he left me 10 days after miscarriage

[GalwayGal123]

Has anyone's relationship broken down after a miscarriage?
I miscarried an unplanned baby last week at 6wks...I wanted the baby, my boyfriend didn't. We have been together less than a year, don't live together. We are in our 30's and our relationship was a bit rocky before this, but still very much a lot of love there.
I feel like I need him more than ever and feel so vulnerable, I have been up and down in my temperament and emotions over the past few weeks since I found out I was pregnant and subsequently miscarried, but I feel like I don't deserve to be left because of it.

Across, I'm glad he is away for a week now because to be honest, I would have seen him already. When he comes back he starts his new job, and so the opportunity to see him will be less initially anyway.
Time apart from him makes me feel anxious to be honest.

You had a relationship where he needed you, and you looked after him.

Then you needed him, and he dumped you and went on holiday, leaving you on your own to deal with that and the MC.

Now youve had a week to get back on your feet a little bit, he is texting you again that "he doesn't want to be without you", that he needs you.

See the pattern? He is only in when he can be the needy one and you can be the rock. What happens if you get ill? Or have some other life crisis? Do you think youll be able to rely on him to support you?

Time apart also means no contact.

Time apart shouldn't make you anxious. DH and I have been married the better part of 30 years and I've never felt anxious when he's away. Sure, I missed him, but I wasn't anxious or nervous about him being gone.

Can you pinpoint what the anxiety is about?

when you look at his -actions- instead of his words, he's not what you think he is.

I don't feel anxious in general, if I'm not with him for any reason. But I feel anxious about no seeing him now, because I guess I just feel needy and vulnerable. That is how I have felt since being pregnant/miscarrying/during this situation with him...not how I feel generally if that makes sense.
I wonder how much of it might be hormonal, I'm not usually insecure and needy but that is how I feel right now.

I know, I wish his actions met up with his words.

And I do wonder about how he would react if there were to be another situation where I needed him...would I still be on my own then, with him making all the right moves afterwards about how sorry he is but he'll be there for me now? Does he just not cope well in stressful situations? To be honest, I don't cope well.

I can understand your feelings, given what happened. But I think it's very, very important for you to know that you have the strength within you to deal with it. Other people can add comfort for our spirit in times of pain, but it is our own strength that sees us through. And those that truly want the best for us know that and encourage us and comfort us. So, focus on yourself and the knowledge that you can overcome your sorrow and carry on. And turn to those around you who 'have your back'. He doesn't.

As far as how he may react in the future when you need his support, there's a saying that 'the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour'.

I don't think he's the man for you.

Sorry

He's probably making you feel more nervous on top of everything, by ensuring you are on shaky ground all the time.

But I'm guessing he has really got a hold of you, to be able to upset you so easily?

Owl, He really has got a hold on me, and it's crazy that one person can affect me and my emotions so much.
Before this man I was so much stronger in relationships, but I think because I never truly fell in love before.

'the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour'...this is so wise and so true, thank you Across.

I know I'm not weak, I will find strength somewhere.

If you examine your feelings truly, do you think you do care more about this person? Or is it the emotional confusion causing more investment in the outcome?

Anyone can mess with your emotions if you like them and trust them. If you rely on someone emotionally and they suddenly stop that, you will feel sick and unhappy.

Honestly, darling. If you have more to give, you probably will give it to this person. But if he has acted like this before, he will do it again. Anyone who can walk away and leave you to hurt this much is cold inside. He'll do it again and it will hurt even worse.

Trust me on that.

Hello. I have been so in love with someone (who initially was with someone else with kids too) and I seriously went through hell for 5 years, no trust, lies etc but I loved him so much that I waited for him and now we are living together, he is divorced, we have the kids every other weekend and I am expecting a baby in March, we are so very happy. This man really really hurt me and broke my heart. But I look back now and see why he did what he did. I am not condoning your guys behaviour or saying things will work out or that you should stick with him even but I am saying only you know what your relationship is actually like and that sometimes things are not always as simple as we think. Sending hugs to you and I am so so sorry about your little one xxxxxx

it might help if you write down what he's -done-

• started going out with you when he was living with someone else (ie, a Cheat).

• come on strong saying how he'd never loved like this before "He has told me over and over that he's never been in love before me and he's always loved me since we first met a few years ago. "

• taken from you - you are the one who supports him, not the other way around

• self involved. If he's self involved at the 7 months stage, he's probably going to be hell at the 15 years stage.

-provides non. when the shit hit the fan, he was not there for you

• told you it was over and happily went on holiday

• deleted your number

• then started telling you he loves you and misses you.

Classic pull - push thing to entrap your emotions. The 'telling you he will always love you" is immature and actually cruel after he walked away from you a few days after a MC. Mean as heck, actually. Way to go to make it sting more.

He's pressing all your buttons. Which are particularly hormonal and loss-sensitive right now. When you look at the pattern of his behaviour .... this is not a decent man.

I'd be very suspicious of someone who chases you when he's in a relationship, then takes so much emotionally from you and dumps you at the worst time. Words really are cheap, it's actions that count.

provides non.

er, provides no support

His comment on babies would worry me 'he hasn't ruled out future babies' - that's as vague and non committal as it could be. You say you're in your 30's, I really would be aware of your fertility and the difficulties you may have ttc in however many years time he decides it takes for him to be ready- not that he should be ready after seven months obviously that's too soon but it just sounds awfully like he doesn't actually think you two are heading that way at all.

Don't waste too much time on a self involved immature and cruel person.

Thank you for all the replies...I am really taking everything in and evaluating everything. I have read and re read this entire thread and all the comments, and I'm trying to process it all and figure out the best course of action. I know what you're all saying is true. I've had some great advice and I value it so much, thank you.

best of luck galway.

He's a shit and has treated you appaulingly in your hour of need. Infact, asking you to terminate was nasty. Making himself single before a holiday is nasty. Moving from one woman to the next, telling each one he has never really loved anyone before....that bit is true, but love does not abandon, destroy and hurt. Make this your chance to escape and have the real love you deserve.

Thank you X

What are you thinking of doing, Galway?

Here for you either way, if you need to talk. No judgement!

Yuuup. As pp said, a fucking shitbag.

Op this sucks to high heaven but you have won a watch with this. You deserve so much better than this.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Been there a few times too many and you need support, not someone who fucks off at the first sign of trouble.

Look after yourself. Big hugs xxx

"You cannot fight for what you really didn't have in the first place." Some wise words right there.

I think if kids aren't on his radar for the next few years, it's been tempestuous to-date and you've only been together a relatively short time he did the right thing leaving the first time. If you realise you don't want to be with someone there's no "good" time to do it. He could've stuck around and put on a front (which is very difficult to do successfully), yes, but when 'could' he have ended it? A month later? Three months? When you bring up trying again? You've said that the mc brought your desire to become a mother to the fore; he's likely picked up on or anticipated that, and it's probably had the exact opposite effect on him. You want different things and that's a completely reasonable thing to end a relationship over.

BUT - the way he's playing you is horrific. He made his choice, he can't be a prick about it and saunter back into your life because he's realised he doesn't have anyone to watch box sets with. He's being weak; he hasn't gone through the physical and emotional distress that you have over the past few weeks and yet he's the one crawling back into an easy relationship which isn't right for either of you.

He's saying everything you want to hear right now and it would be so easy to simply fall back into his arms. But it would be like falling asleep when you've got hypothermia, or Jack letting go of the fucking door in Titanic. You're craving affection and reassurance and comfort and for the first few weeks he will give you that. But will he give you what you want long-term? He could keep you dangling for years until your chance to have a family is long gone. Think critically and think selfishly.

(Oh and you can turn off 'last seen' in settings)

Thank you so much thecraic and troopers, you are right.
And Owl, my thoughts are all over the place.

Because he is saying all the right things right now and explaining to me why he felt the way he did and reacted the way he did...ahh but I'm also so angry at him for leaving me regardless of how he felt...and then I feel selfish for being like that because he's only human and I've been all over the place, so why can't he. I've gotten upset and angry, and when I tell him how I feel, he responds with how he feels and I just want to say 'shut up and listen to me right now'. But then he is also trying really hard to do that and just listen to me even though he's hurt too.

It's just a mess really, and just when I think I'm getting somewhere or finding some strength or some resolve, I doubt myself all over again.

I also still feel hormonal and emotional about the miscarriage, so I'm trying to deal with a double heartbreak and I just don't know how I'll get there.

You know I feel like I can't do this alone, and so if what he's saying is true and he's sorry and he'll be there and he's sorry he fucked up but he knows it and he's going to put all he's got into making it better...then if that's true, that's exactly what I need right now.