he left me 10 days after miscarriage

[GalwayGal123]

Has anyone's relationship broken down after a miscarriage?
I miscarried an unplanned baby last week at 6wks...I wanted the baby, my boyfriend didn't. We have been together less than a year, don't live together. We are in our 30's and our relationship was a bit rocky before this, but still very much a lot of love there.
I feel like I need him more than ever and feel so vulnerable, I have been up and down in my temperament and emotions over the past few weeks since I found out I was pregnant and subsequently miscarried, but I feel like I don't deserve to be left because of it.

AcrossThePond thank you for your response...but what do you mean? What makes you think I became more involved and much quicker than he did?
If anything I would say the opposite is true of our relationship, he has often been intense and needy and dramatic...

Bogeyface thank you...you're right, I do need to feel pain to work through it and come out the other side healthier. X

I don't think he has behaved badly. If he no longer wants to be with the OP how long do people feel he is obliged to hang around pretending for after a miscarriage?
It sounds as though he didn't want a baby and is maybe relieved he isn't going to be a father anyway. I doubt the miscarriage is the cause of him leaving as he didn't want a child. It's not a reason to stay with someone you aren't married to and don't live with either.
It's sad for the OP that the man she loves no longer wants to be with her but if a woman wanted to leave her boyfriend she didn't live with 10 days after a miscarriage we wouldn't be calling her names.

Well to start with he was involved with someone else when you met. I know the relationship was supposedly on the skids, but he was still in the relationship. And this was just last June, basically 6 months before you became pregnant. I don't know when between your thread in June and your thread in December that he actually left this other girl and became 'exclusive' with you. You weren't living together and in fact he was planning on moving farther away from you for work. To me, this isn't indicative of someone deeply invested in a relationship. He flatly told you he wanted you to terminate. That's also not indicative of someone who is deeply invested in a relationship. Someone who loves someone deeply sticks around, even through an unwanted (by him) pregnancy. Or if they do feel they can't really handle the idea of a child, they at least respect the decision made by the woman to keep the child. He didn't respect your idea.

Being needy, intense, and dramatic isn't necessarily the same as being deeply involved. I'd say it was the opposite. It speaks to me of someone who is rather self-involved.

I think, cruel as it sounds, he feels as if he's had a lucky escape (I think you've had one, too). He got into one relationship in which he ended up with a child, and then found he'd done the same thing again with you. I think he knows he isn't ready for another child. I don't necessarily think that makes him a horrible person. It makes him unkind and immature in the way he handled it, sure. But I think you need to be realistic. If he loved you as much as you think he did, he would have handled things differently.

Thank you AcrossThePond.
I can see what you are saying, but from my point of view it feels different...

You're right, he was involved with someone else and shortly after I wrote that thread, he left and became exclusive with me. I know that's still only 7 months ago.

We weren't living together because it has only been 7 months since he moved out of the home he shared with someone else and we didn't want to rush our relationship. He was planning on moving further away, but not much further, for better work so that we have a better chance of a future together because he is currently out of work, and the job opportunity is a very good one.

Getting pregnant was completely unplanned and I was on the same page as him regarding timings and reasons not to etc, but couldn't face the idea of abortion and wanted my baby once I knew it was growing inside of me. Had I not fallen pregnant, I would not have planned to have a baby and he knows this. He wanted me to terminate because he wasn't ready, but the day before I miscarried he told me he would stand by me and he loved me and couldn't leave me.

I would agree that he is self involved. I hope he doesn't feel like he's had a lucky escape, that makes me feel awful. I wasn't trying to trap him with a baby, and even though I am devastated after my miscarriage and it's sparked a maternal want in me for a baby, I have still told him I only want one when we are ready and if we both want one. He has said he hasn't ruled out having a baby, but he just doesn't want one right now. He wanted us to plan one in the future and both want it.

I only believe he loved me that much because that is what he told me. He has told me over and over that he's never been in love before me and he's always loved me since we first met a few years ago.

I understand what you are saying since I read all of that back...there is more to this than just the pregnancy/miscarriage. I don't know whether to fight for this man or let him leave me...

I think you need to walk in the other direction with your head held high. You have more self esteem than to waste yourself on a man who is capable of doing something like this. If you were to end up back together, do you really think you could ever fully trust a man who, days after you miscarry, breaks up with you and goes off on holiday?

You will get through this

Honestly, if you'd been married to him (or partners) for years and years my advice might be different. Well, no, on second thought it wouldn't.

Let him go. Really, let him go. You cannot fight for what you really didn't have in the first place. I'm sorry to sound so heartless. But you are no longer pregnant and he still doesn't want to be with you. If he wanted to be with you and just didn't want a child, don't you think he'd be with you now that there is no child in the equation? Of course he would. But he isn't, is he?

The best thing you can do right now is back away, don't contact him. Concentrate on yourself, healing (mentally and physically), and getting back to your own life. Concentrate on yourself and YOUR future. Build a life for yourself and if he happens to wander back into it, fine. But I have a feeling that if you truly think about yourself and what you want for your future, you'll find that you don't want him. You want someone you can respect, who will respect you back. Someone who will be a true partner and will want the same life you do.

As far as him saying he loved you goes, a wise woman told me once that 'Men use love to get sex. Women use sex to get love. Both get disappointed'. Don't think I don't know what it's like to have your heart broken by someone who supposedly loves you. I do. Boy, do I know the pain. But I also know the eventual truth that I dodged a bullet. You'll get there.

He didn't leave because of the miscarriage he felt compelled to stay because of the pregnancy.

If the pregnancy had gone well he'd have found another reason to leave sometime later and probably made your life miserable beforehand.

It will be harder than it could be right now but in the long run it is better to know now so you can find someone who really cares for you.

Thanks for all the replies, and thank you again Across...it hurts to read it but what you're saying is true.
With the miscarriage, I am grieving what could have been...a baby that I'll never meet, scan dates I'll never attend, cuddles and first steps I'll never see...and I feel like I'm doing the same with him now, grieving what I won't get to have.

Galway, miscarriage is extremely painful.

It is also very common I'm afraid. I've had two, most of my friends have had at least one and everyone on this thread will have been affected directly or indirectly.

It is a very sad, empty feeling, the loss of what could have been.

Allow yourself to grieve as others have said.

But know that this relationship would NOT have worked and actually however twatty this guy is, he's done the right thing for you and for him.

You WILL meet someone right for you, you WILL have a baby and you WILL look back at this as a very sad time but you will see it was actually for the best though that might sound cruel now.

I felt ridiculously low last night and sent him a text.

I said that i miss him and want to be with him, but will respect his decision not to be with me, however much it hurts, if he's sure he doesn't want a future with me...even if we take time apart or whatever in the meantime.

He read it and didn't reply which I guess is my answer.

It was a bit silly to text him wanting a reaction, but we have all done it. I have done the same before. It's hard to accept, but he isn't worth your time.

I bet there are other people you can text who do care about you. Everyone on this thread cares about you.

Don't waste more of your energy on this idiot.

Thank you Owl.

I know it was a stupid thing to do. The good thing is that he is physically away for a week, so no chance at all of seeing him. I hope I feel differently by the end of the week as it will be the longest time we have spent apart.

You might not feel differently in a week. Don't pressure yourself to feel better within a certain amount of time.

Honestly, I have done the same thing myself, but some people are not worth exhausting yourself trying to give chances to. Don't give him another opportunity to let you down.

Thank you, that is good advice not to pressure myself to feel better.
I don't actually have that many people I can talk to about this in RL. I have my mum and one good friend, but there's only so much they can listen too and have been listening to over the past few weeks since I found out I was pregnant and then everything unfolded this way.

You can talk to us here about how you are feeling. Sometimes, it's easier to talk anonymously anyway.

Lots of us have been where you are.

My advice is don't plan out the future today. But think about only today and how you can get through it.

Thank you so much Owl.

I feel so low because I really believed this man when he said he adored me, he's treated me like I'm precious and special and I fell so in love with him, and loved him hard right back. I'm in my 30's and have loved and lost before, but everything with this man felt and still feels so different.
I thought we'd get through anything because we are best friends and all that romantic bullshit. But now it's just crushed and I'm left feeling stupid.

ThrowingShade, I have just spotted your message.

I'm sorry for your miscarriages, and for your friends too. I actually don't know anyone in real life who has had one, although the nurses last week told me how common it is. I was shocked to find out its 1 in 4 pregnancies, which is sad but in a weird way is a comfort to know it's not just me and something wrong with me.

That's actually his name that you've typed there in capitals, which is almost comical. But thank you, I know you're right and at some point I will have to feel better.

I know exactly what you mean. I'm in my thirties too and you feel like all the heartbreak is behind you and then it happens and it is just as bad as when you are a teenager. Or worse, because you aren't used to it.

And I bet your hormones are making you feel even worse too. Can totally understand why you feel crushed.

It's only natural that you feel stupid because you are trying to blame yourself. It's easier to do that, because it feels like you might be in control of the situation, even if it means you have made it worse. But that's grief thinking. You aren't stupid. You aren't to blame.

Yes, I really did think heartbreak was behind me and you're right, I feel like a teenager! Except it hurts more because of the depth of feelings.

I think my hormones have definitely had a play in making me feel worse...they must have been up and down so much over the past couple of months...I can be emotional anyway, so I'm sure biologically this hasn't helped.

Thank you for your kind words, they are really helping

It's OK, Galway. Like I said, I am talking from experience of a similar situation with the ex. I had someone that let me down at a very bad and emotional time for me. I have also lost a baby, a very long time ago. I can appreciate that you must be feeling horrible. So can lots of us. None of us are immune to heartbreak and sadness.

I am guessing you will find that he wasn't such a great guy, once you stop making excuses for his behaviour. I haven't read your previous threads that someone referred to, but people like him tend to have a history of little let downs or things that didn't seem right, but you let them go?

I'm sorry for your loss too Owl. And your similar situation with an ex...what did you find helped you get through it?

I'm already finding he wasn't such a great guy, just the fact that he knows how I feel and he won't even respond to my text lets me know he's not worth my tears. He could at least text me back but instead I can see he's deleted my phone number because he did it before and it means his 'last seen ' stamp on whatsapp doesn't show anymore because I'm not in his contacts.

Half of me thinks he's a shit and I should use this to get over him and tell myself it wouldn't have worked, but the other half of me is just so hurt and shocked by his behaviour and it's giving my self-esteem a battering.

It's OK, Galway. Like I said, I am talking from experience of a similar situation with the ex. I had someone that let me down at a very bad and emotional time for me. I have also lost a baby, a very long time ago. I can appreciate that you must be feeling horrible. So can lots of us. None of us are immune to heartbreak and sadness.

I am guessing you will find that he wasn't such a great guy, once you stop making excuses for his behaviour. I haven't read your previous threads that someone referred to, but people like him tend to have a history of little let downs or things that didn't seem right, but you let them go?

I didn't mean to post your reply in with my message too, sorry.

Well, the circumstances were different, but I had the same thing happen to me where he ignored all messages from me. It was incredibly difficult because it made me feel like I had disappeared because he wasn't acknowledging my existence, if that makes sense?

Eventually, I stopped trying because I realised I felt better not trying to get a response. But I was hysterical over it for a while, I'll be truthful. It was so hurtful to be blanked by someone who was supposed to care about me.

I got through to now because time passed. That is the fortunate thing about time. You don't have to do a thing and it will carry you to another day and another.

I found it helped to have lots of things to do. A book to read, a film or series to watch, a cupboard to rearrange, taking a shower, walking to the shop to fetch something, reading MN, going for a drive round the ring road. Anything to pass the time.

Thank you for sharing that with me Owl. That's so true what you say about time. I've been hurt before and the only thing that has helped has been the natural passing of time, and knowing you're still making it from one day to the next.

I do need to find things to do to pass that time, and busy myself a bit. I'll be starting back at the gym tomoro because I feel physically better after my MC, and so that's a start.

The weather is grim outside but I need to find something to do that gets me out today because I'm currently at home alone and that's the worst.