he left me 10 days after miscarriage

[GalwayGal123]

Has anyone's relationship broken down after a miscarriage?
I miscarried an unplanned baby last week at 6wks...I wanted the baby, my boyfriend didn't. We have been together less than a year, don't live together. We are in our 30's and our relationship was a bit rocky before this, but still very much a lot of love there.
I feel like I need him more than ever and feel so vulnerable, I have been up and down in my temperament and emotions over the past few weeks since I found out I was pregnant and subsequently miscarried, but I feel like I don't deserve to be left because of it.

I was going to mention getting some exercise, but I wasn't sure if it was something you were into. Take it easy, though. The worst thing is to set yourself targets that are too high.

I've been hurt before too, but somehow the most recent time always feels like it's the worst and it's the most awful thing that has ever happened. But probably memory fades over time and you forget what feeling truly bereft is like.

What is your concentration like? Could you read a book or watch a film? Or could you afford a treat for yourself from the shop? And are you eating right? Have you got food in for dinner?

I think you need to acknowledge that you're grieving a double loss. The loss of a child and the loss of a dream. It's OK to cry and grieve. But also realize that, whilst the child you lost was real, the dream you had for your future never was. The fact that he never responded to your text is proof.

It doesn't help at all if the weather is shit. Do you have any closets that need cleaning out? Housework you've been putting off? Spots on the carpet you've been meaning to tackle? I remember washing every (already clean) dish in the cupboard, by hand, just to keep occupied. Do you do needlework? What you're looking for are tasks that require concentration and show a 'result'. As 'old fashioned' as needlework sounds, having to count stitches and/or follow a pattern can really keep your mind occupied.

Make a 'gesture' to show that he no longer has a place in your life. It may sound silly, but one of the things I did to create a 'before and after' in my head was to go out and buy new sheets, blankets, and coverlet for my bed. Bought one new pillow, too. Put them all on my bed and told myself "This is MY bed now. There is no memory of him sleeping in this bed. His head has never been on that pillow". If you can't do that, rearrange the furniture.

But don't be afraid to cry. If you start tell yourself that you can cry for a set time (10 minutes is good) but that at the end of it you'll wipe your tears and do something else. Then set a timer. Pretty soon you'll find you don't need one.

As with anything in life, this is just something you'll have to work through and get over. But you will get over it.

I think him not replying is a good thing. It would be worse if he sent you texts to keep you hanging on and thinking of him even if he no longer wants to go out with you.
I think once a relationship is over it's over and no contact is best. You can end up friends years later but not straight after. That is why relationships that end when there are children involved are so fraught, you have to be civil to someone you'd be better off not seeing for a few months.

My mum came over this afternoon with food my sister sent over and a film, so I had a sob and a chat then we sat on the sofa and watched a film under blankets.

He still hasn't responded to my text and I know that he won't either. It's so painful having someone you love ignore you that way, but he's showing me who he really is and what he really thinks of me. Ouch.

The idea of a gesture to show he's no longer in my life is good..,I had a jumper of his and last night I had a real urge to cuddle in to it and sob but then I remembered he wore it home the other week as he didn't have a clean one...which is good because I'd probably be wearing it and crying for the next week like a crazy lady. I have nothing here of his except a toothbrush, which I may or may not use to clean the loo, depending how I feel later. He always slept on a particular pillow so I may bin it and buy a new one like you said Across.

I don't want to rush my recovery of these events because I know it's healthy to work through things properly in order to get over them, but I hate feeling this way and I don't want to feel so sad.

I know what you're saying 2Rebecca...but just a message to say that he's firm in his decision would be nice. He literally left my house on Friday evening after only being here 30mins and knowing he was off on holiday the next morning, saying he didn't want to be with me anymore and telling me he didn't know if he loved me anymore for the first time ever. It really hurts, even if technically he's doing the right thing.

Ooh, I love the idea of using his toothbrush to clean the loo! I suggest waiting until you have a magnificent poo that leaves the loo needing a good scrub! I'd suggest posting the toothbrush to him afterwards, but you don't really want to make any type of contact with him. So just imagine you did. And imagine he used it.

but just a message to say that he's firm in his decision would be nice. He literally left my house on Friday evening……..saying he didn't want to be with me anymore

I'd say that's a pretty clear message. If he wasn't sure, he'd have said he needed time or that he wasn't sure. He didn't. He said he was done. What you're wanting is to know if he's having second thoughts. If he was, he'd reply to your text or call to say sorry. He hasn't. You have to accept that sometimes someone's not answering IS their answer.

Remember that there is a fine line between 'working through' and 'wallowing'. Sometimes it's hard to see it, but it's there. Listen to those who care about you if they start to urge you to move forward.

Yeah I'm imagining using his toothbrush, and imagining him using it...it's giving me slight satisfaction to think about it!

You're right, it was a very clear message. I just don't want to believe it and so I'm looking for a way that excuses it and wanting to know if he's having second thoughts like you said... I know I have to accept what is real, but I really really don't want to.

Im going to allow myself time to cry like you suggested...that's a good idea, 10 mins to let it out and then pull myself together and focus on something else. I don't want to wallow in self pity, but right now I also don't fully want to accept that my whole world has been turned around and chewed up and spat back out at me over the past few weeks...I feel like I've been on an emotional rollercoaster and I wish it was me on holiday and not him.

Posting here really helps, thank you so much for replying to me Xx

It's a very cruel way of breaking up with you. It leaves you to fill in a lot of the blanks yourself, which makes you question yourself a lot.

But maybe you are not in the best position to examine it objectively, so try not to read anything in to it right now. As much as possible, tell yourself that you don't have the answers and think about something else. Otherwise, you might become consumed with thoughts on the subject.

We're all here for you today as well.

Thank you so much Owl.

He did text me last night, at 11pm. But it wasn't a message with any answers or directness...he just said he was sad things were this way, he never imagined it would be like this, his heart hurts and he misses me and will always love me. I text back that I haven't given up on us yet, and he text me back 'I miss you, goodnight x'...so I'm still none the wiser. I text him this morning asking 'have you given up on us?' And for him to please give me a direct answer because to contact me but still leave me in a place where I don't know whether there's something there, or whether I should just move on is horrible.

And I don't even know how to feel...should I just be angry that he's dicking me around? He knows exactly what I want, a yes or no answer, and he's being intentionally indirect. Or should I be compassionate because he is also having a hard time, maybe he's not sure, maybe he needs something from me?

Should I hold on or let go?

Really sorry you are going through this..

I think the fact he's replied but not given you an answer is unfair. I would try my hardest to go no contact as its only going to play on your mind if you text him and spend an agonising time waiting for a reply: I would delete any way of contacting him and distract yourself as much as possible.

Really hope you feel better soon.

He replied again.

He said he can't give up on me and he loves me and he doesn't want to be without me.

But he left you when you needed him most, dont you think that you deserve better than someone who will treat you like that?

Sorry, trying to be gentle, but if you take the miscarriage out of the equation you get a bloke going on holiday without you, dumping you the day before he goes so that any sex he gets while away can be excused as 'we were on a break' if he is found out.

Not only that, but he is keeping you dangling and perhaps you will be so grateful that he came back that you won't be too demanding when he gets back and he doesn't have to work hard to look after you.

It also means that if you do get back together that you will never feel comfortable asking him to be there for you in case he walks out again.

I hope this is helpful. Whatever happens, I think you know that you can't rely on him.

I'd be getting angry now and tell him to please be clear in his communications. Either he thinks the relationship is over and he doesn't want to be your boyfriend in which case it's best if you don't communicate at all for a few months or he wants to get back together again.
It sounds as though he's keeping you dangling whilst waiting for someone else to come along.
I think you contacting him at all was a mistake. If he wants you back let him do the chasing and make it clear he wants you back. Stop texting him.
If he changes his mind he knows where you are and can come and beg for your forgiveness

My honest reaction is that you just need to tell him 'no'. If he couldn't be there to support you at your lowest hour then he doesn't deserve you.

At the very least, I think you need to tell him that you both need time to recover from what was a very stressful situation. I'd tell him that you think the two of you should put this on a back burner for at least 6 weeks. No contact during that time so both of you can get your heads on straight.

You really need to think about how he reacted. Not that he didn't want a baby, he's entitled to that. He was even entitled to bow out of the situation. But he didn't sit down and talk to you kindly to end the relationship because he wasn't ready. Instead he demanded you abort, tried to emotionally blackmail you into it, and then stormed out and blanked you. That's not the way someone who cares about another person acts.

You need to realize that if that is the way he handles problems, you are better off without him.

This:
'You need to realize that if that is the way he handles problems, you are better off without him.'**
**
This is true and what I've been thinking today. I love this man and so much is right and good in our relationship, but this has been the biggest test for us...I don't know what it means and how to make sense of it. I keep making excuses for him in my head, like he's been through a lot too, I've been unusually demanding, it's been heart rending for him too...I don't know whether to be sympathetic.

I did need him and still do, but maybe he needs me too.

You are worth so much more than this.

Do you think you have hit rock bottom with this?

No, you don't need to be 'sympathetic'. You need to think only of yourself in this situation. This is your life, your future. Don't allow misplaced 'sympathy' for him to cloud the issue. And he needs to be thinking the same exact way.

I learnt that as the song says 'sometimes love just ain't enough'. You can love someone, but that doesn't mean that they are right for you. It doesn't make them a bad person, just the wrong one.

At the moment he's telling me everything I want to hear. It's so tough.

I think at the very least we need time apart to really evaluate what we want and need in our lives and from each other.

If I could only think with my head and not my heart, my life would be so different...but I can't do that.

Thank you so much for your replies, because it helps so much Xx

Have you heard the fruit machine theory of relationships?

To summarise, it's where you have a relationship that is like gambling on a fruit machine. You play and play and play. And lose and lose and lose. Suddenly, just as you are about to give up - you win! The machine pays out!

So you don't give up. You put more and more money into the machine, because you can't resist the possibility of that exciting reward.

But you don't see that you are losing more money than you are gaining. And that the prizes are given selectively and arbitrarily. You can pump your whole life into something that isn't even that rewarding, just because it is addictive.

Hi OP, I've thought about posting when I've seen your thread but was worried I was projecting. But here goes anyway...

I'm married and DH offered little support and went off on a fun weekend just after i miscarried leaving me looking after a toddler and feeling like a wreck. I really needed him. (He didn't end the relationship or anything, I'm sorry that happened to you, that's shit.)

He came back and said all the right things, he really was sorry etc. He didnt understand my feelings, he didn't know how to help. I wasnt communicating with him. He didn't have a great time away. All true. But do you know, I think he knew it was wrong to go but simply didn't want to miss the fun weekend that had been planned to be at home trying to cope with misery.

Our relationship was struggling a bit and when I miscarried I think I felt, oh, something big and real has happened, this will pull us together as he must feel sad for me.

I don't know how much is relevant but i suspect a fair bit is. I feel your partner has let you down badly.

I also think you might have more difficult feelings to come - not all of them necessarily rational. I know personally that miscarriage can intensify the desire to be pregnant again. Some posters on the miscarriage board talk about struggling with due dates etc. Will your relationship cope? Or would you have to pretend you arent feeling those things?

Sorry for long post. I hope you are looking after yourself and I'm sorry for your loss.

I agree. You both need time apart. This has been a massive, massive incident and you both need to think hard about it.

If you can't handle 6 weeks, tell him that you need 3.

Owl I see what you're saying and I hear you. I've never heard that analogy before but it's a good one, and I can definitely relate right now.

Socksandshoes.

Thank you for sharing that with me. I feel like it's really relevant what you have said, and I do feel let down by him. When I was talking to him last night he said that he feels let down by me too, because I was going to continue on with a pregnancy he didn't want that would have altered our relationship forever. I have also said some mean irrational things while upset, which I did apologise for at the time but that were in the vein of me and the baby not needing him anyway etc.
The past few weeks have been so fraught with emotion for both of us, that much is true.
Being pregnant and having a miscarriage has definitely sparked off a desire to be pregnant again, but this is something I would only consider and plan with him too...he said he hadn't ruled out future babies, just not now...I don't know how our relationship will cope from now on, or whether we will ever reach that point.
All I know is that however pathetic it seems, I want to work things out with this man...and from what he's said over the past 24 hours, he wants the same. It's just figuring out whether his actions previously mean I should give up or try with him.