well with me. He was not there for my miscarriage but was there in a heartbeat for her. She apparently was in a bad situation leaving her husband number 2 and had the 4 kids and needed a mattress moved for her boy. I asked him 4 days later to tell me who she is, why hadn’t I met her? Why was she a priority and I wasn’t? He was shook up. Very nervous (he doesn’t do well with confrontation or conflict). I let it be. A few days later I still wanted answers and I knew I couldn’t proceed to marriage if a man can’t be there for tough times with me but prioritized a friend he’s known since high school. He dug a hole deeper and deeper with excuses for his behaviour.. “she knows I’m in a relationship but I didn’t tell her I’m engaged” (you can imagine how I felt and I was ticked off). I was not rude but I was visibly angry and said it’s his fault not being honest to her or me and not setting healthy boundaries. I suggested he do that. He then said “I don’t want to hurt her feelings because she’s in a bad situation” I said you’re hurting mine and unless there’s more or a history with you two, her feelings won’t be sad she should be happy for you... he went and made more excuses. I was really insulted and wasn’t wearing the ring. Told him to take his clothes home from my place.. the entire day he was bawling so bad that I’ve never witnessed a man lose emotional control that way. He started crying in the restaurant we were at first. He even took off in his truck and left me when he was upset. I had to ask him to drive back. I still tried to talk it out. Even after he took the clothes I knew I didn’t want it not to work out so I sat in his truck and told him to come back inside. He refused. I said this whole thing can blow down if you text her now to tell her you got engaged. He was assertive that he was not texting her. He said she has no reception! (Lie), “she will have 1001 questions”... I left at that point because I was beyond insulted. I don’t think he cheated but I can’t deny there was either likely some history with her or that he chose not to tell her because he has clearly got a soft spot for her. I creeped her on fb. She’s no damsel in distress. His brothers wife said this girl was nothing but trouble and she didn’t trust her. I explained what happened and she Said it sounded like b.s. his brother called me that night and said my judgment of the girl was not wrong but that the whole family knew her. He admitted that his brother likely didn’t tell her he’s engaged and that we would sort this out calmly. I agreed. His brother didn’t know of the miscarriage but was understanding. A few days pass. I get ghosted. He said he’s busy at work. I go to his house. He doesn’t come home. He said he’s too shook up over the breakup. I reply that it’s not a breakup and I stick to my reason for arguing. I see him day 5 post fight and he doesn’t expect me at his house (40 mind away). He has a complete meltdown. Like a panic attack x 2! A mental breakdown. Stuttering a mile a min. I’m freaking out because I’ve never seen this side of him. He literally won’t let me hug him. Says he doesn’t want to give me false hope. Compares me to some ex. Says he can’t handle a relationship but can do friendship but he’s not there yet. I’m flabbergasted! How does someone turn off feelings overnight like a flip of a switch? I still think once he cools down he will realize it for what it is... maybe miscarriage affected him too. Maybe he wanted space. I don’t know....
I NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN! He sends angry sporadic texts to me at 2 am or 5 am on diffeeent days blaming me for a “crippling breakup.” I still don’t understand what’s going on in his head! I said I was sorry at his house and that I loved him days after once I cooked down. That was our first fight. This man was the father of my unborn child! Marriage means through hard times too and this was just a fight. His texts were mean, cold and extremely hurtful. He added “what don’t you get? I’m not giving you another chance”... what did I do to deserve that?? He should be apologizing for his mistake (at his house he recognized that he made a mistake but he was pushing me away). I grieve the loss of a baby and a fiancé at the same time. Someone took a rug out beneath my feet and I lose all balance and feel shattered. I’m struggling to get back to work or make sense of this. The day I argued he said he loved me and still wanted to marry me. Day 4 after he’s switched off all feelings? He left my rings in the mailbox for me and was such a coward that he couldn’t confront me at all. I paid for the rings because he conveniently forgot his wallet the day we intentionally set out to get the rings (yes, another big red flag but I was pregnant at the time and didn’t know what to say as I’m already overwhelmed with enough on my mind). A month after I’m devastated slowly realizing he won’t even see me to talk to me, I learn that he’s on Tinder. Two months later, I’m still hurting from it all. Trying to comprehend what was he about? Was it all lies? Was he scared? Was it commit phobia? Was it the miscarriage? ... all I know is that no man should treat any woman this way. I went above and beyond for this man. Made him many hot meals. Packed his lunch, spent money, introduced him to my world and let him into my parents house (he even had a house key to my parents house). We all trusted him. He gave me no respect. No one should experience anything like this. It is debilitating. He has me blocked off his phone and how he can put that behind him when he spent many hours with me during the week is a mystery. Who functions like that? Dodged a bullet for sure. He would have left after the baby was born if not before anyway. Not a good soul.