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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My DP has told me he cheated on his EX

61 replies

WhatToDoWhatToThink · 13/01/2016 09:18

I've named changed for this, I'm a regular poster and lurker and my DP knows my normal username. I've changed some details slightly to not out me

A few days ago me and my DP of a few years (we live together) were talking about the past and he admitted he cheated on his EX numerous times throughout there long term relationship, before they had there DC and after. This shocked me, I knew he had a bad relationship but didn't think he was like this. He isn't bothered and said the relationship was miserable neither of them were happy they argued all the time ect ect so he cheated she never knew so weren't hurt even though he knows it was wrong to do but he doesn't regret it or feel bad.

How can he not feel bad? It's changed what I think of him. He's told me he's a different person now we have a different relationship and he would never do that to me but I don't think I believe him.

OP posts:

Figwin · 13/01/2016 09:22

It's odd that he doesn't feel bad unless she was awful to him. Manipulative/abusive etc. that's the only reason I can really think of that I would think that it was ok to not feel bad or guilty about cheating on someone.

It still doesn't mean he will cheat on you, if that's a concern. It sounds like a very different scenario but yeah, hard not to feel differently about him.

DangerMouth · 13/01/2016 09:22

No l don't think l would believe him either sorry. He wouldn't cheat on you until you hit a rocky patch And let's face it, even the strongest relationships are tested when dc arrive.

Not sure what I would do but it would make me suspicious of him.

Strangeoccurence · 13/01/2016 09:27

Why would you tell your current girlfriend that?
Unless he is manipulative and is making you wary. You know how some tell you their ex said/did something and it makes you think not to do it. (I hope that makes sense)

I would find myself having slight trust issues after hearing that.

Strangeoccurence · 13/01/2016 09:28

Everytime you have a bad patch, and the majority of couples do - this is going to be there. Well it would for me...which is what my point is above, only it may have actually been said without that intention

Arfarfanarf · 13/01/2016 09:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Figwin · 13/01/2016 09:35

Like Strange said. It could be for manipulative reasons or it could just be that he trusts you and feels he can I
Open up to you. But it would def be lurking in the back of my mind somewhere if their relationship wasn't her bullying, abusing, manipulating him. I would feel concerned if we had a big row.

But then when you are in a relationship that you think will be it then you are more open and you know the best and worst of someone. You know what both relationships were/are like to a degree so you can judge better than use if it's for manipulation or openness

hellsbellsmelons · 13/01/2016 09:38

I would say if he admitted to a one off then not so bad.
But to serial cheat! I don't think this sort of person changes.
He thinks it was 'OK' because she didn't know.
What she doesn't know won't hurt her!? He's done it loads in the past and got away with it so why won't he do it again?
I'd be seriously worried about this revelation, exactly as you are!

Leviticus · 13/01/2016 09:45

I've cheated on everyone I've ever been out with to some degree.

Except DH - and we've been together for 8 years. I am confident I'd never cheat on him, it's just a totally different game to previous relationships.

GutInstinct · 13/01/2016 10:14

I would be questioning why he was telling you this now. Especially if it was his most recent ex.

Most people have a past, and while on the whole the past is just that, there are certain things which would influence someone's decision to continue a relationship in the earlier stages.

Also it possibly depends on context. So e.g. If someone cheated on their gf while they were teenagers that would be a different thing to if they had cheated on their most recent partner. The one I might not consider telling, but the other I would think should be relevant.

I cheated on my ex. It is without doubt one of the most regrettable things I have ever done and I can hand on heart say I would never do it again. But in that instance I was in an emotionally abusive relationship which I had tried to leave a number of times, but every time there seemed reasons not to. And every time he isolated me a bit more, from friends, family, going back to work, and meeting someone else gave me the final wake up call that I couldn't continue like that. I didn't leave for the OM fwiw.

But the most important thing is that my now DP knows everything and has always done, because he had to have the choice of whether he wanted to be with me knowing my past. And at no point did I minimise my own part or try to justify it. And he trusts me and he knows I wouldn't do it again. But that trust has been built on transparency over who I am and where I have come from, and the mistakes I have made and what I have learned from them.

But to admit it years down the line in a drunken discussion says a lot more IMO about who he is, and also that he clearly has no regrets and believes that cheating is clearly ok if the circumstances are right. Especially given he says he cheated numerous times. I would be questioning whether he had cheated on you given the amount of time you've been together without any of this being common knowledge.

Original poster

WhatToDoWhatToThink · 13/01/2016 10:14

I don't think he told me as manipulation, he said that he told me more then he should of but he was unhappy the relationship was bad for a long time and he knew it weren't going to get better, that's his reasoning. Which isn't acceptable IMO he should of walked away from the relationship instead of cheating.

I'm not a step ford wife, I've had trust issues in the past where I've been cheated on and if I thought I was being cheated on now I'd walk away even if it hurt me I just wouldn't put myself in a situation of mind games and he knows this and he knows I'd follow it through

As others have said he says that he knows this with me is what he wants as his "forever" so to speak but it still doesn't change that what he's told me is playing on my mind massively and makes me look st him and question is

OP posts:

PoundingTheStreets · 13/01/2016 10:16

I'd be very wary of continuing this relationship.

People cheat. It doesn't always make them bad people or people who will do the same again in a new relationship. That depends on their level of self honesty and what they've done to understand their behaviour, see the consequences, and 'proof' themselves from making the same mistakes again. Sometimes admitting you've been unfaithful in the past is a vital step in that degree of honesty and personal responsibility.

However, his lack of remorse is telling and that's what should be setting off alarm bells. As other posters have pointed out, all relationships have testing times. If he chooses extra-marital relations as his coping threshold, what have you really got between you?

Original poster

WhatToDoWhatToThink · 13/01/2016 10:17

It wasn't a drunken discussion just a middle of the day conversation about past things that had no relevance to cheating to the conversation developed that way which not sure if it makes it better or worse

OP posts:

UmbongoUnchained · 13/01/2016 10:19

Eww no. No way could be with a man like that. I would actually be disgusted to look at him. My ex was a serial cheat and he will never change. Cheaters don't change.

Arfarfanarf · 13/01/2016 10:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Strangeoccurence · 13/01/2016 10:26

Bare in mind the fact this continued after he had children.
That takes this man to an even lower level

Original poster

WhatToDoWhatToThink · 13/01/2016 10:32

Sorry arf I did miss you point slightly

The fact he did it after his DC is what bothers me too

I'm so confused, everyone has a past and everyone makes mistakes and even though he says he doesn't regret them he's saying that's not who he is not and our relationship/situation is nothing like the past but still

OP posts:

pocketsaviour · 13/01/2016 10:42

He doesn't feel bad about it because he doesn't see it as wrong. In his mind, she didn't find out therefore there was nobody hurt therefore it was okay.

I've got to give him points for honesty.

Only you know whether, given this reveal about his attitude, you're going to be obessively checking up on him every time something seems a bit off, or whether you're going to be okay sticking to "don't ask, don't tell."

Arfarfanarf · 13/01/2016 10:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KinkyAfro · 13/01/2016 10:45

Weird how he brought it up in a normal conversation, I'd be worried about whether he had more to tell me i.e. that it was happening again

Newyearnewme2016 · 13/01/2016 10:51

Some men who cheat do have this 'so what?' attitude about it, as if they don't respect monogamy or have a sense of entitlement to do what they want when they want. If it was a one-off or a regretted fling that's one thing, but a serial cheat, as you say even after children, says something about him that I wouldn't like I'm afraid.

Strangeoccurence · 13/01/2016 11:01

I know this is different, but the thought process is the same.

My ex told me of a time when he was single that he slept with a married woman. He knew the couple. The husband was away and the children were in bed.
This disgusted me, and he reminded me he was single etc. I think he thought i was jealous.
He didnt feel bad about it, he didnt regret it. His reasoning behind going with this woman was because he didnt like her husband anyway and what he didnt know wont hurt him. Even when i mentioned the kids and told him they didnt deserve it, he said it was her in the wrong, not him - since he was single and she wasnt.
Fair point, but...his thought process behind it all displayed a selfish, thoughtless man. I continued on in the relationship with no concerns that he would ever cheat (i didnt ever think he would). Turned out he was the selfish, thoughtless man he showed me though and the relationship ended after a couple of years because of his selfishness

dontknowwhatcomesnext · 13/01/2016 11:11

When someone shows you/tells you who they are, listen.

heavens2betsy · 13/01/2016 11:15

I'm amazed that its just casually come out this way after years of you being together, especially given your history of being cheated on.
It was one of our first conversations and I clearly told DP my feelings on cheating and he told me he had never cheated because he feels the same way.
You have to rethink everything now.

DrMorbius · 13/01/2016 11:21

I think your DP feels confident and comfortable in your relationship and he wants you to know all about him (including his bad points). I think he is being brave to be honest like this.

So he has a past, most people do. I once stole a bar of chocolate, doesn't mean I would do it now. When we are young we do silly things, but I don't believe for one minute the "once a cheat, always a cheat" drivel that gets exposed on here often. Plenty of people have done something once that ithey would not do again. To say a human can not change is an insult to humanity.

Figwin · 13/01/2016 11:31

Have you asked why he didn't regret it? You may get an answer that puts your mind at ease

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